Fathers Day dilemma with ex

[refusetosuccumb]

Separated 7 weeks now   We all seem to be settling into our "new" normal with just me and the kids, ex in his own place.  He takes each kiddo for the night once a week.  He isn't able to handle them both at the same time (10yr old boy 7yr old girl) so I have a date night with whichever kiddo is with me.

Dilemma - ex is fixated on "winning" me back.  I left him this time, he left me last year for another woman.  Found out he was still trying to cheat with other women so I left him.  Not interested in reconciling, only stay civil for the kiddos sake.  When he calls, he doesn't always ask to speak with the kids, just wants to talk to me.  If I'm not up for it, I let it go to voicemail and listen later.  If he just wants to talk to me I don't return the call but if he's asking for the kids I let them call him back. 

We were talking this morning about Father's Day.  Asked him what he wanted to do.  He wants all of us to spend a few hours together.  On one hand, the kids like us hanging out.  On the other hand, I don't want them thinking we will get back together.  I always make it VERY clear to him that we are done.  But he keeps trying to come up with excuses for him to see me.  I've been very strong about it (and feel a bit mean because he doesn't have family support, they are just as messed up as he is, sadly).  I don't always trust my gut with him because I'm still coming out of the FOG and that plays a part.

Opinions?

[Matt]

Boundaries... .

I think your instincts are right, but I would suggest you not talk to him by phone or in person unless there is an urgent reason to do that.  E-mail is better.

If he writes an e-mail that isn't about the kids, you can ignore it.  Just respond to practical matters about the kids.

I did stuff with my stbX and the kids, the first year we were separated.  I invited her to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, with other people too, and it went OK, but looking back, it was probably a mistake, for a bunch of reasons.

If you're done, and you've told him you're done, there is no reason to muddy the waters by doing things as a "family".

The exception can be school events, where you are both there as the kids' parents, not together with each other.

[ForeverDad]

I agree:  Boundaries... .

If it is a public event such as a kid's graduation at school, in a school play, playing on a school team, okay.  But on the more personal family type events?  Better to steer clear.  Maybe years from now after both parents are firmly in their own lives.  Maybe.  Remember, it's the close virtually private contact that ramps up the more intense disordered perceptions.

I recall a year ago when my son 'graduated' from elementary to middle school.  There was a program and snacks at the school.  Ex attended with her friend and friend's son.  She invited me to joint them for ice cream afterward.  I felt uncomfortable and simply said no.  She tried guilting me about that but I declined and left.  One year later, end of school year was approaching again.  Something came up and I mentioned that family (mother and son) and son told me, "no, they're not friends anymore, she did something wrong to my mother and they haven't been friends for two years."  Yes, are you thinking the same thing I am?  He was told the friend did something wrong, I suspect otherwise and now her friend is blacklisted.

Emotional guilting and pressuring is the most subtle and hence just about the most difficult to assess and handle well.

[refusetosuccumb]

I am still totally undecided.  He gets along really well when it's just him and the kids, but I always trigger him when I'm present.  It's emotionally exhausting for me to keep my cool when I have to interact with him.  I refuse to engage in front of the kids.  My role has, ultimately, become one of a mom to him.  More than I'm totally comfortable with, to be honest.  His own mom has big issues and our separation has triggered HER (like I don't have enough on my plate, right?).  She made all sorts of plans to help him to move into his own place, pay for hooking up phone/internet (he has enough to live on from his disability, but the extras would be tough for him to do on his own), cosigning a lease.  She totally bailed on him at the last minute.  I ultimately stepped in and asked for help from social assistance (I work for a division of social assistance, but not one that can help my ex directly).  They got him his own place, hooked up internet and phone, and he's settled in now.  So I don't DIRECTLY help him but my connections have come in handy.  To me, the kids need a safe place to visit with their dad.  By helping him, I'm helping them.  I can't seem to do anything better than accept this as is for now until everyone accepts the new normal.  I've set boundaries with him (I won't lend him cash, but I will make phone calls on his behalf for basic needs he has).  For example, he needs a bed.  I called an agency and got him one for free. 

I'm both a savior to him and a trigger for his mom issues.  I read through the Staying Board for tips on how to deal with him when we do have to interact but will ultimately never go back to being married to him.  This is only 7 weeks out of our marriage.  I talk weekly with my T, read these boards every night, and try to make some normalcy for myself.  The kids are thriving, that's the most important part.  My issues are my own and I'm trying to work through them.

Ex tends to be up all night and sleep all day, so he is normally ready to crash out by Sunday evening because he rarely sleeps on the weekends (been his pattern for years).  I'm hoping that's to my advantage.  I'm leaning towards stopping by his house, with the kiddos, with supper in hand to feed everyone and the kids can give their dad their presents.  Then we will go home to get ready for bed as it's a school night. 

Or I will just drop the kids and supper off.  Still undecided.  I have a few days to make a decision.

[Matt]

You're doing what most of us do when we first separate:  You're continuing to look for ways to meet his needs.  That's not all bad, especially if you can do that without getting in the way of the kids'  needs and your own needs, but you'll probably need to back off and let him figure things out for himself.  As long as you are solving all his problems for him - like finding him a free bed and feeding him - he won't grow up and provide for himself.

Of course you want to help your kids by helping their father, and that's reasonable, to some extent.  But they also need to see things for how they really are.  If the truth is their father is not willing to work, that's the truth, and you can't hide that from them forever.

[refusetosuccumb]

Fantastic point, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are totally right. Ive moved over Fear but the Obligation and Guilt are obviously still strong. I will focus on that.