Anyone experienced in getting family of BPD SO involved?

[ziniztar]

Today another example of something that my dBPDbf's mom/dad says that is very invalidating. Not because of NPD, but just plain ignorance. As we all were, before we started reading about validation.

They're really nice people. I can see it's worrying them and they know about the BPD. I also think they're a little bit in denial, claiming he's good the way he is  and that the diagnosis doesn't change anything 

I know they want to support him - and maybe it would relieve them a little bit as well. I feel a very strong urge to point them to the Fruzetti video saying it helped me to understand a lot. I even explained about the video to my dBPDbf (which he thought was really interesting and he nodded at some of the (in)validating examples I gave) and asked if he'd be ok with it. That ended at 'I don't want to talk about this now.' which is ok. I'll try again later.

I don't want to create a Karpman triangle but really think they could benefit from watching the video.

Any thoughts or similar experiences?

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[tired-of-it-all]

My BPD is my wife.  I don't have the issue with a child (as far as I know).  Nevertheless, I have had an adult child behave in ways that I do not approve.  As a parent it is so hard to accept that my child wasn't who I wanted her to be.  I had to grieve the situation before I could accept the truth. 

I would suggest that you tell them about the video but don't nag.  They need time just like it took you time.  Life is complicated and the less we have to force things, generally the better.  Hopefully the right situations will present themselves for you to share the stuff you want them to know. 

[waverider]

You can only let them know the information and resources are there, you can't push them into it or you will create a backlash, both from them and also your pwBPD. It will also lead to intense frustration on your part.

Learning about BPD in depth is hard and most will simply default to keeping their distance rather than choose to get stuck in the middle of it.

[ziniztar]

Nevertheless, I have had an adult child behave in ways that I do not approve.  As a parent it is so hard to accept that my child wasn't who I wanted her to be.  I had to grieve the situation before I could accept the truth. 

Yes, you're right. Thanks for the encouraging words Tired I'm sorry you had to go through this with your daughter.

t will also lead to intense frustration on your part.

Learning about BPD in depth is hard and most will simply default to keeping their distance rather than choose to get stuck in the middle of it.

Yeah the frustration. I'm feeling it towards my father. He doesn't approve of all the psychology human behavioural soul searching i do. If only he'd understand he's a Starting Gate Victim ... I sent the article to him and asked what he thought about it. 1 month now and he hasn't read it. I'm accepting now that he won't.

I've never really understood why people wouldn't want to understand where their or someone elses behaviour comes from. It makes life so much easier, and makes change possible. My brother said this evening that he's afraid to find out he's done things wrong all his life and rather not know. Ignorance is bliss i guess.

I think I'll send it over to them with a small note and leave it at that. Never ask about it anymore. It's up to them to decide what to do with it.

[hergestridge]

I've never really understood why people wouldn't want to understand where their or someone elses behaviour comes from. It makes life so much easier, and makes change possible.

Noone wants to be educated about their own behavior, I think that's quite obvious. I also think that you should consider that people think differently. When you you assume that someone's behaviour "comes from" somewhere, that's an assumption about how things work. Lots of people don't psychlogogize their dealings like that. Instead they see themselves as fully in charge of their lives and resonding directly to the words and actions of others. Implying that they should be somehow manipulated or doing things against their own will would be both insulting and condescending.

Some of these people has ways of making change that you or I would propably think of as crude and primitive, but that is equally primitive (i e one day they're just gone, they set stop taking the crap and set a firm boundary etc).

I think it's a rocky road to come with a booklet full of information about mental illness and expect it to change things for people. People are who they are and the pwBPD is still the same. Not that much hs changed.

[waverider]

Nevertheless, I have had an adult child behave in ways that I do not approve.  As a parent it is so hard to accept that my child wasn't who I wanted her to be.  I had to grieve the situation before I could accept the truth. 

Yes, you're right. Thanks for the encouraging words Tired I'm sorry you had to go through this with your daughter.

t will also lead to intense frustration on your part.

Learning about BPD in depth is hard and most will simply default to keeping their distance rather than choose to get stuck in the middle of it.

Yeah the frustration. I'm feeling it towards my father. He doesn't approve of all the psychology human behavioural soul searching i do. If only he'd understand he's a Starting Gate Victim ... I sent the article to him and asked what he thought about it. 1 month now and he hasn't read it. I'm accepting now that he won't.

I've never really understood why people wouldn't want to understand where their or someone elses behaviour comes from. It makes life so much easier, and makes change possible. My brother said this evening that he's afraid to find out he's done things wrong all his life and rather not know. Ignorance is bliss i guess.

I think I'll send it over to them with a small note and leave it at that. Never ask about it anymore. It's up to them to decide what to do with it.

About two years ago I sent my partners 23 year old son, and her mother a copy of walking on Eggshells, to this date they have not read it... Just saying they've been too busy     

[tired-of-it-all]

There are things that I would like to discuss with my kids.  There are books I wish they would read and group therapy that I wish they would attend.  They want to get on with their lives.  I know that they need help so that they will make good life choices.  I know that without dealing with the issues that surround their mother, they will likely make bad choices when picking spouses.  I know that but I can't help them.  My parents knew that I was picking badly but I wouldn't listen.

It is the way of the world.  We don't listen to those who know better.  We have to make our own mistakes.  So many of these people are so brutalized from their experiences that they just want to get on with their life.  They don't want to read or learn anything the reminds them of their past experiences.

[ziniztar]

About two years ago I sent my partners 23 year old son, and her mother a copy of walking on Eggshells, to this date they have not read it... Just saying they've been too busy    

I'm sorry to read that :'(.

It is the way of the world.  We don't listen to those who know better.  We have to make our own mistakes.  So many of these people are so brutalized from their experiences that they just want to get on with their life.  They don't want to read or learn anything the reminds them of their past experiences.

I guess there is a distinct difference between finding out yourself out of curiosity (or because you had to), and being told by someone else. The idea that someone would tell me where my attention seeking behaviour comes from already hurts, but finding out myself is fine.

I've read once that we all have pitfalls in our lives, but people can have different coping styles. Some fully surrender (and often seak help themselves), some ignore, some fight against it.  

Asking other people to shift from ignoring to surrendering would be the same as asking me to pretend some of my issues are not there and to never speak of them again.

Thanks guys for this.