Is this a normal post break up beahaviour pattern

[popeye6031]

So, it has been over 2 months now since the split.

We have messaged each other quite a bit in that time and she has asked me to

give a chance again many times.

As hard as it was, I disagreed on every occasion.

Interestingly she used phrases like "I want you back".  Like she was the one in

the postion to give me a chance.

Sorry but cheating for about the 20th time is maybe just a little

too much. Something she cannot seem to get a grasp of.

There was a stage over the last 2 weeks where she tried upping the control on

what is now a friendhsip by accusing me of already finding many girls and asking for

prrof of where I was. Just like old times.

well, I put my foot down on that crap and was told how much I was hurting her by

being too hard on her, pusshing her away and hurting her.

Yesterday she said that she is going to leave me alone and not bother me anymore.

Though, already have a message today saying that she never stops thinking of me.

To get around to the poing of my post, one thing I am surprised about is that

she did not go straight out and look for a replacement but. Instead she has

been regualarly begging for me to give her a chance and said she will do all I ask

for in our relationship.

I think she has finally decided to stop begging and might be looking now but I

would have expected her to do a lot quicker.

Has anyone else experienced this sort of post break up behaviour?

[JackBlacknBlue]

what you're witnessing seems like one of the classic patterns of BPD.  she may or may not have a replacement.  Who knows? there may be a replacement in sight but not be far enough along in the relationship where she feels ready to cut off the supply of attention/love you provide.  I view BPD people like irresponsible farmers, constantly tilling the soil to get what they want until it is barren and fallow and they move on.  I think she is testing the waters to make sure she still has you until she gets enough 'reassurance/affection/attention' from somewhere else and you'll be the last to know when that happens. 

 

When I tried to go NC with my friend, I got messages that I didn't care about her and never cared about her (she said nobody cares about her), then was told I was the only one ever there for her and she wouldn't have survived the last months without me, and then charming messages about how wonderful I was.  And then she found a replacement, and the messages dropped off.  until that replacement walked out.  Then I was invited back into the picture only to learn about the replacement after I got sucked back in. 

It is formulaic but still very hard, hurtful and eye opening.

[popeye6031]

Cheers for the reply Jack.

It is actually good to hear this because I have been debating over whether to give her another chance but I know it would be a waste of time. And likely that things would get worse as the fence is made higher to ensure I don't escape,

Sounds like you had some turmoil with your friend.

[Red Sky]

I agree with Jack. It sounds quite normal from what I've seen on here. People with BPD seem to have a desire for a constant source of attention and/or affection; they often have a fear of abandonment.

My experience with my ex was that she honestly never grasped the fact that I dumped her. I dumped her after a couple of weeks, when I realised that her BPD would make it too hard to have a functional relationship, but I continued to be her friend. It took five months for her to understand that I did not want to be her girlfriend, and up until I NC'd her I think she still viewed me as her partner (despite the absence of romantic stuff). It was a lot like we never broke up... .

[popeye6031]

Yes RedSky, mine was a lot like that too. Especially the last 2 or 3 weeks when I was constantly being asked what I was doing and accused of being with other girls.  I am actually only starting to get my ability to be sociable with people back, nevermind being with all these girls I supposedly have every night. 

I reckon she might have been putting a few feelers out with regards lining up someone else. The problem is she will find it hard to pick up someone who was as easy going as me (i.e. a sucker).

As much as I still love her, I would like her to meet that next soft touch pretty quickly.

[Red Sky]

See, for me I think NC was the only way to say I HAVE NO INTEREST. (And actually she might still not have grasped it, and it's just that I don't know this because I've not spoken to her   )

She was always in need of contact though. It didn't need to be a romantic attachment,  I knew she was usually IMing two other people whilst on the phone to me, and if the conversation ended she would immediately find someone else to call or hang out with. (This sounds stalkery but I promise it wasn't. She is the kind of person who shares everything on social media.) When we fought, she took me back quite happily straight away and was texting me for 16 hours a day just the same as always. I am not an expert by any manner of means, I am new to this forum and I am basing what I say on my own experiences, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was putting out feelers for someone else and still putting out feelers for you.

Plenty of people here would recommend no contact at all if you are really determined to break that attachment, I think.

[JackBlacknBlue]

RedSky, your message really hit home for my situation.  My upwBPD would be texting, IM'ing other people all the time.  At first I didn't understand her 'compulsion' to be sending messages to all different people but then realized it was exactly as you described.  she was putting out 'feelers' for others to 'cultivate' next attachment.  I laughed out loud reading your message because I remember she and I standing in front of Lake Louise in Canada on Christmas and the site was gorgeous.  But she was engrossed in sending out texts and I took a picture of her texting in front of a beautiful landscape.