Your ex's relationship with their mom or dad?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My dBPD ex wife has with her mother the most oppressive relationship I've seen between two human beings, and her father is a mouse of a man.

this is not far from my stbxw's situation. her mother, who is emotionally infantile, has treated her daughter like a servant, like a yo-yo on the end of a string, to the point that i was insulted; and her father is an abdicator who is completely in thrall to his wife, though hugely accomplished in his professional life. i never in all the years i knew the family saw him intervene once between his wife and his children, or even individually with his children, and my wife said she was 'shocked' when her father did contradict his wife once, taking our side about a detail about the wedding. it's a profoundly disfunctional situation.

on account of this i thought my w would like to get away from her mother, and would probably not want to replicate her parents' marriage - after all my w had the career her mother never had; she had followed her husband as he climbed the ladder and that gave her nagging rights, which she used masterfully, whereas my wife moved only once and then to take a nice promotion. how silly i was. no sooner did we set up shop than i applied what i'd seen growing up, and my wife applied what she'd seen, and these were reconcilable only with difficulty. i thought during the marriage that this was the problem, not knowing about the BPD.

why didn't i credit what i saw right in front of my eyes? 

[maxen]

My dBPD ex wife has with her mother the most oppressive relationship I've seen between two human beings, and her father is a mouse of a man.

this is not far from my stbxw's situation. her mother, who is emotionally infantile, has treated her daughter like a servant, like a yo-yo on the end of a string, to the point that i was insulted; and her father is an abdicator who is completely in thrall to his wife, though hugely accomplished in his professional life. i never in all the years i knew the family saw him intervene once between his wife and his children, or even individually with his children, and my wife said she was 'shocked' when her father did contradict his wife once, taking our side about a detail about the wedding. it's a profoundly disfunctional situation.

on account of this i thought my w would like to get away from her mother, and would probably not want to replicate her parents' marriage - after all my w had the career her mother never had; she had followed her husband as he climbed the ladder and that gave her nagging rights, which she used masterfully, whereas my wife moved only once and then to take a nice promotion. how silly i was. no sooner did we set up shop than i applied what i'd seen growing up, and my wife applied what she'd seen, and these were reconcilable only with difficulty. i thought during the marriage that this was the problem, not knowing about the BPD.

why didn't i credit what i saw right in front of my eyes? 

[Jack2727]

Great Topic:

Mother: My ex had a love/hate relationship with her mother. She divorced her father when my ex was 20. Her mother came out to be a lesbian. She still holds extreme resentment of the fact that her mother is gay, and lied to her about being so for so long. One of her violent episodes took place when she started raging over her mother. She had a broom and pounded her bed for a hour. But strangely, she also confides in her. She constantly calls her and spends time with her because she doesn't like to be alone.

Father: She says she is close to her father. He is an adreneline junkie. He flies planes and drives racecars. He also has severe depression issues. According to her mother, the reason why the marriage fell apart is that he constantly focused on his hobbies. Self-absorbed. The funny thing is that she showed empathy for what her mother did to her father but showed none to me.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Great Topic:

Mother: My ex had a love/hate relationship with her mother. She divorced her father when my ex was 20. Her mother came out to be a lesbian. She still holds extreme resentment of the fact that her mother is gay, and lied to her about being so for so long. One of her violent episodes took place when she started raging over her mother. She had a broom and pounded her bed for a hour. But strangely, she also confides in her. She constantly calls her and spends time with her because she doesn't like to be alone.

Father: She says she is close to her father. He is an adreneline junkie. He flies planes and drives racecars. He also has severe depression issues. According to her mother, the reason why the marriage fell apart is that he constantly focused on his hobbies. Self-absorbed. The funny thing is that she showed empathy for what her mother did to her father but showed none to me.

I find it interesting that the mother said the reason the marriage fell apart was that he was self-absorbed and not that she was a lesbian and attracted to women. But if that's what she thinks... .

[Jack2727]

I have a feeling her mother was also BPD but I never had a chance to get to know well. The family is full of    's. The more time passes the more I feel better about the breakup. I think I dodged a major bullet.

[JohnLove]

I have never met my BPDgf's parents despite knowing her for 8 years and being together for over 2. She has met my mother. She promised to take me to meet her father. Said if I wanted to meet her mother I would be going on my own. I know where she lives. Maybe I should. But I suspect I may be painted the blackest shade of BLACK if I did so.

Her daughter had a chance meeting with his partner. She discovered my BPDgf's father was hospitalised after having a heart attack. She told her Mum. She shared this news with me. I asked her how she felt about it. Her feelings were "mixed"... .and she "didn't know". What th'?.

My BPDgf had previously told me she had a fairly good relationship with her father, despite her not having any contact with him, because she always had to make the effort. He wouldn't, or stopped coming to her place. She was a little indifferent (keeping in mind this was a guy who abandonded her mother when they split). I didn't think he was painted black... .maybe a shade of grey... .or off white?... .maybe?

I thought that would prompt her to visit him and that would be my chance to meet him.

I would like to meet him before he passes. It might explain a few things. Or it may not.

I need perspective.

Can someone help me with this?... .PLEASE.

[Tim300]

I have never met my BPDgf's parents despite knowing her for 8 years and being together for over 2. She has met my mother. She promised to take me to meet her father. Said if I wanted to meet her mother I would be going on my own. I know where she lives. Maybe I should. But I suspect I may be painted the blackest shade of BLACK if I did so.

Her daughter had a chance meeting with his partner. She discovered my BPDgf's father was hospitalised after having a heart attack. She told her Mum. She shared this news with me. I asked her how she felt about it. Her feelings were "mixed"... .and she "didn't know". What th'?.

My BPDgf had previously told me she had a fairly good relationship with her father, despite her not having any contact with him, because she always had to make the effort. He wouldn't, or stopped coming to her place. She was a little indifferent (keeping in mind this was a guy who abandonded her mother when they split). I didn't think he was painted black... .maybe a shade of grey... .or off white?... .maybe?

I thought that would prompt her to visit him and that would be my chance to meet him.

I would like to meet him before he passes. It might explain a few things. Or it may not.

I need perspective.

Can someone help me with this?... .PLEASE.

Since you are asking for advice: If you are serious about marrying the girl, I would do whatever you can to meet both biological parents to get some perspective on what you're getting in to.  You have every right.  As mentioned in an earlier post, my ex's mother was a pwBPD and leads a pretty lousy life.  To my detriment, I kinda swept this fact under the rug and ignored the adage, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."  Also, I was prohibited from meeting the father supposedly because he had been abusive or something -- knowing what I know now, I think his "abuse" was not being an enabler.  I suspect the father might have warned previous suitors about how severely ill his daughter is, and that because of this I wasn't allowed to meet him.  Never again will I propose to a girl without being given the ability to meet both parents if they are living.   

[billypilgrim]

Mine's mother is a dBPD.  My ex cut her in and out of her life numerous times during our 6 years together.  She would go from being her best friend to someone she couldn't even talk to.  Her father, I respect tremendously.  He has a problem with alcohol that has gotten him into some trouble but given he spent 16 years with my ex's mother, I understand why he has issues.  He too, has been cut out of her life numerous times.  She'd go weeks without talking to him and he lives just 20 minutes away.

Coincidentally, my ex's mother left her 2nd husband about a month after my ex left me.  The mother moved in with her daughter so the two are now roommates.  I don't think I could have dreamt that up if I tried.

[Targeted]

My ex had no relationship with her parents!  None. She was avoided at all costs, we did start by there a few times and the visits only lasted about five minutes, they would not look her in the eye unless the interaction was A argumentative nature, any time her father would raise his voice to her, her mother would develop a great big smile, she had told me over the years her parents would only stop by once a year to drop-off Christmas presents for the kids, but from what I witnessed now they only mail a card. In the 2 1/2 years I was with her I never saw or heard of any family functions, I do not know whether or not her family is the type to get together but if they are she was certainly not invited!

[going places]

It's strange to see how many people 'tolerate abuse' in the name of "but they're family".

After years of abuse, I ceased hosting 'holidays' at my home.

That made me the bad guy.

NEVER MIND the in-laws never invited us to their home, or hosted a holiday at their home.

So clearly, coming to my home, eating everything in sight, trashing the place, allowing your kids to steal from my kids, then leaving is how you are going to treat me?

Then you are no longer welcome.

When a MIL interferes in a marriage, lines need to be drawn.

Scripture says "the two become one, the man is to leave his family (their authority) and cleave to his wife" (creating his own headship / leader of the family)

When MIL buys beer for a christmas gift for her son, KNOWING that his wife had a problem with alcohol in the past THEN claims "oh they are collectors items"?

And when the same MIL, in front of everyone, gives family heirloom gifts - beautifully hand crafted items, china, etc. to one DIL but when the other DIL opens her gifts, it's a comb and brush set, with the 1.00 clearance sticker still attached.

Yeah, it's time to stop subjecting yourself to that kind of abuse.

When your own parents play an abusive game, all your life, and you finally understand what that game is and why it's played... .and you are the receiving end of this abuse?

It's time to walk away.

I went to my advocate, terrified that the only "common denominator" here is ME... .there must be something wrong with ME... .

She explained that when you are in an abuse cycle, you will attract and draw in more and more abusers.

Essentially 'I was an easy mark".

SO eliminating abuse / abusers from you life... .

Getting on track and healthy / recovering and growing from past abuse.

THEN and only then will you attract 'healthy people" who have healthy boundaries, healthy relationships, healthy thoughts, actions, and emotions!

I personally think it's crazy to do holidays / family events with people you can't stand---people who are abusive JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE FAMILY.

That is koo koo kachoo to me.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My ex has no relationship with either her mother or father.  Her mother abandoned her and her sister when they were preschool age.  Her father is mentally ill and was physically abusive to the point of breaking bones.  She was raised in hell.

[Dutched]

Parents were dumped in an outburst when exw was a teenager, absolutely NC for a 9 yrs.

A year later we ran into her sister, exw ran like hell to avoid contact.

Avoided her home village at any costs.

Dumped her best friends and extended family too.

Exw mother was cold, lack of empathy and could cut people out of her life too, her brother after a quarrel.

About the event, being dumped by exw, exMIL played the victim, ‘like being amputated’

Towards exwsister (in a letter to exw, just previous reconciliation) exMIL stated that she would never be the one that will contact her daughter (exw) first.

Exw father was the enabler, trying to manoeuvre and looking strong as he was pushed to do so.   

After reconsilliation, no word ever was spoken about the event years before… Ended up in a mutual guild trip by being there to help each other out. Nothing deep emotional, just a superficial happy family again…

[Infared]

My ex has no relationship with either her mother or father.  Her mother abandoned her and her sister when they were preschool age.  Her father is mentally ill and was physically abusive to the point of breaking bones.  She was raised in hell.

That is really, really sad (if true). Sounds like she wouLd need really intensive counseling and maybe group therapy to even have a shot at any kind of normal life. She would have to want that and do the work, though. No one could do that for her. Unfortunately, many of these cases can't look at anything that "they" do... .It is just so much easier to blame others for everything... .I know... .I lived it.

[going places]

My ex has no relationship with either her mother or father.  Her mother abandoned her and her sister when they were preschool age.  Her father is mentally ill and was physically abusive to the point of breaking bones.  She was raised in hell.

That is really, really sad (if true). Sounds like she wouLd need really intensive counseling and maybe group therapy to even have a shot at any kind of normal life. She would have to want that and do the work, though. No one could do that for her. Unfortunately, many of these cases can't look at anything that "they" do... .It is just so much easier to blame others for everything... .I know... .I lived it.

The difference in "getting healthy" and breaking the generational curse is to know that the origin of issues is ________ AND THEN learning healthy life skills and choices not to repeat those patterns.

It's ok to say "yeah, my child hood was screwed up and it created patterns of thinking and patterns of behavior that are hard to change, but I WILL NOT BE LIKE THAT".

It's those who say "oh I do this because that is what was done to me; the end" that we need to steer clear of.

[Infared]

It's hard work. Naming the problem and owning it takes repeated pain and serious self awareness... .

The problem also is, in many of these situations... .if you have a pretty face... .it is just so much easier to blame and say "next, please".