The Condescending Ego...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm curious to know if any of you guys have experienced the 'Shouting down' from your pwBPD?

It happened to me alot, I may disagree with something or ask not to be spoken to in a certain way and I could be as polite and reasonable as you could imagine but I would immediately be accused of 'taking a bad tone' or 'turning into an a*se hole' - It was like a script, any time I would put up a barrier to her bad attitude, she would immediately reply with either of those.

If I pushed it further and argued back (most of the time I would just keep quiet but on a few occassions I was so annoyed), I would say 'I'm not taking a bad tone, I'm just asking you not to speak to me like that, I wasn't being rude to you, I was just giving my opinion'.

EVERY TIME this would then cause her to go into one of her condescending rages, telling me how I was a coward, that I was trying to start an argument when she had tried to leave it, that I didn't have the right to speak, that nobody cared what I had to say, that my thoughts and how I felt werent important, and why don't I just shut up because she's not listening.

She would just shout over me constantly when I was making a valid point, as if she couldn't allow herself to hear what I Had to say, she belittled me to the point that it made me soo angry - She would often stand in my home telling me how my opinion was insignificant and I didn't have the right to speak.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this kinda of condescending shouting?

I found it so tough to deal with this behaviour constructively, ultimately me arguing back and deciding to shout as well has meant I am now blacker than black and told never to contact her again and stay out of her life.

[GlitterBug]

I'm curious to know if any of you guys have experienced the 'Shouting down' from your pwBPD?

It happened to me alot, I may disagree with something or ask not to be spoken to in a certain way and I could be as polite and reasonable as you could imagine but I would immediately be accused of 'taking a bad tone' or 'turning into an a*se hole' - It was like a script, any time I would put up a barrier to her bad attitude, she would immediately reply with either of those.

If I pushed it further and argued back (most of the time I would just keep quiet but on a few occassions I was so annoyed), I would say 'I'm not taking a bad tone, I'm just asking you not to speak to me like that, I wasn't being rude to you, I was just giving my opinion'.

EVERY TIME this would then cause her to go into one of her condescending rages, telling me how I was a coward, that I was trying to start an argument when she had tried to leave it, that I didn't have the right to speak, that nobody cared what I had to say, that my thoughts and how I felt werent important, and why don't I just shut up because she's not listening.

She would just shout over me constantly when I was making a valid point, as if she couldn't allow herself to hear what I Had to say, she belittled me to the point that it made me soo angry - She would often stand in my home telling me how my opinion was insignificant and I didn't have the right to speak.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this kinda of condescending shouting?

I found it so tough to deal with this behaviour constructively, ultimately me arguing back and deciding to shout as well has meant I am now blacker than black and told never to contact her again and stay out of her life.

[LettingGo14]

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this kinda of condescending shouting?

I found it so tough to deal with this behaviour constructively, ultimately me arguing back and deciding to shout as well has meant I am now blacker than black and told never to contact her again and stay out of her life.

It's definitely hard for my brain to process some of the things my ex-girlfriend said, and sometimes shouted, at me.   It's made even harder by the fact that things she said were made so personal.   She knew me as well as anyone, and she knew which buttons to push.

We are often left with so much hurt, that we want to understand the other person's behavior and motivations, in order to "make sense" of it all.   I find this difficult too, because I have not found a "makes sense" answer.   All I can do is accept that I could not help, or fix, or transform my ex-girlfriend.   

I can only focus on my own emotions.  And, here, I can only change how I relate to my emotions.   If my head engages in an imagined "debate" with my ex-girlfriend, I suffer, because I can't win.   However, if my head wraps itself around the idea that I can re-frame and relate to my own emotions, then I can find relief.   

Does that make sense?

[Ihope2]

I was subjected to a lot of BPD diatribes, that endless monologue from the BPD partner, that endless rambling on and on, but the tone was always one of that I had done something wrong, or that I had failed to do something, that I probably am thinking X, Y or Z (all bad stuff) about him.

It was like he was trying to reconstruct reality via talking about it and giving his version of it, but then this reality would be the gospel truth and no other explanation would be considered.

Most of the time I listened and held my tongue and did not challenge too much.  Or I would say defusing things like "I am sorry that you think that / seem to be disappointed / feel that way... . ".  But if I dared counter back in an adult, calm way, I would immediately be accused of the following:  that I am "shouting" at him; that I think he is stupid; that I think he is a burden; that I think I am better than him; that I never listen to him; that I think I know everything better; that I must always insist on being right; that I think every discussion is a "competition" that I must win.

I think that a person with untreated BPD uses the projection ego defense most of the time when they are feeling uncomfortable, unhappy and threatened (which is most of the time it seems!).  They project all of their own shame onto us, in order to feel better about themselves.  This is why we then get painted blacker than black and get accused of all sorts of despicable qualities and traits and behaviours!

[Red Sky]

I got a kind of opposite of this... . Her diatribes were usually about self loathing. It was hard for me to listen to, because when I responded with 'you ARE good enough! You're smart funny etc' then we would have a fight which could go for hours in which she got more and more wound up disagreeing with every nice thing I said.

I do know what you mean about 'the gospel truth' though... . It's like all external perceptions are wrong and not to be trusted.

[AwakenedOne]

Yeah my ex would yell and scream over me, I couldn't even hear my own voice most of time. It was even worse having to deal with her on the freakin phone when she did that. She'd say I was arguing and lecturing her if I asked her a question in a normal voice or have a different opinion. I know how you feel, it sucks. It's like others say here though that we are dealing with someone with the emotions of a 3 yr old.

[I Am]

I know exactly what you mean.  My so would speak with such venom it was scary.  And if i replied it was either that i "kept bringing up the past" or she would put her fingers in her ears and scream leave me alone... .    She would do it in front of my children as a form of control.  She would look at me and threaten to take the conversation into a room they were in.  On more than one occasion before i removed my kids she screamed standing next to them.  It was surreal.   It is an effective form of torture for her to treat you that way and then refuse to engage at all... .

[AG]

Omfg almost all of you have bits and pieces of what went down with my ex and things she would say and do... . I would get the "You always have to be right". She even would say f-in Aquarius always have to be right. I also got the tantrum screaming at the top of her lungs literally like a child "Leave Me Aloone". I also got the "stop yelling at me" when im talking in a regular voice. Any attempt to talk logical sense into her left me baffled in awe. Besides that towards the end in the devalue process she was trying to correct my grammer. This was coming from a person that made grammatical errors when speaking to me all the time. I remember on several occasions she went to go correct me and I looked at her with a serious face almost damn near sarcastic look and said very calm "you do know that you just told me the wrong thing to say dont you"? She then thought about it and paused and just said oh. This happened many times she was wrong in trying to correct me almost every damn time. It was almost like she was reaching to one up me. Now when Im typing on this crap phone I definitely make many typos and errors but the way I articulate my words in person is something that people compliment me on all the time. Ive come to other locations in my company to pick things up and Ive had many people say they thought I was an old man when they see me nd are surprised to see that Im actually young. Smh wierd. Again if you check some of my last postings this revolves around what I said. They want to keep you down or knock you down a notch. They are jealous