I want to make him understand but I know it is pointless...

[rozenmaiden]

Wow... . so I had several dreams last night about my ex. It was strange to be able to point out the things that my brain was processing and how they were being expressed.

It seems as though I am trying to detach but have this reflex of saying "us" or "we". It's strange that this is the case because we were together only 9 months and I was already planning a life with this man. I am trying to disengage from the feelings and I think I am making progress, but gosh this sucks. The thing that bothers me the most is that I know that he blames me for the relationship ending and thinks I don't love him or had some sort of motive in being with him. Is it strange that I want to just make him see that I love him? I know logically that this won't make a difference, but I can't help but be upset about it. Does anyone else feel this way?

[Pseudoubermench]

rozenmaiden-

It totally sucks, and I've felt this way too. Dreams about the ex are so hard to deal with because in the dream it always feels so real, so jarring to see them again. And when you wake up, reality comes flooding back. I know I find myself thinking "am I not making progress on getting over it, or what?" You are not alone in feeling that it is hard to get over someone who you've become enmeshed with.

I've struggled with the same feelings of "I just want him to understand why it had to end. I did it out of love for us both, not to hurt him. Not because I don't love him." The first few weeks after the last NC began, it was an hourly struggle not to send him an explanation email about why I did what I did, ended it for good this time, that I will love him forever and yet I can't have him in my life ever again. Not sending that email was incredibly difficult, and I went through stages of guilt and grief and back to guilt, and then to this panicked state of "what if" he hurts himself and I never find out about it? I considered checking the obituaries in his city to at least give me some closure. But chose not to.

I think that you are experiencing a normal and healthy emotion-- wanting to be understood. And yet, with those who are actively affected with BPD, their reality is often so twisted and out of touch that they don't really ever understand much. So you wanting understanding from him is just aspect of wanting him to be healthy and react like someone without BPD. Reality can be so difficult, but when we accept it for what it is, and realize that when we try to deny or argue with reality, we are the ones who suffer... . when we finally submit to being out of control of reality, things feel much less difficult. At least that has been true for me.

Hang in there, rozenmaiden. You loved him, and love never has to be proven to be real. It existed, and it can't be devalued, and it will take time to get over. You aren't alone there... .

[Mutt]

It seems as though I am trying to detach but have this reflex of saying "us" or "we". It's strange that this is the case because we were together only 9 months and I was already planning a life with this man. I am trying to disengage from the feelings and I think I am making progress, but gosh this sucks. The thing that bothers me the most is that I know that he blames me for the relationship ending and thinks I don't love him or had some sort of motive in being with him. Is it strange that I want to just make him see that I love him? I know logically that this won't make a difference, but I can't help but be upset about it. Does anyone else feel this way?

It's painful when he is projecting his side of the relationship ending on you, and can't accede that you had love for him, that is tough  

It takes a while for our hearts to catch up with our heads. When it does, you realize that this is a person with a serious disorder, he is mentally ill and his interpretation of the relationship is different than yours. He copes differently than you, that's where it's painful that they don't reciprocate. We need to give ourselves our own closure. 

[cosmonaut]

No, I don't think it's strange at all to want him to know that you loved him and he was special to you.  I can very much understand how frustrating it can be to want to communicate that to someone who ultimately can't accept it.  They can't accept it, because deep down they don't really understand what love is, and what they do understand they feel unworthy of having since deep down they feel broken, defective, and ashamed.  It hurts to realize that our exes are unable to accept our love - in fact they may even outright reject it.  It also hurts to realize that they never loved us in the way that we thought they did, because their concept of love is so radically different from ours.  It really does suck.  I agree with you completely.

As you have said, however, this is a reality that we are powerless to change.  No matter what we say, it is not going to change these core beliefs of our exes.  Only they can do that for themselves.  Still, I very much understand how much it hurts.  Closure is something that most of us are never able to get with our exes, and ultimately is something we have to provide for ourselves, just as Mutt has said.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing well overall.  It sounds like you are making very solid progress.  Keep going.   

[Promises]

This post and the responses made me cry.  But I was already crying anyway.  I feel the exact same way.  I want him to understand that I loved him.  Shouldn't have, but I did.  Still do even though he abused me.  The trauma bond.  He blames me for leaving him. He was always the victim.  I just want him to GET IT. He never will, ever.  He was so in love with me he tortured me. No, they don't know what love is.  Guess I didn't either but I know what its supposed to be.  I hope I find it someday.

[cosmonaut]

This post and the responses made me cry.  But I was already crying anyway.  I feel the exact same way.  I want him to understand that I loved him.  Shouldn't have, but I did.  Still do even though he abused me.  The trauma bond.  He blames me for leaving him. He was always the victim.  I just want him to GET IT. He never will, ever.  He was so in love with me he tortured me. No, they don't know what love is.  Guess I didn't either but I know what its supposed to be.  I hope I find it someday.

I know how heartbreaking it can be to love someone who simply doesn't understand what love is, Promises.  It has been the most agonizing and tragic experience of my life.  Yes, in all likelihood your ex will never understand how much you loved him and how much you sacrificed for him - just as my ex never will.  It is a devastating disorder.

As painful as it is right now, you have a gift: now you are free.  And being free, you will find real and lasting love someday.  You will.  And you will be all the happier and more fulfilled than you ever dream of for it.  You will find someone who can truly love and appreciate you because of who you are and not what you can provide them.

Hang in there.  It really does get better with time.