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Author Topic: Need some help to keep from doing something I don't want to do  (Read 898 times)
BacknthSaddle
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« on: June 04, 2014, 08:40:00 PM »

Quick background: when I started seeing my ex she was married (now divorced).  Two months after we started seeing each other, at which point she was telling me she loved me, she told me that someone had sent her husband, as well as her husband's brother, anonymous emails detailing things about our affair.  Later, members of my family started getting facebook messages from fake accounts about the affair (this caused at least one very large argument), and an email went to a website I run citing me personally and telling me not to sleep with her "because she was dirty."  At the time she was freaked out by this and had theories about who it could be: a lesbian woman at work who had fallen in love with her and who's computer she had used to send me messages one time; that woman's girlfriend; her husband's ex; etc.  All of these possibilities seemed sketchy if vaguely plausible (how would they know her brother-in-law's email? Or my website's email? And so forth).

Eventually this stuff just died off (say after a month).  It occurred to me recently that it may have been her all along.  She is still friends with the woman she claimed it might be, still communicates frequently with her ex-husband's ex for family reasons, and the whole thing just doesn't pass the smell test.  Maybe she was trying to sabotage her own (now defunct) marriage or who knows what.  I am getting urges to confront her about this possibility. 

Here's the thing: I do not want to contact her at all, and I certainly don't want to bring this up.  I know my question will be evaded and I will be made out to be a crazy person.  I will end up with no answers and just feeling worse.  I will probably end up feeling crazy; in fact, I feel crazy that this is even on my mind (I haven't thought about it in some time, and I was triggered by seeing the woman she claimed it might be today).  I know that, like every other issue in the relationship, I will get no resolution on this, no closure. 

I need some help to avoid reaching out and asking her about this.  The urges are very strong right now even though logically I know it is a mistake. 

Thank you all for reading. 
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cosmonaut
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« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2014, 08:45:27 PM »

That is a strange situation.  What would be the benefit in contacting your ex?  Just to satisfy your need to know?  Do you think she would even tell you the truth if it was her?
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2014, 08:47:33 PM »

Just to satisfy my need to know, yes.  I know that the overwhelming likelihood is that I will not get satisfaction, that the question will be avoided, etc. But the 1% chance that I might know the truth about this situation (which was quite disturbing at the time) is driving the urges. 

I'm a rational person normally.  I tend to play the percentages.  So I hate feeling this kind of feeling. 
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« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2014, 08:50:30 PM »

I can't tell you how much crud didn't make sense to me during and after the end of my 3 year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I stopped needed to understand when I turned the focus squarely on myself.  So, I ask you what you'll gain by finding out the answer to your question and if you are actually doing it to have some contact with your ex?  I'm not trying to be insensitive, but rather pointing out that the answers to your questions or the need to know them may reside inside of you... .
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2014, 08:52:42 PM »

No Madison, you're not being insensitive at all.  It's not that I just want contact with her... . I could do that easily in less hostile ways.  I'm not sure exactly what I'd gain even if I found out the truth.  Maybe I'm looking for confirmation that she's as out-of-control as she thinks she is?  I'm not exactly sure.  But you're right: even if I did find out that what I suspect is the truth is true, I can't imagine I would feel much better for very long. 
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cosmonaut
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« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2014, 08:57:47 PM »

I understand.  There are many things that I want answers to as well.  One of the devilish things about BPD, BPD mirroring, and BPD lies is that you just can't be sure of what was true.  I am the type of person that wants, even needs, to know the truth.  I want to know the truth, no matter how ugly.  So, I can very much appreciate your need to know.

I don't think it's wise to contact her, however.  As you said, the chance of anything productive coming from doing so is low, and the chance she will make you feel awful is large.  I know you know this already, but I can understand how there is that itch that you just have to scratch.

I understand how our willpower isn't quite enough to stop us from doing something we know we shouldn't.  I'm not quite sure what the best way to handle this would be.  :)oes it help to remember all the painful things she has said to you in the past and realize she will probably just say more of them?  :)oes it help to realize that most nons would never freely admit to doing something so kooky, and that means it goes doubly so for pwBPD?
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2014, 09:00:57 PM »

Thanks cosmonaut.  Remembering some of the cruel things, while unpleasant, is somewhat helpful.  She is doubly cruel when confronted or challenged, and I know hte likelihood of leaving such an encounter feeling like garbage is high.  I am repeating this to myself internally, hoping for it to stick. 
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2014, 09:02:47 PM »

I tend to play the percentages. 

Your probably right it was her. She maybe wanted to be with you and figured she could sabotage her marriage. It would be easier and quicker to do it this way.

Percentages would point to her. It's good you are mentally aware that confronting her won't accomplish anything at all but to make you feel horrible when she denies it.

I would just add this to the one more reason to never have anything to do with her again file.
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cosmonaut
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« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2014, 09:04:59 PM »

Good, I hope it helps.  I know very well the urge to reach out can be overwhelming at times.  Stay strong, man.  

Nice work on posting here before contacting her.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2014, 09:06:14 PM »

I think you already know you shouldn't contact her!

Here are some reminders why you shouldn't:

*she'll just lie about it anyway so why bother

*you are beyond that point in time. Asking her about it will bring you back to a place that you do NOT want to be in.

*You probably already have enough circumstantial evidence to know it was her.

*Weigh what you hope to gain from contacting her against what you will lose by contacting her (it's not even close!)

*it took a lot of pain and heartache to get out of the FOG... . Why go back?

I do know how you feel though. There are so many INSANE things that happened in my 20yr relationship,with my uBPDxw that come back to me now, that I question weather they were real or just part of her elaborate web of lies and deceit used to trick and manipulate me. It does mess with your sanity. But you now what BS? Just imagine all the crap they did behind our backs that we don't even know about! For every door that we open in investigating the past there will be 3 new doors of revelations that we will uncover and it would go on and on.  :)on't do it... . let it go. You don't want to start you recovery all over from day 1 do you?

Be strong brother!
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Tausk
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« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2014, 09:21:20 PM »

We all know the answer here. We know that the Disorder is a B___.  The Disorder is more powerful than me.  The Disorder does not want happiness and destroys all.  And the Disorder always wins.   The only way not to lose is to walk away.

But, I also know how hard it is to not to scratch an itch.  And if I continue to think about not scratching the itch, then the itch just gets worse.  

For example, in this next moment try and not think about "pink elephants".

So instead, as a suggestion, what I do is try and use an "I" statement instead.  I am in NO CONTACT with my ex.  I am moving on with my life.  I am interested in new and exciting things today and in the future.  I only communicate to people who are good for me.  I only engage in actions that are good for me.  I do the right things at the right time... .

I go to the positives of what I want my life to be.    I try and stay away from the destruction of my past interaction with me ex.  And if necessary, I remember her as an emotional vampire who will suck the life out of me, leave my on the side of the road, and will have forgotten me, be with another man, and will force me to look at her before I gasp my last dying breath.

But staying in the positive is better.  

I ONLY engage in productive actions with people who are good for me, and I engage in my actions at the appropriate time.
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« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2014, 09:23:16 PM »

A similar thing happened to me. My ex BPD claimed that someone had reported a photo of  me on FB . It was a head and bare shoulders shot. Nothing offensive, beautiful photo. My exBPD is a professional photographer. A FB friend of mine that I was close to and had previously been with for a few months was chatting with me once during a silent treatment of my exBPD and I mentioned I was going to break it off with exBPD guy. Well I didn't and we ended up going out on a date the following day after I spoke to this FB friend.

First thing the morning of the date exBPD rings me and said "who did you tell we were going on a date today". The only person was FB guy. Allegedly someone sent my BPD an email warning him off, to leave me alone.

I confronted FB guy who venomously denied it. Ex BPD guy believes this FB friend also reported his photo of me.

None of it made any sense to me. I cut ties with FB friend. It's not until I read this post that I realise my exBPD probably made the whole thing up to cause drama between this guy and me.

That makes the most sense to me now, given exBPD also isolated me from my parents, sister and best friend.

I apologised to FB friend if I falsely accused him. We are still friends from a distance.

The weird games they play. Just another confusing, unanswered drama.

They were so frequent.

Don't contact your ex. All you'll get is lies and anger and more pain to you. Don't worry about it. It is what it is. Something you'll never know the truth of. Be strong, you are doing so well with NC. Put it out of your head. 
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« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2014, 10:03:41 PM »

backnthsaddle

I am just wondering if you might just stay with that uncertainty,  relaxing into it and not panicking .  Then you will come through it.  Eventually you will get to a place where knowing the truth about this situation will not seem so big.  Sometimes i stay with it by acknowledging what is going on, breathing into it and allowing myself to be there.  Then i ride through it and find myself in a different place. More peace most of the time.

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« Reply #13 on: June 04, 2014, 10:19:27 PM »

Back in the Saddle, I know this is very bad advice, so, I'm qualifying what I'm gonna say now. Don't listen to me cause this week I'm slipping and sliding all over my no-contact, However, all that being said, I would never break No Contact, to ask one of these liars, if they faked a whole scenario, that they will definitely turn around and destroy you with, for even having the nerve to inquire. It will take a lot of smoke and mirrors and fancy foot work to avoid answering your question. She will certainly have to shred you for you to forget your question. Be prepared to relive every thing you ever did wrong, or was a perceived wrong by her. And if by chance she ever cops to it being her that wore 5 different hats to act out all the characters in the show early on in your rlshp, rest assure, you drove her to it somehow, you talented, powerful guy, you! Before 3 words leave your mouth you will regret seeking what you already know in your gut is the answer. But, we have a very hard time trusting ourselves, don't we? But, if you must, inquire, think about this... . I would go in with another tactic. With these creatures you must play them with their own game... in the fantasy language that they understand, in order to get what you need. I would let her know that you already know that it was her and it all came from the same computer, and let her tell you why it wasn't her. Do what they do, Accuse, attack and put them up against the wall. You will certainly be blamed for any action she took, but in the attack she may own doing it? They straight out asking has low odds and high fatality for you, me thinks?... Smiling (click to insert in post) SMH
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Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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« Reply #14 on: June 04, 2014, 10:26:33 PM »

Tausk,

I'm going to adopt this way of thinking towards my crazy ex. I think about her every hour and it sucks. It's so true what you have said. They are emotional vampires eirher they know it or not .






We all know the answer here. We know that the Disorder is a B___.  The Disorder is more powerful than me.  The Disorder does not want happiness and destroys all.  And the Disorder always wins.   The only way not to lose is to walk away.

But, I also know how hard it is to not to scratch an itch.  And if I continue to think about not scratching the itch, then the itch just gets worse.  

For example, in this next moment try and not think about "pink elephants".

So instead, as a suggestion, what I do is try and use an "I" statement instead.  I am in NO CONTACT with my ex.  I am moving on with my life.  I am interested in new and exciting things today and in the future.  I only communicate to people who are good for me.  I only engage in actions that are good for me.  I do the right things at the right time... .

I go to the positives of what I want my life to be.    I try and stay away from the destruction of my past interaction with me ex.  And if necessary, I remember her as an emotional vampire who will suck the life out of me, leave my on the side of the road, and will have forgotten me, be with another man, and will force me to look at her before I gasp my last dying breath.

But staying in the positive is better.  

I ONLY engage in productive actions with people who are good for me, and I engage in my actions at the appropriate time.

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Tausk
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« Reply #15 on: June 04, 2014, 10:40:15 PM »

With these creatures you must play them with their own game.

Play the game?   Hasn't playing the game cost us enough yet?   Honestly, name a single time where the Disorder actually lost.  Where responsibility, empathy, and long-term adult behavior actually prevailed against the Disorder.  Even when I absolutely knew that my ex was being delusional, the Disorder won. And every single interaction with my ex since I have been split black has been destructive.  

The Disorder is a B___.  The Disorder is more powerful than me.  The Disorder does not want happiness and is destructive to all.  

THE DISORDER ALWAYS WINS

The only way not to lose is to walk away.
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« Reply #16 on: June 04, 2014, 11:09:17 PM »

Excerpt
The only way not to lose is to walk away.

 

Right on, Tausk!  I'm 6 months out and the longer I'm away from the chaos the less I try or need to make sense of her words or actions.  The healthier I am, the less I need to even think about all the craziness.  It is no longer part of my life.  Walking away and maintaining n/c gave me the space and peace I needed to heal and detach.  I can tell you, though that I feel like the last week or so has been a major test.  Triggers galore and I confronted and put the last nail in the door to all of it!  This is my closure and I don't need anything more other than to live, love, breath and grow.  So, to all the questions that I had about the craziness and abuse my simple answer today is that it no longer has any place in my life.  Period.  End of story... .

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Turkish
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« Reply #17 on: June 04, 2014, 11:12:18 PM »

Excerpt
Eventually this stuff just died off (say after a month). It occurred to me recently that it may have been her all along.  She is still friends with the woman she claimed it might be, still communicates frequently with her ex-husband's ex for family reasons, and the whole thing just doesn't pass the smell test.  Maybe she was trying to sabotage her own (now defunct) marriage or who knows what.  I am getting urges to confront her about this possibility. 

Do you think there was a trigger for this, or is it just rumination?

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« Reply #18 on: June 04, 2014, 11:48:42 PM »

Hi backinthesaddle,its hard trying to figure all this out,so many unanswered questions...

I read an old post lastnight and I had a definate Idea moment.The sentence that stuck out the most for me was-

" conflict resolution requires separateness"

         - 2010

Since the pwBPD have no real sence of " self" they have to attach to somebody to feel " real" or " present"

If " conflict resolution requires separateness"

It stands to reason that any sort of resolution with your ex,with any of our exes for that matter,is impossible.

It hit me last night,I laughed out loud.

All the circular arguments,the times when my ex would " parrot" what I would say-

All these years(8),I was arguing with myself!

Im so sorry your having a confusing time BNTS

Bpd is a Serious mental illness,I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that we here at BPD family know what you are going thru

Please for your own sake,remain NC.

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« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2014, 12:43:28 AM »

BacknthSaddle i can understand totally how you feel. After being betrayed and lied to on this level it can take months/years for us to realize ways that we were being manipulated when we were less aware. And as you and others have stated there may be no way of finding out the real truth. We do know enough of the truth though, but may never know all.

you know what i do in these situations? i always tell myself something. i'll give you an example--i've never had any issues with vandalism of my car at my present residence. after living here 2 years though, within 6 months first I had one of my tires slashed then a few months later someone keyed my car from trunk to hood. both things happened within a few weeks of my ex moving out (tire slash) and me cutting all contact from her (keying). even though my ex acted the worse i'd ever seen her after we broke up, it just seemed out of character for her to do this. i dunno, maybe it was one of her disturbed boyfriends? but i know there's no way to prove it.

but i always come back to this realization--whether my ex did the deed or not the fact that i even have to *wonder* if she was involved in the first place means she's a nasty individual 

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), with any other ex it wouldn't even cross my mind. not one iota. with this one though, it's "hmm... . maybe that %$#@ did do that $%^&!" and that's enough knowing for me!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #20 on: June 05, 2014, 01:11:14 AM »

backnthsaddle

I am just wondering if you might just stay with that uncertainty,  relaxing into it and not panicking .  Then you will come through it.  Eventually you will get to a place where knowing the truth about this situation will not seem so big.  Sometimes i stay with it by acknowledging what is going on, breathing into it and allowing myself to be there.  Then i ride through it and find myself in a different place. More peace most of the time.

This is what i often wish i had done while in my r/s. Instead, i thought it very important at the time, to let her know that I knew that what she was doing was messed up. I realize now this was partly a way to work towards getting the problems out in the open so they could be solved, and partly to show her that I understood who she was and how she operated so she could at some point realize that i accepted her as she was and would chill the F out. It sounds like you're way past the point of feeling like you believe anything good will happen so maybe just dig as deep as you can into why you really are bothered so much by not knowing. These days I'm finally starting to enjoy the new opportunities I get to feel out of control and let go of things that are her karma.

I listened to a cool podcast from Ram Dass and Sharon Salzberg and she likened letting go to emotional bicep curls. You don't just do it once and then you're good, but have to keep letting go and starting again and eventually you're just stronger.
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« Reply #21 on: June 05, 2014, 02:39:03 AM »

I really like the suggestion by Task... . I Choose to... . create exciting new adventures for myself ,  to work more on my getting my six pack back, to surround myself with people who are  interested in more than just having someone f#&+ their brains out, to not be a constant babysitter for my significant other.

We all are left with a lot of questions, but turning to the exBPD is the wrong place to try to find your answers at brother.         Stay strong.
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« Reply #22 on: June 05, 2014, 06:21:28 AM »

To get an answer, it would require her to take self-responsibility, which as you already know, is beyond their capacity. Taking responsibility would lead to excessive shame/persecutory anxiety so don't even weight the possibility. It just won't happen. My exBPDgf was still trying to lie her way out when I holded the facebook log which quite literally described how her paramour ___ed her behind my back. Only when presented with hard evidence, with absolutely no ways to escape, she admitted.





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« Reply #23 on: June 05, 2014, 09:41:48 AM »

First of all, thank you all so much.  I did not contact, and is often the case, I feel better after a good night's sleep. You are all awesome and have filled this thread with a whole lot of truth and insight. 

Turkish, the trigger was a simple as seeing at her at work.  As I've mentioned in the past, we work in the same institution, and although we rarely see each other, it makes things more difficult. It's strange: sometimes I see her and feel nothing, other times I'm triggered.  I haven't figured out the difference as of yet.

I have to say that one thing that REALLY helps me is just writing all of this crazy s*** down and then reading it off the page.  Some of the things that happened seem truly insane when I write them out but, in the middle of the FOG, they just seemed like things that happened.  Realizing the magnitude of the craziness into which I was dragged is helpful.

The truth is, as you've all pointed out, I'm not ever going to understand this incident, I'm only going to hurt myself more in trying to, and the truth is it is really inconsequential anyway. It just doesn't matter.  I realized last night that, even if it wasn't my ex who did this, if nothing else she dragged the person who did something this crazy into my life, and she injected my life with a level of craziness that it had truly NEVER seen before.  It's so strange.  My ex was surrounded by so many dysfunctional people (her husband who was addicted to painkillers and lied about paying the rent,almost getting them evicted; her best friend who left heroin paraphernalia out in the home with a 3-year-old child; her husband's ex who was arrested multiple times for identity theft), and yet I somehow convinced myself that this said NOTHING about her.  That she was just the one sane person in a sea of insanity.  That she was a victim of it all.  That it all just "happened" to her. 

THAT is the FOG.  I have to remind myself of that, and not allow myself to get sucked back in. 
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« Reply #24 on: June 05, 2014, 09:55:21 AM »

Hey backnthsaddle

great you are feeling better today !

It's strange: sometimes I see her and feel nothing, other times I'm triggered.

I wonder sometimes if we are more triggered if we are tired physically or emotionally, hungry, not taking care of ourselves properly or just not as engaged in life at the time.  who knows.  i am going to check in with myself when i feel more triggered at times than others.  sometimes for me it can be hormonal, sometimes i've had an overwhelming day, i didn't sleep well the night before,  my kids have just given me the run around or i am slacking in my self care routine. just a thought
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« Reply #25 on: June 05, 2014, 10:43:14 AM »

I think you're right Corraline: it depends on what type of day I'm having.  I think it's particularly challenging because if I'm having a stressful day at work, and I see her in the context of work, the stress level doubles.  It's probably that the days I'm not triggered are ones that are going well. 
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« Reply #26 on: June 05, 2014, 10:54:02 AM »

First of all, thank you all so much.  I did not contact, and is often the case, I feel better after a good night's sleep. You are all awesome and have filled this thread with a whole lot of truth and insight.  

Turkish, the trigger was a simple as seeing at her at work.  As I've mentioned in the past, we work in the same institution, and although we rarely see each other, it makes things more difficult. It's strange: sometimes I see her and feel nothing, other times I'm triggered.  I haven't figured out the difference as of yet.

I have to say that one thing that REALLY helps me is just writing all of this crazy s*** down and then reading it off the page.  Some of the things that happened seem truly insane when I write them out but, in the middle of the FOG, they just seemed like things that happened.  Realizing the magnitude of the craziness into which I was dragged is helpful.

The truth is, as you've all pointed out, I'm not ever going to understand this incident, I'm only going to hurt myself more in trying to, and the truth is it is really inconsequential anyway. It just doesn't matter.  I realized last night that, even if it wasn't my ex who did this, if nothing else she dragged the person who did something this crazy into my life, and she injected my life with a level of craziness that it had truly NEVER seen before.  It's so strange.  My ex was surrounded by so many dysfunctional people (her husband who was addicted to painkillers and lied about paying the rent,almost getting them evicted; her best friend who left heroin paraphernalia out in the home with a 3-year-old child; her husband's ex who was arrested multiple times for identity theft), and yet I somehow convinced myself that this said NOTHING about her.  That she was just the one sane person in a sea of insanity.  That she was a victim of it all.  That it all just "happened" to her.  

THAT is the FOG.  I have to remind myself of that, and not allow myself to get sucked back in.  

Birds of feather flock together. Mine's only "friend"(in the reality, she simply uses her on needed base) has OCD, is a serial cheater and pathological liar. I never forget that she always praised one of her ex as a man of integrity and character. Few months ago, that ex showed up at her place, looking for a shelter. It turned out that he's on a runaway because of a huge gambling debt. He stealed from his friends and family to continue with his obsession, even tried talk his social anxiety sufferer wife into suicide pact! Now lives as a hobo, hitchhiking around the country. From her perspective, he was a good man.

They simply do not recognize the deeper, more profound human qualites, as they haven't developed those in themselves. This guy was only evaluated by how he fitted her needs at the time.

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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #27 on: June 05, 2014, 11:04:13 AM »

They simply do not recognize the deeper, more profound human qualites, as they haven't developed those in themselves. This guy was only evaluated by how he fitted her needs at the time.

Exactly true.  And if you happen to have those qualities, they are indifferent to them, which causes confusion and guilt and generally makes you feel horrible. 

And yes, birds of a feather.  I'm guessing that many have had the same experience: BPDexs surrounded by a sea dysfunction, somehow convincing you that they are an island of sanity within this sea.  That they are just a victim of the dysfunction, not a part of it.   
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mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #28 on: June 05, 2014, 12:25:46 PM »

Hey backnthsaddle

great you are feeling better today !

It's strange: sometimes I see her and feel nothing, other times I'm triggered.

I wonder sometimes if we are more triggered if we are tired physically or emotionally, hungry, not taking care of ourselves properly or just not as engaged in life at the time.

I learned in Celebrate Recovery that we are more prone to temptations (Triggers) illustrated by the following acronymn:

H.A.L.T.

Hungry

Alone

Lonely

Tired

I found this to be true especially when TIRED and feeling LONELY.
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
christoff522
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« Reply #29 on: June 05, 2014, 01:30:15 PM »

Quick background: when I started seeing my ex she was married (now divorced).  Two months after we started seeing each other, at which point she was telling me she loved me, she told me that someone had sent her husband, as well as her husband's brother, anonymous emails detailing things about our affair.  Later, members of my family started getting facebook messages from fake accounts about the affair (this caused at least one very large argument), and an email went to a website I run citing me personally and telling me not to sleep with her "because she was dirty."  At the time she was freaked out by this and had theories about who it could be: a lesbian woman at work who had fallen in love with her and who's computer she had used to send me messages one time; that woman's girlfriend; her husband's ex; etc.  All of these possibilities seemed sketchy if vaguely plausible (how would they know her brother-in-law's email? Or my website's email? And so forth).

Eventually this stuff just died off (say after a month).  It occurred to me recently that it may have been her all along.  She is still friends with the woman she claimed it might be, still communicates frequently with her ex-husband's ex for family reasons, and the whole thing just doesn't pass the smell test.  Maybe she was trying to sabotage her own (now defunct) marriage or who knows what.  I am getting urges to confront her about this possibility. 

Here's the thing: I do not want to contact her at all, and I certainly don't want to bring this up.  I know my question will be evaded and I will be made out to be a crazy person.  I will end up with no answers and just feeling worse.  I will probably end up feeling crazy; in fact, I feel crazy that this is even on my mind (I haven't thought about it in some time, and I was triggered by seeing the woman she claimed it might be today).  I know that, like every other issue in the relationship, I will get no resolution on this, no closure. 

I need some help to avoid reaching out and asking her about this.  The urges are very strong right now even though logically I know it is a mistake. 

Thank you all for reading. 

Well if it makes you feel better, during my very short relationship with a pwBPD, her ex 'hacked' her facebook and saw our messages and flipped out. Now this was after they broke up. But he was angry, and I know that he knew because his father and himself visited me the same day at work.

After me they got back together. It now looks like 2 months later they've broken up again (snooping). Funny thing is, even if she did contact me again, I don't think I'd care for the hassle. I still like to keep an eye out though, just out of interest. One things for sure, based upon the ex's facebook statuses, she's no different with him than she was with me. Thats a comfort, and a convicting thing.

Whatever she (your ex) did to you, she's only doing it to others now. Even if she set you up (as mine so often did) for a fall, its self sabotage. Its not about us one iota, we're interchangeable, nothing special to them.

But when truth comes to it, we're so much more special, they're demons in human bodies, tortured souls that have limited empathy, and no sense of self. Leave the matter, and save yourself heartache.
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