Are we all mental?

[Dolly rocker]

So I'm in Ireland all by myself. Which makes me reflect on my life. Makes me think about things I've done, some achievements, some mistakes... . I'm in my room feeling extremely sad and depressed today. I had come such a long way with NC. I was feeling so strong. I really thought I had built myself back up again... , that was until he contacted me saying he was going to kill himself. I got alarmed. I answered his desperate calls, and we talked. He wanted to see me. I never agreed to it and then he left me and so did my confidence.

Now I find myself missing him, wanting him.

What the hell is up with me? He's just proved he's still the same, he's just proved once again that he'll never change. I'm talking about the constant re-assurance that im not going to leave him, the constant drama with illnesses, panic attacks where I'd have to drop everything to be there, the constant breaking up then making up, the jealousy everytime I talk to a guy. I mean The drama will always be there, his sickness will always be there and yet I find myself here in this room deeply sad wanting him.

Thank goodness I'm not the kinda girl who gives up and starts calling the guy whenever she misses him. I have pride. Always did and hopefully always will do. I won't contact him at all. I won't msg him, nor will I call him.

So what the hell is wrong with me. And more to the point, what the hell is wrong with us all who are on this board? We must have some serious issues if we can't let go of whoever made us this miserable!

It just doesn't make sense. This crazy non- BPD attraction!

What is this spell we are all under? Or are we the sick ones?

I'm not sure!

[maternal]

I have been thinking the same thing recently. I've had ex-boyfriends before, and not a single one of them has affected me this much.

How does this Disorder work to get us all so attached? I was never this attached to anyone before him. I still don't fully understand how their spell works the way it does.

[LoveLove]

I think it's because of that initial and intense "love" they give us... . but it's all about control for them (even though they try and blame it all on us). It's sick! We have to run... . and for those who have stayed, more power to them! But the constant back and forth and abuse - no one deserves that.

I understand that it's a mental illness that they have and they need help - but they can't leave a path of destruction, while others suffer.

[Dolly rocker]

We nonBPD act eerily similar!

We suffer so much, we find it so difficult to let go, and God, how much longer do we need to even consider going on a date again?

Finding a new love is so out of question. I have this profound feeling I'll never find  or be in love again

[LoveLove]

Dolly rocker -

Do NOT think that! Not even for a moment. I know it's hard letting go in our situations because of that initial and INTENSE "love" - but quite possibly just an illusion. I mean if they simply go around and say the same things and do the same things with so many others, what makes us special? They simply leave a road of destruction - but at some point they need to be held responsible. Having a mental illness isn't an excuse to hurt others. I'm not an expert - but I believe at some level they DO understand what they are doing.

You have to take care of YOU and do things that make you happy. Distract yourself and FORCE yourself to go out and meet others. These relationships are NOT normal. And who knows if they ever will be - even if the person does therapy/meds. You will forever be walking on eggshells and wondering what will happen. That's no way to live.

I'm not saying they don't deserve love - everyone does. However, until they get the help they need, they will not be able to conduct "normal" lives. It's incredibly frustrating and I know we look back on all the "good" and wonder what happened. But we have to remember, the people we were dealing with are not well in the mind... . it's a sickness. And there is only so much that we can do... . you must do what's best for YOU. Otherwise staying means a life of a rollercoaster of emotions. :'(

[Dolly rocker]

Thanks LoveLove!

I'm very aware of the consequences of staying in this crazy relationship.

Last year I was very close to a nervous breakdown. And that's why I never agreed to meet him even when he told me he was gonna kill himself ( he never did btw)

But what I find bizarre is the fact that the more they makes us suffer the more we want them.

It's just beyond my logical thinking!

But I suppose we as humans don't take rejection very well. So I think in the end we tried to make things work out not for the sake of love but to prove it to ourselves we were good enough to make the relationship work?

[LoveLove]

Dolly rocker -

Awww =( ... . yeah not worth a nervous breakdown. Not at all! Especially when life is already so short!

And their threats of suicide are just wanting attention - because that's all they want - ATTENTION. And whatever you give is never enough.

And as far as them making us suffer and us wanting them more - well as the saying goes - the more you deprive someone of something, the more they want whatever it is. You must remain strong. Think about the suffering you've been through - not just the "good times" (which again was an illusion). It's not worth your health.

And it was never about whether you were good enough or not. They simply do not know how to maintain healthy relationships. There are issues that I'm not sure if even years of therapy can "fix"... .

I know as human beings we want to be loved and we want to love back. Yet, you are dealing with someone who is incredibly unstable. Keep that in mind.

With time though, all things heal and once you start taking care of YOU, you will see a difference in your life... .

This site is great to vent and learn, however, at the end of the day, we must all do what's best for us and sometimes what's best is letting go... .

[Emelie Emelie]

Sometimes Dolly I think I am mental.  Crying and obsessing over someone who treated me really badly.  I feel like I'm "under a spell" too sometimes.  He has this hold over me I just cannot explain.  This has gone on for almost two years.  And it's getting to the point where the bad times outweighed the good.  My self esteem is in tatters. 

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.   

[letmeout]

I think they call it Stockholm syndrome; we probably all have it after being with a BPD person.

[antjs]

He wanted to see me. I never agreed to it.

[\quote]

[\quote]

  the constant breaking up then making up

[\quote]

[\quote]

And more to the point, what the hell is wrong with us all who are on this board? We must have some serious issues if we can't let go of whoever made us this miserable!

It just doesn't make sense. This crazy non- BPD attraction!

What is this spell we are all under? Or are we the sick ones?

I'm not sure![/quote]
can you tell the difference between the first two quotes ? they are completely the opposite. how did you get there ? i will tell you how. cause the constant break up and make up was accepted by you in hope that one day the idealization phase will be back. I do not find nons seeking the idealization phase as a wrong or bad thing. everyone deserves to feel loved and cared for. the problem is that this should be a bonus not the core. a romantic relationship in my eyes now is an add-on. i have to be happy by myself and love myself inorder to be in a healthy relationship in the first place.

anyway, so simply "he wanted to see me. i never agreed to." is your theme now cause you are dead sure  that the idealization phase will never get back. it took you some time to decide which person (they are felt like two persons between idealization and devaluation) is the real and true one. now that you know that what you have initially experienced is never gonna be constant you do not want to go back there.

you know why it is hard ? because they are borderline. borderline between neurosis and psychosis. my therapist told me that it is the hardest romantic detachment when with a borderline. at least some psychopath will always act crazy. but with a borderline, this push pull, this lucid-delusional dynamics that keeps us so hooked. but again you personally now can see that the negative outcome is way more than the positive so thats why you do not want to meet him. get the NC again you will be ok soon

[Tolou]

Being in these relationships does make you feel like mentally there is something not right, or wrong with you.  That's part of the disorder I presume and why it is so heart wrenching.  We can't fix them, it was never our place, we can try and fix and work on our own issues however.  And that begins by acknowledging our own issues and identifying them.  Being in these relationships bring up certain things for us that we have never dealt with or realized were there to begin with.  It is certain that most of these relationships were unhealthy from the begining, because most people on these boards look back and can point out the many red-flags we ignored along the way before both parties began to get hurt.  Then comes the question why did we stay, or continue to etc... . everyone is different, most BPD are different too, I think for anyone to assume their all the same is wrong, as well as assume their BPD without an actual diagnosis.  Some people do have difficulty with their emotions and once their tirggered, it's hard to get back not the idealization that was there, but for it is trust, how can I find a place of peace and harmony with someone if I cannot trust them, especially their stability.  Finding a healthy and solid realtionship is as difficult as we make, their plenty of people who are deserving of your love, once you have reached a better place in your own life.  When you carry these issues into the next realtionship without really working on yourself, it will get hard.  I think it okay that you love this person, but realizing that reagrdless if you love them or not, it's not fair for you or them, because they have a lot more work to do before they can return the type of love or reciprocal relationship that you are seeking.  Maybe, atleast I tell myself, that I met her so I can grow, as a person and as a man and deal with the things that I blocked away, but all came to surface when I met her.  Best of luck, and you will and can find a loving healthy relationship when you learn to move on in your time from this one that was unhealthy, for both parties.

[thinkingthinking]

I've recently found myself in the same place... . wondering if I'm the one with all the issues.  He treated me poorly for so long that I just got used to it, and yet I'm somehow still attracted to him and depressed.

So painful to examine my own behaviors, but being alone has put me in that place where I have to.  My basic-self and behaviors were part of me before my relationship, but became entangled/exaggerated in this relationship.

 

Like many other non-BPD's:

1. I am a caretaker

2. I am a capable problem solver

3. I am empathetic

4. I am dedicated/committed/responsible

In and of themselves, none of these are bad traits. However, get me together with someone who has BPD and I lose all sense of myself.  Being married to someone with BPD for 22 years has almost made me forget my own self-worth.  And I know that it all gets back to figuring out how to respect and love myself without the neediness of someone else dragging me down. With all of this knowledge, contact from him can bring me down to the lowest spot in quick order.

 

Such great advice on these boards about giving ourselves the gift of TIME.  I think we want to be "over it", be "better" quick, when in the middle of one of these low points.  But hopefully time will be what gives us the growth and maturity to love and respect ourselves enough to let go of a relationship that is so hurtful.  Hang in there!   

[Tausk]

I've recently found myself in the same place... . wondering if I'm the one with all the issues.  He treated me poorly for so long that I just got used to it, and yet I'm somehow still attracted to him and depressed.

So painful to examine my own behaviors, but being alone has put me in that place where I have to.  My basic-self and behaviors were part of me before my relationship, but became entangled/exaggerated in this relationship.

 

Like many other non-BPD's:

1. I am a caretaker

2. I am a capable problem solver

3. I am empathetic

4. I am dedicated/committed/responsible

The above is so true for many partners in the interaction.  I say partners because "nons" implies outside the scope of what happened.  I participated to an extreme extent.  I started as a willing volunteer and ended as a Stockholm-Syndrom, PTSD, FOG induced slave to the Disorder.  But I must forgive myself for my actions that in the end hurt me and hurt my exgfwBPD.

We are good people of character who want to help, but the Disorder took what is good about me and turned it back onto me as a form of emeshment, bondage, and punishment. 

And the reason why the Disorder was able to do it is/was, because  I also have issues with:

1. FOO

2. Self Esteem

3. Shame

4. Fantasy Rescue

5. Unresolved Childhood Trauma... .

The list goes on, but I've found that I can deal with the above now, and it's why I won't be in another BPD interaction, and why I'm am already stronger and better than before I met my ex.  I can change.  I can grow.  I can learn.  I can be a person who I can accept as good enough.

My ex stays the same, just with someone else as captive. 

In hope,

T

[Blimblam]

Most of us probably are mental.  Or why would we ignore the red flags of the pwBPD?   We probably fall into the camp of codependants.  I find it common that there is a tendency for us to use the splitting and vilify the pwBPD but that is not necessarily fair.  We are responsible as well.