Totally broken

[intoashell]

I feel pretty broken right now. I can honestly say I have to now do NC because I am very close to what feels like a breakdown. I also feel very lost and alone because nothing seems to have made the situation with my uBPDex any better. I have tried LC and CC and offered him support as he is clearly unwell but even on this level the abuse still comes thick and fast. All the techniques etc seem to make no difference and I now have been feeling stalked.

The bottom line I have come to is that any contact invariably leads to emotional, verbal and mental abuse (he has been physical in the past).

Mentally I feel run rings round, everything is twisted. I learnt some time ago trying to talk rationally was pointless, trying to bore him (emotionally non responsive) just seems to escalate the his self harm talk. He wants reactions, he wants continuous proof that I see him as worth something but of course nothing is ever enough. It wasn't in our relationship either.

He has just been fired again, of course not his fault and has a therapist but nothing really productive seems to come out of it.

I am painted black at the moment and am struggling to dechipher what is/isn't my fault,  I have been called all kinds of names again. Constantly damned if I do, damned if I don't, punished here there and everywhere.

This time feels different though. I cant go on in the circles but I suppose I am frightened of what he might do to me/ himself. I live alone and I know I can dial 911 if necessary but alot of his talk always feels so isolating. Like when he said he was suicidal but didn't want help because of something to do with his job (which didnt last and he was fired from) . Or when he physically attacked me (in my own flat) he couldn't comprehend why I would want to call them.

I don't know myself anymore, I thought compassion, care, love, support, empathy and encouragement was always  good. In this case though non of the above seems to apply. He dosen't see it because he is mentally ill and even interprets things upside down anyway. Its very sad for him, I understand that but sadly I am now broken. I am preparing myself for a smear campaign (probably on social media) or worse. Just hoping someone can maybe relate?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, I can totally relate and it is very painful; I'm sorry you're in the middle of it.

You do say you know he's mentally ill, and you've put up with what a lot of us did; time to get away, far away.  You know this.  You also need to do what you need to do to protect yourself, but if he's going to kill himself he will, regardless of what you do, and I'm sure you know he probably uses the threat to hang over you, to push your buttons; solution: don't listen.

There are a lot of valuable resources on this site, in addition to reading posts and posting.  You are not alone, all of us have been there and understand.  You're still in what's called the fog, which will clear and life will get much, much better, but for now stay here, on day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Take care of you!

[Narellan]

Thank you for posting! Your story is similar to mine and so many others on here. You sound like you've reaching the turning point. I relate so much to your story . I had my turning point about 3 weeks ago and I'm mostly feeling better. I know what you mean by almost having a nervous breakdown. I cried constantly for several days and could not see a way through or out of it. If I hadn't been on this site I don't know where I'd be. Truly the people on here were my only friends for many weeks. I've been NC for 8 weeks. I no longer want to work things out with him. It's over. Just 3 weeks ago I hadn't come to this point, and still had some hope we could work things out. The fog really has started to lift, I've done loads of reading and posting on here, and overall I feel like I'm finding myself. I'm waiting for some more smearing because I'm still painted black and he's still got ammo but for now I'm minding my own business and facing things as they arise. As for social media... . Yep bad news. Three weeks into NC and he was annoyed getting no response from me he posts a nude pic of me on FB . Had to break NC to ask him to remove it. I didn't threaten, just kept calm no emotion, no reaction. He took it down few hours later and that's our last contact. I deactivated FB and as such he now prob doesn't see the point trying to get to me, cos I'm not giving him audience anymore.

I'm too exhausted to tell my story again, but feel free to read back through my posts. It's been a devastating experience for me, but I'm grateful in that I feel like its forced me to find myself again, and I've been lost for many years.

You sound so strong and determined. I'm full of admiration for you. You are a real survivor. Stand firm. 

[intoashell]

Thanks for your helpful replies. It is a comfort to know I am not alone (although sad that such circumstances exist for everyone). Today has been tough but I am expecting that. He initiated contact 3 times 1x call and x2 email. I responded to 1 email that was after some factual information I had for him   but the thanks that followed started down the same lines as previously asking what I am doing etc etc - no reply from me.

I am totally in the FOG I can feel it. I swing between all 3 intermittently.

I am now feeling guilty for letting him down by discussing with his sister his suicidal ideations this week... . I felt a family member should be told as I am concerned for his safety (she knows anyway). And that is how any interaction with him has had me feeling... . Stuck with fear (of his reactions, blackmail etc),

obligation (to carry out his wishes regardless of how damagin that is to me, to stay, to respond, to agree with him about everything and everybody doing crap )

and guilty (for not being able to take the pain dished out, that it is all my fault)... . Its like, turn this way WRONG, turn that way WRONG.

If I could sum up how I now feel : I question everything about who I am and what I believe to be the appropriate safe response and how to conduct a relationship. Sadly I didn't get out sooner and the damage I sat suffering has had a bigger impact on me than I realised.

I will have to do some work on myself and let go of the fear he throws at me ... . perhaps spam box is part of that solution ( I daren't delete as I am worried I may need it at a later date). I feel harassed as it is    . Horrible disorder that is destructive and painful to all.