I'm one week no contact and I feel like screaming! Especially because I'm surprised she hasn't tried to contact me. My only thought is that she knows I'm out in San Diego and all her efforts of trying to bring me down have failed. Still hurts either way. I miss her. Even if she isn't very nice. I can't help but feel I'd be enjoying the beach more with her by my side.
zen -- I'm sorry you're struggling, and I hope you understand this is normal. In detaching, I've thought of it in various ways:
1. "Withdrawal" -- I missed the connection. The emotional and physical connection. Even though I knew, intellectually, we rode a roller coaster. But, when things were good, I was as connected to her more than I connected to any other human being [Footnote: I no longer think this was healthy on my part and I've been working through it to recognize the importance of a differentiated self].
2. "Software glitch" -- Sometimes I think that I re-coded my brain in the relationship. Like I got stuck on a loop where everything came back to her. I know I ruminated for months and months trying to "figure" out what happened. I have been turning my mind in new directions lately -- re-coding.
3. "Self-imposed Prison" -- I have cited this before, but I saw a zen cartoon once where a monk is clinging to bars of a jail cell, while the door is wide open behind him. I think of that often, and picture myself leaving the cell.
Enjoy southern CA as much as you can. You're doing the hard work.
