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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Did you notice a smile or a creepy look of satisfaction?  (Read 8562 times)
AwakenedOne
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« on: June 04, 2014, 08:35:22 PM »

Do BPD's get some sick joy, entertainment or a satisfaction out of cheating, lying and physical violence on us? I keep reading comments from members here that seem to express that they do.

Did you notice a smile when hit, a smile when lied too, a look of enjoyment of getting even with you/revenge or a smile in delight as they demeaned you in an attempt to mentally break you or a look of satisfaction that you found out they cheated?

In my case I noticed many times my (uBPDstbxw) went out of her way to try to break me (for example: saying my dead family members who I loved actually hated me when they were alive etc... . )and while doing this she seemed so relaxed (It was a look like a person would have if they just ate a nice dinner and had a relaxed smile on their face) while verbally abusing me and telling me I am a worthless speck of dust. I looked in her eyes and saw what I believe to be what I would call a relaxed enjoyment.

I noticed she seemed at some points to get some form of satisfaction and relief/enjoyment(?) out of hitting me.

I noticed when she got caught in lies she would have this smile, it wasn't a deer in the headlights or hand in cookie jar being caught smile, it was weirder, like a relaxed satisfaction smile.

It wasn't over the top obvious but I feel it was really there.

Any of you all experience anything like this?

Peace,

AO
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2014, 08:43:48 PM »

I didn't get this so much while in the relationship.  But, after I got out, my ex went out of her way to smile or chuckle whenever I brought up something that she knew was painful to me.  I don't know whether she got joy out of it, or whether the chuckling was just a defense against the shame she felt.  I tend to believe it was the latter.  But, regardless, she was not able to confront in a healthy way the fact that she had hurt me and others, despite how much she did so. 
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Cardinals in Flight
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« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2014, 09:01:02 PM »

I got a certain body part pierced early in the "r/s", the look of shear delight on my Xs face while I was temporarily in great pain was disturbing.  I later saw that same look many times when she knew I was in emotional pain. 

Wow, if I knew then, what I know now... .

CiF
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« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2014, 09:07:28 PM »

Duper's delight... . from my pwBPD you bet, many times.

My NPD father was worse person I have seen about doing it. When his mother died, he turned and grinned a big grin at his family... truly sick.
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« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2014, 11:15:02 PM »

yes!

my ex never hit me, but she abused me plenty through gas lighting, projecting, belitteling me.  Also in this way I don't know how to describe maybe its the walking on eggshells feeling. I was under a spell of sorts a puppet she manipulated through nonverbal behaviors.  The little smirk she would make sometimes so faint it was undetectable but in her eyes. she always had a smirk when she manipulated me. eventualy the smirk itself would cause me pain... . How could someone do that to someone they love?
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« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2014, 11:27:36 PM »

The little smirk she would make sometimes so faint it was undetectable but in her eyes. she always had a smirk when she manipulated me. eventualy the smirk itself would cause me pain... . How could someone do that to someone they love?

You have described perfectly what I saw. Same thing about the smirk causing pain too.

All my good memories of my ex are overshadowed now by this creepy horror movie stuff. She didn't love me even though she married me. "I love you", ya right. She is the queen of lies. Queen/Witch.
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« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2014, 11:31:31 PM »

I saw a sort of smirk once, when he'd baited me with the quick vision of a certain someone's name at the top of his text messages... . I teared up and he noticed, but when he asked me if I was crying, I lied and said no. His son was sitting with us, and I didn't want to get into it just then.  When we got off the train, he had an air of self-satisfaction and did this thing he would do when he was upset where he'd point his finger into my cheek. That's when he started telling me that he loves me and blah blah blah... .

I always took these moments of intentional hurt as him trying to make me leave voluntarily so that he could absolve himself of a certain amount of guilt due to the fact that I would have been leaving on my own accord, not because he had done anything wrong. Does that make sense? His self-fulfilling prophecy of everyone he loves leaving him would always be intact, especially if they left willingly. It's almost as though his fears of abandonment had to be true or he had nothing else... . So he always made sure it happened.
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« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2014, 11:55:39 PM »

  I don't know whether she got joy out of it, or whether the chuckling was just a defense against the shame she felt. 

I always assumed it was a defense mechanism to mask the absolute shame they felt for something they did. Every time I caught my exBPDw in a lie she would laugh each time and follow up with an insulting jab at me. Usually the way she was insulting me had something to do with how SHE was acting which is projection ON TOP of projection.
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« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2014, 12:09:45 AM »

The little smirk she would make sometimes so faint it was undetectable but in her eyes. she always had a smirk when she manipulated me. eventualy the smirk itself would cause me pain... . How could someone do that to someone they love?

You have described perfectly what I saw. Same thing about the smirk causing pain too.

All my good memories of my ex are overshadowed now by this creepy horror movie stuff. She didn't love me even though she married me. "I love you", ya right. She is the queen of lies. Queen/Witch.

It got to a point that through the subltest of her nonverbal communications she could completely destroy me then with her words gaslight me.  :)estroyed me completely and utterly.

I think for her it became a game to see if she could completely brainwash me.  I have no idea of her awareness level though.
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« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2014, 06:51:54 AM »

AO...

Mine never was abusive when we were together ... . she was mirroring and (I guess), building up resentment (oh... . and cheating on me?)... . it was not until she made her decision to go wit my replacement that the switch was thrown... . and in an instant she was someone else. Vindictive, smug, condescending and I was always talked to in the past tense, and just abused. She treated me as if I had acted like Tiger Woods. ... . but... . I had been trusting, faithful and honest?

She would go out of her way (and still does if she is with this guy... he participates as well) to do childishly mean things in public... . and then I can see she is gloating and getting off on it. First and foremost... . IT'S REALLY CREEPY! (Also psychotic)... . who the FU€K acts this way?

Two people?  It's super immature... but it goes past that ... . it is psychotic, truly.  It's very effective at upsetting me,too.  I guess I cannot ever get used to it because this is NOT the person that I lived with for 5 years. (Of course it is... . but I had no clue... . she really had some tight compartments to separate her behaviors.).  I guess when she was mirroring me... she must have treated her ex that way... .

I can never get used to seeing that smug enjoyment on her face. ... . but now if she is alone she tries to approach me like "hi... how are you?" ... . very... . very SICK LITTLE GIRL.

I just run... . like it was Charles Manson with a hatchet... . self preservation kicked in at some point... . but damn the aftershocks. Why do that have so much power with us?
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« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2014, 07:02:27 AM »

Yep I saw that smug satisfied smile whenever he knew he'd hurt me, or others. When he told me his ex gf had cried when he split for good with her, he recalled that with a look if pleasure/ enjoyment. I'm sure he had narc traits, I told him that and he laughed. He often got a weird creepy smile when he was deliberately creating drama. Like a naughty little boy... . Chucky 
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« Reply #11 on: June 05, 2014, 07:22:34 AM »

Yes!  I am so glad i read this.  It was horrible to feel that unsettled.  Like watching a horror movie.  Except i was in it.  My wife would go to great lengths. She would call me horrible things,  a failure, horrible dad, horrible husband,  would delight in sending me texts purportedly for other men, "accidentally", I blocked her email and cell so she would borrow her co-workers phones so i would answer and she could tell me about the latest guy... .  

I wish i could see inside her twisted mind and understand how she truly feels when this splitting thing is going on...

tomorrow is my one week with no contact.
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« Reply #12 on: June 05, 2014, 07:30:59 AM »

 " Like watching a horror movie.  Except i was in it.  " literally LOL... .

Thanks for posting Ross O. And well done on NC! You're doing a great job x
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« Reply #13 on: June 05, 2014, 08:23:10 AM »

Yep I saw that smug satisfied smile whenever he knew he'd hurt me, or others. When he told me his ex gf had cried when he split for good with her, he recalled that with a look if pleasure/ enjoyment. I'm sure he had narc traits, I told him that and he laughed. He often got a weird creepy smile when he was deliberately creating drama. Like a naughty little boy... . Chucky  

As Kernberg and others pointed out, all borderlines show "narc traits".

For the OP. I saw that cheshire cat smile many times, the most memorable moment was when she was lying about her paramour and for first time, managed to got away with it. Normal people would feel guilty and emberassed. She had that cruel smirk on her face.



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« Reply #14 on: June 05, 2014, 08:39:01 AM »

Oh, that sinister smirk that would come across her face... . when I saw it I knew she was effectively possessed. It was like her facial light switch. When I saw the smirk I knew she was splitting, painting me black, and the chances that a rage was coming on were high. When the smirk was gone and she had calmed down, it was if nothing had happened. The facial light switch was back off, except all the hate and anger and rage that had come at me was now projected, as I was the one who had raged at her!

Just thinking about it gives me the shakes. It has been over 5 months since she left and I am finally at a place where I can say, thank the good Lord she is gone. Amen.
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« Reply #15 on: June 05, 2014, 09:15:13 AM »

My ex had more of an appearance of calm and detachment when caught in a lie or he did something hurtful . I found it strange how he could just stand back from it and watch it play out like he wasn't even involved.  He seemed to separate himself from it.  He would sit and watch me be upset and sometimes put on his counselor/guru/ hat. If it was verbal abuse from a drunken rage the night before, in the morning he would apologize when he first woke up but i couldn't spring back so quickly.I would spend the day struggling internally, trying to figure out  how i was going to deal with it. If i would bring it up he would act resentful that i couldn't just let it go. He would usually turn his lie or behavior and the reason for it as something he had to do to protect me or himself.  If it wasn't something he needed to do because of me, then it was about his fear of my reaction because of his mother issues.  Fear that i would freak on him like his mother.  He would often tell me that i had no idea of how much women have hurt him in the past.

Then i would get the story that i hold onto things and that was MY problem.

In the end he acted like  the whole problem about our relationship not working was about me not being able to move past issues and that he had changed. My fear, i was a coward.  He still calls me a coward. He said i did not believe in him but he believed in me.  I was punishing myself constantly for not being able to be ok and move past the hurt and pain.
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« Reply #16 on: June 05, 2014, 02:07:05 PM »

The horror movie analogy accurately describes what I observed.  I don't know about you, but I concluded that my ex is a sadist. 

He laughed/smiled at inappropriate times. He had inappropriate reactions to (or took inappropriate action) when he observed pain and suffering.

He took great pride in duping others.

He loved movies with poorly written scripts, and lots of violence (the more shallow the better) eerily smiling, sneering, and chuckling all the way through it.  Conversely, films that won oscars (good writing, excellent acting) bored him.  (He usually fell asleep during those.)

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« Reply #17 on: June 05, 2014, 02:31:53 PM »

My exbf couldn't seem to hold back a smile while speaking about me having less money than him when I had to take a lesser paying job.

The look and smile on his face while explaining how I wouldn't  have so much for groceries,clothes and extras that my previous job provided was that of a child that had an ice cream while the other less fortunate kids did not.

I can really hate him most days
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« Reply #18 on: June 05, 2014, 02:44:12 PM »

I think the worse for me was when she got her next boyfriend, and stated that he/we were only puppets, with her stupid smirk, and the way she gets off when she knows someone is concerned about her and she is giving them the silent treatment, because of all then control she clearly has over there emotions, and how any concern they express just makes her feel powerful. I remember another time when she talked about one of her other ex's meeting her messed up family, and them making him feel so upset he started to cry, so she dumped him because he was "weak".
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« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2014, 10:05:19 PM »

Yes, a very strange fake-sounding chuckle and an odd smirk - usually when she was winning through lying -- "dupers delight" indeed.  For example, I caught her cheating, evidenced in email.  She denied it vigorously in a day-long fight.  I finally gave up.  I meekly apologized just so the circular raging would stop.  Then in a heartbeat, out comes the horror show chuckle and odd smirk.
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« Reply #20 on: June 30, 2014, 10:30:39 PM »

I think this was one of the most painful experiences of my connection to "B"--that huge, show-stopping grin that seemed to come at the most inappropriate times---the worst possible times.  Absolutely gutted me.

I first got a taste of it when she professed all of this undying love and passion for me, and then seconds later decided she needed to turn of the "switch."  I can still see her slapping her knees, standing up, and grinning this enormous, bizarre grin and exclaiming "Aren't feelings great!"  It seemed as though she was just brimming with delirious joy that she was able to turn her feelings off at will as I sat there stunned and reeling.

Another time:  I tried to be strong and send her on her way, but she got a scared look and asked me to walk her to a pathway.  When I gave in, she realised she had the upper hand, and seeing my tears as I said, "This hurts so much.  You're like the sun, and I don't want to turn away from it and go back into the shadows again"  she put on that big smile and exclaimed like little Orphan Annie, "The sun always comes out again!"  Then rode off on her bike smiling all the way home.

Sometimes the smile would be accompanied by humming and singing songs in German.  This often happened when we were intimate, and then she decided she was done with me, so would send me home at all hours of the night or early morning hours. 

The worst experience with this was when she decided she was moving across country, on to bigger and better things.  After a week of avoiding me, using me, and devaluing me at every chance she got, I came by to say goodbye.  She cried for a little bit, then instantly stopped and said in a flat, "stoner" sounding voice, "Yeah, it's gonna suck not seeing you anymore."

Then she smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen---I am surprised it didn't crack her face in half.  She announced in a loud, circus-announcer-type voice, complete with a little theatrical jiggle of her head, "Everything is going to be great!"

I shuffled out the door, tears streaming down my face.

Went N/C for a month, then she sent me a letter in March.  Should have never responded.  She suckered me into letting her see me for 1.5 days this month on a big whirlwind music tour out west---I was squeezed in for sex, then promptly discarded as she moved onwards to her next exploit, a nameless, faceless woman I would only ever know as "my friend in S_____"

In her drunken states, she would smirk with undisguised satisfaction over how she had hurt and dropped lovers left and right.  I can remember he smiling to herself with obvious pride and giggly amusement when she quoted one of her ex's departing words, "You're a musician.  You're going to do whatever the hell you want to anyway."  She found that to be so hilarious.  She enjoyed gloating over how entitled she was to shredding people's souls to bits---because of her artistic genius.

I have no idea why I am grieving so much over someone so ruthless.  I have read so many stories on here---amazed that the depth of the pain and anguish is described so similarly across the board.

This disorder is hideous.  I would never wish this kind of person on anyone.  I feel like I have been murdered, but I am still somehow walking around.



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« Reply #21 on: July 01, 2014, 12:17:09 AM »

" I feel like I have been murdered, but I am still somehow walking around."

That describes it. PERFECTLY! You are a damaged genius. That is what makes it so devastating to us. It's the totally unexpected viciousness of their complete enjoyment in the pain that they inflict with their words and actions. That is the most damaging part of their psychotic behavior.
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« Reply #22 on: July 01, 2014, 12:24:36 AM »

Seaofwounds  I feel the same. You describe things so amazingly similar to my situation.

I really like your last comment. I feel like I've been murdered and I'm just walking around too. It's the most brutal and devastating experience.

I can say that things will get easier for you. Time does help. It's been 4 months NC  for me and I am feeling better but that said I still cry every day at some stage. Just not all the time anymore.

The most hurtful thing that happened with my ex was after he abruptly ditched me and moved on with my best friend he sent her an intimate photo of he and I kissing and under the photo in capital letters he'd typed " hahahahaha ha"

I wish I'd never seen that. I have no idea why he was laughing... . At the photo? At me? It just crushes me. Laughing that he'd conned me?

Destroyed my friendship with her too.

It's the worst experience of my life and I've had a few really bad things happen.

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« Reply #23 on: July 01, 2014, 01:01:46 AM »

That little, nearly imperceptible smirk. I saw it a few times, mostly after the devaluation started. In idealization I never saw it, or was  more likely blind to it. There was a deadness in her eyes like demonic possession, an altered tone to her voice and the smirk. She seemed to feed off of my pain during devaluation. Very unsettling. Seaofwounds... . very poignant. Being murdered and walking around in the aftermath is a pretty sound description of what this feels like.

In the last showdown between us, I cried my soul out through my eyes. It felt as if I'd just collapse and die on the spot. I was trembling, asking how could she do this to someone who loves her so much, how could she put me through the same situation my ex-wife put me through after I trusted her fully with my pain, my heart and my innermost secrets. And in a brief instant, that demonic look faded away to the face of someone that seemed to actually pause for a moment and reflect on what they'd just achieved. Tears streaming down her pretty face, running nose, pouty lips. She looked at me in the chaos and said, "Can I give you a hug?" I declined and then she absolutely lost it, hysterically crying, rocking back and forth repeating phrases like "I'm a bad person. I'm selfish. I'm a monster." Over and over. I somehow snapped out of my own pain to try and comfort her but she just started screaming uncontrollably "Let me go! You have to let me go!"

I'm pretty sure I'm perma black. I often wonder how things would have been if I'd taken the hug.

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« Reply #24 on: July 01, 2014, 05:58:49 AM »

Narellan... . the story about the photograph is so disturbing I feel for you. That is just evil.

My expwBPD did many, many things that were cruel as well...

I never (except this once, hee hee), ever played get even... . and even in this instance there was no planning or malice on my part. I consider it a gift from the heavens for the suffering that I was put through. I just could not stoop to the level of childish behavior continually exhibited by my ex AND her new Bo.

Now this is 2 years after she left me for the guy she was cheating on me with during or 5-yr. live-in relationship. 1 year total NC, enforced by me, not her.

Me cautiously dating, on my way to a restaurant in my car, beautiful, date following in hers. It's dark out, I pull up to a traffic light, me in the right lane of a 4-lane highway, date in my rear view, minding my own dime business, when yes... . all of a sudden I sense the evil energy. I look to my left and there is my ex, sitting next to me, by herself in her car at the traffic light. Her dome light is on, and she is leaning into the empty passenger side of the car and striking a pose under the light, while looking up and out the windshield to the distance. Yes, striking a pose, I kid you not.  Like, as if to say, "here is the candy, and you can't have any." How sick and childish is this? She never looks at me?... . the light changes and she zooms in front of me like the psychopath that she is, and for some unknown reason I know at that moment that she is headed to the shopping center that our restaurant is in (we are not near our homes and I have no idea how I know this?). Anyway, sure enough, she pulls into the plaza having no idea that that is where I am headed along with my (unbeknownst to her, beautiful date in tow). Ya just can't make this stuff up. She parks (to go to the nail salon), and she has the wonderful joy of thinking she has soo much power of causing me to follow her into the parking lot like a little sad puppy... . NOT! (She must be just reveling in her delicious, cruel power). So I park across the isle from her, facing her and my date parks two cars over from her on that side, so that when she gets out of the car and I get out of mine we meet up in the middle of the isle, where my date slips her arm in mine, right in front of my ex's windshield! I really did nothing to make this happen... . but OOHHHHHH, was I enjoying the ride. (This was totally unfair to my date, I felt bad about that, truly, but it just happened, of course it was  brought on by my ex).

I think the torpedo was a dead hit, because when we came out of the restaurant, my ex's car was sitting there, empty, with the dome light still on! Hee Hee!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I really do not understand what goes on inside the head of a BPD? I had done nothing in the relationship to cause any need for revenge, etc. She was cheating on me, she lied and ran off a week before Christmas?  I was totally blind-sided and completely devastated.  I just will never understand what makes these people tick? There is no way to rationally explain their self-centered evil behavior.
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« Reply #25 on: July 01, 2014, 06:36:36 AM »

Hollow emptiness, blank.

A lot of eye rolling, wadded up face (to show disgust), hollow blank empty stare.

When (rarely) there was eye contact, it was a piercing stare (intimidation).

For years, he would stare at the tv or the wall, and not communicate with me at all.

All he would say is "I don't know" or "maybe" or "kinda" or "I'm not sure".

In the last 10 years it became a game of twisting and manipulating my words.

Lots of gas lighting.

In the last 3 years, yelling and twisting/manipulating.

But his face?

Blank, empty, hollow.

Beady eyes, with nothing behind them but black.

I had a gf who lives in Israel ask to see a photo of him... . she said he was 'berriff', Hebrew for 'empty, without a soul essentially (I know we all have a soul, but that was the gist of what the Hebrew word meant). She told me there was nothing I would ever be able to do... . that this was a 100% God project.

Man, was she right.

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« Reply #26 on: July 01, 2014, 10:24:48 AM »

Years ago I once had sleep paralysis with the "old hag" it has a different name in different cultures.  Basically, in my dream I felt the character I was talking to was lying to me and its face was just a mask.  behind the mask was a pitch black face with only eyes like black holes and an evil smirk. I looked down and saw black hands reaching into my chest sucking out my life force. I awoke from the dream and was still looking into the face of the demon hands still in my chest it was laughing I was paralyzed. I struggle and yelled "F*** you" and started to get up the demon got up and walked out the door and evaporated.  It was the same smirk the same feeling of being drained of life force as I experienced with my BPD ex.
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« Reply #27 on: July 01, 2014, 12:15:45 PM »

Yes, creepy smile with corners of mouth twitching.  Saw this whenever he would make his insidious threats such as, "If you leave, I will disappear with the kids and you will never see them again." 

My adult children saw this a lot after we split when he was coming up with schemes that he thought would hurt me.  It makes me nauseated to think of it now, even.
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« Reply #28 on: July 01, 2014, 02:47:56 PM »

I have photos of this smirk and dark soulless eyes we all speak of.

Funny thing is, uBPDw often brings up my "frowning angry eyebrows, blank stair and smirk"  as I sit there and take the abuse.

So I reply with "ever heard of medium chill?", on the inside of course.
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« Reply #29 on: July 01, 2014, 02:53:16 PM »

I think the look may be the satisfied "angry child" persecuting the projected "punitive parent"
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