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Author Topic: The Flaw they find in you is love  (Read 7501 times)
Changingman
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« Reply #30 on: June 03, 2014, 02:42:21 AM »

I do think sometimes like a child mine was play acting. I read an email to a coworker/'friend' the day after she started an affair. Everyone was worried as she dropped of the map, told me crying she may have taken some odd drug, I was scared she had been in an accident. The email had all the joy and sense of drama of a child... . 'no I'm ok just slept of a hangover,  (me) went mad'

Pain as drama

There was no remorse or thoughts of me worrying about her, just a joy in the drama. Fantasy, I think mine could hardly feel any emotional depth if at all. The pain she put everyone through was strange to her. A fantasy game each player an object. The rest was excuses to fool everyone else she was human, feeling real human emotions.

'We haven't really been going out for a year'

'I love you but I'm not in love with you'

'People can't stay together just for dogs'

Fantasy is all they can stand or understand, it is simple. love is real. I just realised most of her conversations to other people were about how much she loved me, to cover up her lack of self. My friends, family and colleagues were infiltrated by her pretense to love me. Yuck, I need a shower.

Yes Blim, I think they live fantasy and hate the real. Envy others in love, fear and hate disguised as love.

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« Reply #31 on: June 03, 2014, 08:30:50 AM »

i think my exBPD was jealous of me. i did not realize it initially though.

during the idealization phase, she was victimizing herself telling me her stories with exs. she has a long black history  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) . anyway, i was silent i did not know how to react. she was like "stories are freaky right?" i was like "not much. i just dont want to appear giving you sympathy. i am more empathetic though." she was like "OH MY GOD YOU CAN EVEN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM. YOU ARE SO GREAT." sounded weird but i skipped  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) .


On more than an occasion, i would appreciate myself (in a healthy way) and she would be like "you love yourself too much. you think high of yourself. how are you always doing that?" i see that she was trying to both wear my self esteem and at the same time she was really questioning something she was lacking. love of self.


during the devaluation phase, she has been Triangulation with her ex. she tried to convince me that they have this "special friendship"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) . she was trying to tease me by saying "ex bought a new house in slovenia. he is asking me to go visit. i am thinking of doing so." i was like "do not you see that this gesture has more than friendship intentions from his side?" she was like "yes it is obvious but i am totally just his friend." i was like "but you have broke up with him like only 3 months ago. I think he does not get it. don't you think that going to slovenia checking his new house would give him false hope of any re ignition." she said "I DO NOT CARE. I WANT TO SEE SLOVENIA AND EUROPE. HE IS AN OLD MAN AND HE SHOULD BE KNOWING WHAT HE IS DOING." it felt like i was struck with a lighting at that moment.


sometimes they are lucid. during a crazy making session she started crying and telling me friend "I am a miserable woman with a miserable life. I do not want him involved in this. I think he is better off without me." she can see her pattern. she can see that there is something wrong with her. she was trying to be as honest as much as her disorder would allow her to. but still she discarded me in a moment without remorse as 'i am a grown up man and i should be knowing what i am doing'
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« Reply #32 on: June 03, 2014, 10:53:38 AM »

but still she discarded me in a moment without remorse as 'i am a grown up man and i should be knowing what i am doing'

she said some ish like that to me too. But after the break up when I was being strung along and I was possibly going to be recycled but her histrionic narcissist friend was going to ditch me 25 miles from home because she refused to meet me at a fountain in the middle of the convention center we were at.  They wanted me to meet them at a place they didn't know how to even describe. I said "Fug off Ill walk back" they ended up waiting in a cocos or something a 10 minute walk away and I met them there. Her friend was sitting their waiting b___ing about me on the phone to her gf about how inconsiderate I was.  When I got their I kept my cool because I didn't want to make a scene.  later I got black out drunk and told her friend off through texts.  She has been feeding her this whole spiel about me behind my back that she starts to parrot now. "your a grown man you should know blah blah... . "  I said "the older you get the more it hurts when you are betrayed because you understand what you are feeling more"
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« Reply #33 on: June 03, 2014, 12:20:52 PM »

Take a look at the light. We aren't perfect thats for damn sure but you better believe that they resent you for what they do not have. Fact of the matter is she was jealous of your light dude. She does not want you to see it for yourself. None of them do. Once they figure out just what kind of heart you have they want to taint it to bring you down a notch. This is my firm belief. I do have sympathy for them I really do or I wouldn't be on this site and would have dropped her ass with the first raging episode I saw. I have more sympathy right now for us though. People who believed in they're abilities and wanted them to believe in it as well. There was nothing wrong with you trying to treat her like an adult. You would be doing her a great disservice if you didn't treat her like an adult. They do need validation but they are simply not children. How does a child ever grow into an adult if you continuously treat them like a child. You did good man. The best you could do.

My exBPDgf literally told me after two cases of infidelity that "she hoped I never realized that I was worth more than this."  Or that "she hoped I never realized my self-worth is way more than this". 

Near verbatim, it was a few months after the second time, however she literally said it.  Almost as if she did not want me to notice "the light" we are referencing here and wanted to make sure I stayed in her dark oubliette with her.
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« Reply #34 on: June 03, 2014, 01:52:14 PM »

The second thing she said resonated with me even more as I think it is true for most of us judging from the stories I have read. She said they know your real worth and see it in you but at the same time they know that you don't see your real worth either. They do not want you to ever see the real worth in yourself because if you did they fear you would be gone from they're life because they themselves feel lackluster. I know for myself and Im sure many others on here I saw light inside of my ex and I wanted the opposite. I wanted her to see it as well not destroy it or tarnish it.

This is one of the truest things I have read on this site, and one of the most valuable, because I think it's the one from which many of us (or at least certainly I) can learn the most.  All of us here: plenty of people in the world see the worth in us.  Many of us don't see it ourselves.  And so we are vulnerable to involvement with people who will (consciously or not) take advantage of this trait in us in order to feed their own psychological needs.

Until we really see and believe in our own worth, we will continue to be vulnerable to such people.  This is why we really must focus on ourselves. 
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« Reply #35 on: June 03, 2014, 07:32:06 PM »

wow, the waif sounds very different from the types of people you all delt with.  I don't think I would be able to get close to any of those other types of borderlines.  the waifs told me what they wanted from me until I stopped creating their fantasy world. then they resented me forever after that.  they are honest in their desires and wants from you in the beginning.

I thougt long and hard about what was real and what was not real.  I saw them lead other guys on and tell me that's all guys want so I make them think that because I have no friends. At the time it was the truth.  The also had other guys they would want to f*** that were called "like a brother." they always had these guys mentally on the back burner even if they never were in touch with them. If you confessed love to them as one of these back burner guys you basically lose respect in her eyes she doesn't want to deal with love its to complex.

At the same time she just wants to feel loved and needed blah blah. BUt really she just wants a lead role in the movie of your creation.  you at the drivers wheel calling the shots. No, wonder they end up with narccisists and pshychopaths!  

Think of that French movie Amalie.  I think Amalie is a borderline waif.


My BPD ex was a waif. They are not honest and upfront dude. They hide behind playing weak to cover lies. In my opinion they are the worst type. Sort of a wolf in sheeps clothing. It is very hard for an empathetic type person to not fall into the pity party and think that things are your fault that obviously arent. Mine was an expert on the pity party and probably to this day could have me feeling sorry or guilty for something of her own doing. From what Ive read they are also the hardest to treat too.
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« Reply #36 on: June 03, 2014, 08:39:13 PM »

The last time I saw my ex (night we broke up) she made belittling comments towards me telling me to take her off this pedestal I placed her on (Very strange having told me I was so amazing to her and her family), that she thought I was very fake and that there was no way I could be this nice of a person; that I was not genuine  The last time I saw her, she was so cold and distant. I heard stories from people on this board writing about their SO's eyes being as dark and full of hatred as can be. I kid you not, they are not lying. It's as if my ex was possessed, even her face hadn't looked the same (very angry as if I did something beyond horrific to her). Looking back at it all now, I see how blinded I was about her and how unfaithful I was to my own health and well being. She was projecting her guilt onto me due to the fact that she was Triangulation me with her ex and who else... .

It's so terrible to see so many people suffer through this ordeal with someone they truly loved. Everyone's situation's on these boards are all very similar in nature;  I agree with everyone on this post. They want you to love them and commit 100% to their wants and needs (bottomless pit of validation), but the minute they have you, you're suddenly labeled as being needy, suffocating, selfish, controlling. This whole experience with my ex has really wanted me to change my own self worth and set firmer boundaries.

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« Reply #37 on: June 03, 2014, 09:24:24 PM »

confused a lot,

I remember when I decided to go with my gut and I just couldn't trust her and push her away.  I kept messeging her, "stop lying be real with me"

she kept messaging back, "Ive never lied to you [blimblam]" 

I would respond, "now that's a lie! just be real with me"

I stated texting, "look I know. just be real"

She sent me this snapchat of her eye upclose with the most angry look like enraged with the text, "what do you mean?"

I messaged back "ew"

that's the moment it really ended.
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« Reply #38 on: June 04, 2014, 06:40:22 AM »

~Blimblam

You are 100% correct. Always trust your gut instinct. I only wish I had, my heart, brain, and other parts of my body were talking, but the one thing I wasn't listening to (more like I purposely ignored) was that strong inner voice... .
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« Reply #39 on: June 04, 2014, 07:36:55 AM »

confused a lot,

I remember when I decided to go with my gut and I just couldn't trust her and push her away.  I kept messeging her, "stop lying be real with me"

she kept messaging back, "Ive never lied to you [blimblam]" 

this is the initial conversation of my break up call. "i have never lied to you." i was about to snort out of laughter.
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« Reply #40 on: June 04, 2014, 10:06:51 AM »

I am getting to the party late, but I have been keeping up with this thread.  Great insight.  I recall reading another forum on a similar topic and a poster put it this way... . The BPDs treat relationships like little children playing dolls/dollhouse.  My situation suddenly made more sense.  They truly have the emotional maturity of a young child. 
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« Reply #41 on: June 04, 2014, 10:27:42 AM »

I recall reading another forum on a similar topic and a poster put it this way... . The BPDs treat relationships like little children playing dolls/dollhouse.

Omg yes. This actually makes perfect sense. There were so many times that my ex tried to 'pose' me like a doll sitting in a dollhouse... . She would do things like push me to sign up for sports events because she wanted to play the supportive partner cheering from the sidelines.
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« Reply #42 on: June 04, 2014, 02:15:51 PM »

I recall reading another forum on a similar topic and a poster put it this way... . The BPDs treat relationships like little children playing dolls/dollhouse.

Omg yes. This actually makes perfect sense. There were so many times that my ex tried to 'pose' me like a doll sitting in a dollhouse... . She would do things like push me to sign up for sports events because she wanted to play the supportive partner cheering from the sidelines.

Yes and part of me was addicted to this feeling.  I still am and in fact I think if I was able to rebuild myself up strong again and the timing was right she would want to recycle me just so she could once again play doll house. And find the center in me chew it up and leave.  When I think about all her advice about wanting me to heal and get everything in my life to a point she would be attracted to me and respect me again.  Which would take years probably. I think I would be able to relive the beginning stages but it would end the same way.  I think that is her nature and now that I am in a weak state the only type of friendship possible is a form of devAluing and to be used to triangulate.  If she sensed I was strong enough to take on the role of her main squeeze it would only be to take my energy and leave me empty.

So I have come to my own realization is that the pain and anguish I and distrust is the feeling of my me feeling her demon.  And the part of me coming back for more is my inner demon. The part of me saying do not trust her is my broken shattered self desperately wanting to rebuild and build up energy.  She wants me to rebuild energy and stay in her life but not for me only so she can feed off of it again in the future if she feels the need to.  

I have the feeling that the only role a borderline can maintain is as the mistress to a psychopath. While the psychopaths main squeeze is a codependent.  The psychopath will constantly find new main squeezes to be the new source of energy for them to feed off of.  The psychopath male is the vampire and the borderline female is the succubi. 
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« Reply #43 on: June 04, 2014, 03:05:30 PM »

I have the feeling that the only role a borderline can maintain is as the mistress to a psychopath. While the psychopaths main squeeze is a codependent.  The psychopath will constantly find new main squeezes to be the new source of energy for them to feed off of.  The psychopath male is the vampire and the borderline female is the succubi.  

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental condiciton where people experience reckless / impulsive, dysregulated emotions, unstable interpersonal relationships.

Sociopath is a medical condition that results in people's way of thinking/ dealing with situations / perceving situations and become destructive. A sociopath has difficulty distinguishing between right and wrong.

Blimblam,

I'm having difficulties understanding and maybe you can clarify? I've seen your posts across the boards with similar messages. I'm co-dependent and I was enmeshed with a PD. I'm neither a sociopath or psychopath. Granted yes, a PD can attach to another PD and that is correct but are you saying that a borderline enmeshes / attaches with sociopaths? Vampires and sucubbi?
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« Reply #44 on: June 04, 2014, 03:15:06 PM »

Well my theory is this, and really it's not even my theory it's based of of psychologist Carl Jung and Joseph campbell. That archetypes have existed for thousands of years to describe aspects of the human psyche. Over time we create new labels to describe conditions of the psyche that have always existed. It's sort of like Joseph Campbell and his there's of mythology are always the same story of the hero and they encounter the same types of obstacles.  Even the different types of borderlines types Are named after existing archetypes from stories.  

I think vampires and succubi are prexisting archetypes for these types of PDs.  So if we look at the relationships from these mythologies and think it can shine light how the relationship dynamics of these people work.  

Think about the Greek myth the oddysy and the sirens and the witch.  The phrase a wolf in sheeps clothing from little red riding hood.  Even the labels they use in psychology today are often rooted in mythology.

It makes me think if that phrase, " there is nothing new under the sun"

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« Reply #45 on: June 04, 2014, 03:34:45 PM »

I have the feeling that the only role a borderline can maintain is as the mistress to a psychopath. While the psychopaths main squeeze is a codependent.  The psychopath will constantly find new main squeezes to be the new source of energy for them to feed off of.  The psychopath male is the vampire and the borderline female is the succubi.  

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental condiciton where people experience reckless / impulsive, dysregulated emotions, unstable interpersonal relationships.

Sociopath is a medical condition that results in people's way of thinking/ dealing with situations / perceving situations and become destructive. A sociopath has difficulty distinguishing between right and wrong.

Blimblam,

I'm having difficulties understanding and maybe you can clarify? I've seen your posts across the boards with similar messages. I'm co-dependent and I was enmeshed with a PD. I'm neither a sociopath or psychopath. Granted yes, a PD can attach to another PD and that is correct but are you saying that a borderline enmeshes / attaches with sociopaths? Vampires and sucubbi?

Blimblam, i think i may get what you are saying to a certain degree? It sounds like you are saying that a pwBPD is seeking someone to fulfill an unrealistic, immature fantasy. And that a socio/psychopath is a person who would willingly do this for a pwBPD to take advantage of them.

A few thoughts on this--I kind of had these thoughts myself. I thought, OK so this pwBPD exists and they will cheat/lie/abuse to keep their fantasy world alive. But it would be so easy for a person to exploit this need in them with a higher level of cheat/lie/abuse -- is this striking a chord?

As far as the socio/psychopath, I think you're talking about a Romeo Pimp. These low-lifes create the fantasy that they are sweet, passionate and caring partners to young girls before revealing their sadistic and violent side to make the young girl into profitable prostitutes:

www.alameda.patch.com/groups/police-and-fire/p/so-young-oaklands-romeo-pimps-lure-teen-girls

Romeo Pimps are a serious threat with sex trafficking of young girls (as well as "Gorilla Pimps", yet this type is easy to spot since they simply use violence and threats... . their manipulation is more obvious than Romeo type).

Here's the thing to think about though -- we have a tendency to want to think our ex's are stupid when they aren't. If your exes are being pimped out by sociopaths, then ok that's where she's at. If she's not though--then she's a survivor and in fact, she's the one doing the pimping :-)

And you also have to look at your own pain from the frustration and betrayal of these women. Is it possible some part of you wants to see your ex get completely lost in a r/s with a sociopath as payback and validation for what they put you through? i'm not saying this in an accusatory tone i had a lot of these thoughts too as bad as they are.

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« Reply #46 on: June 04, 2014, 03:41:17 PM »

I see where you are coming from. 

And no I don't want payback. I just wish she could see and understand I still want to protect her from these narcisists.  But I noticed that she willing submits to them. Her female narcissist friend brought a lot of clarity on this for me.  And how when I upset the narcissist how she would hurt me through my BPD ex. 
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« Reply #47 on: June 04, 2014, 03:58:46 PM »

The strange thing is my need to want to protect her keeps me under her spell. I am trying to see things as they are to be able to let go.  I think within these myths And stories of archetypes a lot of the dynamics of how these relationships work are revealed. It helps me to understand what happened.  

Think about dragons and dinosaur bones.  Most of these myths are rooted in things that exist today.  

We are all the lead character in our own life. In essence we are our own hero.  Like odysious in the oddysy and these "villains" are metaphors for people that would steal our energy and time to keep us trapped to feed off of us.

I don't see her as evil but rather a tormented soul with a demon inside her.  She often has given me good advice when I tried to seek closure and understanding from her.  When she says things like "you will have to find that for yourself. I can't help you".  This is the truth. She will only complicate me find the center in me chew it up and leave.  Because I have a center while she does not.  My demon inside me is the codependent who masochistcly comes back for more.  If I had no demon if I was healthy I would have left a long time ago or not ignored the red flags In the beginning.  Or throughout the relationship.
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« Reply #48 on: June 04, 2014, 04:14:42 PM »

I see where you are coming from.

And no I don't want payback. I just wish she could see and understand I still want to protect her from these narcisists.  But I noticed that she willing submits to them. Her female narcissist friend brought a lot of clarity on this for me.  And how when I upset the narcissist how she would hurt me through my BPD ex.

The strange thing is my need to want to protect her keeps me under her spell. I am trying to see things as they are to be able to let go.  I think within these myths And stories of archetypes a lot of the dynamics of how these relationships work are revealed. It helps me to understand what happened.

Think about dragons and dinosaur bones.  Most of these myths are rooted in things that exist today.

We are all the lead character in our own life. In essence we are our own hero.  Like odysious in the oddysy and these "villains" are metaphors for people that would steal our energy and time to keep us trapped to feed off of us.

I'm sorry. I understand Blimblam, you want to rescue / protect her from pitfalls of narcisisist / sociopaths ?

Do you have a thread somewhere explaining your backstory? What happened between the two of you, your history together? What are the players? Maybe I missed it.

I've heard you talk a lot about her, I understand in this context a little about you now. You love her and you are trying to protect her.
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« Reply #49 on: June 04, 2014, 04:23:34 PM »

I just want myself back.  To be free from this pain.  I'll explain my story soon.  I'm on an iPhone right now. 

I want to let this go.  Part of me the demon or addict wants to protect her and save her and for the fantasy to work. 

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« Reply #50 on: June 04, 2014, 05:08:08 PM »

I just want myself back.  To be free from this pain.  I'll explain my story soon.  I'm on an iPhone right now. 

I want to let this go.  Part of me the demon or addict wants to protect her and save her and for the fantasy to work. 

I'm sorry to hear the pain that you are in. It's tough. A break-up from a borderline is  such a painful experience, you may be suddenly cut out of their lives or "split black" your name is smeared to family and friends and his/her actions are projected on you and there might of been an exit affair or infidelity. You can get yourself back Blimblam by detaching. Explain when it's convenient for you, but it helps to know your backstory for the community to help.
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« Reply #51 on: June 04, 2014, 05:08:35 PM »

so my thinking is this.

my desire for her to have a loyal honest relationship is my own need.  She recognizes this and wanted to keep me around so she tried to be this person for me and ended up resenting me for it. So, I was needy.  She wasn't being true to herself in this. So, she discarded me. She wants to have a harem to triangulate with and a main person to have her fantasy with. This is who she is and I can not change it.

She seems to be submissive to narcisissts. On the extreme end of narcissism is the sociopath. Sociopaths and narcisissts create a fantasy of who they want to be perceived as and a borderline can give them the NS of validation they need.  But eventually the borderline can possibly be too needy for the sociopath to want to deal with.  So, a relationship where the narcissist and the borderline as the mistress created the triangle they create anyways.  The borderline in her neediness will find nons to leach energy off of and the narcissist or sociopath will find nons to leach of as well. I don't think the Narcisist borderline relationship would work on its own because neither of them can provide that genuine creative energy they need to feed off of.
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« Reply #52 on: June 04, 2014, 08:57:30 PM »

I just took the depression test found in the links in the right and Im in extreme depression... . great  

really this girl brought the absolute worst out of me! It shocks myself even.
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« Reply #53 on: June 04, 2014, 10:41:43 PM »

blimblam you are mentioning narcissists and sociopaths a lot. just so we understand a bit more, how do you know that your ex is involved with narcissists and/or sociopaths? have these men/women been diagnosed as such? do you know of their diagnosis or behavior beyond anything she may have said herself? i'm just trying to understand what qualifies her other partners as having PDs also, and how you came to know this.
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« Reply #54 on: June 04, 2014, 11:55:10 PM »

blimblam you are mentioning narcissists and sociopaths a lot. just so we understand a bit more, how do you know that your ex is involved with narcissists and/or sociopaths? have these men/women been diagnosed as such? do you know of their diagnosis or behavior beyond anything she may have said herself? i'm just trying to understand what qualifies her other partners as having PDs also, and how you came to know this.

Ive hung out with her female friend enough to know.  Inittially she didn't like me because she knew I saw through her.

As for her exs I have met a few of them.  there are two who I have seen the look in their eyes, and I felt that dead emptiness.  Also a bunch of stuff I sent her in messages on facebook like photos or things I talked about I looked at his FB page and shortly after the message all of a sudden shortly after that date he would have somehow one uped me with a photo he found on the internet  of the content matter I brought up.  All her exs know her password.

Also the things those guys did like their stories were all like premeditated Triangulations and all the things insiduas traits of the cluster B.  Listening to any of them talk I could just smell bullish. Just so many red flags one after another. These guys were obvious scumbags. The people I met that were in relationships with them were completely screwed over.

The two I never met Her dad Hated them.  I saw their photos the dead empty look was very obvious.  Like chills down my spine obvious. My half brother I grew up with is a narcissistic sociopath I know the look well.  The stories her dad told me of the behaviors they pulled were just so wrong on so many levels. The stories she told me of them she had not painted them black but was just wrong they were leaching lying stealing cheating thieves. With no regard to the path of destruction they made.

Some narcissists and sociopaths are very obvious. I really can not stand narcissistic personalities It triggers something in me to want to tell them off and expose them.  Every word that comes out of their mouth is just so fake, manipulative and empty. When someone is obviously selfish It really bothers me. The virtues I admire in people are above all humbleness, authenticity, and compassion.

I think its just when a woman validates me the way a borderline waif can I just become blinded. I think something about the pity complex activates codepent traits in me, if they deliver it the right way.

In fact in my family My dad will often joke to me that we are the only normal ones.  He actually really means it though.  My step mother is narcissistic but not npd but her empathy level is low, as well as her intelligence.
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« Reply #55 on: June 05, 2014, 12:17:08 AM »

i see. also it's good that you are able to recognize certain aspects of yourself that get you involved with BPD waif types (validation/codepence/etc).

When someone is obviously selfish It really bothers me. The virtues I admire in people are above all humbleness, authenticity, and compassion.

there is a wise saying that maturity comes when we realize the world is the way it is, not the way we want it to be.

i think we should look at who your ex really is, as far as her behaviors and history. ok, so let's say she's a waif BPD, we can put that to the side. from your description she also keeps company with exactly the type of selfish/narcissistic people that drive you crazy. she doesn't do this because she's 'good but broken', she's doing this because she wants to. apparently she's had a good many people like this in her life and sounds like she's going right back to them. if she's so comfortable around this type then obviously she is very much like them. perhaps she doesn't have the blank stare of a sociopath but something in it apparently pulls her to it as strong as you are pulled into her BPD waif-ness.

in short--it's common for us to speak about all the negative aspects of your ex's past/future partners. but my question is, ok, so then what does that make your ex? treat yourself tenderly, but remove that mask and yank that pedestal from under your perception of this woman.

she loves narcs/sociopaths and they make your skin crawl. she is the way she is, not the way we want her to be.
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« Reply #56 on: June 05, 2014, 12:33:44 AM »

i see. also it's good that you are able to recognize certain aspects of yourself that get you involved with BPD waif types (validation/codepence/etc).

When someone is obviously selfish It really bothers me. The virtues I admire in people are above all humbleness, authenticity, and compassion.

what does that make your ex? treat yourself tenderly, but remove that mask and yank that pedestal from under your perception of this woman.

she loves narcs/sociopaths and they make your skin crawl. she is the way she is, not the way we want her to be.

this is what I am coming to terms with.  I went through a long drawn out 5 month internal debate about all this in my mind. Her gas lighting me the entire time.  Thinking to myself birds of a feather flock together.

A few weeks back I decided I couldn't trust her and if anything she has gotten to be a much worst at everything I dislike about her.  So I ended it a week before we were to go to a music festival together sleep in the same tent all that.  I had heavy regrets but My gut just told me.  There were so many times my gut told me the truth and she would gas light me.  The mistake was a very human error, wanting to trust someone you love and care about. 
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« Reply #57 on: June 05, 2014, 12:37:30 AM »

My ex was desperate to be loved, to feel love. He pushed so hard for it, gloating in glee when I said I love you back. He was ecstatic. But in the end, yes I was " so desperate to be loved" " so desperate for a relationship" " needy" " smothering me" very confusing and sad.
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