How many of us with successful new relationships?

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi everyone,

Just curious if any of you could chime in if you have had or are currently in the midst of a successful and happy relationship on the other side of leaving your relationship with your BPDex.  I've come a long way in working things through with my T, though I know I still have a bit more work and healing to do.  Still, I can't help but feel a bit jaded about the prospects for good relationships in the future.  There just seems to be nothing out there -at least, nothing with someone that is both stable and whom I'm attracted to!  And that's okay, if that is my path in life  Just curious to hear some success stories, just in case  Anybody?  Anybody?

I'm taking my time.  The most harrowing thought for me, at this point, is in rushing things and then realizing that the person you allowed into your personal space, who will not leave without leaving a wake of carnage behind her, is a destroyer.  Terrifying thought for it to happen again!  It makes me feel claustrophobic!

[trappedinlove]

I can't report on a successful r/s yet. I'm about a year out and I'm not there yet.  Dating was quite frustrating for me. Although I did have a couple more serious connections that lasted a few weeks I felt emotionally shut closed. One of the reasons is that I hid my BPD r/s and my inability to move on.

What I did find is that I've made really good friends with other females. One of them is an exgf I was with before the BPD r/s. She"s is a T experienced with BPD and she understands my situation to the fullest and we're supportive to each other.

Recently I've met a girl through a common interest and the r/s is going surprisingly well although we define ourselves as close friends rather than a couple. The important thing for me is complete openness and the ability to be intimate both emotionally and physically.  She carried FOO baggage and is only half a year from her divorce so she doesn't feel ready to deep dive into a full blown r/s and I'm obviously not ready either so we're balanced and being able to work through our issues together is a gift. Plus we have a lot of fun together!

[arjay]

Greetings.  dBPDxw and I are seven years out.  Still NC.  Had dated a few and one 18month relationship that I broke off because I could see serious FOO issues (she was not BPD).

I have a 4-year friendship with a female and we are both ok with it being the way it is.  Frankly after two marriages and grown kids (50s here) I am less inclined to want a serious relationship (a major turnaround for me after counseling).  

I did the dating site thing for a year after spending two years in counseling.  Frankly I tired of the dating ritual and realized I didn't "need" to be in a serious relationship anymore.  I am happy with my life so in that sense, I have a successful relationship with "me"  

Peace

[goldylamont]

About seven months after ending my r/s with uBPDgf I met a great woman (and off a dating site at that). She had also ended a 7 year r/s around the same time as me. The attraction was pretty immediate and I remember thinking g to myself "no Goldy, you're not gonna fall in love. Just be cool and enjoy things." Almost 2 months into the r/s, just before we would start calling each other gf/bf, I broke up with her to try things again with xuBPD. Of course this was a wash and I could see the light after about a month. So I cut xBPD off completely and then I waited another week or so before contacting the woman I was dating. Amazingly she took me back and from then on I swore off my stupid xBPD and to never hurt the woman I was with again. Well, I fell in love big time! It was wonderful. She was and is wonderful. Please don't believe people if they try and say that pwBPD are better in bed. A woman doesn't have to have daddy issues to be amazing in bed. A man doesn't have to have mommy issues to perform like a champ. This is to say, sex with my new gf was consistently the best I've had. She had been through more FOO issues I would say than xBPD but she had far more integrity and strength. I truly loved her and love her still in many ways. We were together for a year total and ended things mutually -- differences in life goals I suppose. We still keep in touch though after both of us have dated around. I often wonder if we may ever get back together, although I would be supportive and happy for her if she found a new love, as awkward as it would feel initially. Not to idealize her, but in a way I see her as an angel in one of the most troubling times in my life. Its been almost a year since this r/s ended and I've dated less and focused more on building business and working out.

All in all there are beautiful, honest and stable women out there who aren't boring and plain. It's up to us to recognize this in recovery and find these values in others. If you were in a room with 100 attractive people, each one would have some issues here or there, but only 2-5 might be as crazy as our exBPDs. NEVER give the disordered minority PD dominion over your future happiness. Says Yoda "My green butt, may you kiss!" :-D

[woodsposse]

 

I started my  r/s with my GF only two months after me and my (now) ex-wife split up after a 20 year relationship.  Yes, probably not the wisest of moves considering I was so still hungup on my married life and going through the transition which took forever (until I finally went LC and then NC and was able to really start to heal apart from her).

My r/s with my GF lasted 18 months.  We took our r/s as far as we could and it ended (sorta).  I'm not going to say that she has any PD - but she certainly has her fair share of FOO issues... . me as well... . and for whatever our relationship was (which was great, in my mind) - we took it as far as we could and then it ended.

But... . we still talk from time to time, and text, and we met for lunch the other day (and have another meeting planned for sometime this week).  I don't know what that means... . I not looking for doing a recycle or picking up where we left off.  What we had was great for the time we had it and it served a great purpose for both of us.

Now that I'm a little more stable in my shoes from my marriage ending, I'm seeing things a little different that I had 18 months ago.  So... . yes, you can have successful new relationships - but, in my humble opinion, those will always start with you.

If you are at a place where you are comfortable going forward, they you bring the best you to the party.  There are always going to be great people out here (and some not so great people).  That's the beauty of life, love, and chocolate ice cream.  You just have to be ready to accept the best when it shows up - and be okay with passing on the not so great when it shows up.

[Red Sky]

I guess the thing is that we all have issues, albeit of different magnitudes. Basically anyone who has has a previous relationship has some kind of baggage from it. But the difference between an r/s with a pwBPD and someone else is how they deal with said baggage.

Glad to hear that you guys have had some success.

[Split black]

Hi everyone,

Just curious if any of you could chime in if you have had or are currently in the midst of a successful and happy relationship on the other side of leaving your relationship with your BPDex.  I've come a long way in working things through with my T, though I know I still have a bit more work and healing to do.  Still, I can't help but feel a bit jaded about the prospects for good relationships in the future.  There just seems to be nothing out there -at least, nothing with someone that is both stable and whom I'm attracted to!  And that's okay, if that is my path in life  Just curious to hear some success stories, just in case  Anybody?  Anybody?

I'm taking my time.  The most harrowing thought for me, at this point, is in rushing things and then realizing that the person you allowed into your personal space, who will not leave without leaving a wake of carnage behind her, is a destroyer.  Terrifying thought for it to happen again!  It makes me feel claustrophobic!

Yes, yes... . but my situation is a tad... . dysfunctional. Before my current exBPD, I was briefly involved with another pretty young girl. I had no idea about BPD at this time... . that would have been over two years ago.

While at the end of my last recycle the end of Feb, beginning of March... . I ran into this girl at my gym, she moved to my town... . cant say she was a girlfriend, but we did see each other for 4 or 5 months. There wasn't talk at the time of exclusivity... .  but it was assumed. Long story short, she had a bf... . and she exhibited BPD waif like traits that I can totally see at this point.

We started seeing each other again. She wanted to speak about and apologize as to what she did and why. She was seeing us both, cheated on bf with me... . and I guess cheated on me with her bf. I was the 3rd leg, which explained her disappearing acts and unanswered cell and texts... .

Fast forward... . we both discussed our current exes with each other and we have become good friends... . with benefits. Ive been brutally honest and I do believe she has been as well.  I put no pressure on her at all, and she wants to see me often. Always calls, answers texts... .  but there are red flags. Actually lots of them. She acknowledges that she might be BPD, and certainly suffers from anxiety.  

She has been a distraction for me, a rebound... . and shes actually as pretty if not prettier then my ex. Different body types... . but both perfect. So I cant complain. I know Im a distraction for her, she had to put a restraining order on her exbf.

HOWEVER... .  I dont lust after her and want her like I used to... . and I still ruminate over my ex. Don't get me wrong... . sex is great... . but Im so detached and afraid to be burned again that it really feels more like Im going thru the motions... . and Im pretty sure shes not in love with me either, although shes very sweet and affectionate in and out of bed... . but we do have strong LIKE each other feelings... . which I think is healthier at this point for both of us. But trust her again... . that would take a lot.  

I have always been one to advise getting back on the proverbial horse as fast as possible. Dating will lift your spirits and allow you to enjoy someone else's company.

[Ihope2]

At this point in my life, I can't imagine being in a new relationship at all.  I am not yet divorced, after a one year marriage involving a highly dysfunctional dynamic between a co-dependent and enmeshed person (me) and a man with BPD (my soon to be ex BPDh).   He moved out end of March and I haven't seen him since.  There has been contact from his side, very fraught, angry, confused and suicidal.  And threatening at times, revolving around money issues.

I am licking my wounds, taking account of myself and my life to date (I'll be 45 in September).  I am delving into my FOO issues and trying to do my Healing the Inner Child work.

I somehow have this timespan of 2 years in my head.  That is always how long it has seemed to take me between relationships, to heal and move on.

So, perhaps I will only be in a position to declare myself ready to love again and be in a new relationship closer to my fifties!

The thought of going through another dysfunctional relationship (and bringing my own baggage into it all over again) scares me to absolute death!

I enjoy my solitude and my own space, but like most people, I get terribly lonely and sad being on my own.  I have never had children, and my FOO is very small, basically I just have my sister to turn to.  And I do not socialise greatly (very introverted) so I do not have  a social circle of note.

I think I need to get involved in activities outside of work to help me mingle more with like-minded people, such as join a hiking club.  I don't specifically want to go out there and have expectations of meeting a future partner.  I just want to connect with people and have meaningful interaction and feel less isolated.

What will be will be. 

[NoLove]

Hi.

It's been 1 1/2 years since my relationship ended with my ex boyfriend who has BPD. I've been on many dates and met many guys but I haven't felt a connection with any of them. Some are very nice and others have problems (drinking and/or BPD/bipolar problems).

The only good thing that occurred from being in love with my Ex BPD boyfriend is that I am less inclined to believe everything a person tells me. I see many red flags with guys who want to move to a physical relationship before a friendship occurs.

With my ex-boyfriend who is a BPD, I became his friend but he mirrored me (liking everything I liked, etc.) I thought I found my soul mate. He was so sweet, intelligent and fun to be with. Then, out of the blue he changed. I found out he wasn't at all like the man he was when he was with me.

After we broke up, he was involved with one woman after another. His current one was married with two boys. She moved into his house soon after they started dating and her husband divorced her this year. I don't know how long my ex will be with this woman. I gather she has BPD because she was quick to leave her husband and her two sons for my ex boyfriend (she definitely moved up in the social standing because his house is much nicer than the house she had with her husbands and sons). She was a stay at home mom so she is not working. I feel sorry for her sons and her ex-husband.

At this point, I am less trusting than I was before being involved with my ex. Perhaps it is a good thing. Trust should be earned before blindly believing everything a person tells you. One must know a person fully before falling in love.

Even though I am still unattached, I am hopeful that one day I will meet a  man who is honest and without any mental or addiction problems.

I wish you the best of luck. Take care and don't give up on love. I haven't.

[Samsara121]

Greetings.  dBPDxw and I are seven years out.  Still NC.  Had dated a few and one 18month relationship that I broke off because I could see serious FOO issues (she was not BPD).

I have a 4-year friendship with a female and we are both ok with it being the way it is.  Frankly after two marriages and grown kids (50s here) I am less inclined to want a serious relationship (a major turnaround for me after counseling).  

I did the dating site thing for a year after spending two years in counseling.  Frankly I tired of the dating ritual and realized I didn't "need" to be in a serious relationship anymore.  I am happy with my life so in that sense, I have a successful relationship with "me"  

Peace

I have this friend, he's a senior DJ from the first generation in NYC. Once we were talking about Bf/gf and he said to me: "Love relationships are largely overrated!"   I remember I smiled.

So thank you arjay for your honesty. Balance is a very personal feeling and I'm happy you are showing independance in a world where being single is sometimes considered a shameful disease.

[Boss302]

Yes, I am in a good relationship - four years this August, and I love her SO much. But we broke some major "rules" - I got involved with her a few months after I left my BPDx, and was beginning the awful divorce process with her. By all logical measures, we should have failed epically by now, but we haven't. We have a VERY strong bond.

I think what helped me to be able to get into a relationship like this was simple: I was done emotionally, romantically and sexually with my BPDx for maybe as many as 10 years before I left her. I stayed out of duty, basically. So, when my SO came along, my LIFE may not have been ready for her, but my HEART was. She came along at a time I really needed someone (and didn't know how much, because the really awful divorce battles were ahead of me). She is a caretaker too, and we both have to blunt each other's co-dependent/caretaker impulses from time to time, but we're good to each other, and good with each other. One thing about caretakers - we know how to take care of a mate, and God, is it nice to be able to do a little healthy caretaking for someone who appreciates it!

So, I don't know how much help I can be, but I'd posit these thoughts as to what it takes to be ready for a good relationship after your BPDx:

1) Make sure you're emotionally THROUGH with the ex. In my case, I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'd rather have copulated with the hole in a cinderblock than her, and that was true for a long time before I left her, and became no less true afterwards. That probably made two things easier: a) "cleaning my palate" for a new relationship, so to speak, and b) making it abundantly obvious to BPDx that I wasn't coming back... . ever. That stopped a lot of the hyper-manipulative sexual and emotional "please come back to me" behaviors I read about. That never really happened with her.

2) Catch your co-dependent behaviors and find a good therapist. Whether you know it or not, if you were with a BPD, you are co-dependent as hell. My SO is a co-dependent too (married for a LONG time to someone with a substance abuse problem), and spent a LOT of time and energy trying to rescue me and my kids during our relationship. That ended badly for my SO, because as we all know, you can't rescue someone from a BPD - they have to rescue themselves, and the behaviors that cause the problems rarely change. My SO ended up burned out, angry and frustrated. We were able to hit the "reboot" button, and now we focus mainly on the two of US, not everyone else. That doesn't mean I can't lean on her (I do so often, and she does with me too), but it does mean she has her limits. I often ask now if she's reached hers, and sometimes ask for permission to unload on her.

3) Be brutally honest. Tell your SO EXACTLY what your ex is about - let him/her know EXACTLY what this person's world of crazy is about. They need to know what they're getting into. Make it clear to them.

4) Take it slow. Yeah, great advice from the guy who fell in love on his first date with his SO a couple of months after he left his wife, but yes, follow it. Due to our situation, and geography, and family obligations, my SO and I have HAD to take it slow on things like co-habitation and marriage. Strangely enough, I think this has actually helped our relationship. My SO has issues with my kids, who were VERY enmeshed with my BPDx during the divorce, and whether these issues get straightened out all the way is a big "if" at this point. But since we don't live together, she doesn't really have to deal with that stress. We can focus on US, not THEM. Plus, the separations make the reunions awfully nice.

5) Believe you're worthy of being loved. Before I left my BPDx, I ended up in contact with an old girlfriend from college (the "one who got away" type), and wouldn't you know it, there was still something there. I'd never been unfaithful to my wife in 18 years of being together, and this woman and I weren't going to do anything about the obvious chemistry we still had, but I had been so shut down emotionally that I'd forgotten my sexual, romantic self. Well, all of that came flooding back, and before long, I realized that I DESERVED someone who would really love me. My BPDx thinks I left to run off with this woman, which wasn't happening, but she was partially on the right track and didn't know it - this woman made me remember that I'm a man, and am worthy of being loved and desired. It was then that I finally admitted to myself that I'd never have that with my BPDx. It was one of many reasons I left her. And a few months later, I think this is part of what attracted my SO to me.

So, forgive my schmaltz, but, yes, you can have a romantic life after your BPD, and it can be wonderful - trying sometimes, but worth it? Are you joking?