WWPOBPDCD? What would parent of BPD child do?

[mama72]

BPDdd, asked for wifi back Friday, had some assignment to turn in and wanted to watch some Netfilx this summer. Said ok (this was after another exhausting confrontation), she had been without it in our home for about 2 months. Long story, short…she was on some shady sites. Tumblr being the worst, that we know of. I hate that bog site, just trash. Triggers for suicide, self-harm, drug use, ect and my daughter loved all of those post. When she asked for wifi back, she said, "I am not doing Tumblr anymore, anyway".

Anywho…guess who opened a Tumblr account today? 4 days after ensuring me she would not be on that site! I hate that poisonous site, don't want it accessed in my house and she knows it. She had posted tons of drug usage, suicide, sex, self-harm, depression, ect on her last account.

She does not realize it take me about 5 seconds online to find her. It is so laughable that she has her new page as her being 19 and living in Seattle. She is 17 and we live in Midwest. I can tell it is her because she is retagging all of her gf's post. I have to laugh a bit at how sneaky she thinks she is being!

In the past, confronting her with her lies, seems to be a trigger for her. Even when I handle it calmly, with empty, understanding and forgiveness.

I feel like our house boundaries have been crossed. Should/How I confront her? Should I just change the wifi again and when she asks, just calmly say, "Oh, since you opened a new Tumblr account, you don't get the wifi back". I should take that damn laptop too that she talked us into getting her for school (which will be out) and debate (that she quit because she was doing drugs).

Sorry, this turned into a longer post than what I wanted.

Please, any advice would be welcome. I value the opinions here so much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear mama

I have had my share with these online sites and have spent a lot time taking away phone and laptop etc. we are now at the point where she is allowed to have a twitter account only and I am her friend and see all her posts. If she posts something questionable I tell her to take it down.  If she doesn't then she loses Internet access. This usually goes well but at times it has been a huge trigger.

I would shut off the wifi for a given amount of time but not long. A week at the most then state the boundary again to her and remind her when the week is up. The hard part is doing all this and remain calm. Use SET when talking to her and walk away if she starts to get too emotional.

If your dd never gets the chance to use social media then she doesn't get to learn some valuable lessons. I would avoid making the punishment harsh.

[mama72]

If your dd never gets the chance to use social media then she doesn't get to learn some valuable lessons. I would avoid making the punishment harsh.

What are some of the valuable lessons that you think she is missing out learning? Not sure I understand what you are saying?

Any punishment I give will be viewed as harsh. I want to take laptop away for the summer.

I gave her a chance to make the right choice, she decided what she wanted to do was more important that rebuilding the zero trust I have in her. She cannot work on in because it doesn't mean a damn thing to her. She hates me, why would you work to get the trust of someone you hate?

[tristesse]

Hi Mama72,

I want to reassure that your BPDdd does not hate you, more than likely she is hating herself and projecting that onto you, a very common thing with BPD. I agree with jellibeans about not making the discipline last overly long, it become very in-effective when we do that. If she loses the WI-FI for a week and gets it back, and you are monitoring her use, and the same thing happens again, then you punish again. Maybe extend the discipline by a day or two, just let her know that each time she messes up, the punishment will grow in length of time, if she reaches a certain time, like say 14 consecutive days, she loses it indefinitely. There are plenty of sites available to poison her mind, and influences almost everywhere. You can only do your best, but my experience has proven to me that if they want access something, they will find a way. Hang in there.

[mama72]

I do understand about having a not too long discipline time, but this has happened over and over where she abuses her privileges. One reason I don't want her on that site, is that I do not want to monitor her. I don't need the stress and I don't want to take the time policing it.  I am so much more at ease when I know she is not on that site, or at least, we are not contributing to her being on it by not providing the wifi. Truth is, she will be on whatever site she wants on her phone, her dad pays for that, but I have a hard time providing her the access to them via our wifi. It is not only the trash her mind is exposed to on this site, but the betrayal, again. That is what stings.

[jellibeans]

Dear mama

It really comes down to what you want to do. If you feel very strongly about this tumblr site then by all mean turn the wifi off. I have come to feel at times I am damned if I do and damned if I don't so do what you feel is best.

For me it came down to picking my battles and trying to reduce the conflict in my home. My dd is very impulsive and unfortunately I do have to monitor her to some degree in all things that she does. That is not going to change drastically. It is something she is going to have to work on and by giving her the opportunties to do so than she is able to learn to control herself. My dd has repeated many of her destructive behaviors over and over again but the older she gets the better she gets. I think it is important not see her as only capable of one ceratin thing... . she needs to be given the opportunity to try new things and succeed. She won't always succeed but eventually she will. I try to stay positive and above all hopeful.

I feel that there are some things that have helped me come to this stage in our relationship

1) I am less judgemental... . This is in relation to many things... . like what she wears... I let the school do the dress coding... . I no longer fight that battle. She has to endure the schools punishment for dressing inappropriately.

2) I do not take her steps backwards personally or even her unkind words to me.

3) I am trying to let my dd have the freedom to fail and to learn from her mistakes. It is hard to watch at times but very necessary. Giving her the chance to do things with restrictions is better than not allowing it at all. I guess it really comes down to finding a compromise and attacking the problem together. She recently wanted to go camping... I thought about it and said she could go if she had her older sister with her. She didn't really like this idea much which tells you her camping plan what probably more of a party plan so she didn't go. So often with my dd she makes all kind of plans and never follows through.

4) I really have stepped back from long punishments... . sometimes taking her phone for a few hours is all that is needed. Not letting my anger over the situation cloud my judgement. Taking the time to think... . delay answering when things are emotional.

5) Trust... . my dd has done many things in her lifetime to make me mistrust her... . when she is caught in a lie or has done something than I reduce her freedoms until I feel she is able to respect the rules of this house and is going to make better choices.

Mama... . she is going to make mistakes with her internet access... . accept that and move on... . don't get stuck in that moment. Don't let your frustration get the best of you. Your dd will do better when she knows better. Believe.

[pessim-optimist]

Dear mama,

I do not have a teenager, so I don't know the details, but I have seen some commercials on parental controls and even GPS tracking for kids' phones. Computers should be easier. It might be a good idea to invest some time and money to get some of those controls.

That way, you could keep your dd safe(er), and still allow her to explore and, like jellibeans said, occasionally fail and learn to improve her behavior (earn privileges back).

For the time being, if you feel strong about it, you can turn off the wifi... .

[mama72]

I decided to text my daughter about finding her new blog. Sometimes we communicate better that way, and I did not want to take her off guard, causing conflict when she returns home this weekend.

This is how our exchange went:

Me: I feel disheartened that you crated a new Tumblr account. It could have been discussed.

DD: You can check it all you want but I want to keep it.

Me: What you want and what you have earned are two different things.

DD: I won't get on it on your wifi. I'm 17, old enough to choose what social platform I want to use. I haven't posted anything bad on this blog, so it would make sense if I had.

Me: Being sneaky/deceptive add to the lack on trust.

DD: You said you wouldn't trust me for the next year anyway  (I never said this!)

Me: So can we anticipate more sneaky behavior?

DD: No, but you can anticipate me not being too upset when you say you don't trust me

Me: I wasn't inquiring about whether or not you were upset about the consequences of your actions. I am sure it does not feel goo not to be trusted.

DD: I haven't felt good for a while in that case.

Me: It has not felt good not being able to trust you either. You are the one making the choice to continue the behavior.

DD: I you want to feel better, lay off me a little. Do you follow my every move? It's not hurting anyone, it's not illegal. It's not doing any harm. Just lay off it.

Me: It's not about the blog. It is about the deception.

DD: I'm not hurting anyone except our relationship, which sucks anyway.

Me: So, you are admitting that your actions have hurt our relationship, even if it sucks?

DD: I'm just going off of what you said. But it doesn't matter a whole bunch to me anymore. I've been through enough with it. So as a self defense mechanism, I've moved on.

Me: So, as a defense mechanism, you will continue to be dishonest? Dishonesty hasn't really worked in the past for you, and not just with me.

DD: I won't continue to be dishonest, but I won't beat myself up if you keep on telling me you don't trust me, like I used to. I am going to legally be an adult soon, so I can make my OWN DECISIONS about social media. So stop treating me like a child.

Me: Trust supersedes age. So LEGALLY you are still a child and cannot make your own decisions about social media? The is more to being an adult that just joining blogs. Being an adult is not determined by age, but by maturity and wise decisions.

DD: That is not the point I was trying to make. The point is I'm going to be out of the house in less than a year, and so if you really want to spend the last year squabbling about blogs, fine. Or you could just realize I'm old enough to make at least some of my own decisions and get over it.

Me: Once again, it is not about the blog. It is about the deception and disobedience. Not sure why you cannot grasp this?

DD: I get what you are saying. And I'm sorry for the deception.

Me: Thank you for the apology and it is accepted. Have a good night and good luck on your final exams this week.

DD: Thanks, studying now!

How do you guys think I handled that? Anything I could have changed or can improve on?

My DH and I are still going to take away the wifi. We feel there still needs to be consequences and DH is a bit frustrated that DD was so sneaky and has this "I'll do what I want" attitude. I asked DH that if she comes to me for wifi password or is wondering why she cannot connect, that I will just have her talk to him about it. That way, we will not have to have the confrontation and she does not attack him, like she does me. May be a more peaceful route to take for all of us. Not sure how long we will take away wifi. She is really lucky she does not get her computer taken away!

I very much appreciate any input from members here! I know it is not a earth shattering situation, but using these skills on the smaller issues, is good practice for the bigger issues.

Thanks to all!   

[jellibeans]

Dear mama

I think you stated your point very clearly and got an apology from your dd which I think is good. I have to be very honest with you and I do think it is a big mistake to take away her wifi. I see you in this huge power struggle with your dd. You need to ask yourself if it is worth it? You are look at this very black and white right now... . you are holding on to the hurt of her going behind your back and setting up this new account. Let it go.

Your dd made some very good points but I am not sure you heard her at all. She will be adult soon enough and she needs to be given the opportuntiy to fail while she is still in your home and you can help her. What are you afraid of here when it comes to the wifi? Is it more important to you to be right? or do you want a relationship with your dd?

Do you want to reduce the conflict in your home? You say it is not about the blog but about the deception... . then why are you taking the wifi away? Is it because she lied? well you already took it away so she really had no other choice... . your dd rightfully so feels she can't do anything and that kind of restrictive conditions only makes for defiance and conflict.

What harm is your dd doing by being on this blog?

Why do you feel the need to control her to this degree?

Mama... . I feel that your relationship with your dd could be better if you gave up the need to control evey aspect of your dd life. End the power struggles and you will have a happier home.

Is it Worth Giving Up the Anger & Blame to Give Your Child a Better Chance for Happiness & Success in Life?


You have the power to influence your child’s well-being either positively or negatively. In fact, the only individuals who have this power are the same individuals that feel the anger and the blame. Either singularly or together, you can make a commitment to alter the amount of conflict in your child’s life. No one can do it for you. No one can make you. You have to individually decide if you want to alter the pattern of tension and hostility that surrounds your child and interferes with his or her happiness.

The flaw with this thinking is that when the other person suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, they often don’t know how to solve these things on their own. So this way of thinking leaves us right back to where we started. It’s like the old saying, “insanity is when you keep doing the same thing but expect a different result”.

The only way you’ll get something better for your child is if you do something different.

Mama... . take the time to read the resouces here and open your mind and your heart to change. Change is hard and not always easy... . when dealing with aperson with BPD the sooner your realize that you are the one that needs to change as well the sooner you will see less conflict and a happier child.

[jellibeans]

Mama... . here is another good workshop to check out

How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

Empathy is one of the main components of emotional intelligence.   Empathy is often confused with sympathy - but empathy it is distinctly different.  Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You effectively place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Seeing things from another person's perspective isn't simply understanding their point of view -- it extends to understanding, without disclaimers, why they feel their point of view is just and appropriate and honest.  Empathic people are skilled in placing themselves inside the shoes of others and seeing the world through another person’s perspective.

The problem most of us face with empathy isn’t the failure of understanding the importance of empathy  - it is a lack of knowing how - and a lack of discipline to see it through when it matters most.

To get us started, I'v listed some things we often need to do to effectively place ourselves inside the shoes of another and see the world through their perspective.

Set Aside Personal Beliefs, Concerns and Agenda - Just for now, at least. Go into the conversation empty handed—with no personal expectations or goal of fixing anyone.  Be willing to have your mind and perspective changed. Your only agenda is listening and trying to understand the other’s point of view.

Remove Ourselves / Gain Perspective - When you take things personally, you cannot separate yourself enough to feel the other person’s pain. Detach enough so that you are not in a emotionally heightened state— do not allowing the other person’s behavior to upset you or trigger you.

Be Present/ Be an Active Listener - Listen to the person in the moment, truly utilizing the skills of actively listening.  Don't jump ahead, re-frame what they are saying and compare it to a personal experience you had, don't rush to project ahead, or to frame a response.  When we do this we completely lose sight of the reason of our conversation in the first place, sharing information as a means to build, maintain and sustain the relationship.

Getting Beyond the Facts / Relate - When the other person begins to share, focus on their feelings.  Think of situations that you’ve experienced in the past that are similar.  Just think about this - connect with it - don't share it.  This will deepen your emotional insight into the other person’s plight.

Talk to the Person's Inner-Child - When we visualize our child as their vulnerable inner-child we can lower and lessen our defenses, that will then allow us to want to preserve the relationship and communicate in an effective way.

See Empathy as a Lifestyle, Not an Event -  Make an effort to heal the past hurts, to remember to accentuate the positive, and to nurture the relationship on a daily basis.  Most importantly, be mindful that when we are angry we can do a lot of damage and set things way back.

How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

[mama72]

jellibeans-Thank you for your advice and resources. I have already read many of them, but will take another look.

You are right with so many of your comments, I know. But, (there's always a but  ) is there to be no natural consequence to a behavior? It seems like not having wifi for an amount of time, would make sense? I didn't say she had to delete the account, she has made it clear that she will have one. Isn't lying to me crossing my boundaries?

What harm is your dd doing by being on this blog?

The blog has an enormous amount of triggers and pornography. My DD's poor self-identity seems to make her susceptible to the kinds of image. On her last blog there was some repulsive images. It glorifies suicidal thoughts, self-harm, drugs, sex, as I have said. I guess I do not feel comfortable providing her the ability (wifi) to see this smut. It feels irresponsible as a parent. I am not sure if you are familiar with Tumblr? Give it a look and you may see what I am talking about.

Why do you feel the need to control her to this degree?

It is not so much about control, in my opinion. It isn't even so much about the blog. It is about the continued sneaky/deceptive behavior that I am frustrated with. I want our relationship to improve and have done much in the last few weeks to do so, and this is what I get? She takes, takes, and takes, but if this relationship is going to improve, does it not take two? Or am I under the delusion that that is even a possibility if I have any expectations from her? Do I turn my head when lied to?

You have the power to influence your child’s well-being either positively or negatively. In fact, the only individuals who have this power are the same individuals that feel the anger and the blame. Either singularly or together, you can make a commitment to alter the amount of conflict in your child’s life. No one can do it for you. No one can make you. You have to individually decide if you want to alter the pattern of tension and hostility that surrounds your child and interferes with his or her happiness.

The flaw with this thinking is that when the other person suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, they often don’t know how to solve these things on their own. So this way of thinking leaves us right back to where we started. It’s like the old saying, “insanity is when you keep doing the same thing but expect a different result”.

The only way you’ll get something better for your child is if you do something different.

Mama... . take the time to read the resouces here and open your mind and your heart to change. Change is hard and not always easy... . when dealing with aperson with BPD the sooner your realize that you are the one that needs to change as well the sooner you will see less conflict and a happier child.

You are right, I do not want to fall into old habits and continue the insanity. Change is difficult, and I am not sure I have the capability to continue to be lied to.  I do want my daughter to be happy, but I also want her to be a truthful, respectful, and kind person. Happiness is fleeting and what makes her happy, can be damaging to her. But, I guess that is up to her, right? At 17, if I haven't' instilled these values, perhaps it is too late and I should just accept that I have done my best.

jellibeans, I so respect your input and need to hear what you have to say, even if it stings. You know how much honestly means to me, and I am grateful that you are being honest with me. The sign of of true friend is not filling the other with bs, but with the truth of opinion. Feeling very blessed to have you in my life!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kelc323]

Mama72, I've been reading your thread with much interest. My daughter is older now, but I understand the struggles you are having regarding house rules, trust and negative internet smut. I'm thankful that social media was not even on the internet when my BPDd27 was a teenager. I can only imagine the added pressure we would have endured and the frustration we would have felt knowing she could seek out all kinds of negative BS on the internet. We do, however, have a ds17 who we have raised in the internet age and it's probably been one of our biggest challenges. By their very nature, teens tend to seek out the very thing that will cause their parent's hair to curl. It doesn't mean they hate us. It just means they hate our rules. Pretty typical for both non- and BPD-teens. They desire control. It's our job to define the delicate balance between having control and gaining control through respect. It's a tough balance and each child and family is different.

Maybe it's because of the lessons I learned with my daughter, but my husband and I have managed our ds17's internet access much differently. The biggest hurdle for us was accepting that we had very little control over his access to the internet. If he couldn't view it at our house, he would view it on a friend's smartphone or their house. For a long time, we closely monitored his internet activity and had parental controls on the internet. This started in junior high. The point at that time was to teach him our family values and they were to be respected. Period. As he got older, I decreased the level of control and then monitored his activity. If there were questionable sites, I would use it as an opportunity to let him know that I knew what he was accessing and talk about his motivation, what his attraction was, how that impacted our values and his. What were his values? Again, lots of discussion. Now that he's 17, I'm completely hands off. Over time, I've noticed the less plugged in I was, the less interesting certain sites became. Eventually, he's matured and is handling his activity much better. We did have a few zero tolerance rules, though and a lot of this had to do with his postings, whether it be content, language, or anything that could be interpreted as bullying. When he was younger, I would demand that certain posts be removed. (It didn't happen a lot.) Now, if I see something questionable, I remind him of the possible real-world consequences and let him choose what to do. Because, ultimately he is headed (or is it stumbling? )toward adulthood.

The blog has an enormous amount of triggers and pornography. My DD's poor self-identity seems to make her susceptible to the kinds of image. On her last blog there was some repulsive images. It glorifies suicidal thoughts, self-harm, drugs, sex, as I have said. I guess I do not feel comfortable providing her the ability (wifi) to see this smut. It feels irresponsible as a parent.

From my perspective, it appears the issue with your daughter is somewhat different, because there is also a level of fear involved. My heart goes out to you in this regard. It's scary watching our children venture into the darkness -- in this case the internet. Also, since this is a direct violation of your values, it may feel a little like implied consent, maybe? If she were to act on the impulses she is reading about, would this be because you allowed her access to it? No. If she has those impulses, she will nurture those with or without the internet. The key to managing any child, especially a child with BPD, is to pick your battles, reduce conflict and provide validation as jellibeans so wisely suggested. It's ok to personally hate this site, but it's also ok to acknowledge that it's important to your daughter.

If I may offer my two cents, I would advise a compromise. You stated:

Me: It's not about the blog. It is about the deception

Personally, I believe it's both. The blog AND the deception. Your daughter knows this. I think having an honest conversation about your fears may offer an opportunity for her to see how much you love her. In other words, focus less on the rules and more on the heart.

Since she was dishonest, it is important to have a consequence, but as others have suggested I would make it small and manageable. If it were me, I would use this as an opportunity to use SET skills. Maybe something like this... . "I thought a lot about our conversation, today, and I hear you saying that this blog is important to you. I also hear that you believe our relationship sucks, because I don't trust you. I want our relationship to improve and it makes me sad that it's not better right now. With that said, trust is very important to me and the fact you opened an account after promising not to do so, was hurtful. However, I recognize that you're 17 and will access this blog anyway. In the spirit of compromise, I will allow you access to whatever site you want for a period of two hours (or whatever you feel is appropriate) using our wifi. I won't judge your use of the site, but I would like to understand more about why you like it. I also want you to know how much I love you and how much your fascination with this stuff scares me."

I hope you don't mind my input, mama72. I also hope I haven't misunderstood your points/concerns. Raising a teenager with BPD is so scary and the hardest job in the world. I have found a lot of the challenge is to accept and acknowledge what little control I have and to focus more on the power that I have through love, empathy and influence. Basically, you gain control by giving it up. My BPDd27's life is not the prettiest right now, but that is due to other influences that are beyond my control. Our relationship, aside from just recently, is actually better and there is less chaos within our home. Most of the chaos is now within her own home. It makes me very sad.  :'(

I hope this makes sense. I wish you the very best. You're daughter sounds like a very smart girl. You've done a good job. She obviously loves you, because she clearly stated her case and didn't attack you personally. That's a step in the right direction, IMHO. 

[jellibeans]

Dear mama

I have thought long and hard today about your situation. Reading your post remind me of myself a year or so ago. My focus was on control... . I wanted control because of my fears for my dd and my worry. I had to really come to terms with that and acknowledge my part in the conflict. I wish I could write like Kelc323... . she seems to be able to put into words how I feel so easily. I do not want to be hard on you and you really are the one that has to live with your decisions and the impact that has on your relationship with your dd. BUT... . There are a lot of things at play here... . you mention boundaries... . honesty is important to me and my family and there are consequences for lying. BUT did your dd have any real choice? I really think she was in a lose lose senerio from the beginning. You were going to take the wifi one way or another. Your past experience with this site has dictated how you will resond going forward leaving no opportunity for your dd to grow and learn.

I have tumblr account myself... . I really don't spend time there much at all. My opinion is that it is a great place for a creative person like your dd. She could find the same blogs on the internet without tumulr... . she is the one looking for sites on suicide. Rather than focus on this site I would focus more on why she is attracted to this topic? It is not the site that is driving her to suicide... . it is her life and how she feels. My focus would be on how to improve her life... . reduce conflict as much as possible... . and build a better relationship with your dd so that when she turns 18 she doesn't walk out the door and close it for good behind her.

If my dd posts something on twitter that is distasteful... . we have a rule that she is to take it down when asked... . if she doesn't then there are consequences and she loses phone or wifi etc... . I have to monitor my dd... . she is very impulsive and is still learning to control them. Won't it be easier to simply make a rule similar to this?

You feel you have done all the changing... . how would the conversation have gone before your changes? When we let our emotions rule then we are really no better than our BPD daughters... . You are the well one in this relationship... . you have the power to change only yourself... . work on that aspect and you will see change in your dd.



What did you miss in the conversation with your dd?

Me: I feel disheartened that you crated a new Tumblr account. It could have been discussed. Really? Then why wasn't it discussed before?

DD: You can check it all you want but I want to keep it. (excellent time to discuss rules regarding tumulr account ... . missed)

Me: What you want and what you have earned are two different things. ( has she been given the opportunity to earn this?)

DD: I won't get on it on your wifi. I'm 17, old enough to choose what social platform I want to use. I haven't posted anything bad on this blog, so it would make sense if I had. ( Is this an opportunity to say you can keep the account as long as you not post pornography and suicidal ideas)

Me: Being sneaky/deceptive add to the lack on trust. (what is driving this? Fear?)

DD: You said you wouldn't trust me for the next year anyway  (I never said this!)

Me: So can we anticipate more sneaky behavior?

DD: No, but you can anticipate me not being too upset when you say you don't trust me ( this is very telling for me... . she feels there is nothing she can do right... . you are going to be disappointed in her no matter what she does so there is no sense in trying)

Me: I wasn't inquiring about whether or not you were upset about the consequences of your actions. I am sure it does not feel goo not to be trusted. ( again very judgemental and 3rd time you have mentioned this)

DD: I haven't felt good for a while in that case. ( I think this would have been a good opportunity to validate her feelings and ask further what she is struggling with)

Me: It has not felt good not being able to trust you either. You are the one making the choice to continue the behavior. (Instead your focus seems to come back to how you feel and how you were hurt)

DD: I you want to feel better, lay off me a little. Do you follow my every move? It's not hurting anyone, it's not illegal. It's not doing any harm. Just lay off it. (did you hear this)

Me: It's not about the blog. It is about the deception. ( like a dog with a bone you are determined to hammer your point... . it is not solving the problem at hand but it is helping you feel heard and helping heal your hurt)

DD: I'm not hurting anyone except our relationship, which sucks anyway.

Me: So, you are admitting that your actions have hurt our relationship, even if it sucks? ( again forcing the point... . you are right... . she is wrong)

DD: I'm just going off of what you said. But it doesn't matter a whole bunch to me anymore. I've been through enough with it. So as a self defense mechanism, I've moved on. (She is finding a way to cope)

Me: So, as a defense mechanism, you will continue to be dishonest? Dishonesty hasn't really worked in the past for you, and not just with me. (and again)

DD: I won't continue to be dishonest, but I won't beat myself up if you keep on telling me you don't trust me, like I used to. I am going to legally be an adult soon, so I can make my OWN DECISIONS about social media. So stop treating me like a child. She is telling you she feels beat up by you)

Me: Trust supersedes age. So LEGALLY you are still a child and cannot make your own decisions about social media? The is more to being an adult that just joining blogs. Being an adult is not determined by age, but by maturity and wise decisions.

DD: That is not the point I was trying to make. The point is I'm going to be out of the house in less than a year, and so if you really want to spend the last year squabbling about blogs, fine. Or you could just realize I'm old enough to make at least some of my own decisions and get over it. ( your dd makes a very good point here. Do you want to spent the next year arguing about this?)

Me: Once again, it is not about the blog. It is about the deception and disobedience. Not sure why you cannot grasp this? And once again you make your point

DD: I get what you are saying. And I'm sorry for the deception.(huge to say she is sorry... . My dd would rarely acknowledge fault with herself. Did you get what you wanted? Did you solve the problem at hand. How much did this interaction hurt your relationship going forward?)

Me: Thank you for the apology and it is accepted. Have a good night and good luck on your final exams this week. (If this is how you ended it... . it should end right like this without further punishment... . are you holding on to hurts?)

DD: Thanks, studying now!

When you go back and look at your conversation what do you think? Do you think you missed an opportunity to resolve a problem? When you go back and read this conversation do you see room for improvement? It really is this simple... . repeating old patterns of behavior is only going to get the same response. It starts with you Mama... .

I know it is hard for change to take place and it can be a painful process. Focusing on who is right ... . who is wrong if not helping. Empathy... . validation... . SET Acceptance... . these are tools to incorporate into every conversation you have with her. I know I am hard on you mama... . I don't mean to be but I see room for change and improvement... . I know things can be better for you both... . and I know you want that too.

ADOPT A PROBLEM-SOLVING MODEL

1   Define the problem so that everyone agrees with the definition

2   Begin the problem solving discussion with something positive

3   Be specific/focused

4   Express your feelings

5   Identify your role in the problem

6   Deal with only one problem at a time

7   Summarize what the other person is saying (empathy)

   

Please remember to interpret things in the most benign way possible; to accept that there is no one or only absolute truth; recognize that everyone is doing the best they can in this moment; and to ask everyone to try harder.

[mama72]

kelc323-I have been following your posts, as well. I am so impressed by how you have handled your situation. It is encouraging to know that you too, were in a similar situation, and have learned from trial and error. It gives me hope. I am sorry for your recent struggles, you are very strong for holding your ground.

I will definitely use your suggestion in my dialog with my dd. I appreciate your input. Keep it coming, I need it! I have a few days to think about how to better handle our communication when she is home. I pray that this will be a summer where we may be able to rebuild our relationship.

jellibeans-Hearing that you were similar to me in your reactions, just a year ago, give me hope, as well. I do like to be in control and am a "fixer". As you broke down my conversation with my daughter, I could see where some of my responses could have been much better and I did miss an opportunity. Thank you for taking the time to do so. You have told me what I needed to hear. Compared to our exchanges in the past, this was an improvement! But, room for much more.

There is no doubt that we are both holding onto past hurts. It is nonproductive, I know, but with many hurts, it is hard to forget and I continue to brace for the next blow.

I think we will still follow through with the no wifi, but for only 2 weeks.

Thank God for this site. I am learning so much to achieve a better relationship with my dd, this is what I want more than anything. I need to remember that I want it more that being right and having my truth be absolute.

[PaulaJeanne]

Hi mama72,

You've gotten some wonderful feedback here. In many ways you remind me of my dh--he loves our daughter wBPD so much, he is scared of losing her & it's so important to him that she hears what he's saying. I read somewhere, and I remind him of this whenever his fear overtakes him... . "Would you rather be right or be effective?"

Best to you all.

[Being Mindful]

Hi Mama,

Just want to say that you have received some excellent responses here and like jellibeans, I was in the same place a few years ago. One thing for sure, the change had to start with me. I had to look hard at what I was doing and really evaluate myself on where I was contributing to the problems. My DD is now 21 and our relationship is very good. Sometimes it slides backwards but overall I am so proud of both of us.

I'm also very impressed with your willingness to hear the input from others. This alone will help you to grow and change.

Take care.

Being Mindful