How to respond?

[Thunderstruck]

The CE sent an email asking for any final updates before she releases the report.

We purposely kept our response short and sweet "We are experiencing the same pattern of conflict" a.k.a. let's release this report already.

The CE sent us uBPDbm's laundry list of "final" accusations. We have a chance to respond but I'm not even sure where to start. We could very easily get mired in defending ourselves.

1) Accused DH of undermining her parenting and encouraging SD12 not to listen to or respect anyone at uBPDbm's house. This apparently was overheard while DH and SD were talking on the phone.

I don't know how we prove something we don't do? Of course DH wouldn't say anything like that. He rarely gets to talk to SD12 and when he does, it's usually because uBPDbm isn't home. It's also a violation of the court order for uBPDbm to listen in on their phone calls, but anyway... .This seems like a combination of projection and uBPDbm being upset over SD12's growing independence. From what SD has said, there has been a lot of conflict in their place lately.

2) SD12 says she has been "hacking" which leads uBPDbm to believe we have been hacking her email and social media, that DH was trying to get their wifi password from SD12, I create fake profiles to send her messages, and that DH harasses her on Our Family Wizard.

Holy paranoia! First of all, SD12 and her sister and their friends misuse the word "hacking". They think that if they go on someone else's phone and post something into an already signed in account that they've "hacked" the account. (like say I give my phone to SD, she goes on my facebook and posts a selfie, she'd then say "you've been hacked!". SD also thinks she "hacks" one of her games by using codes to change colors and fonts... .DH looked over her shoulder and saw that it was actually html coding so they googled different html codes (different ways to change the fonts, mostly).

SD brought her phone to uBPDbm's house for the first time ever (she just got the phone in August but we've been sloowly easing her into it, giving her more and more responsibility with the phone). In order to conserve data he suggested she connect to their wifi. She didn't know the password so she asked uBPDbm's male roommate for the password. They hung up the phone while logging her in so DH didn't hear the password.

How do DH and I have time to hack emails and create fake profiles and whatever else with a newborn and a toddler and a 12 year old to raise, in addition to me working full time and DH going to school? ::eyeroll emoji::

The "harassment" on Our Family Wizard is DH asking for his nightly court ordered phone call, which he rarely receives.

3) She talked about DH wanting to remove SD from school for three days and that she said no and that DH "somehow disagreed" and then got hostile. Then claims that she just wants him to leave her alone.

Nowhere in that paragraph does she mention that the reason DH wanted to remove SD from school for three days was to attend her grandfather's memorial. Or that not only did uBPDbm emphatically disallow SD from attending, but she went above and beyond to prevent it by violating the court order and pulling SD out of school the night before we were supposed to leave and kept SD from us on DH's parenting time.


So... .what do you guys think our response should be? Should we address these accusations?

[takingandsending]

I believe that you should respond if the CE report will be a court record. It won't do any good to explain to uBPDbm, but I would want the record to show clearly and concisely what transpired. You needn't prove anything any more than she can prove anything. She has stated accusations to the CE. You are being given a change to rebut them.

1) Disagree. We work toward putting SD's needs first. Undermining either parent places SD in the middle, which we strive to prevent to the best of our abilities.
2) We provided SD with her first smart phone in August. To conserve data usage, we suggested SD connect with residential home wifi. We asked for wifi password from ___ and phone was hung up when SD was logged in. We do not have wifi password nor desire to have it. We have used Our Family Wizard to ask for the nightly court ordered phone call (is there a record of typical request - if so, include). Typically, we are given ___ calls per week, which violates the court order. We have no other contact and use no other profiles to send SD or birth mom messages.
3) We requested SD attend her grandfather's memorial service, which required a 3 day absence from school. (Birth mom) denied request. Additionally, court order parenting time was violated when SD was not allowed to come to our home at that time.

Hope this helps. How frustrating, but from the wording of the statements, it sounds as if the CE has caught on to uBPDbm's mental instability.

[flourdust]

I agree that you should respond. I know you're justifiably scared of doing anything that might drag this process out further. As guidance, I'd suggest responding only to correct errors or give context to misleading claims. Do so as briefly and dispassionately as possible. Attach evidence if you can (emails, texts). Do not introduce new issues or expand to other examples.

I really hope you get that report soon!

[cdizzle]

No advice (I think the previous commenters said it all), but sending you warm wishes and luck! I've read quite a few of your threads and O.M.G. what a pain -- I hope this is all resolved for you soon!

[DoxieLover]

Thunder,


I agree with everyone else's comments for the most part but I would suggest a few tweaks as follows:
1 - I would point out that DH would never say something like this but that unfortunately you don't have any proof to offer just as you suspect BPD mom doesn't have proof. However in order to avoid any he said/she said on issues like this going forward, perhaps it would be best if both parties follow the court order and stick to not listening in on conversations between the child and the other parent.

2 - Again, if I were you, I would point out that DH hung up the phone before the wifi password was given but since you have no proof that DH does not have the password, perhaps BPD mom would feel more comfortable changing her wifi password and giving it to child the next time child visits.

3 - I would definitely point out that you have not harassed BPD Mom and that CE is more than welcome to look at the communications log in OFW and she will see that contact largely focuses on when DH can have his nightly court ordered phone call.  And then I would suggest that since there seems to be confusion on when these phone calls are supposed to take place, perhaps the parties should agree upon a set schedule/time for them to take place so there is no confusion.

Anyway, just my thoughts. I was trying to think of how you could refute the ridiculous accusations but not look like you are blaming BPD Mom (even though she COMPLETELY deserves it) and come across as a problem solver at the same time.  Hope this makes sense.

Good luck!
Doxie
Oh and I would definitely say the 3 days out of school were for grandfather's funeral and mention that although you were disappointed that BPD Mom would not allow child to go "say goodbye" to her grandfather, it is unacceptable that she withheld child for visitation.  And then if you can suggest a consequence when either party denies the other party's possession such as double time in return or denied party gets to choose make up time without other party's consent, that might be good too. It shows problem solving but also that you are serious about getting the time you are entitled to.

[Thunderstruck]

Ok - sent! Thank you all for input! 

Even after 3 years we agonize over what to write to the CE. At this point, there's probably not much that would change her recommendation.

Ok now... .more waiting. Cross those fingers please!

[flourdust]

Fingers crossed!

[Panda39]

... .and toes, and arms, and legs, and eyes... . 

Panda39

[flourdust]

Hi, Thunderstruck! It's been two months since the latest promise from the CE to release the report. Did you get it?

[Thunderstruck]

Hi, Thunderstruck! It's been two months since the latest promise from the CE to release the report. Did you get it?

No.  

Our L spoke with the CE a week and a half ago and she promised to deliver early last week. Still no word from her.

If I had a dollar for every time the CE promised the report and didn't deliver, I'd have a retainer to hire another CE!

[flourdust]

I think it's long past time to stop asking and waiting, in the hopes that this will somehow come through, and start threatening and demanding. Have your lawyer send a demand letter - she has until close of business tomorrow to turn over the report or all of her notes and drafts, or you will sue her for both the cost of the evaluation and damages (lost time, legal fees, etc.).

I don't expect you'll get the report, but you may get the notes and drafts which you can use.

It's time to either move on from being stuck in permanent limbo with this CE, or accept that you have decided to let the CE end the custody process and that custody will continue forward as it has been without any changes.