Seriously Annoyed

[Exeter]

Alright its been awhile since I have posted, I have since went to two therapy sessions with a new(not the one with the ex) therapist and I have also finished reading all of the lessons and workshops in the Leaving a Relationship section.

Again short recap, Single Father who has Primary or Majority custody of 19 month old son, I have him during school year, exUBPDgf has him during the summer and during those times the opposite person gets them on the weekends.

My first therapy session went well, was told I do not have PTSD from this, new therapist could not clarify BPD yet generally said whether that disorder or something else this girl has serious issues.  Yeah there is a disorder and whether its BPD or Histrionic which is what I thought it was at first, I really don't care to much.

My second session the therapist said I don't really have any PTSD symptoms and I'm not even showing Depression symptoms, I am simply grieving like a normal person would over the end of their relationship.  Feeling very apathetic, angry at times, and no tears just pity for her pathetic choices.

Today was the day after that appointment and I had a mini-panic attack while driving, have not had one in a long time(can't even remember when).  I think it was flashbacks of her abuse and being assaulted by someone she cheated on me with over Mother's Day weekend.  Its also the day that I have to pick up my son from her here in the Summer and therefore its a day I dread only because I have to see her. 

When I do see her I feel anxiety and disgust.

I have moved on from leaving to completely left, yet while there is still this part in me that ruminates due to a strong faith that I only wish she would get better for our family I am doing everything possible to convince myself that there is no hope, however my problem is myself in that I am an optimist and believe anything is truly possible.

Today we just had a 34 text message discussion about picking my son up, and if he would be at her house at 6 PM.  She said 4 PM was the pick up time for the summer for him, yet today wanted to ask if she could keep him until 6 PM.  I said of course as long as he was going to be there for pickup?  She sends the text, I directly answer, and then she does not answer back, I send two more texts one asking and the other recanting then saying I will have to pick him up at 4 PM then since you won't verify where he will be.  THEN she of course responds immediately "6".

Again I contend, will he be at your house at 6 then?

No response.

Since we have a child together I have to deal with this b*tch and have some limited contact, however over Memorial Weekend you should be proud, I deleted her after 1 month of finding about her 3rd Affair, which since I moved out I believe will turn into her next failed relationship.  I deleted her from everything, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, and Facebook, and I deleted all of her family members and a few friends whom I think are "apologists" or sympathizers of hers.  I also removed all of the family videos we made including those of our son together off of youtube.  I downloaded them and will be moving them to a Flash Drive for future viewing should my son so choose.  I have not even glanced at her FB page since, since for some reason she would not delete me, and still has not blocked me like she did her Ex-Husband.

Back to story, so flipping annoying, she finally answers yes when I tell her its a yes/no question.  She tried calling twice when I called her out on her saying she couldn't text and drive... . well how did you send the first text, and if you cant text and drive then calling and driving isn't safe either.

Then she responds why do I have to be so immature about this and I say I have no desire or obligation to talk on the phone with an abusive, mentally ill, unhealthy person.  Then the debate wages on, and she says no one has told her she is ill a bunch of people have OCD and BiPolar, she claims she is continuing to get help just not on my insurance to make it confidential and is seeing the same therapist we used to.

She claimed at first that the office/therapist called and cancelled it since the relationship was over and it was a conflict of interest, yet I have emails from the therapist saying she never showed and she would get billed a no call/no show fee.  OK... . if she is actually telling the truth and the therapist cancelled the appointment, why would my insurance be charged?  I got a notification of insurance in the mail on the date she was supposed to go in, stating I was billed.  Why would a therapist cancel an appointment with a patient and then charge you for it?

That's like a damn restaurant cancelling your reservation and charging you for a meal.

The exBPDgf later claims in texts that she cancelled it herself and is seeing her directly not on my insurance so that its confidential.  < Ok so hasn't there been a lie established, you just said the therapist cancelled it, now you are saying you cancelled it.  BULLS*ITT

[imsodizzy]

Man im dealing with the same thing with the mother of mu child the beast advice i can give you is not engage and its damn hard not to but when you say yes or no just leave it at that

[Mutt]

My first therapy session went well, was told I do not have PTSD from this, new therapist could not clarify BPD yet generally said whether that disorder or something else this girl has serious issues.  Yeah there is a disorder and whether its BPD or Histrionic which is what I thought it was at first, I really don't care to much.

I'm with you on this. My ex is undiagnosed, I don't get hung up on diagnosis. It's up to me what types of toxic, controlling behavior I allow with people.

I think it was flashbacks of her abuse and being assaulted by someone she cheated on me with over Mother's Day weekend.  Its also the day that I have to pick up my son from her here in the Summer and therefore its a day I dread only because I have to see her.

When I do see her I feel anxiety and disgust.

This is adding insult to injury, infidelity is tough. I'm sorry. You were physically assaulted by your replacement?

I deleted her from everything, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, and Facebook, and I deleted all of her family members and a few friends whom I think are "apologists" or sympathizers of hers.

Wise choise. I say that because they may report back about your personal life to your ex, the less she knows about your personal life, the better. It's your personal life.

Here is a 2 min video on youtube on how extinction burst works

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqHfEJt1ZV4

Common Trap: Remember, you don't want to inadvertently give them intermittent reinforcement to dysregulated behavior. This is easy to do, and once established extremely difficult to unlearn.

Intermittent reinforcement: slot machines use this. They pay out on irregular schedules. You never know when you will win, but you know that if you keep pulling the handle that sooner or later a pay out will occur. It may happen on the third pull or the twentieth pull, but you will win if you keep trying. The fact that you KNOW that you will eventually win, keeps you hooked into trying.

What does this mean? If you tell your partner that you won't answer the phone while at work, and they call you 20 times, and you answer on the 21st attempt, you have just inadvertantly given them intermittent reinforcement. Now they know that if they bug you enough, that you will always eventually respond. This actually escalates the behavior you are trying to stop. They believe they can win if they just keep pulling the lever, even if they go broke trying, they will keep at it. The more irregular and unpredictable your response to them, the more they will keep trying. It is the combination of hoping they will get their way and not knowing when it will happen that keeps them trying.

How to discourage dysregulated behavior.?

Consistency in not responding is the only way to discourage undesired behavior... .

Your partner has to learn that  when you say no, that you mean no.  Any hint of weakness is a reward, encouraging him/her to continue trying.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Do you have a parenting order? Can you specify to change communication to email only? Do you have exchanges spelled out? I have my exchanges on Fridays, and it's specified to 630PM, it is flexible, but it's black and white on paper, it removes ambiguity. She can't interpret into the parenting order and it causes less conflict and minimizes the communications.

She keeps texting you because you are responding back. You need to set boundaries, it's difficult breaking the cycle with these exchanges, but if you set boundaries and advise her, it will get better. Another boundary can be to not respond. My heart goes out to you, this is emotionally exhausting and difficult for you.   You have a right to be annoyed! You can turn this around, don't engage.

[Exeter]

The answer to your questions, I was attacked by the guy I walked in on her on over Mothers Day Weekend last year, it was not a replacement it was serial cheating.  They did not have sex as I walked in before it happened, and told her to get her clothes on.  I looked away while she did and was assaulted by the guy because I did not have my eye on him.

Yes we have a custody agreement however it simply says communication with the child, and he's 19 months and cannot talk.  Therefore there is no reason why we need to talk on the phone.

It does not explicitly spell out texts, emails, phone calls, etc.  It is what it is, if I say no phone calls, I don't have to take them. 

Lastly you would not believe what she asked me today, after all that BS and lying crap, she asked me since the state sent her a letter in regard to the child support, she has to pay the back child support as well and asked me if I would pay her back for that since we were working on our relationship at that time and therefore that money would not have been paid.  I told her no.

Absolutely ridiculous, she's accountable and all sweet when she wants something, otherwise she is totally cruel and selfish, NOT SORRY, hope you can make those payments.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear about Mothers Day and your exe w/ money. The odacity sometimes,  it's entitlement and narcissistic / egocentric. I'm going through something similar with ex. She has to be accountable for herself and there's no need to rescue.  

It's good to hear that you uphold your boundaries and it's your choice if you want to pick up  or not. My ex disassociates, lying and distortions. I ask for emails so I can track, it can be hard to remember later on. I just keep it for records, in case I need it for court later. It's 2014, no need to talk on the phone. That's my preference.

An emotional affair is as bad as a physical affair. Promiscuity is to be expected with BPD and the inability to have a relationship in a mature capacity.