WHY?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Alright, so I just did a questionaire to identify signs of being co-dependent. And I failed. So I don't think that's it. I rack my brain trying to figure out how I fell into this and while I know I have issues, I KNOW I have issues. They are things I work on, they are things I'm aware of, they are things I am open about. I mean, yes, I am most definitely a rescuer. I rescue animals, I help people, I see potential. I am certain that once I am over this mess, I will continue to rescue and I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. In fact, I think more people should have more compassion. I don't think I do it for control. If anything, I don't particularly like having control.  But I do have a pretty big tendency to ignore red flags, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to excuse bad behavior, to stay in relationships too long. I don't think I have low self estem. I like myself. I know I am smart and funny and a good person, if a bit of a slacker. I always try to look on the bright side of things so I am generally a pretty positive person.

I did love the idealization phase but also know 100% that my love for him was real. I still love him. I didn't just love him when he was idealizing me, I loved all of him. I really struggle with believing that his "love" for me was not real. He always acknowledged that most of the craziness was him reading me wrong, hearing me wrong, whatever. He would say he would hear something and his head would tilt, or that he was having a great night and the bottom would fall out. Or something along those lines. I also believe that I became addicted to the roller coaster. It was a rush, a thrill, as sick as that sounds. I used to tell him I could handle any of it, all of it, except for the rage. Just get control of the rage. To some extent, he did. He hadn't smashed the house in several months (which was maybe just his fear of me calling the police which I had done once) but by then it was kind of too late. By then, I was a wreck. Always watching, always waiting. And paranoid. I didn't know what was real anymore. I think that's when the gaslighting started, him doing things so subtley that I didn't know if it was my paranoia or him f'ing with me. That's when I got scared. That's when I knew--and I do believe I really know this time--that I couldn't continue. (and of course, this leads me to guilt. I told him to control the rage, he sort of does(--sort of--I forgot about him throwing the burning piece of paper at me when I was laying in bed just a couple of weeks ago. And throwing the fan at me. But those things were minimal compared to what I used to endure) and I end it anyway).

So, my original question. Besides co-dependence what other reasons are there that I would have stayed? And I guess that's rhetorical because I guess no one can tell me why I did what I did. And I guess this is progress because for two years I was all about why is he doing this or why is he doing that. So it's good, right, that now I am asking why did I?

[crookedeuphoria]

Alright, so I just did a questionaire to identify signs of being co-dependent. And I failed. So I don't think that's it. I rack my brain trying to figure out how I fell into this and while I know I have issues, I KNOW I have issues. They are things I work on, they are things I'm aware of, they are things I am open about. I mean, yes, I am most definitely a rescuer. I rescue animals, I help people, I see potential. I am certain that once I am over this mess, I will continue to rescue and I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. In fact, I think more people should have more compassion. I don't think I do it for control. If anything, I don't particularly like having control.  But I do have a pretty big tendency to ignore red flags, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to excuse bad behavior, to stay in relationships too long. I don't think I have low self estem. I like myself. I know I am smart and funny and a good person, if a bit of a slacker. I always try to look on the bright side of things so I am generally a pretty positive person.

I did love the idealization phase but also know 100% that my love for him was real. I still love him. I didn't just love him when he was idealizing me, I loved all of him. I really struggle with believing that his "love" for me was not real. He always acknowledged that most of the craziness was him reading me wrong, hearing me wrong, whatever. He would say he would hear something and his head would tilt, or that he was having a great night and the bottom would fall out. Or something along those lines. I also believe that I became addicted to the roller coaster. It was a rush, a thrill, as sick as that sounds. I used to tell him I could handle any of it, all of it, except for the rage. Just get control of the rage. To some extent, he did. He hadn't smashed the house in several months (which was maybe just his fear of me calling the police which I had done once) but by then it was kind of too late. By then, I was a wreck. Always watching, always waiting. And paranoid. I didn't know what was real anymore. I think that's when the gaslighting started, him doing things so subtley that I didn't know if it was my paranoia or him f'ing with me. That's when I got scared. That's when I knew--and I do believe I really know this time--that I couldn't continue. (and of course, this leads me to guilt. I told him to control the rage, he sort of does(--sort of--I forgot about him throwing the burning piece of paper at me when I was laying in bed just a couple of weeks ago. And throwing the fan at me. But those things were minimal compared to what I used to endure) and I end it anyway).

So, my original question. Besides co-dependence what other reasons are there that I would have stayed? And I guess that's rhetorical because I guess no one can tell me why I did what I did. And I guess this is progress because for two years I was all about why is he doing this or why is he doing that. So it's good, right, that now I am asking why did I?

[toomanytears]

I do have a pretty big tendency to ignore red flags, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to excuse bad behavior, to stay in relationships too long. I don't think I have low self estem. I like myself. I know I am smart and funny and a good person, if a bit of a slacker. I always try to look on the bright side of things so I am generally a pretty positive person.

So, my original question. Besides co-dependence what other reasons are there that I would have stayed? And I guess that's rhetorical because I guess no one can tell me why I did what I did. And I guess this is progress because for two years I was all about why is he doing this or why is he doing that. So it's good, right, that now I am asking why did I?

Same here, crookedeuphoria. I understand him - why he is like he is - a rubbish background, parents, childhood bereavement etc. But I just don't get me. How did I fall for it? And even more bemusing, how did I stick it out for so long? 31 years! i guess having two kids helped to glue us together. And, he was pretty good at obfuscating and distracting. I was also in denial alot of the time, refusing to see the red flags waving right under my nose. My daughter is still under his spell. She won't have a word said against her darling daddy even though she told me to divorce him! That makes it harder... .

[woodsposse]

 

First off, please know that where you are in your life situation - just by being here on this board you are at the right place.  Many members here (myself included) have gone through the exact same struggle and roller coaster that you describe.  So you are not alone and I, for one, know your feeling very very well.

Being in a r/s with a pwPD can be very difficult (in the short or long term).

I think it is a good thing that you are taking some time to focus on the "you" in this r/s - because, ultimately, this is where all of the questions you are seeking will be found.  

You are right, no one can tell you with all degree of certainty why you stayed.  Only you can ultimately come to that answer.  But a lot of it does have to do with the fact that you loved your SO and you were willing to go through whatever you went through for those (and other) reasons.

Are there co-dependency issues?  Are there issues of low self-esteem?  Are you a rescurer?  Was it gas lighting?  Was it real?  Maybe.  Maybe to all of the questions.  But what is more important at this point is are you taking care of yourself?  I don't know the full back story (if you were married, do you have kids, did you move out, did he, etc).  But you have to do whatever you have to do to make sure you are alright.

I could answer the questions as to why I stayed... . but it took me a long time and a lot of inner searching to come to those answers.  And it wasn't easy - and there was a lot of pain and hurt and confusion and anger.  All I can say to this, for you, is... . you have to feel it and lean into it.  It won't be easy, but it will get better.  

That... . I promise.

Just know - you are not alone.  THe members here are awesome and you are among people who understand.

[Narellan]

Goodness crooked euphoria I could have written that post. Exactly me and exactly my circumstances, up until the raging bit... . I didn't have that.

So to answer from my own perspective why I loved my exBPD was because he was different. He was like no one I'd ever met before. I've never loved anyone so much. He was attentive, caring, touchy feeely, emotional, assertive, confident, witty, kind, charming. His head tilted at times too, when he was amused by something. I truly fell in love because he showed me his vulnerabilities. I saw the lost needy little boy inside. I saw what he needed and I wanted to be that one special person to give it to him. I ignored red flags, and defended him to anyone. I was not only his rescuer but his protector. I still jump to his defense and feel bad if I hear anyone paint him black. I put all I had into loving him. Which is why the devastation was so bad when he left. He took my heart and soul with him. And the agony... . God that physical pain was unbearable.

I've realised as much as I like myself and have good self esteem, I don't believe I'm lovable. I feel like I should be, but a couple of failed relationships and a bad marriage to an aloof bipolar man, has made me question what is wrong with me. I agree people are not anywhere near as compassionate, empathetic and loyal as me. I try to make anything work. I don't give up.

I have lots of work to do now in therapy.

[crookedeuphoria]

Yes, yes, all of that. He would tell me that I was the only one who really knew him. Because I did. I could see the switch coming before he did sometimes, the dysregulation, and the dissociation. A lot of the time I could even head it off at the pass, never for long, but sometimes I could stop it.

I defended him too and still would. I am not at all a confrontational person and I went at his dad one time about how it was his fault, how he had never allowed my ex to feel strong and capable, how he had been abandoned and unloved. And then never made to face any consequences of his behavior.

It is devastating. I hate this disorder. Not him, I don't hate him. I hate all of the circumstances that made him the way that he is, I hate the miswiring in his brain, I hate his parents for all of the sick, twisted things they did.

What kills me is that he truly knew that there was something wrong and I believe he wanted to fix it. We begged for help. Different therapists, his parents, we even met with some of his high school friends trying to get answers. Why was he like this, when did it start? By that point though, I think pretty much everyone was just done with him, over it all. I had little support, people just saw me being treated badly and after awhile, I was written off too or maybe I wrote those people off out of defense.

I am sorry Narellan, that you went through that. I can't imagine the devastation if my ex had just up and left me. Well, he did up and leave me, about a million times but he always came back.

I know this is the right thing for me. I know I am doing the right thing. I read the stories here, people who have been in these relationships far longer than I was and I can't fathom it. But I am so sad. I don't understand why he couldn't just fight those demons. And that makes me feel bad because I know he did, I know he tried but there was just no way to win.

[Narellan]

Yes it's devastating. So far my exBPD has always come back too. This last split was major and final for me. 3 months NC but he came around to my door a few days ago when i wasn't home. Hasn't come back though. I think he knows I'm done now, or I would have called him straight after missing him the day he came over. He's leaving me alone now. And it's really bittersweet.

[going places]

Alright, so I just did a questionaire to identify signs of being co-dependent. And I failed. So I don't think that's it. I rack my brain trying to figure out how I fell into this and while I know I have issues, I KNOW I have issues. They are things I work on, they are things I'm aware of, they are things I am open about. I mean, yes, I am most definitely a rescuer. I rescue animals, I help people, I see potential. I am certain that once I am over this mess, I will continue to rescue and I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. In fact, I think more people should have more compassion. I don't think I do it for control. If anything, I don't particularly like having control.  But I do have a pretty big tendency to ignore red flags, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to excuse bad behavior, to stay in relationships too long. I don't think I have low self estem. I like myself. I know I am smart and funny and a good person, if a bit of a slacker. I always try to look on the bright side of things so I am generally a pretty positive person.

For me personally?

I liked the 'feeling' of rescuing.

Someone noticed I cared.

It was also a 'control issue' (deep seeded, but control all the same)

I ignored red flags because I was 'comfortable'.

I did love the idealization phase but also know 100% that my love for him was real. I still love him. I didn't just love him when he was idealizing me, I loved all of him. I really struggle with believing that his "love" for me was not real. He always acknowledged that most of the craziness was him reading me wrong, hearing me wrong, whatever. He would say he would hear something and his head would tilt, or that he was having a great night and the bottom would fall out. Or something along those lines. I also believe that I became addicted to the roller coaster. It was a rush, a thrill, as sick as that sounds. I used to tell him I could handle any of it, all of it, except for the rage. Just get control of the rage. To some extent, he did. He hadn't smashed the house in several months (which was maybe just his fear of me calling the police which I had done once) but by then it was kind of too late. By then, I was a wreck. Always watching, always waiting. And paranoid. I didn't know what was real anymore. I think that's when the gaslighting started, him doing things so subtley that I didn't know if it was my paranoia or him f'ing with me. That's when I got scared. That's when I knew--and I do believe I really know this time--that I couldn't continue. (and of course, this leads me to guilt. I told him to control the rage, he sort of does(--sort of--I forgot about him throwing the burning piece of paper at me when I was laying in bed just a couple of weeks ago. And throwing the fan at me. But those things were minimal compared to what I used to endure) and I end it anyway).

I was addicted to the "I can fix this".

My flight or fight response has ALWAYS been fight.

I do not like to 'lose'.

So, my original question. Besides co-dependence what other reasons are there that I would have stayed? And I guess that's rhetorical because I guess no one can tell me why I did what I did. And I guess this is progress because for two years I was all about why is he doing this or why is he doing that. So it's good, right, that now I am asking why did I?

I stayed why?

It was the right thing to do.

It was the Biblical thing to do.

I was terrified of 'failing alone'.

For the kids security.

I was afraid he would hook up with someone 10-20 years younger than him and he would start a new family and it would hurt my kids.

The list goes on... .

At the end of the day, staying as long as I did was foolish; but a lesson.

Mistakes are ok to make so long as we learn from them.

I will NEVER EVER understand 'why'.

NONE of this will EVER make sense.

So I will not longer give it time and space in my life.

I am turning the page... .

[seeking balance]

But I am so sad. I don't understand why he couldn't just fight those demons. And that makes me feel bad because I know he did, I know he tried but there was just no way to win.

Bargaining is a very real stage of grief.  Wondering the "whys" - why you stayed, why he couldn't fight - it is all part of the brain processing the pain... . the sadness.

At the end of the day, we can use our pain to forge new meaning in our lives, learn something, perhaps change if necessary - it gives meaning and value to an otherwise very sad moment in our life.

It is ok to help people, it is ok to understand him - and most importantly, it is ok to grieve the relationship - not just the one you had, but the one you had created in your mind as well - the "potential relationship".

Peace,

SB

[crookedeuphoria]

Yes. I am trying to figure out what the lesson was. I know there is something important to be learned here.

Strangely enough, just prior to my r/s with my uBPDbf, I had this dream of starting a new business, a retreat of sorts, to help women get their light back, that they had lost due to their r/s, having kids, getting older. Women who had lost their own identity somewhere along the way. And then I met him and all of my dreams went to ___. So. I am sort of thinking now that this was the Universe's way of telling me nuh-uh, you're not ready yet, I'm going to show you what it really means to lose your light, you can fight your way back and THEN you can go on to help other women.

[going places]

Let that be your power... . your motivation... . you positive focus on YOU making YOU strong, and ready for whatever life throws at you, how to break old patterns and habits, and MOVE FORWARD!

Hang onto that passion, dream... . and walk everyday towards that goal!

[Narellan]

Quote "Strangely enough, just prior to my r/s with my uBPDbf, I had this dream of starting a new business, a retreat of sorts, to help women get their light back, that they had lost due to their r/s, having kids, getting older. Women who had lost their own identity somewhere along the way. And then I met him and all of my dreams went to ___. So. I am sort of thinking now that this was the Universe's way of telling me nuh-uh, you're not ready yet, I'm going to show you what it really means to lose your light, you can fight your way back and THEN you can go on to help other women."

Crookedeuphoria this is a wonderful idea. Having spent most of my life with my bipolar ex husband I had no light left. After living with an aloof man with anger management issues for 23 years I was left numb and unfeeling. That's why u fell so hard into my BPD relationship. I felt alive again. He slapped me awake.

I would definitely come to your retreat to find my light again. Now more than ever.

Live your dream 

[toomanytears]

It is devastating. I hate this disorder. Not him, I don't hate him. I hate all of the circumstances that made him the way that he is, I hate the miswiring in his brain, I hate his parents for all of the sick, twisted things they did.

crookedeuphoria, like you I don't hate my ex. In some ways I wish I did. I feeling huge compassion for him and for the smae and this nightmare hurts so bad because I still love him deeply. But I have to remember it's the idea of him, not the actually person. I want to rescue the idea but this time I can't.  Now it's someone elses's job and that hurts too.

[wake up]

It sounds a lot like my ex, and in the end we stay because we have never felt so much love before,  when things get bad and we leave they always go back to honeymoon faze, all whilst twisting everything and making you feel like it was all your fault and that you should be grateful they still want to be with you. The honeymoon never lasts but we always hope that we can make that good part last, keep them happy, keep their anger away.

I'm also a rescuer- now I'm halfway through my studies to become a Dr so I guess I wanted to help him also.

I think we stay because the good times are so good that they cancel out the bad times... . But in the end the BPD gets worse and we don't get enough of the good times to keep us there.  The problem for me is that during NC I forget the worst things so it helps to take screen shots of the worst rants on whatsapp, keep a diary of all the things he does, to remind me of what I would be returning to.  When I read them I can't believe I forgave him.  There is no forgiveness for him in my heart now, and that's what will keep me strong.  Forgive yourself for falling for his tricks but don't be too forgiving with what he did.  You can remember with fondness his good sides and cherish the good memories but never forget what they did to us emotionally and what they took from us.  Real relationships with loving and healthy men don't take from us, they don't leave us tormented and always on edge.  You don't need to be codependent to fall for them- I was the most independent and socially secure person around and it still happened to me.  It's not our fault, he made you fall in love.

My uBPDx told me once that when he met me he decided to 'make me ' fall in love with him.  Even though I told him on the first night that I wasn't looking for a relationship and I didn't want him to fall in love with me and complicate my life... . He still sucked me in, cos that's what they do!

[wake up]

Yes. I am trying to figure out what the lesson was. I know there is something important to be learned here.

Strangely enough, just prior to my r/s with my uBPDbf, I had this dream of starting a new business, a retreat of sorts, to help women get their light back, that they had lost due to their r/s, having kids, getting older. Women who had lost their own identity somewhere along the way. And then I met him and all of my dreams went to ___. So. I am sort of thinking now that this was the Universe's way of telling me nuh-uh, you're not ready yet, I'm going to show you what it really means to lose your light, you can fight your way back and THEN you can go on to help other women.

That is amazing and so true.  We learn from the pain of it all, and will end up stronger.  I never understood women staying in abusive relationships, I always assumed they were the timid or needy kind.  Experiencing it myself will make me more understanding and empathetic when I face this oneday in the hospital.  It has matured me and made me grow.  It has also redefined my boundaries with my relationships.  It is only a useless experience if we let it be, but the moment we get out we have learned at least one thing: to love and respect ourselves even if the one we loved did not. 

[crookedeuphoria]

I never understood women who stayed either, wake up. It is so slow, so subtle though, before you know it, you are wrapped in barbed wire wondering what happened to your life.

[going places]

I have a little understanding why:

1. Social pressure, especially if you are part of a church. The expectation is to 'work it out, do what's right' and not be so 'selfish'. Or the classic "what about the kids"... .

2. It is a generational curse. Mama stayed / Daddy stayed... . Gramma stayed... . Auntie stayed... . Uncle stayed... . it's a pattern sown into us from birth. We learn more by example than by any book.

3. Mental and Emotional abuse chips away at a person like repeated drops of water on your forehead. Eventually, it drives a person mad. Makes them say and do things that they NEVER imagined themselves doing.

4. Financial Stability. Nuff said.

5. Fear of the repercussions of leaving (maybe even their lives)

The list goes on.

Telling a man or woman who is in a cycle of abuse to 'wake up, snap out of it, just leave' is like telling someone with a shattered ankle to 'just get up and walk'.

The broken person WANTS to move... . but they can't.

It took YEARS to emotionally wreck someone, you can't expect them to just wake up one day and say "Ok, I will do things 180 degrees different than I always have, starting today" and never miss a beat.

[toomanytears]

  The problem for me is that during NC I forget the worst things so it helps to take screen shots of the worst rants on whatsapp, keep a diary of all the things he does, to remind me of what I would be returning to.  When I read them I can't believe I forgave him. 

Wake up that's so true. NC is all very well but after a while I find myself drifting back into the dreamy denial stage. Then what happens is I break NC (after a couple of glasses too many), send a sorrowful text and get a reprimanding reply. That kind of shows it's all in our own minds, doesn't it? The only remedy then is to read my red flags list and log straight onto these boards so I can start getting real again. I suppose this is all part of the grieving process. I wish it would all end... .

[woodsposse]

 

You are correct.  It is part of the process. 

My advice would be when this happens, let it happen.  Don't be too hard on yourself, because it's normal.

And it will pass, especially if you want it to.  These types of r/s breakups can be devastating - but there is light at the end of the tunnel.  That I promise.

[Narellan]

Toomanytears that's so true. I find myself that my one daily glass of alcohol is ok, but any more than that I'm a blubbering mess. Alcohol weakens the will, and blurs judgement. I don't have any more than one now because I don't trust myself. I don't go out anymore so I'm more in control. However my friend talked me into eating out on Friday night and I drive so I wouldn't drink. Had my one wine before I went. Her friend behind the bar brought over a couple of cocktails, I had two. Then I couldn't even talk to her. She knows nothing about my exBPD and I want to leave it that way. So I sat there feeling myself sinking and all I wanted to do was text him and tell him I love him. The urge to do that was so strong. I justified away all the reasons I've been NC for 3 months. I was so unsociable just wanted to go home and cry.

I came onto this site and a member supported me and I read a few posts. I didn't contact him. I went home to bed.

Lesson learned, not strong enough yet to put on a brave face. Not strong enough to drink alcohol. So glad I didn't act on my instinct at that time.

[corraline]

re alcohol

i have to stay away from drinking any kind of alcohol.  I had two glasses of wine a while back and sent him a very brief message. I started looking at his photo online and pics in my home and a t shirt he left here and got very melancholic, i cried and cried and cried . Not good for me and not good for him.

[toomanytears]

corraline, Narelian and woodsposse

Thanks so much for these words and reminders.

I do like to have a glass to unwind at the end of the day, But you're right, too much, and the effect is very weakening. It stops my right thinking.

Given that he used to drink heavily all the time, which severely distorted his already-distorted thinking, should be lesson enough for me.

I found I was able to control alcohol consumption in the first six months when I believed all this to be a relatively 'simple' separation to be followed by divorce. Once I found out about the OW, and his double life (revealed when he disclosured his bank accounts), I started to slip. By bad luck, at the exact same time, an unpleasant scenario began to play out at my work, so I've been badly rocked on both sides.

Thanks again for your experiences - as always it helps to hear that others are fighting the same battles... .

[wake up]

re alcohol

i have to stay away from drinking any kind of alcohol.  I had two glasses of wine a while back and sent him a very brief message. I started looking at his photo online and pics in my home and a t shirt he left here and got very melancholic, i cried and cried and cried . Not good for me and not good for him.

I only drink about once per month (but quite enjoy a few cocktails on those nights).  I always always break NC when I drink.  Now my strength in going no contact is extended to no drinking.  I can manage for a few months without drinking, keeping my happiness means that I can't drink!

I also found that just hesitating is good, if you write them a message don't send it straight away, tell yourself to think about it overnight.  Guaranteed you will delete without sending it the next day.  Whether it's kind or angry: it's attention, they love it and they feed off it.  They will always feel in control if you contact them.

I did something very brave yesterday after i nearly messaged him, I added a filter to my gmail which deletes all his emails before I see them.  It's a lifesaver because I'm no longer checking my emails every hour.

My husband saw 2 guys in a car outside our house last night though, I'm very concerned that it was him.  I never told him my address (even when so in love, something told me not to) but he knew the general area.   I worry that NC makes them do even more desperate things to get your attention... .   I have to go to university today, I will see him and he will possibly corner me but I will keep my best friend with me at all times.  We feel like secret agents sneaking around uni.

Can't wait until this stage is over

[Narellan]

Unfortunately I replaced alcohol with cigarettes when my marriage  ended. I relied on them for comfort and here I am 2 years later trying to give up that addiction too.

I do ok giving them up but any trigger or stress and I go buy another packet. One step at a time though. My priority at the moment is to heal then I will get fit and do the right thing by my body ( and lungs)

[Red Sky]

I was just thinking about this on corraline's thread. sometimes it seems easier on yourself, and perhaps on them, to stay than leave. I broke off my relationship almost immediately because I knew it would only end badly, but when I tried to end the friendship there was tears and accusations flying everywhere, my ex-boyfriend was trying to get involved... . And I shut it down the only way I could think of, by treading on eggshells for another few months before it all blew up in my face. So yeah, I stayed because of fear and I was 100% conscious that was why.

If you are someone who has been through years of disorienting and discombobulating behavior then your baseline for what's normal has gone totally out the window. That makes it hard to take any kind of action... . It's like one of those 'funhouses' you get at fairgrounds... . How do you take any steps forward when the floor is spinning?

To leave is a potential confrontation, which you have to be the one to start. By this point, you are probably adapted to minimize confrontations. When the trigger for confrontation can be anything, then that means your status quo is do nothing. Sometimes it's hard to know how you would even go about leaving.

[wake up]

I agree completely- of course it's easier to stay! That's why we have so many break ups and make ups :D The pain of breaking up with a pwBPD is soul destroying when you are not ready, even if you are... .   When two people are in such pain, even when they know the relationship is unhealthy, they will do anything to patch things up and relieve the pain.  If you were covered in burns and the morphine injection was just a phone call away would you suffer and wait for your skin to heal or would you pick up the phone?

When we break NC and get back with them it's kind of like our pain tolerance being a bit askew, we can't take any more pain because our partner has been hurting us too much and for too long.  We are too damaged already.  If my ex bf showed me his anger in the beginning I would have walked (or ran) and never looked back.  Only by damaging that part of me was he able to keep me hooked.  He was my drug, my morphine, I was addicted to the relief of getting back with him!  Every time i got back with my uBPDex bf I had gone NC for a month or so and lost hope that I would ever stop missing him. I didn't know about BPD.  I blamed myself a lot for the pain I was in.

With a good support system we won't hurt as much and will at least have hope that the pain will go away without the BPD person in our lives, we might even find other ways to relieve that pain (I'm alternating between weightlifting and chain-smoking oopsy).  I guess that's where planning is so important, and these boards are incredible for giving us courage to suffer through the pain and move on.   Any addiction is hard to give up, the more we are exposed to it, the longer it takes to get the 'drug' out of our system. NC and these boards are my savior right now

[Red Sky]

  stay strong! We are here to listen!

For me, every time I recycled, I noticed that my ex said something that made me feel vulnerable, even angry, and it knocked me sideways enough that returning to the relationship seemed like a good idea. Like I could win it eventually. I blamed myself for the approach I took, like you... . And I totally agree, the recycling seems to happen because you are just feel too hopeless. The pain of trying to haul yourself through each day alone, versus a few weeks where you know that your partner will be on their best behavior?

Losing the support system is the worst though. I ended up entirely concealing how dysfunctional my relationship was, because everyone in my life thought I just loved the drama. I could have terrible fights with my ex, the kind that leave you shaking, crying, completely broken, and then I would leave, redo my makeup, and say to someone else 'oh yes, I just had a LOVELY time with my bf.' I still act like nothing's wrong and then I come and vent on here but I'm still a bit deficient in real-life support.

[wake up]

 stay strong! We are here to listen!

For me, every time I recycled, I noticed that my ex said something that made me feel vulnerable, even angry, and it knocked me sideways enough that returning to the relationship seemed like a good idea. Like I could win it eventually. I blamed myself for the approach I took, like you... . And I totally agree, the recycling seems to happen because you are just feel too hopeless. The pain of trying to haul yourself through each day alone, versus a few weeks where you know that your partner will be on their best behavior?

Losing the support system is the worst though. I ended up entirely concealing how dysfunctional my relationship was, because everyone in my life thought I just loved the drama. I could have terrible fights with my ex, the kind that leave you shaking, crying, completely broken, and then I would leave, redo my makeup, and say to someone else 'oh yes, I just had a LOVELY time with my bf.' I still act like nothing's wrong and then I come and vent on here but I'm still a bit deficient in real-life support.

Oh god I did that too! One day I was crying, the next we were back together so I was laughing.  People must have really wondered about my sanity, so I stopped talking about the problems and didn't even tell people when we broke up since I couldn't face the embarrassment of getting back together!  I've never liked drama in my life before, my marriage involved only the healthy kind of fights... . The my ex bf seemed to feed off it.  I was so uneasy that I even wondered if I was bored when we hadn't fought in 2 weeks,  but then I realised that my anxiousness was because I was just waiting for the next weird bit of drama.

It's been a week and although I'm not sleeping well I feel happy inside myself, like life is getting better

[toomanytears]

Unfortunately I replaced alcohol with cigarettes when my marriage  ended. I relied on them for comfort and here I am 2 years later trying to give up that addiction too.

I do ok giving them up but any trigger or stress and I go buy another packet. One step at a time though. My priority at the moment is to heal then I will get fit and do the right thing by my body ( and lungs)

Hi Narelian

Have you tried e-cigarettes? Not as hazardous and good for a little puff or two behind the bike sheds when you need a hit...

[Narellan]

No I haven't tried them yet, but someone else recommended them. I've done a few weeks cold turkey here and there when I was with my BPD guy. He didn't like smoking even tho he smoked other varieties of things