help communicating

[Parents! Get help here!]

So as some of you know my BPDD30 has recently moved back into my home with GS5, we have had a very bumpy beginning, but my determination to make this work keeps me going.

I seem to be communicating all wrong, so I would like examples of how to handle specific situations.

There was a situation yesterday where DD was asked by DS if she would be willing to babysit the next day ( not his children, his gf sisters children ) as she had done so in the past. She initially said yes she would but then remembered that she had an appointment to be at the school for her own son, she called DS and let him know, it was only about 30 minutes after the initial conversation.

Shortly after she called him, she started to freak out, she came to me and was all distraught about going to her therapy appointment on Tuesday, her brothers GF is scheduled to take her because DD does snot have a license or a car at the moment. She was getting more and more upset by the minute talking about how now she probably wouldn't get  a ride because she turned down the babysitting, she was beginning to panic. She asked me to call her sister and see if sister could take her, sister is a nursing student and has clinicals, so that was a no,so she asked me to ask her dad for her etc. She said " you have to ask, they all hate me and only say yes when you ask ", now she knows dh and I are leaving for vacation tomorrow, so she knows he can't take her, but when I tried to remind her of that, she became even more distraught, saying things like, everything is always more important than she is, she doesn't know why she has to go to therapy, she has been trying for years and there is still so much trouble, the problem isn't her, the rest of us need to be in therapy, etc. etc.

It went from that to, nobody will watch gs  while she is in therapy, she Is going to have to take him in with her, won't that be a great memory, someday he will say, mommy remember that one DR. appointment you took me to. she was becoming more and more unreasonable, and I honestly shut down. I had no idea where to go or what to say to bring her back. All of this because she said she was unable to babysit, and in her mind everybody was going to be angry with her,and all of these horrible things were going to unfold.

how should I have handled that? What should I have said?  Its like she sunk into this dark abyss and I couldn't reach her to pull her out.

[tristesse]

So as some of you know my BPDD30 has recently moved back into my home with GS5, we have had a very bumpy beginning, but my determination to make this work keeps me going.

I seem to be communicating all wrong, so I would like examples of how to handle specific situations.

There was a situation yesterday where DD was asked by DS if she would be willing to babysit the next day ( not his children, his gf sisters children ) as she had done so in the past. She initially said yes she would but then remembered that she had an appointment to be at the school for her own son, she called DS and let him know, it was only about 30 minutes after the initial conversation.

Shortly after she called him, she started to freak out, she came to me and was all distraught about going to her therapy appointment on Tuesday, her brothers GF is scheduled to take her because DD does snot have a license or a car at the moment. She was getting more and more upset by the minute talking about how now she probably wouldn't get  a ride because she turned down the babysitting, she was beginning to panic. She asked me to call her sister and see if sister could take her, sister is a nursing student and has clinicals, so that was a no,so she asked me to ask her dad for her etc. She said " you have to ask, they all hate me and only say yes when you ask ", now she knows dh and I are leaving for vacation tomorrow, so she knows he can't take her, but when I tried to remind her of that, she became even more distraught, saying things like, everything is always more important than she is, she doesn't know why she has to go to therapy, she has been trying for years and there is still so much trouble, the problem isn't her, the rest of us need to be in therapy, etc. etc.

It went from that to, nobody will watch gs  while she is in therapy, she Is going to have to take him in with her, won't that be a great memory, someday he will say, mommy remember that one DR. appointment you took me to. she was becoming more and more unreasonable, and I honestly shut down. I had no idea where to go or what to say to bring her back. All of this because she said she was unable to babysit, and in her mind everybody was going to be angry with her,and all of these horrible things were going to unfold.

how should I have handled that? What should I have said?  Its like she sunk into this dark abyss and I couldn't reach her to pull her out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[InnerSpin]

Hi bp,

My gut instinct would be to stop being 'rescuer'. Step back calmly and say something like, 'I know you'll work it out.'

That's just me. Maybe others will have better solutions. Until not long ago, I would be exactly the same as you, taken on all her angst and solved all her problems. But that's what we do for children. She's not a child. Remind her of that.

[Being Mindful]

How about something like this:

I see you are upset and worried about how you will get to your appointment on Thursday and that you are concerned that xx won't take you since you could not babysit for them. All of this must feel very unsettling when your appointment is so important to you. What can you do for yourself right now to calm yourself?

[pessim-optimist]

hello bp514, 

You have gotten some good advice so far. What Being Mindful's example talks about is first validating her feelings, so she feels heard and understood (that calms them down a bit right from the start); and then inviting an open ended question, so they can start problem solving the present situation.

This way, you are not jumping into the emotional whir-pool with her, you are not solving her problems for her, at the same time, you are supporting her, and are providing an emotional stability and guidance through the crisis. It is important to remember that they are regulated from the outside so to speak, so if we can make teh connection through validating and be the steady, calming force, it will help them regulate their own emotions.

If you have a chance, checking out the book "Loving Someone w/BPD" by Shari Manning (even from a library) might help you a lot. It's an easy read full of practical tips on how to communicate with our loved ones w/BPD.

How are you doing today? How did your DD end up navigating the situation?