Praying for my wife to realize she has BPD and Finding the right support group

[Soul searching]

I would like to start this off by saying that I thought my marriage was having some difficulties just because me and my wife were drifting apart. Last year this took a large shift and her attitude shifted dramatically. She almost ignored me altogether and when there was interaction she was very short and angry.  During this time she closely associated with one of our children and almost abandoned the other one. I attended personal counseling because I was having great difficulties dealing with her and her attitude.   Though the counseling I found great support and reassurance,  the more I went to counseling the clearer the thoughts were in my head. Me and my wife were basically on a emotional separation at this time.  I asked my wife to attend counseling with me and she refused time after time. The more I searched for answers the more I realized that I wasn't going crazy. By coincidence I happened upon a book titled "walking on egg shells" which started the realization that I was living in the shadow of a spouse with BPD.  The more I thought and read, the more it explained things that had happened through our long marriage.

Like I mentioned I had been seeing a personal counsellor and based on what I had passed on in previous sessions she was already thinking that my wife had BPD, and this was before I made the self realization after reading some of the book I mentioned earlier.  Now after reading "the essential family guide to BPD" I am fully convinced this is what's been happening with her and what has hampered our marriage. After a few months passing, I again asked if my wife would attend counseling with me, and to my relief she agreed. She has attended a few sessions now alone and we plan on bringing us together for counseling after a another session or so.  This counsellor is experienced with BPD and has had success with her patients.   What is wrong now is  I am having great difficulty dealing with the time necessary to have my wife realize she even has BPD.

I am tired of walking on eggshells and having everything being mine or someone else's fault and I am concerned about the effects of her BPD on our children.  I'm also tired of losing friends or being embarrassed in public because of her irrational behavior.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Perez]

Soul searching,

It is a difficult realization after many years in a marriage that your partner, has BPD, is mentally ill. I have a similar experience to you in that the emotional distancing took place before the understanding that we are not dealing with typical marriage issues, but with a disorder.  It is great to put a finger on the problem, but upon reflection it sets us up for long, hard  road if our intent is to keep the marriage together.

Please take advantage of the resources available on this site, I found the boundary tools particularly helpful for my situation.  I pray that your counseling goes well.

[Soul searching]

Perez- Thank you, I think I'm caught in self pity right now.   I'm not sure whether I have the tools to help make this situation better.  I'm finding it verily overwhelming not responding to the remarks, insults and embarrassing rants.  I think in the past few years she's only ever admitted she was wrong once, and that happened to be immediately following a counseling session just recently. 

Any suggestions on a book or something that helped you in your experiences?

[formflier]

Welcome to this site.  Very good of you to realize that you don't have the tools.  You don't!

But... the good news is that this site is a great place to get them.

Spend some time reading on this site.  Find people with stories like yours and learn from them.

The tools with come. 

Perez- Thank you, I think I'm caught in self pity right now.   I'm not sure whether I have the tools to help make this situation better.  I'm finding it verily overwhelming not responding to the remarks, insults and embarrassing rants.  I think in the past few years she's only ever admitted she was wrong once, and that happened to be immediately following a counseling session just recently. 

Any suggestions on a book or something that helped you in your experiences?

[Grey Kitty]

I'm glad your wife has agreed to counseling. Any willingness to think about her own issues will help her!

On one hand you are correct that she needs help.

On the other hand, you have very little (actually zero!) control over whether she gets help or not.

You will find that working on yourself and the tools you can use will help you immensely... . and that when you are stronger, you can support her in better ways as well.

[Ceruleanblue]

Soul Searching, I'm sort of where you are now, with a couple added bonus': My husband is constantly threatening divorce and giving me ultimatums. ":)o what I want you to, or I'll leave you". It's horrible.

Like you, I stumbled on the knowledge that my husband likely has BPD. I found the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" hidden away in his work backpack, and asked him, and he sort of said his therapist thinks I have it. I do not have BPD traits. HE however clearly does, and I also found printed off literature on BPD in one of his kids' rooms. Suspicious, to say the least. And he has all symptoms expect self harm... . he has hit himself before, but I really think it was from frustration, which is another issue. He is easily angered and easily frustrated at home. Over the top, and too quickly, and you can't reason with him.

Like you, I'm having trouble dealing with it without the proper tools, so I'm scrambling to learn. Scrambling to have some boundaries, which is hard because I'm scared, because he knocks my boundaries over with his threats. And so much I read seems I have to be so understanding of HIM, while I'm going to get so little back, and have to be always the one "putting up" with his tirades and verbal abuse, because he doesn't want to seek help.

At least your wife is open to going to counseling. My husband has been in "therapy"(cognitive behavior therapy) for three years, and we saw this same therapist for marriage therapy, and he's actually gotten worse. He doesn't follow any of her advice unless it suits him, and I think he leaves out the stuff that makes him look BPD. She says he isn't narcissistic, when he clearly IS, and she doesn't think he is depressed, when anger is a huge sign of depression in me, as well as weight gain, and sleep issues, and he has those too.

I'm at a loss right now about if leaving is better for me, or resigning myself to being his emotional punching bag until I can't take anymore... .

[formflier]

Soul Searching, I'm sort of where you are now, with a couple added bonus': My husband is constantly threatening divorce and giving me ultimatums. ":)o what I want you to, or I'll leave you". It's horrible.

Like you, I stumbled on the knowledge that my husband likely has BPD. I found the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" hidden away in his work backpack, and asked him, and he sort of said his therapist thinks I have it. I do not have BPD traits. HE however clearly does, and I also found printed off literature on BPD in one of his kids' rooms. Suspicious, to say the least. And he has all symptoms expect self harm... . he has hit himself before, but I really think it was from frustration, which is another issue. He is easily angered and easily frustrated at home. Over the top, and too quickly, and you can't reason with him.

Like you, I'm having trouble dealing with it without the proper tools, so I'm scrambling to learn. Scrambling to have some boundaries, which is hard because I'm scared, because he knocks my boundaries over with his threats. And so much I read seems I have to be so understanding of HIM, while I'm going to get so little back, and have to be always the one "putting up" with his tirades and verbal abuse, because he doesn't want to seek help.

At least your wife is open to going to counseling. My husband has been in "therapy"(cognitive behavior therapy) for three years, and we saw this same therapist for marriage therapy, and he's actually gotten worse. He doesn't follow any of her advice unless it suits him, and I think he leaves out the stuff that makes him look BPD. She says he isn't narcissistic, when he clearly IS, and she doesn't think he is depressed, when anger is a huge sign of depression in me, as well as weight gain, and sleep issues, and he has those too.

I'm at a loss right now about if leaving is better for me, or resigning myself to being his emotional punching bag until I can't take anymore... .

Ceruleanblue,

Hang in there. 

It's good you have started to read books on this.  Please keep it up.  It will make things better... . at least for you... because knowing the strategies delivers power back to you.  You have the power to change you.  I remember being skeptical if this would work... . but it did.  My wife had an extinction burst that was very disturbing to me.  However... . this site and the books explained that it may happen... . and it did.  And by sticking to my limits... . it worked out and she now claims she doesn't care about passwords and all that.

There are tools on this site to help you evaluate where are at.  I recommend taking some time for personal inventory.

Then I recommend taking some time to figure out limits (not rules) which if he still breaks... . you will leave.  Please don't wait until you decide you can't take it any more.

Are there kids involved?

[Fanie]

Welcome Buddy

You are with the right family here

There is a wealth of info right in front of you

Stay with us - read and learn

We are here for you too

[Soul searching]

I thank everyone for the support and encouragement.  Where are the tools and references I'm hearing about located.

I have also been looking for a referral to a good follow up to the book to the "essential family guide to borderline personality disorder".  I'd appreciate any feedback. 

Thank you.

[Fanie]

Hi

Go to "boards"

Choose either "staying", "undecided"

Choose "lessons"

You can also search for specifics

Keep in touch !

[Fanie]

Hi Soulsearching

You are at the right place here.

There is a wealth of information here

Great family to be with

We are all in the same boat

don't stop praying

God will be your light !

[Grey Kitty]

There is a link to the lessons in the sidebar ----->> >>

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

There is a LOT to read; I gobbled most all of it up when I first showed up in a few days.

[Spacedog]

I have prayed more than I ever have in my entire life since meeting my pwBPD... . prayed for her to realize she needs professional help, prayed for God to take away my anger, hurt, and resentment and clear my perception so that I can see the soul behind the cruel and bat___ crazy behavior... . prayed for the strength to love instead of retaliate and hurt her the way she has hurt me.

[Fanie]

Spacedog

SoulSearching

Please stay with us

Please read daily

Please post daily

Please not leave us

Please don't stop praying

We are all rowing the same boat !

 

[Soul searching]

When I didn't  know she had BPD and I thought it was just our marriage and relationship I fought for us and remained patient and positive.   Now I am finding it almost impossible to deal with, I have been set aback with the realization that things will probably never be normal again.   

I've realized it's a very long road ahead, maybe a never ending road and I'm wallowing in self pitty and a depressed psyche right now.  I'm trying to be patient and understanding but really how much patience can one person have.  I worry each day if this will be the day I step on that next land mine that enrages my pwBPD. 

I need support but I'm nervous to whom I can share all of this with.   My pwBPD has burned most of the bridges with friends, and I've been cautious not to really share this info with family as it's got such a stigma.   So I'm turning to the group of people that understand where I may be for support and wisdom.

Where can I go and what can I do for help.

[Fanie]

In my opinion we need to learn about BPD first

before doing anything else, and specifically doing the wrong things

I have been here for the past few months and still have tons of questions ... .

its some nasty thing this BPD, and what makes it worse is that each individual

has it somewhat different from another

Reading does help me to get to know what I have to deal with, for example; not

to sacrifice my life for her

Workshops has a wealth of info, go there:

bpdfamily.com > The Learning Center > Workshops

It takes time ... . don't be in a hurry ... . get the info ... .

May God Bless

[formflier]

When I didn't  know she had BPD and I thought it was just our marriage and relationship I fought for us and remained patient and positive.   Now I am finding it almost impossible to deal with, I have been set aback with the realization that things will probably never be normal again.   

I've realized it's a very long road ahead, maybe a never ending road and I'm wallowing in self pitty and a depressed psyche right now.  I'm trying to be patient and understanding but really how much patience can one person have.  I worry each day if this will be the day I step on that next land mine that enrages my pwBPD. 

I need support but I'm nervous to whom I can share all of this with.   My pwBPD has burned most of the bridges with friends, and I've been cautious not to really share this info with family as it's got such a stigma.   So I'm turning to the group of people that understand where I may be for support and wisdom.

Where can I go and what can I do for help.

Let's find you some people to support you in real life as well as on this board.  Let's also not be in a hurry.

Please think about friends, pastors, mentors... . etc etc... . and come up with one or two people that you can describe to us... . we can help you figure out if they would be a help.

Personality Disorder:  One concept to wrap your head around is that there is actually "order" in there.  Things do  operate by a set of rules that generally work the same way.  The hard thing for us to accept is that those "rules' are radically different from ours.

I think that instead of figuring out exactly what to do... . you try to focus on the principles of how to "deal with" a pwBPD.  Can you do some reading and then post some of your impressions or "rules".  Such as... . "don't try to use logic on them"

Last... . have you ever done individual therapy?  Do you have a T now?