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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: BPD or just a jerk?  (Read 13353 times)
AG
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« Reply #60 on: May 24, 2014, 06:41:20 PM »

Wow - A full afternoon of reading. I respect your point of view Cosmonaut I just don't agree with it.

People are a product of their genetic make up and their body of life experience. They can control that product in many ways. Physical difficulties can be attended to and life experiences can be used in a positive or negative way. I appreciate that I've had an experience with a person that was 9/9 of the behaviors listed in the DSM that define BPD. I don't know that I agree with a specific label, other than undesirable behavior, but it taught me what to look for or look out for. I've also had a relationship with an alcoholic after never having any experience with one in my life. Now I know how to recognize it.

I have to disagree with you as well Narellan as my ex consciously manipulated people and situations and found mechanisms to feel no guilt about it. Again, she was 9/9 on the BPD scale.

Has there ever been a defense of a serious crime like murder or rape due to BPD? Could there be? If science continues to presume that their brains are underdeveloped and they can't control their actions couldn't there be? Innocent by reason of insanity? Incompetent to stand trial? I haven't heard the BPD defense yet. Has anybody else? I have seen people with this type of behavior have no problem accusing others unjustly of many things.

No it's not a defense in a court of law you can research those statistics as well. There are more BPD women out there only because most of the men end up in jail. The women are more likely to sleep around and give you an STD in the name of they're illness but the men are extremely dangerous because usually they get very physical and beat the crap out of someone when they are in a fit of rage. The women get physical too but far less likely. Why because they consciously know that they are for the most part not a match to fight with a man. Again there goes the conscious thought again. I swear I read a story of someone on here that went to sleep and his BPD girl beat his face while he was sleeping to the point where he was bloody. I was not there but I can imagine whoever that BPD woman was saying "look what you made me do you made me break my hand across your face" Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #61 on: May 24, 2014, 07:59:16 PM »

Wow - A full afternoon of reading. I respect your point of view Cosmonaut I just don't agree with it.

People are a product of their genetic make up and their body of life experience. They can control that product in many ways. Physical difficulties can be attended to and life experiences can be used in a positive or negative way. I appreciate that I've had an experience with a person that was 9/9 of the behaviors listed in the DSM that define BPD. I don't know that I agree with a specific label, other than undesirable behavior, but it taught me what to look for or look out for. I've also had a relationship with an alcoholic after never having any experience with one in my life. Now I know how to recognize it.

I have to disagree with you as well Narellan as my ex consciously manipulated people and situations and found mechanisms to feel no guilt about it. Again, she was 9/9 on the BPD scale.

Has there ever been a defense of a serious crime like murder or rape due to BPD? Could there be? If science continues to presume that their brains are underdeveloped and they can't control their actions couldn't there be? Innocent by reason of insanity? Incompetent to stand trial? I haven't heard the BPD defense yet. Has anybody else? I have seen people with this type of behavior have no problem accusing others unjustly of many things.

No it's not a defense in a court of law you can research those statistics as well. There are more BPD women out there only because most of the men end up in jail. The women are more likely to sleep around and give you an STD in the name of they're illness but the men are extremely dangerous because usually they get very physical and beat the crap out of someone when they are in a fit of rage. The women get physical too but far less likely. Why because they consciously know that they are for the most part not a match to fight with a man. Again there goes the conscious thought again. I swear I read a story of someone on here that went to sleep and his BPD girl beat his face while he was sleeping to the point where he was bloody. I was not there but I can imagine whoever that BPD woman was saying "look what you made me do you made me break my hand across your face" Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Mine only hit me once, and it was almost something that I wouldn't qualify as DV. I was laying on the bed face down and she walked by and smacked me on my bare leg hard because she was frustrated with me. I was engrossed in a book, and thought "No, she didn't just hit me, did she?" That was one of her deal breakers: "never hit me or cheat on me." I got up and faced her, "did you just hit me?" Deer in the headlights glazed eyes look, accompanied by a stuttered, uncomfortable semi-laugh. "Noo." I think you just hit me! Again, "no." I shook my head and laid back down. She went into the bathroom to do womanly things.

An episode of dissociation (as all rages qualify as), a partial detachment from reality. So at what point does a concious choice to do something like that become something uncontrollable? We here of uncontrollable anger from BPDs and others who may not have a PD, but just anger issues. The choice, I think, comes from doing something about it to get better.

When she cycled into shame and guilt mode, she used to cry, "I hate that I can't control my emotions, I just hate it! I hate how I treat you, and I hate the kids seeing me like this." There were times she would leave for a little while, just to get her head on strait. Or take a nap to snap out of a deep BPD depression cycle. The lack of control is obvious. Her coping mechanisms developed as some type of conscious choice to deal with it. Her going to therapy was also another choice, never mind that she never went deep into the T to really get better. So I see it as a mixture of both free will, and the inability to control certain behaviors when triggered. I see the same things in our son, in a way. When he gets triggered, he really can't control himself. It's my job as a parent to teach him this control, in order for his mind to develop properly, instead of unhealthily. Our D is the opposite. Her tantrums are passive-aggressive. She just stops and drops, hardly ever cries. It's an odd comparison, and I have to remember that genes do play a role there.

I used to think of uBPDx, "what's wrong with her... . it's almost as if her parents never taught her 'xyz.'" If no one ever did, then her path was set wrong early in life. But then her parents never knew how to deal with her anger either. Certainly a complicated equation to solve.
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #62 on: May 24, 2014, 08:27:25 PM »

I swear I read a story of someone on here that went to sleep and his BPD girl beat his face while he was sleeping to the point where he was bloody. I was not there but I can imagine whoever that BPD woman was saying "look what you made me do you made me break my hand across your face" Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

AG,

Your probably referring to me. She attacked me many times at night when I slept with objects and her fists. Cold blooded. She attacked me one time when I was hurt - non related. I was an easy target I guess. These were the planned attacks. I am lucky she didn't murder me in my sleep. I should of called the fkn police. I had marriage vows and she told me she would never do it again till the next fkn next time when she would do it fkn again. This is triggering to me I better stop typing I'm aggravated. BTW your right she would say "Look what you made me do!". AG you have incredible insight. I'm guessing you typed the LOL in jest of the craziness of the words. For sure nothing is funny in living through this ___ though.

Peace,

AO
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #63 on: May 24, 2014, 10:28:49 PM »

No disrespect to the psych field, because I really do believe they help, but, giving a name and creating a disorder gives these jerks justification for their destructive and harmful behavior. All of a sudden they become the victim and then its actually your fault, you drove them to this, you are the one who won't sympathize with their BPD condition, you are the one who rejects them or are unsupportive when you hold them accountable or set boundaries, most times its just a bunch of bull for them to hide behind.

This one's fun.  If I was still in the middle of it with mine, I'd counter with it isn't my fault, it's your mother's, along with a genetic predisposition; go take it up with her.  The BPD toolkit comes with a gallon of Teflon, nothing sticks, and I failed miserably when I was in it, but she wouldn't get away with that crap today; I'd take her on not to salvage the relationship but to win, just once.  Thank god that's over with, and guess I still got schoolin' to do... .
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #64 on: May 24, 2014, 10:31:10 PM »

Anyone else wonder this? Is it really a diagnosable disorder or are they just jerks?

BOTH!
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AG
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« Reply #65 on: May 24, 2014, 11:13:17 PM »

I swear I read a story of someone on here that went to sleep and his BPD girl beat his face while he was sleeping to the point where he was bloody. I was not there but I can imagine whoever that BPD woman was saying "look what you made me do you made me break my hand across your face" Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

AG,

Your probably referring to me. She attacked me many times at night when I slept with objects and her fists. Cold blooded. She attacked me one time when I was hurt - non related. I was an easy target I guess. These were the planned attacks. I am lucky she didn't murder me in my sleep. I should of called the fkn police. I had marriage vows and she told me she would never do it again till the next fkn next time when she would do it fkn again. This is triggering to me I better stop typing I'm aggravated. BTW your right she would say "Look what you made me do!". AG you have incredible insight. I'm guessing you typed the LOL in jest of the craziness of the words. For sure nothing is funny in living through this ___ though.

Peace,

AO

Yup there is nothing funny about that situation at all. You got it though I just find it ridiculous what she did and I what a surprise that I knew she would say something like "look what you made me do". That is a perfect example of premeditated action. If you are sleeping that means she had to actually sit there and think about it first. Even when they are setting up for a replacement they would have to put some work in and time and thought to do such. My BPD ex before diagnosis swallowed a whole bottle of asprin in a fake suicide attempt which at the time I thought was real and took very seriously. After rushing her to the hospital and having a draining experience this was really when my boundaries broke the hell down. Prior to that I was dealing with nonsense but I was holding my ground for sure. Once that fake suicide attempt happened she had my full fledge sympathy and pity party 24/7. Feeding off my guilt and draining my resources like crazy. Do I think she knew that she would have that much of success with that attempt I doubt it but she sure as hell took advantage of the fact that I was worried like crazy. SMH... . Dude sometimes you just have to laugh. I feel like I just started being able to laugh sometimes about the ridiculousness. Maybe I'm getting a bit better IDK. This is one hell of a time of my life Ill tell you that and when this is over with if this is not life changing I dont know what will be then.
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #66 on: May 24, 2014, 11:50:19 PM »

Maybe I'm getting a bit better IDK. This is one hell of a time of my life Ill tell you that and when this is over with if this is not life changing I dont know what will be then.

AG,

It's a lot easier to get over them when they do this cr*p. So she did me an unintentionally future favor. I don't even know what was real or fake. I do know for sure most of it was fake. Glad your getting better, I am too. I need to vent sometimes, your probably the same way. It's just something to do on the road to recovery.

Peace,

AO

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Danie14
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« Reply #67 on: May 27, 2014, 02:13:49 PM »

Thank you, everyone, for all your thoughts. It’s taken me a bit of time to read this thread and I wanted to comment…

First, I guess I really can only speak from my own experience and for my own self. I personally don’t like label’s or trying to lump everyone/thing into categories. I truly believe life is way too complex and messy to contain.

Having said that…well, all the reasons in the world can never change the facts. My H is a jerk. He may or may not have a diagnosable disorder, such as BPD and truthfully the only way we’ll ever know is if he takes himself in to see a dr and follows thru. Will he do this? I don’t know. If the past is an indicator of the future, no, he won’t do this as this would (if he followed thru) force him to really look at himself. But I don’t know the future. I don’t have crystal ball to see what will happen. Maybe he’ll decide to get himself healthy. I can and will pray for him.

I can see the ‘3 yr old’ child in him, quite often. It’s pretty sickening to me because he hides behind this, to me it’s cowardly. However, understanding the reasons why he’s hiding…well, that just breaks my heart for him. FOR him. I hate that he feels this fear….and that truly makes me want to hold him and keep him safe….Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) but if I do that (if I continue to do that) who’s keeping me safe from him? not a Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) at all. And to be even more honest it disgusts me. This fear, cowardly, three year old MAN who’s way bigger and way stronger than a 3 yr old….he’s supposed to be the one who’s protecting this family from people like him…. I have chosen to be here in this marriage with him for all these years to protect my children from him.

It makes me disgusted in myself, too. But it is what it is and I did what I did. There’s no going back so I live with this now. I don’t regret this either because our kids are great kids, we’ve provided the best we could for them, and really it gave my H lots and lots of time to get himself together. He used the time the way he used the time. His choice.

I hate that I feel so numb now. I hate that I feel this fear of him, for him….I hate that I feel unlovable. I hate that I question everyone and everything. I hate that I get this tight wound up feeling deep inside my heart/mind when I’m with him. I hate that I don’t trust him and I don’t believe him. I hate that I feel crazy.

I hate that I even use the word “hate” that I understand it…

The science stuff. Yea, I get it. Chemical imbalance. However, are their brains actually tested for this chemical imbalance? I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 10 yrs ago. Not one single physical test, just ‘here take these pills’ and you’ll feel better. Well, no. I’m not going to just take some pills because you ‘say’ my brain chemistry is out of whack. So…I wonder, do the BPD’s get tested for this chemical imbalance? Also, I don’t think that every single person on this planet is wired exactly the same…so how can we really and truly know if anyone of us has a brain that chemically imbalanced? What if that’s just the way WE are supposed to be? Ok, that’s a bit out there. But what I’m getting at is that what’s imbalanced for most may actually be balanced for some. Ah, but I’m rambling here with this…sorry…Anyway, I think that mostly all science is just well-educated guesses, I think that most science isn’t as exact as they’d like us to believe, and that the gray/fuzzy areas scare the hell out of the scientists.

Is he calculating and manipulating? Yes and yes. I have witnessed this with my own eyes. The weird thing is…I don’t think he knows or he refuses to see just how calculating and manipulating he really is. He is highly impulsive, too. I think that this is all wrapped up into one thing that is about controlling me and the environment. For example, my car’s not the greatest thing, it’s old and it’s tired. He’s a mechanic so he works on it to keep it going. I could afford a new car but he says we owe too much money we have too many loans out in our names we could never qualify…then a couple days later it’s the exact opposite (when we have company and he’s trying to impress them)…the real reason he says this stuff? To keep me from going any place for fear my car will break down and leave me and the grandbaby stranded. This is just one example.

He can change his behavior, I know he can because I’ve seen him do it. Years ago he used to hit me. Punch me in the face. He’d grab me by my arms hard enough to leave finger print bruises…oh, there’s more but you get the point. There was on particularly bad episode where I ended up with black eyes, bloody lips….it was the last straw for me and I told him so the next day when he sobered up…he has never beat me like that again….so he can change his behavior if he wanted to. I’ve been telling him for two years now (maybe longer) that I’m not good with this anymore. That something has to change. I know he knows where I’m at because I’ve told him exactly where I’m at with this…and this causes fear in me. Deep fear….if he was capable of beating the crap outta me when he LOVED me what’s he going to be capable of when he doesn’t love me anymore?

Bottom line: The reasons do not change the facts. If he were my child I’d be all in forever. He’s not my child. He’s an adult. If he really and truly wanted us to work out he’d have sought help for himself. I can’t force him to seek help. I didn’t force him to be a jerk. I need to take care of myself.

I can’t make this better.

Yes, there was a lot of craziness in my life with him. Still is, truth be told. I’m leaving him but haven’t left yet. I am afraid of his reaction when I do leave. I’m getting less afraid or maybe just braver. The more I understand, the more I can make sense of this *STUFF* the less afraid I am, the stronger I become.

Thank you all again and again! I'll probably go back and read this more than once.
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Narellan
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« Reply #68 on: May 27, 2014, 06:30:29 PM »

Danie14. You've had enough, you've done enough. More than enough to stay and raise your beautiful children. I really can relate. I stayed 22 years with my bipolar husband, ten years I wanted to leave but feared for my children and myself. I finally left 2 years ago. He took it pretty well but there were some bad days. Once when he was drunk and we were both at the same venue watching a band, he came over and shirt fronted me to the ground. The bouncers wanted him to leave, but instead I left. I knew that would exacerbate the whole thing and he'd come to my door later on if he was thrown out. Another night, same venue he stated he was going to jump off the nearby bridge and walked up to do so. Got no reaction so he came back and lay in the middle of the road, blocking traffic for a period of time.

I could not let my little children go to have access with this man. I didn't know what he would do to them to punish me for leaving, so I waited until they were teenagers.

All is good now. I bought a house for me and my 3 sons. He bought a house. They stay every second weekend with him and have mobile phones if they need me anytime day or night.

I thought that was the worst experience of my life. How wrong I was when 18 months later I met my ex BPD.

Things must be going to look up soon for me Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

I wish you all the very best for you and your children. For me the hardest part was making the decision to finally do it.
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Mutt
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« Reply #69 on: May 27, 2014, 08:53:50 PM »



This thread has reached its 4-page limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread if you'd like.
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