received this letter. need urgent help please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,

After a sleepless anxious, ruminating, sweating horrible night I am still obsessing wildly about the letter.

I haven't replied and my feeling is that I shouldn't.

The letter could be interpreted as an invitation to chase her.  But if I chase her the road its going to take me down is one of pain. she will hold all the keys, the power.  It would affirm that I condone her behaviour towards me.  She will get the validation she wants without any promise of commitment on her part to either try again in the rs or improve her behaviour in it.

so what I am thinking, if I want my fantasy or even a glimmer of hope that she can change and the relationship could work, is that I do nothing and wait.  If I stay nc do you think she will try and reach out again?

I am a basket case

[Front runner]

Hello,

After a sleepless anxious, ruminating, sweating horrible night I am still obsessing wildly about the letter.

I haven't replied and my feeling is that I shouldn't.

The letter could be interpreted as an invitation to chase her.  But if I chase her the road its going to take me down is one of pain. she will hold all the keys, the power.  It would affirm that I condone her behaviour towards me.  She will get the validation she wants without any promise of commitment on her part to either try again in the rs or improve her behaviour in it.

so what I am thinking, if I want my fantasy or even a glimmer of hope that she can change and the relationship could work, is that I do nothing and wait.  If I stay nc do you think she will try and reach out again?

I am a basket case

[GuiltHaunted]

Hey FR,

My opinion is that only YOU know if the right thing is to reply and perhaps go for a reconciliation, if the opportunity presents itself. Personally, I wouldn't advice against that... . As this should be your choice alone.

Better is to give you advice, should you desire to reconnect with her... . I respectfully disagree with Woodsposse: Life IS a game, sad... . But that is the way it is. And especially love. So, if you do want to reconnect, you want to make sure to play your cards right and make sure you get the upper hand and it is on your terms.

Under no circumstances "spill your guts". It shows weakness and is unattractive and might cause her to feel good about herself. It might actually help her to detach. Keep her at an arms length for now.

I would reply something like, "thanks for your letter, I am going on Holliday and I am busy untill then.  If you would like to talk, let's meet up when I get back".

See if she agrees to a meeting, if not she is probably just writing to soothe herself. Also, this will give you peace until you get back. If she pushes for texts/calls before your vacation, tell her that you don't have time, and that you can talk when you get back. Keep her at an arms length. Find whatever excuse necessary (work, family, whatever).

[GuiltHaunted]

... . either she wants to reconnect (in which case she will agree to a meeting)

or

... . she is trying to justify her decision to herself, and make herself feel better.

Call her out on it...

[GuiltHaunted]

Wanted to write more before, but my iPad was running out of juice. Hence, the split posts.

I speak from personal experience. It's one of the things I regretted the most was "spilling my guts". After she broke up with me, I went NC/LC (without even knowing there was such a term). We didn't speak for about 1 1/2 month, except for a few messages of practical nature.

Then she started a rage attack on me. That I had moved on too fast and what a terrible person I was. Which was all textbook projection of HER shame, that SHE had a replacement lined up and had been with him, since the day after we split (she had moved on too fast, and blamed me for doing so). An emotionally stabile person doesn't attack her ex, in that case. Had she been happy, and with out emotions towards me, she wouldn't have given me a second thought! And much less have raged towards me. So I think this was actually a window where she had doubts, if the choices she was making were right.

I spilled my guts, on what a mess I was, how much I missed her, how much I would want her back and all the things I would do for her if she changed her mind.

The result was that she, went calm, apologized for the attacks, that she was unaware I felt like that and wouldn't have written had she know it. And then continued to tell me not to get my hopes up and that we were done.

She got her reassurance, that I was still miserable, and she got the strength to calmly continue with the replacement, knowing I was still there, should it fail. I.e. I helped her make sure that she wasn't making a mistake, with what she was doing. I still wish I had responded differently back then (I have long forgiven myself though), but if reconciliation is what you desire, keep you cards close to yourself - until SHE opens up about her feelings.

[Front runner]

Wanted to write more before, but my iPad was running out of juice. Hence, the split posts.

I speak from personal experience. It's one of the things I regretted the most was "spilling my guts". After she broke up with me, I went NC/LC (without even knowing there was such a term). We didn't speak for about 1 1/2 month, except for a few messages of practical nature.

Then she started a rage attack on me. That I had moved on too fast and what a terrible person I was. Which was all textbook projection of HER shame, that SHE had a replacement lined up and had been with him, since the day after we split (she had moved on too fast, and blamed me for doing so). An emotionally stabile person doesn't attack her ex, in that case. Had she been happy, and with out emotions towards me, she wouldn't have given me a second thought! And much less have raged towards me. So I think this was actually a window where she had doubts, if the choices she was making were right.

I spilled my guts, on what a mess I was, how much I missed her, how much I would want her back and all the things I would do for her if she changed her mind.

The result was that she, went calm, apologized for the attacks, that she was unaware I felt like that and wouldn't have written had she know it. And then continued to tell me not to get my hopes up and that we were done.

She got her reassurance, that I was still miserable, and she got the strength to calmly continue with the replacement, knowing I was still there, should it fail. I.e. I helped her make sure that she wasn't making a mistake, with what she was doing. I still wish I had responded differently back then (I have long forgiven myself though), but if reconciliation is what you desire, keep you cards close to yourself - until SHE opens up about her feelings.

Thank You. I'm inclined to agree. She's not actually asking me to initiate contact at this stage. The letter is probably designed to give her some validation and keep me on the back burner.

By staying nc I can keep trying to detach and at the same time sending out a message I'm not that readily available for a recycle. Asking her if she'd like to meet is just throwing away all the incredibly hard and painful work I've done in going nc. She can ask me if I want to meet her if if and when she wants to do that. Then I can decide if I want to do that. Not the other way round for once. She's being manipulative in my opinion. Pressing all my buttons without putting any of herself on the line.

[GuiltHaunted]

You are welcome, hope my bitter experience helps you in your choices.

She's being manipulative in my opinion. Pressing all my buttons without putting any of herself on the line.

Exactly like my ex used to do. Since the breakup (13 months), she never opened up for ANY emotions whatsoever. Me on the other hand spilled my guts on several occasions. Each time empowered her, and making myself feel worse about myself. Last time, without any reciprocation from her side, was 6 months ago (NC since then!   ).

To this date I still have absolutely NO idea about how she felt about the whole deal. The most I got her to say at some point was "you know me, I am not made of stone". If one party continues to poor out emotions, and the other knows exactly how they feel, it is safe to hide their own emotions, and that way make an advantage.

A game is exactly what this is. The only way you can refuse to play, is leaving her alone. But, eventually you will have to play games with another girl anyway (dating games   ). Love is unfortunately a game (until in a mature relationship).

[Front runner]

Hi Everyone,

Just to update you on the letter.

I have not replied.  I don't think she was actively trying to reconcile the situation or get back together at this stage.  It was about control and keeping me on her string.  Probably designed to make me fold and beg her.  I am still undecided but realise I need much stronger boundaries to have any chance of making this work so she would have to make way more effort to reconnect.  Her actions were deplorable.  Still obsessing about her getting in touch.  Like a boat just drifting.  But Thanks to all your responses I have not replied, erring on the side of caution and finding a bit of strength.  So Thanks.  I have been back to this post 100 times and its amazing. 

The holiday was stressful (good in parts).  However, I drank way way too much.  This was not good for anxiety PTSD ruminations.  In fact terrible.  So going all out for a Month on the wagon.  I'll let you know how I get on.