I think I made a mistake today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I broke NC with my (now) ex-wife on Monday after our daughter announced her BF just popped the question and she accepted.  We chatted a bit (via text) for the past couple of days. Nothing major. It wasn't like I was emotionally going back to the insanity of my life prior to NC and finally total detachment.

But all of this coupled with me and my GF of 18 months breaking up a week and a half ago really put a lot of things into perspective.  I'm not really entirely sure what happened between me and my GF which led to the breakup, but I do know that up until two months ago (before full detachment and NC), my ex had always been part of the scene in one way, shape form or another.  Wheter it was arguments with me on the phone or in texts... . getting mad because I have a GF... . conversations I found myself having wit my GF about my ex-wife (or my ex-life)... . you name it.

Yes I know that jumping into a relationship so soon after the initial split was a dicey proposition, at best - but I thought I could handle it.  Maybe that had a lot to do with it.  I'm sure it did.  But... .

That isn't the mistake I'm talking about.

It had dawned on me that during this whole transition time... . yes... . I know I was dealing with the breakup/divorce, and yes I know that in some way I was in my r/s with my GF as some therapeutic transition (which just sounds so blah!).  But even though I had been in counceling for almost two years (and eventually finding this site to really help me understand what I had been going through)... . I never dealt with a support group for divorce.

I mean, my emotions have been all over the place for the last couple of years.  Heaven help me when I get tired or bored (or drinking).  I was a freakin mess!  I never hid this fact from my GF... . but I did try to keep  it under wraps as much as possible (which isn't saying much).

So now dealing with the recent breakup with my GF, I was wondering if maybe I should have found a support group which dealt with divorce support. So I goggled and found one and joined... .

... . and here is where the mistake comes in.

I posted my greetings and my story of what was on my mind... . then started to read through some other posts.  Maybe gleen something I could hold on to... . maybe post a comment or two to help those there as well.

Yeah... . nope.  I'm staying right here!  And let me tell you why.

Although I could offer some sage advice over there, the board isn't set up to handle some of the underlying causes of dysfunctional relationships.  Almost every post I read (as I read between the lines) the poster is saying "I'm married to a pwBPD".  But since they aren't looking for that explanation - it was post after post of "why did my wife leave me after she was the one who had x-amount of affairs and raged at me all the time!"

I'm not saying that I couldn't leave comments which could guide them here... . but a board like that (for me) is where I would have started had I started looking for help two years ago on line. 

I have learned so much about the dynamics of my marriage to my PDexw... . but even my first marriage, almost every gf I have had and all leading back to my FOO and childhood traumas that going to that board was a serious step backwards.

All I know is this.

I loved my (now) ex GF - but I know it was unfair to be in a r/s with her and think that she could understand the dynamics of what was going on in my head from my marriage breakup.  She had never been married... . and she certainly hadn't been with someone for almost 20 years, raised three children and have three grandchildren together.

My r/s rupturing with my ex-wife wasn't like a BF/GF breaking up after 18 month. Actually... . breaking up after 18 months (regardless what we went through) is a walk in the park!  Especially since during the last 18 months we actually had ZERO drama.  Granted, we didn't live together either - but that is a different post.

No... . I'm staying right here.  I feel comfortable here.

I'll probably post a few more things about my GF and I breaking up in other posts as they pop into my head.  But I'm sure that will pass very very soon.  Not like I think it is nothing, but I've learned so much about letting go that I choose to be healthy and not stuck in some emotional pit of goo.

[woodsposse]

I broke NC with my (now) ex-wife on Monday after our daughter announced her BF just popped the question and she accepted.  We chatted a bit (via text) for the past couple of days. Nothing major. It wasn't like I was emotionally going back to the insanity of my life prior to NC and finally total detachment.

But all of this coupled with me and my GF of 18 months breaking up a week and a half ago really put a lot of things into perspective.  I'm not really entirely sure what happened between me and my GF which led to the breakup, but I do know that up until two months ago (before full detachment and NC), my ex had always been part of the scene in one way, shape form or another.  Wheter it was arguments with me on the phone or in texts... . getting mad because I have a GF... . conversations I found myself having wit my GF about my ex-wife (or my ex-life)... . you name it.

Yes I know that jumping into a relationship so soon after the initial split was a dicey proposition, at best - but I thought I could handle it.  Maybe that had a lot to do with it.  I'm sure it did.  But... .

That isn't the mistake I'm talking about.

It had dawned on me that during this whole transition time... . yes... . I know I was dealing with the breakup/divorce, and yes I know that in some way I was in my r/s with my GF as some therapeutic transition (which just sounds so blah!).  But even though I had been in counceling for almost two years (and eventually finding this site to really help me understand what I had been going through)... . I never dealt with a support group for divorce.

I mean, my emotions have been all over the place for the last couple of years.  Heaven help me when I get tired or bored (or drinking).  I was a freakin mess!  I never hid this fact from my GF... . but I did try to keep  it under wraps as much as possible (which isn't saying much).

So now dealing with the recent breakup with my GF, I was wondering if maybe I should have found a support group which dealt with divorce support. So I goggled and found one and joined... .

... . and here is where the mistake comes in.

I posted my greetings and my story of what was on my mind... . then started to read through some other posts.  Maybe gleen something I could hold on to... . maybe post a comment or two to help those there as well.

Yeah... . nope.  I'm staying right here!  And let me tell you why.

Although I could offer some sage advice over there, the board isn't set up to handle some of the underlying causes of dysfunctional relationships.  Almost every post I read (as I read between the lines) the poster is saying "I'm married to a pwBPD".  But since they aren't looking for that explanation - it was post after post of "why did my wife leave me after she was the one who had x-amount of affairs and raged at me all the time!"

I'm not saying that I couldn't leave comments which could guide them here... . but a board like that (for me) is where I would have started had I started looking for help two years ago on line. 

I have learned so much about the dynamics of my marriage to my PDexw... . but even my first marriage, almost every gf I have had and all leading back to my FOO and childhood traumas that going to that board was a serious step backwards.

All I know is this.

I loved my (now) ex GF - but I know it was unfair to be in a r/s with her and think that she could understand the dynamics of what was going on in my head from my marriage breakup.  She had never been married... . and she certainly hadn't been with someone for almost 20 years, raised three children and have three grandchildren together.

My r/s rupturing with my ex-wife wasn't like a BF/GF breaking up after 18 month. Actually... . breaking up after 18 months (regardless what we went through) is a walk in the park!  Especially since during the last 18 months we actually had ZERO drama.  Granted, we didn't live together either - but that is a different post.

No... . I'm staying right here.  I feel comfortable here.

I'll probably post a few more things about my GF and I breaking up in other posts as they pop into my head.  But I'm sure that will pass very very soon.  Not like I think it is nothing, but I've learned so much about letting go that I choose to be healthy and not stuck in some emotional pit of goo.

[arjay]

Greetings.  From one "old amby" to another, don't be so hard on yourself, something it seems we have all done in varying degrees.

Twenty years is a long time to be with one person and "not" find it difficult to draw new boundaries, to establish new roles and to find where the boundaries of our personal life now begins and ends.

As your children are nearly grown (or grown), day-to-day involvement should wane, because you no longer have joint responsibility for raising small children.  You will however have "some" level of contact as you have had children together and events such as weddings, possible baby showers and more will mean you will likely still see one another at certain times.

Maintaining a "what are you up to" relationship with the "ex", is going to cause problems however with any relationship you may have, as you figured out.  This is where establishing new boundaries are going to be important and something that will serve you going forward.  Tactfully incorporating these boundaries is going to be the challenge.

It takes all of us time to sort things out, let go of past relationships, set new goals for ourselves and really move on, before new relationships and their challenges can be given the attention and caring they deserve.  I think most of us would agree that looking back, our first relationship out was simply filling a void, rather than being something we were actually ready to begin.  Typically there was simply too much leftover emotional attachment to really begin anew.

You are still adjusting to the post-marriage and need the time for yourself; that includes re-defining the relationship with the "ex".  You are no longer intimate physically but it can take a while before you are no longer intimate emotionally as well.

Peace

[woodsposse]

 

Thank you for the awesome reply.

Yes it is without a doubt that it took me a long time to sort things out and let go of the past relationship.  20 years is a long time.  I really thought I was on a path that I could handle it with my GF.

But, in the end I'm sure that played a major part of the break up.  I get it.

I think I'm feeling a little guilty for letting her walk with me through this and me not be fully there.  Not saying she didn't see what she was getting into, but I just wish I could have been more clear headed and emotionally stable.  Way too much leftover attachment to really begin anew.

I'm sure I will get past this, set my new goals and when the time is right... . begin a new relationship with someone with my head in the right place and ready to build something new.

[arjay]

Consider the g/f and the relationship you had a "gift" from the universe, to let you know it was still early, and you need more time.  As with me, it did help me over the hump though, and for that I would always be grateful for that first g/f after my divorce.

It is a process as you can now see.  Each stage brings with it unique challenges and helps us understand how enmeshed we really were.  As I mentioned, even with healthy marriages that end after 20 years, it still takes time to adjust.

Be kind to yourself and realize you have the freedom to do most anything you wish going forward... .

Peace

[woodsposse]

 

Thank you.  Yes, I agree - the r/s was a gift.  And, yes, it was also to let me know it was early and needed more time.

During the r/s my head was so jumbled that sometimes I had to struggle to remember that she wasn't my ex-wife and it wasn't an extension of my marriage. 

The "bad" part about it was I tend to gravitate towards the same archetype, so there were a lot of similarities between them (not personality I mean).  Personality speaking - they were night and day.  So that was a very huge breath of fresh air.  And I enjoyed it every chance I could.

I'm sure when I'm ready, I will meet someone and it will be even as wonderful.  I kinda like being more clear headed.