Today is his birthday and he contacted

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Him: i tried to mesage you last week but you had blocked me

Me: My account was deactivated. You werent blocked.

Him: oh. didn't call you cause I thought you didn't want to talk to me

Him: how's school?

Me: Good thanks

Me: happy birfday

Him: ty

Him: how's ** new baby

Me: Gorgeous

Him: does she have a giant nose?

Me: not yet. Sure it will come. Right now she has perfect baby face

Him: cute

Him: i gotta go but i'll talk to you soon

Several minutes later of thinking... .

Me: K


Here's the thing... . I didn't feel a yearning... a wanting nothing.

My pride was hit hard by this guy... . Mind you... he's wondering

why I wasn't talking to him.

Just reminding: We had sex after a 3 week nc period... he was on FB

talking about a different girl 2 days later. (Mind you one he hasn't banged

or have a chance with but still).

I have no interest in getting with him again... but he used to be my best friend.

I'm thinking if this indifference sustains I can be civil with him.

I kept it very emotionless and boring.

What the heck are his intentions first off... how random.

I'm a little confused. I will say I activated my facebook... I looked at his

page felt totally strong to keep my FB activated I am so numb to him

his posts about being "lonely" and wanting to find "the perfect girl"

didn't even bother me.

Any clue at what is going through his mind?

[AwakenedOne]

What the heck are his intentions first off... how random.

Any clue at what is going through his mind?

Hi HBR,

Sorry to be blunt. You asked for opinions though. Probably just checking to see if your going to be available for his needs? Most of the call was asking if your mad or if you guys are cool still? After he found the answer out he said "Gotta go but I'll talk to you soon". Is his next call "Come over to hookup"?

Looks like your making progress and finding some peace. That's cool nice work. Unfortunately isn't he the same person and doesn't he view you in the same way?

Peace,

AO

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Wasnt even call it was fb!

And no talk of past!

Only current stuff! And blunt ia good!

Also he had to go to work!

He works afternoons

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Too ,any exclamations sorry.

Youre right... He does view me the same. We were

Best friends for years tho. No chance that

There is anything genuine in that contact?

[AwakenedOne]

There is anything genuine in that contact?

I don't know. I'm not too good at giving advice. That doesn't stop me still from giving it anyway though.

Maybe having a casual friendship is cool if you keep your boundaries, if that's what you want.

Thing is though, won't that be tough when you see and hear about his new girlfriends?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Its highly unlikely he ll be dating anybody soon.

He has no game and im his first.

But honestly, I could give a rats ass right now.

I dont feel those normal atrachment fwelings that

Usually happens once contact is broken.

This is a totally new experience for me.

I know he is the ine losing out...

So why be bothered by it?

[Narellan]

HBR please tread carefully here. I've been there when you were so devastated you couldn't stop punishing yourself for going back to him. He's still the same guy. I didn't see anything genuine in his posts. I didn't really see anything friendly either to be honest. He was just testing the water, maybe he got his nose out of joint when he thought you blocked him. He wants you to think about him. And now you are.

Can you see how far you've come? Now you aren't affected by him. That's so wonderful. Read your posts from a few weeks back and see how far you've come! I'm really happy for you. But concerned he will hook you back in if you have contact.

I'm with AO, his next post will probably be " come over" what are you going to do?

Remember the pain and reread your posts before you connect with him any further. Today you may feel numb/ disengaged but he may try to recycle again and you need to plan your response. I'd hate to see you go back to those really down days sweetie. You deserve so much better than to be used by him for sex.

" but ill talk to you soon" in the context of everything you've previpusly posted about your relationship I'd say that means " next time I'm horny" . I'm not saying that to hurt you HBR, you posted a thread once " you think you want him to use you for sex" he's hoping that's still the case. Please look after yourself xx 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

HBR please tread carefully here. I've been there when you were so devastated you couldn't stop punishing yourself for going back to him. He's still the same guy. I didn't see anything genuine in his posts. I didn't really see anything friendly either to be honest. He was just testing the water, maybe he got his nose out of joint when he thought you blocked him. He wants you to think about him. And now you are.

Can you see how far you've come? Now you aren't affected by him. That's so wonderful. Read your posts from a few weeks back and see how far you've come! I'm really happy for you. But concerned he will hook you back in if you have contact.

I'm with AO, his next post will probably be " come over" what are you going to do?

Remember the pain and reread your posts before you connect with him any further. Today you may feel numb/ disengaged but he may try to recycle again and you need to plan your response. I'd hate to see you go back to those really down days sweetie. You deserve so much better than to be used by him for sex.

" but ill talk to you soon" in the context of everything you've previpusly posted about your relationship I'd say that means " next time I'm horny" . I'm not saying that to hurt you HBR, you posted a thread once " you think you want him to use you for sex" he's hoping that's still the case. Please look after yourself xx 

Thank u! I have a response planned out if he does try and have sex again.

I have no interest in it. He treated me so poorly I could never have sex with him.

Im 27 and he is only the 3rd male iv been with. For a total of 5 partners

Sex is a big deal for me. Its special to me and he doesnt deserve it.

One time he told me he wished I was a wh$$$!

I can no longer give that to him.

Whats a recycle in this context ya know?

That does make me feel horrible if that is all

He wants.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Havent heard from him

Since he messaged,me.

what the heck? I do not understand the games he is playing.

But I am feeling a little hurt now

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi Hurtbeyondrepair27,

I have to agree with the others.  He's "checking in."  You can ruminate endlessly about what's going on in their minds -it really does no good.  In fact, they want you to.  I'm not saying they are intentionally being confusing.  I'm saying they want to know you still obsess about them -doesn't matter why or how.  They would never say it so plainly, but it's the truth.

Beware of telling yourself how "strong" you are that you can "handle" exposing yourself to him in certain ways that you could not before, like you are "testing" yourself.  Self-deception becomes a big part of our lives, too -not just theirs.  The whole thing about "testing" yourself shows that your mind is still stuck on him, still being part of "the game" somehow.

My ex wife regularly tries to tell me about various guys she is "friends" with.  Keep in mind I share children with my BPDexw, so to some degree I have to be in contact with her, unfortunately.  She will show me gifts they gave her.  She will tell me about her friends and how funny this guy she met is.  When she is really "hurt" or "scared", she will text me... or go for a hug.  Or sometimes, it's just the passive aggressive ways she tries to show her dominance by cracking jokes about me in front of the kids and then trying to put me down for being "too serious" because she is "only joking."

Recently, someone assaulted her (scary, and upsetting because my kids saw it), so she asked me (text) if I would go with her while she took the kids to the carnival -you know, for protection.  I didn't answer right away.  Of course, she pressed me for an answer.  No shock, there.  And she said it like this:  "If you don't want to go with me, I'll have to ask one of my guy friends to go with me."  Now, keep in mind that we are divorced.  We had a brief attempt at reconciliation because she seemed serious about going to therapy.  But things fell apart very quickly.  So, is there any reason for her to pose this to me in this way?  Of course not.  She is trying to see if I'll react based on her little "bombs".  It's all about getting a reaction from us.  That's the game.  If they can get to our emotions somehow, even anger or jealousy, they feel they are still where they want to be.

I doubt that they are necessarily so malevolent as to consciously think about how they can hurt us in that way.  I think of it, for the most part, as being more like a child.  They throw little "fits" to get attention, and they want to know that "mommy" or "daddy" will still come running.

OR... . they want to know that you are "beneath" them, plain and simple.  At least, my BPDexw is like that.  She would recount stories of bumping into old boyfriends and very quickly assessing their facial expressions when they saw her... . surprise, desire, etc.  She loved it.  It made her feel wonderful to know that they might have regret for leaving her.  I mean... . let's be honest, many people have feelings like that.  But this might be years and years later.  And the delight she would get from it is a bit beyond the range of normal. 

During another time when she was really desperate for me to "know" her (translation: I was apparently not quite wrapped up in her enough.  I was blowing it in the sexual department when it came to completely and utterly revolving around her and all her wants and thoughts and desires).  So I bit.  "Ok, tell me something that turns you on."  Honestly, I didn't want to know because I knew it would be something freaky and disturbing.  She told me that she gets turned on when she goes into a scuzzy bar, knows that she is the hottest thing in there, knows that every guy in there wants to have sex with her, and imagines herself rejecting every single one of them.  That would give her a sexual rush.  She said she would then want to "come home" and have sex with her partner, thinking of those "losers" at the bar.

I'm recounting these stories to show you kinda what the game is.  It's about making sure you are part of the game.  You exist to keep him going.  Of course he'll text you on his birthday.  It's all about him, isn't it?  And don't get me wrong.  They can be very sweet at times.  And to themselves, I'm certain their feelings seem very real and genuine.  My ex would be terribly hurt when she would discover that I thought things about her (like that she is BPD). 

But look at it.  The whole "what is he thinking?" is just playing into his game.  You know, intuitively, what its all about.  It's about fishing for your emotions, to know you are still hooked.  It's about making sure you are still spinning your wheels about him.  And it's working, isn't it?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thank you so much for the response! I don't have internet at home right now, so it is sometimes

difficult to type everything I want.

But I have to say, yes it is working. f*** how do I back track?

What do I do from here to continue detaching?

He is on my brain but not as much as before!

[Narellan]

HBR what you're doing now is working! You are detaching. The wounds will take a while to heal but you're getting there day by day. Keep up NC keep being a great mum keep putting your energy into yourself and your daughter.

You're doing a great job, we all are! You'll have good and bad days, I had a doozy yesterday but feel really much better today. Keep up the good work 

[OutOfEgypt]

You are detaching.  It is a process.  You become more aware of the games and self-aware.  You process things (like through this discussion group), and you grieve the loss and feel your feelings.  You let it go, you move forward, you move on.  You feel the sorrow and the anger and pain, and you keep furthering yourself and becoming wiser and more aware of the games so that you can dismiss and detach from them when they come up.  You will.  You are moving forward.  Keep your chin up.

Are you seeing a therapist or counselor?  That can be extremely helpful.  I was just told today by my therapist that he thinks I'm ready to be wrapping up my therapy with him.  I've been seeing him for 3 years and 9 months, and it has helped me get through so much (even while I was still living through it).

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Im in therapy but,havent seen her in awhile! its been too busy!

I hate it when the mod is right. I talked to him tonight... It went something

Like this:

I like ur smile and ur **. Just all ur lips in general. guuuuuk.

And of course,i,got off to that when I have been attempting to make a conscious effort NOT to use him for those purposes bc it just stimulates feelings of attachment.

Im just as sick as he is. He treats me like dirt and I want

Him so bad what the heck!

[Narellan]

HBR he stimulates feelings of sexual desire. It's calculated. You know what he wants. He knows you'll give it. It's a cheap thrill. It's exciting and gets endorphins going. But he's using you. Did you work out the answer to your question" I think I want him to use me for sex" ?

It's fun at the moment but you know how you'll feel tomorrow. The same as you felt last time. No judgements from anyone here, but is momentary pleasure worth the following weeks of pain ? That's what you need to ask yourself.

[OutOfEgypt]

HBR,

No judgment here, for sure.  We just know how insidious and manipulative and destructive this all is toward you.  I've been used plenty of times by my ex.  Once, during one of her affairs while I was living in another room in the house, she called me in the middle of the night and wanted me to come up and "take my pants off".  We wound up having sex.  Then of course, I thought that meant something.  I thought it meant I could lay there with her.  Nope.  She kicked me out and told me that she's sorry I assumed it meant something more.  See, she just needed to "get off" after having phone sex with her internet boyfriend.

I wish I could find the article, but it was a worthwhile read.  It described that one of the reasons we become so attached to these people is because the terrible treatment and all the drama sorta makes us feel "alive" because we tend to feel empty otherwise.  There's some truth to that.  But I believe it's more.  There is an extremely unhealthy kind of dependence going on.  You become dependent on him to feel desirable/wanted/loved/valid.  They become dependent on you to have someone to dominate who will bolster their ego, draw all focus and attention to them and whatever they are doing, and give them someone they can unload all of their deepest self-loathing and insecurity onto.  You become their scapegoat, their sex toy, and their pack mule who carries anything they want to dump on you.  They even lead you around by the nose with a rope .

And for some reason, though you know they are terrible for you, you like it.  You wait for it.  I know how it goes.

Maybe you should try a different therapist and start going consistently.  This is seriously a life or death type of situation -not physically, but emotionally.  It is the difference between an emotional future for you or emotional slavery, because he's not going to stop.  He might move onto someone else, but he'll maintain that same attitude toward you and check on you every now and then.  You can bet on it.

I have been seeing an ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy) therapist, and after seeing 9 counselors of 13 years, none of them have really brought any lasting change or relief except for this guy.  It is hard work, but I've climbed up out of the pit.

A big part of why that kind of therapy is so effective is because it is deeply attachment based.  You mentioned attachment.  Well, we have been stuck in an attachment with someone who is incapable of true, healthy attachment.  So, we chase them like a drug.  We settle for the illusion of attachment or attachment's cheap step-sisters (sex, getting something from them, anything, that makes us feel alive from them).  And they know it and love the sense of control they have.  But they panic when they see it slipping away.

I know that I'm always going to be the one my ex comes to when something goes bad... . for a hug, to want to get support from, etc.  In a sense, that is understandable. I've know her for 15 years, I'm the only long-term "friend" she has (albeit only for the sake of the children), and we have kids together.  But I'm not there for her.  Sure, I gave her the obligatory hug and "glad you are safe" when she was assaulted recently.  But aside from that, I avoid all personal and emotional involvement.  Thankfully, she doesn't try to lure me to sex.  She lures other dudes for that, and I tell you... . though it hurts, I feel badly for them.  They are playing in the lions mouth.  She will devour them.

But back to attachment.  It is essential that you find healthy attachments right now.  They will help you get well.  Here's the thing about attachments... . the people we emotionally attach to become a mirror to us of ourselves.  If we try to attach to someone who is incapable of real emotional attachment, who only use and manipulate and control and put us down, we learn to numb ourselves out to our true feelings and perceptions so that we can "be" with them and cope with the awful pain.  That numbness is what keeps us as pliable putty in their hands, looking for the next fix of attention or something or ANYTHING from them.  However, when we find healthy emotional attachments with people who know emotional closeness and partnership, we begin to see that our perceptions and feelings are good and right, and we begin to feel again.  And the numbness starts to lift.  And we begin to stand up as autonomous individuals with our own values and feelings and core personality.  No more slave.

Essentially, what I'm getting at is that while it seems like he has control, you are the only one who has the power to stop all of this (because he won't).  You can make the rational choice to set boundaries, and you can begin your trek out of Egypt to end this illusion of attachment and find healthier ones.  I know there is part of you that likes it.  That is where the ISTDP therapy came in with me.  It helped me bolster the part of me that wants freedom and recognizes that I can actually achieve it.

You can.  Keep going.

[Fanie]

Just do it !

You are strong enough !

May God Bless !