And the dance begins...

[kelc323]

I declared a two week break from my BPDD27 about 8 days ago. It was for a very good reason -- actually several good reasons. In that time she sent a couple of scathing texts which I ignored. Now she texted me saying that 'she sure does miss me.' I feel like I need to hold this boundary because I always cave. I'm not sure what to do. Does anyone more skilled at skills than I am have any ideas? I feel mean by not recognizing her attempts to reconnect, but I also know from experience that this will change suddenly and we'll be back to square one. Help please

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

How about a SET

"Miss you too I have been feeling very stressed and tired and am giving myself a rest from everything.

Could we meet up on xxxdate -look forward to seeing you."

If she sends any texts with a less friendly tone ignore? and just stick to the date you have suggested?

Just suggestions- I'm also practicing sticking to boundaries whilst still trying to be loving

[kelc323]

Thanks, Lever. You're on point with the SET skills and I appreciate the suggestion. Honestly, though, I don't miss her much right now. I may have to take the white lie route to keep the peace though. 

[kelc323]

Ok, I finally came up with a response and have sent it, but I'm curious as to what others may think. My BPDD27 sent me a text saying, "I sure miss you (with a red-faced angry emoticon)." I replied, "It is hard isn't it? We have this dance that we do and I feel strongly that things need to change... . for the sake of my sanity and to preserve our relationship. Two weeks gives me time to rest my mind and relieve some stress. It's not forever (thank goodness) and I look forward to seeing you next Tuesday when I pick up my GS2. We can talk more then if you'd like."

Everyone on this board is so insightful and supportive. I'd appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.

[lever.]

 Strange that the text was accompanied by an angry emoticon.

I've also been more liberal with the "miss you too" than I sometimes feel.

Having replied now I think I would ignore further texts especially if negative and wait for next week.

How often are you usually in contact?

It might help to read over some of the communication skills before you meet again and have a think about what really needs to change and how you will communicate this.

I would try to think about your first priority in what needs to change as tiny little steps towards change seem to work best

[kelc323]

Ah, Lever, you've hit the nail on the head. This is the hardest part for me. What needs to change? In many ways, I probably need to change more, as I still get very hurt feelings when she attacks me. It's the emotional mind field I have always lived in -- with my Bipolar/NPD mother growing up and now my daughter. Inevitably, I will do or say something very innocent, step on the emotional bomb and it literally explodes in my face. I struggle with detaching emotionally, because at that point I feel like the relationship is no longer genuine and it is very measured. Honesty is one of my strongest values.

My BPDD is typically in contact with me 3-10x a day. She's also been known to blow up my phone at in the wee hours of the morning. I've done a pretty good job setting that boundary. I no longer answer the phone after 9:00 pm. The reason being is she is typically drunk or high by that time. Often, she has called from jail. I just can't deal with it. In some ways, we really do have a close relationship. She has never cut off from me and often calls me her guardian angel, because I have literally saved her life -- three times. Underneath all the chaos in her mind, she knows that I love her... . but I also need her to know that we are separate. I can't continue to function as her "mommy." I need to be able to function as her mom at this stage of her life.

Initially, I'm thinking of telling her that we need to limit our texting/calling to once a day. We can have lunch or dinner once a week. And, I will continue to be with my GS2 two evenings a week. It still feels like a lot, though, because she is really unstable right now. Even her T contacted me, which she rarely does, letting me know that my BPDD is hearing her own truths and that she is abusing her prescription meds and other drugs. Her T is now recommending a residential substance abuse treatment facility, in addition to DBT group and individual therapy. Of course, my daughter is not willing to participate in either, at this point.

So, for the next few days, I will continue to read and think about my priorities. Honestly, though, every time I think of the word "priority," I hear the word "peace" in my head. I need peace. *sigh* I'm just not sure how to get it.

[lever.]

Ok-small steps towards peace.

Not answering the phone at night is a good start.

Perhaps going from up to 10x per day to once a day would be a lot and trigger fears of abandonment. How about sometimes warning her that you will be unavailable for a couple of hours and putting phone on silent?

The lesson on the right "being self aware and of wise mind " might help.

I have joined a mindfulness meditation group and it is a great help in calming my own emotions. The emotional regulation skills in DBT are also helpful.

These things have been helpful in trying to find some peace despite things being chaotic.

I think its a mix between working on ourselves and sticking to boundaries

I also wonder about doing an SET with her:

"I really want to support you and I know you are having a very hard time just now.

I am feeling very tired and stressed myself too. In order to be most helpful to you I need to have some time to rest" ?

[Googie]

Kelc323 I am dealing with the exact same thing.  I get cursed out on day and it seems that when my DD needs something she will become such a loving daughter, saying what she thinks will get her what she wants.  If I get her what she wants then within hours its right back to the disrespectful insults and put downs, if I do not get her what she wants, we skip the temporary calm and go straight into the storm. 

I always find myself feeling guilty for being so skeptical.  But I have realized I had to protect myself emotionally.  I have learned by to many experiences that by being skeptical, I am protecting myself from being overwhelmed and feeling like a victim.  I always have a speck of hope and am always fighting to lower my expectations and raise my acceptance of reality whether good or bad.  I only wish for my DD to live an awesome life filled with happiness and success, so when I struggle with the inconsistencies of BPD I can't help but feel somewhat guilty.

Ugh, I wish there was an easy fix or at least a way to successfully handle situations like this. 

You are not alone, and I a not alone.

Googie