Struggling today..

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi everyone,

I'm struggling a bit today.  Just various things going on due to recent circumstances and pictures she (my uBPD ex wife) sent to me of of herself and our children.

When I see her... . all dolled up.  I feel feelings of desire... . but it is immediately met with intense pain and anger and sorrow.  Like the very thing she attracted me (and everyone else) in with becomes the weapon she uses to destroy and punish.  You love the lust but you hate it and suffer under it.  So insidious and soul killing.  It's like I want to kill the part of me that feels anything, yet I know that is not the answer.  I don't want to feel desire toward her, because it is always mixed with all of those other things (of course, it has been for years, which is why sex was always so laden with anxiety and pain).

When I see her taking pictures with our kids, especially her son (my stepson), I am filled with all kinds of feelings, as well.  Feelings like, "You don't deserve those kids" toward her... . to "You are so blindly wrapped up into her, just like every other guy, and you always will be.  This is why we can't have a relationship," toward her son.  He is 20, and he has seen her do absolutely awful things, including fool around with his 18 year old friend (while she was still in a relationship with me, during our brief but foolish attempt at reconciliation).  And he just said nothing... . almost like its normal... . and that is because in spite of all the hell she has put him through, he always has his head up her #s... . always pining away and chasing after his momma.  On one hand, I identify.  But on the other hand, I lose him, too.  I can't be close to my own son (even if he is my stepson), because he is in her pocket and I just don't want to deal with what I believe is fake and what is enslaved to her.  (and by the way, I believe he is likely BPD as well)

There is a sense in which I feel in competition.  I realize she will never really be "happy", but I feel that she does not deserve to enjoy even the slightest enjoyment with anybody... . not any of her new revolving door love/sex interests, not our kids, not all the new friends she uses for narcissistic supply, etc.  Of course, I am largely in competition because if I had everything I wanted, like a good woman who would be everything to me she never was, I would rest, knowing I had "won."  I know this is just playing her game (or maybe even my own game, at this point), and I know it is self-destructive.  I'm just really struggling with letting it go today and finding contentment in my own life.

Help and prayers and encouragement appreciated.

-OutOfEgypt

[arjay]

Yes the intimacy and attraction was like a dangerous drug and the withdrawing from the relationship can leave us angry, confused, depressed, you name-it.

For the longest time (I am out 7 years now), I was still angry inside, because I wanted her to suffer; I wanted her to be accountable for the damage that she did to me and many others.  I wanted validation and peace.  It was never going to come from her.  She just picked-up her life, got new clothes, new pictures on facebook, a new shallow life and I was left dealing with my own despair.

It can become like a "cancer" within us; a silent core-being disease if we let it.  It can slowly destroy us inside if we let it, because we continue to look at them instead of realizing the love we have lost for ourselves and the kindness we deserve to give to ourselves, rather than continue to be attached to them and the spiritual-robbing ways of these relationships.

like the Buddhist lesson of "holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal, waiting to throw it at the other person".  We simply burn ourselves in the process.  There are no logical answers for what we all endured; there is no accountability and responsibility for their behavior which damages so many.

I used to believe that at some "core level" each of us has a person inside that is knowing of the pain they caused others, and feeling responsible and accountable for their actions.  I now accept that sometimes in life it just doesn't happen, not only with BPD suffers, but with others as well.  It is simply a lesson of life that we can either chose to accept and go on, or like cancer, it destroys us and robs us from the life we all deserve.

It is a very difficult lesson to learn and these experiences end up being something we process mostly alone.  There are no groups of people outside of here that we can bond with and share stories and reach an understanding. That is why in part, it is so difficult to move on.  Few people outside of this place - this site, really understand the reality of BPD.  That is also why this site is here.

Peace to you

[corraline]

Hi OutOfEgypt

I can't even look at a picture of my ex right now.  I have one tucked away.  The last time i had a glass of wine i looked at it and i fell apart.  I was also very very attracted to my ex and still in pain over the loss of our relationship.  I  wish i could just flip a switch and have him cleared right out of my history sometimes, ya know like i do on my computer now and again.

I found a great article last night and i am going to put it into practice.  I have already been doing that in some ways but i feel that i need to work it more into my life.

Here is the link just in case you haven't read it yet.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

take care 

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry to hear that today's been a tough one.  I have those days too.  Lately has been a little rocky for me as well - been triggered by some things, and I've been having to work through that.  It can be hard and very painful at times.  Hang in there.  I've read many of your posts and I think you have a great deal of perspective that BPD is a serious disorder and that it can inflict some very deep wounds on us as partners.  I'm glad you are posting here for support.  It helps me too.

My ex was not overtly sensual and she certainly was not slutty.  In fact, she was rather acutely aware of how attractive she was and how much male attention she got, and she actually seemed to try and discourage it.  She could be very cool toward men in general, and I found it so flattering and magical when I met her how receptive she was to me.  She could be rather flirtatious with women, however, but I don't believe that she ever acted on it while with me.  So, I never had to deal with her offering herself to other men and she did not use sex as a weapon against me.  She is the type to act in and run from all of her problems.  Especially using drugs and alcohol, which seems to be a constant in her life that she can't quite ever overcome.  I can still sympathize with how hard that must be for you to see her so openly sensual with other men.  That would have killed me if my ex had done that.  I can appreciate how hard that must be and how much you want that feeling to stop.  I can also understand your feelings that is seems so unfair that she is just going to move on without the slightest punishment for what she has done to you.  It is very unfair.

I will definitely pray for you and you can do the same for me.  Hang in there, man.  We will get through this.  These days happen.

[Tausk]

I'm sorry for you pain and suffering.  It hurts deeply and it's a very lonely feeling since so few can really understand.  But although the specifics are different, I do understand the nature of the pain. We all do on this board, which is a great gift.     I will include you in my prayers and thoughts.  I hope you can include me in yours as well.  It hurts.  It hurts deeply.  The Disorder is truly destructive and it is more powerful than me.    The Disorder always wins.

I hope you can find hope and faith in the fact that many have come before you and many are with you on a very similar journey.  We can support each other and share our experience, strength and hope.

In understanding and love for a good man,

T

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry you're struggling today OOE.  Me too.    to you.  It's hard to watch them just "move on".  We're sitting here shattered and trying to pick up the pieces and they're just off doing their new thing.  Or as my exBF said to me... . seeking a new relationship.  It's been two months... . he's probably found one by now.

My T said something to me that made a lot of sense.  He said "You're part of the problem now."  Meaning we're the ones creating all these uncomfortable feelings in them.  It's almost a relief for them when it's over.  Helps me to understand why he can just so blithely move on with his life.  In the past couple of conversations I've had with him he's so... . happy.  Telling me about all the fun things he's doing.  I can barely get out of bed.  It hurts like hell and I resent it so very much.  He has no idea what kind of pain I'm in.  He certainly doesn't want to hear about it. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Thank you all for your understanding, help, and encouragement.  What I believe I attempted to explain was how I can let her go pretty easily when things are going well in my life, but when they aren't (for example, right now I'm single and the prospects for good women out there in my area are pretty poor) I hate on her.  Of course, this does absolutely nothing but punish me and add insult to injury on top of my loneliness.

I've truly never met anyone like her.  She comes off as so sweet and alluring and strong.  And then she's a helpless waif who needs help and rescue.  But really she's the type of person who will kick you when you are down, justify it to you and others by saying, "Well, can you blame me for kicking him?  He's down there instead of giving me what I need.", and conveniently leave out the fact that you are "down" because she broke your legs.  Truly insidious.

But though I may not get everything I want in this life, I know one thing for sure... . I still want to enjoy it (or more importantly, I do not want it to be unnecessarily hindered any longer, like it was for years), and I want that more than I want her not to enjoy hers.  So, that has to win.  This will win.  I seem to be learning this in fits and starts.  I go for a while doing fine, and then I crash.  It seems that is just the way it goes.  If there is one thing for certain, I do not want my hand to be the hand that remains on the latch to my prison cell.  Time to walk out again.

[cosmonaut]

I get you, OutOfEgypt.  I feel very much the same.  Some days I'm doing alright, and some days I am really struggling.  On the days I struggle, I feel much more anger, resentment, and bitterness towards my ex as well.  I'm feeling much more of that latter the past few days, which have been hard.  I triggered over some things - some of it my fault and some not - and it's brought these painful emotions roaring back.  A part of me deeply loves my ex and wants her to be happy, healthy, and blessed.  Another part of me is furious that she can do this to me - that she can just drop her atomic bomb and then fly off, leaving me to deal with the radioactive fallout and burned out ruins while she goes on with her life without a care in the world.  That this devastation was wrought from someone that I truly love and that I once believed truly loved me only makes the betrayal worse.  Talk about betrayal with a kiss.  It is grossly unfair and it does make me angry.  It is wrong and it is unjust.  Understanding that my ex has a serious disorder, doesn't really change the injustice done and my anger about that.  It hurts and it is still painfully raw.  In some way, I believe it always will be.  One does not simply ever forget something like this.

So, I understand.  I've never met anyone like my ex either.  With her it was truly the best of times and the worst of times.  I think you have a great deal of insight into your own relationship, and I think you are well on the way to freeing yourself.  Has this experience permanently changed us?  Probably so.  I want to believe that it can be an opportunity for rebirth, however.  That we can emerge from this trial stronger and more in touch with our own true selves than we ever have been before.  That is the hope that I cling to now.

[Tausk]

Thank you all for your understanding, help, and encouragement.  What I believe I attempted to explain was how I can let her go pretty easily when things are going well in my life, but when they aren't (for example, right now I'm single and the prospects for good women out there in my area are pretty poor) I hate on her.  Of course, this does absolutely nothing but punish me and add insult to injury on top of my loneliness.

This is a very strong statement filled with honesty and self awareness.  Thank you. It's also true of me and I think of many of us on the board.   A pattern for us on this board, including myself, are unresolved FOO issues and issues of shame and self esteem.  But we are sincere people of character.  That's why I so easily permitted myself to be mirrored.  It was a way to feel good about myself, but it was also a way to avoid growing up in some ways.  

I'm still emotionally immature in many ways and being with my ex permitted me the opportunity to not deal with those things since I was so much above her.  Being one up and a rescuer, permitted both me and her the excuse to avoid the responsibility of growing up.  

Partnerships and friendships are not about being one up and rescuing.  They are about support.  I never had that with my ex.

By realizing that my anger is deeper when I'm insecure, allows me to have self awareness, and then allows me to look at how I can help myself.  Self soothing is possible for me.  It was not possible for my ex.  It's difficult to accept that I was better at absorbing the pain of my ex than processing my own pain.  But I'm getting better at it.  

Recovery is the continuing gift.

T

[corraline]

tausk

thanks your post.

it speaks to me.

it felt like we were always doing that dance, one upping and rescuing. both of us.

always a power struggle with each other. we tried to be aware of it but triggered each other too much even so.

[Lion Fire]

you're in the right place OutOfEgypt,

healing is a grueling journey with many layers that run deep. Just when I think I'm getting out of the darkness I have a day like you are having (today again btw)

One of the ways I settle my mind is by comparing where I am now with the alternative of being with her. We know that there's no going back to being the hero/knight in shining armour/soul mate phase once we are split black. It will always be shades of black, grey at best ... . I just have to picture myself sitting with her right now and I know for certain that I am safer where I am albeit painful and lonely.

I grieve the good times, the heady days of true romance and shared dreams. I get such a deep pain when I think of those times... . days when I felt like the sun shone only on us. This is what I find the hardest to release. I mourn for those moments of what I thought were perfection. I don't miss the toxic tank of hate and vengeance she became

The reality is that this was a type of dreamstate. When reality and life challenges came along she spun out of control and took me on her horror trip until I leaped out of the maelstrom of disorder to save my soul.

I walked away from my ex, blocked her on all channels too, and still I feel like I was the one abandoned. A relationship with a BPD is undefined,confusing and devastating and once we've been submerged in this disorder with them it's extremely difficult to orientate ourselves again.

Stay with it and have faith and endurance... . all will be well... . sooner or later.

Peace

[corraline]

It is so amazing how so many on here are embracing their vulnerability and reaching out and supporting others . there is so much strength and healing in this.

thank you all.