Was doing well but now feel an intense hatred towards my exBPDh

[Popcorn71]

I have been NC for 5 months.  I still see my exBPDh around occasionally but fortunately only passing in the car so I haven't come face to face with him.

Lately I have been feeling much happier and some good things have been happening in my life.  I've been keeping busy and enjoying some time to myself.  I can clearly see that my life is much better now that he is out of it.

However, I still think of him daily and can't stop asking 'why?'  I know I will never get an answer but I still want/need to know.  I tell myself that it is because he didn't love me and he got bored because life with me wasn't as easy as he wanted it to be, so he just found a replacement who would be easier to control.  The fact that he is still with her and apparently they are happy together, after 9 months, really hurts me too.  He must be treating her like he did me when we were first together.  All I wanted was for him to carry on being that man that looked after me and loved me so much.  But instead he abused my son and became less and less attentive and caring towards me.

Anyway, for the last few days I have been feeling a real hatred towards him.  Every time I think of him I really hate him.  I know that hate is a strong word, but I really do HATE him.  It has got to the point where I actually feel physically sick when I think that I spent so many years with him.

I don't want to feel this way, I just want to forget him completely.

Has this happened to anyone else?  Why, after so many weeks of feeling ok, has this sudden change occurred?  Is it just likely to be a passing phase?

[LettingGo14]

There's a good book -- reviewed here https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

It has five stages of abandonment, with the 4th stage being Anger.  See below, and note that it could be a good sign you are one step closer to "lifting"!   



Abandonment is a cumulative wound containing all of the losses and disconnections stemming all the way back to childhood. Here is an overview of the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Anger, and Lifting – introduced in the book JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT.

   

SHATTERING - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

WITHDRAWL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

ANGER – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of anger against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

LIFTING – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

[AwakenedOne]

I don't want to feel this way, I just want to forget him completely.

Has this happened to anyone else?  Why, after so many weeks of feeling ok, has this sudden change occurred?  Is it just likely to be a passing phase?

Hi Popcorn,

I haven't read all of your story but I can relate to a lot of it that I see here in this post with my NC 9 month uBPDstbxw. Unfortunately it isn't easy to forget our spouses or the hell we have been though.

I see my ex also around town from a distance sometimes at the gas station or wherever by chance. I don't think she ever saw me. It usually runs my day.

I am ok and good most days but I have moments of disgust for what she did to me during and after our marriage. Your anger is natural. As long as you keep it in check and don't let it consume you it seems normal.



Peace,

AO

[Infared]

Popcorn,

I agree with LettingGo. Have you read Susan Anderson's Book?:

www.abandonment.net/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-susan-anderson

I think this is what you have going on.  The anger can rear its ugly head in many ways... . just try to recognize it for what it is and direct it in positive, adult ways... . It also means you are moving along with the abandonment.

I do know how you feel. Imagine if your ex and his new partner went out of their way to get in front of you and act out kissing, etc. in public places. That is what mine has done for years?  I have to be honest and say it still bothers me even though it is TOTALLY juvenile behavior.

I was at an outdoor coffee shop once (I am ALWAYS minding my own business BTW) and they sit at the adjoining coffee shop and both sit on the same side of the table facing me.  A table opens up closer and they just pick up all of their stuff and move closer and just sit there staring trying to hurt me. (I did nothing in the relationship to deserve this, although I did in a calm voice inform her that I knew she was a cheater and a liar when she ran off with this guy a week before Christmas telling me and everyone in her family, etc... etc that there was no one else in her life... . I am not making this up... . WHO behaves like this?  I never know what they are going to do... but I always know that they won't just be minding there own business. We are talking about two 45 yr. olds.

Yes... . at any given moment I would have some serious anger popping out long after the encounter. I just do the best I can and try to be patient with me and my emotions.

So count your blessings, and be patient with yourself and understand and work through the process... . Sounds like you are doing OK. It really does!

[Perdita]

Anyway, for the last few days I have been feeling a real hatred towards him.  Every time I think of him I really hate him.  I know that hate is a strong word, but I really do HATE him.  It has got to the point where I actually feel physically sick when I think that I spent so many years with him.

Popcorn, I am still undecided about my BPbf, but I also am experiencing feelings of hatred.  In my case it becomes very intense for about an hour or 2 and then I go back to being confused and uncertain.  I'm angry, because I have given so much to this r/s but have been deeply hurt so many many times and have yet to see anything in him that would suggest he feels sorry for causing me so much hurt.  The signs are also there that he is going to keep repeating that pattern.

LettingGo, thanks for sharing that.

[blissful_camper]

 

WHO behaves like this? 

People who are bored behave like that.  Couples who don't have/can't find healthy ways of bonding with each other behave like that.  To create drama. 

Unreal.    

[bruised]

Hi Infrared,

Next time you should consider moving YOUR table closer to theirs and stare right back. Mentally disturbed people don't like being stared at. 

[Infared]

Maybe they both have BPD? LOL.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Popcorn, I think angry feelings are to be expected after a b/u with a pwBPD.  I try not to judge my feelings when they come up, but rather to acknowledge and process them.  Just notice them and observe.  Maybe write them out so you get them down on paper.  You are entitled to be angry, so be respectful of your feelings as they arise.  LuckyJim

[pininterest]

Hi popcorn,

A very interesting post as I believe I’m in a similar “feeling” situation to yours, though my context slightly differs. It was a 8-month relationship, displaying a classic apparent BPD pattern: honeymoon phase, first signs of emotional unstability/disorder, then sudden breakup done remotely.

5 months now of NC. I initially felt quite depressed, constantly re-cycling her and our memories in my mind. I then managed to park this recycling for some time. But following a recent discussion with a friend of mine, all of that has popped up again and I feel angry about her, wishing I could take some kind of revenge.

So, you’re not alone in this situation and I believe it’s almost normal (from “why?” to feeling depressed, then trying to fight back). However, from what I’m trying to tell myself and what I have read across this forum:

-   It’s in our interest to clear our mind away from our ex BPD partner. Focus on yourself, go out with your friends, follow your inner passions. We should realise that hate or anger will not change the situation: it may provide a temporary relief, but it will (i) use our energy to reach this relief and (ii) prevent us from moving on

-   By looking around to build a new relationship, you will progressively remove the image permanency of your partner and this anger feeling. It helps me a lot to realise that they are nice and interesting girls out there, hopefully healthy-minded. Pump up your confidence levels. This is about you. This is what you really want to achieve

As cliché as it may sound, let’s not look at the past with bitterness. The future looks bright and it is starting now.

[Forestaken]

But instead he abused my son and became less and less attentive and caring towards me.

Anyway, for the last few days I have been feeling a real hatred towards him.  Every time I think of him I really hate him.  I know that hate is a strong word, but I really do HATE him.  It has got to the point where I actually feel physically sick when I think that I spent so many years with him.

I don't want to feel this way, I just want to forget him completely.

Has this happened to anyone else?  Why, after so many weeks of feeling ok, has this sudden change occurred?  Is it just likely to be a passing phase?

Yup - I do

My D & S live with me in the house, My dOCD+uBPDxw wants the Wide-screen, Refrig and Washer dryer.  Pisses me off b/c she lives with her sister. Why does she need a washer& dryer? refrig?  Her kids are still here!

Anyways I find myself saying the B-word (like Jeese in breaking bad)when I think about it. Then I laugh

[Popcorn71]

Thanks for your replies.

Something happened today that surprised me. 

I was in my car waiting to pull out at a junction when my ex drove past.  For a couple of seconds we had eye contact.  He had a look on his face that I remember so well.  It was his 'sulky, things are not going my way' look.  He did not look happy at all.

I was smiling and happy, singing away - until I noticed him.  Then I must have just looked shocked. 

For the next few miles I was a couple of cars behind him and I know he would have been looking in his mirrors and watching me.  I found myself wondering what he felt and I really think from the look on his face that it was regret.  I think he does know he messed up.  The only time I have ever known that look was when he was angry that things were not going to plan.  His life certainly hasn't gone to plan since we split up, if I believe rumours I have heard.

Anyway, this encounter didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.  The fact that he didn't acknowledge me showed me that something is bothering him.  It is far different from when we first split up and he would cockily wave and smile if he saw me.  He enjoyed hurting me then.  Now things have turned around.  I am the one who is less bothered by the looks of things.  I hope this is a sign that I am on my way to getting over him.

This has made me feel less angry and I actually felt sorry for him briefly.  My life is improving day by day and I am gradually becoming happier.  I can see that there is no need for me to get angry and want revenge.  It looks like he has inflicted that on himself.  As bad as it may sound, seeing him look unhappy, made me feel better.  He caused all the trouble it is about time he suffered the consequences, instead of me.

[Infared]

GOOD FOR YOU! 

Sounds like you are coping better.  Having this encounter and honestly processing your feelings is GREAT! 

You also do not have to go through the antics that I can always count on when I have an encounter. Always. 

At least I get to play adult for the 3 year-olds. hee... hee.

One thing I do know... . he may have looked a certain way... . but you have NO IDEA what is going on in that head... . there is just no telling.

Have a great weekend and DO SOMETHING FUN!