Well, I didn’t even know what it meant and really didn’t know what it was….I just know that this feeling was always there, lingering in the back ground. It still is there but I’m starting to understand what it is, why it’s there…sigh…it’s both enlightening and discouraging.
Fear: I realize that many times I do things out of fear. It’s a co-dependent thing, a control thing, a preservation thing. For example, I won’t go out with my sister because I fear my husband’s reaction when I get home. I will leave my sister’s house early (if I do go) because I know if I stay too long or too late my H will freak out on me and there will be hell to pay. Just one example, there are others. Sometimes this effects my work life but not always and not as much as it used to. Some of my friends tease me when my H’s not around because of this. Like saying that “Do you have permission to xyz?” I’ve let good friendships go because of this. This for sure affects the way I parent.
Obligation: I remain in this marriage out of obligation to my children which is based on my own beliefs. I’ve stayed with him for this long so that my kids wouldn’t be forced to be parented by him alone even if only for a week at a time. He is mean, unnecessarily mean sometimes. I’ve always stepped in and stepped up to him in their defense when he’s getting to irately irrational unreasonably mean with them.
Guilt: I feel bad about all of this as if I have the sole power to make this better. I do not. I feel bad about breaking up my kid’s family. I feel bad for him, like I’m giving up on him. I feel bad and guilty about wanting to leave him and honestly, I feel guilt for putting my children thru all this all these years…but I made the best choices I could giving the information I had.
Honestly, I just want peace…just peace in my home, in my mind and in my bed. Just peace. I don’t want to have this storm ragging inside of me anymore. I know that I need to get stronger to stand up straight as I walk through the storm that’s coming…I want so badly for this to not be a huge drama ridden conflict….I want so badly to know that it’s going to end, really and truly end….I want so badly for peace….and now the real question is “What am I willing to do to achieve what I want?”
So then the FOG sets in again but in a different way maybe? Am I willing to put my own self first, above my children, in my own life? Maybe that’s just whacky thinking on my part….I’m rambling….how can I know the future? I can’t, I don’t. How can I know what this action will bring into their lives? How can I know what this will bring into my life? I can’t know. Me, I’m going to be ok no matter what…unless, my children aren’t ok….and I don’t think my H’s going to be ok (he’ll be fine but he won’t be ok) I really think he’s going to make my life hard, the public smearing…whatever I don’t care what all them people think of me….but I do care a lot about what my kids think of me…and I care a lot about what they are exposed to…what is he going to do to them? How far will he go to be “right”?
So I guess I allow myself to be controlled by my fear, my sense of obligation and my own guilt. I’m trying to figure out how to be brave,
….now this is the thing, I have made the decision within myself that I am leaving…I need to leave him, need to leave this…it’s taking me a long time to get to this point. I’ve had to accept that this isn’t ever going to get better, it’s never going to change, that he is exactly who he is….and if he wanted things to be different he’d do things differently…so, I’ve made the decision and have been thinking on how/when to execute this….
My plan is to wait til my son’s 18 yrs old, about one year from now.
Slowly move my important things from my house to my sister’s house, just the very important items and just a little bit at a time.
Make copies of all the important papers and store them either at my work or at my sisters house.
Then…I’m not sure….
Factors to consider: We are already divorced so that’s done. We have no savings no real assets of any sort and what we do have I really don’t care if he takes all of that (tv’s, stereos, computer, etc) it’s only stuff. I can’t count on the cops to show up at my house in any reasonable time frame *if* my H decided to be violent. My brother lives with us. We currently have physical placement of my H’s bio 5 year old granddaughter (not thru the courts just helping her mom out) that maybe end up becoming permanent custody…oh, that’s another long story…idk if there are any other things I need to consider at the moment.
What I want is for him to be out of my house. I have told him to leave the house many times over the last year. He’s agreed to leave but never does.
I’m not sure what my next steps are…thoughts?
