update on 5 month broken NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

I posted a few days ago that Sunday night I awoke at 4am to pee to find that my uBPD ex bf had tried to contact me via Linkedin and google video chat at 2am that night. I ended up being worried something really bad had happened and responded-- well I never should have. This is the longest he's gone not contacting me, and I've gone to great lengths such as changing email and phone number, etc to try to prevent this from happening. Yet he STILL found a way to ignore my boundaries and break his promise that he'd leave me alone.

I am SO triggered by him. He immediately apologized for contacting me, said that he was having a night of insomnia and was reading through some old texts and emails. I guess it made him sad and he reached out.

He said he's moving on and that he's coming to a place of acceptance that we're not a good match, etc. He also has a girlfriend and I couldn't help myself and asked him if he's in love with her. He said, "I think so". He has tremendous guilt and wants healing. He wants to know I'm ok and also wants to hear that I forgive him. He obviously is struggling to forgive himself.

I am realizing just how angry I am. I am so so angry that he contacted me again. He's in love with someone else, has moved on, etc., and yet he STILL, after so many promises that he would stop doing this, contacted me again. I have been doing better and working so hard to get my footing again. I just feel like, how dare he insert himself into my life and my head anytime he chooses against my wishes.

Of course hearing he's moved on, hearing he's doing so well and that he just wants to hear that I'm happy-- I mean, I don't want to hear any of that. I don't want to hear that he's fine thinking about me happy with someone else.

And it's not that I wish him any ill will. I do hope he's happy. But I do not want to hear about it, know about it, have more details to ruminate about, think about him with someone else, etc.

I hate that I'm so triggered and he has this much effect on me. And now, I've resorted to threatening him. That's how desperate I am to have him leave me alone. I told him if he ever contacts me again, I'll contact his gf, his family, his friends, his boss-- anyone I can, and tell them that he won't stop harassing me.

In some way, he's obviously isn't as Zen about the whole thing as he said he is. I mean, why is he contacting me out of the blue, at 2am, after FIVE months NC, when he has a gf he's in love with and when I've repeatedly told him I don't want contact?  It's just so selfish.

It also makes me feel hurt that he's moved on faster than I have.

And the worst part is, I gave him the satisfaction of seeing that once again, he still has such a huge impact on me. In some way, I think so long as he gets a reaction, he can have the satisfaction of knowing he still  has this connection to me.

I'm emotionally exhausted by this. It's really messed with my head. I am so so angry. I literally feel violated. I feel like he walked up and punched me in the stomach. I don't want him to have that kind of power, but I cannot fully control my emotions in the face of contact with him. I KNOW this about myself. And that's why I don't want to have anything to do with him. I hate that there is someone out there who at any time can just barge into my life-- even if it is through cyber stalking means and not in person in real life, and set me back in the progress I've made.

[tango1492]

I posted a few days ago that Sunday night I awoke at 4am to pee to find that my uBPD ex bf had tried to contact me via Linkedin and google video chat at 2am that night. I ended up being worried something really bad had happened and responded-- well I never should have. This is the longest he's gone not contacting me, and I've gone to great lengths such as changing email and phone number, etc to try to prevent this from happening. Yet he STILL found a way to ignore my boundaries and break his promise that he'd leave me alone.

I am SO triggered by him. He immediately apologized for contacting me, said that he was having a night of insomnia and was reading through some old texts and emails. I guess it made him sad and he reached out.

He said he's moving on and that he's coming to a place of acceptance that we're not a good match, etc. He also has a girlfriend and I couldn't help myself and asked him if he's in love with her. He said, "I think so". He has tremendous guilt and wants healing. He wants to know I'm ok and also wants to hear that I forgive him. He obviously is struggling to forgive himself.

I am realizing just how angry I am. I am so so angry that he contacted me again. He's in love with someone else, has moved on, etc., and yet he STILL, after so many promises that he would stop doing this, contacted me again. I have been doing better and working so hard to get my footing again. I just feel like, how dare he insert himself into my life and my head anytime he chooses against my wishes.

Of course hearing he's moved on, hearing he's doing so well and that he just wants to hear that I'm happy-- I mean, I don't want to hear any of that. I don't want to hear that he's fine thinking about me happy with someone else.

And it's not that I wish him any ill will. I do hope he's happy. But I do not want to hear about it, know about it, have more details to ruminate about, think about him with someone else, etc.

I hate that I'm so triggered and he has this much effect on me. And now, I've resorted to threatening him. That's how desperate I am to have him leave me alone. I told him if he ever contacts me again, I'll contact his gf, his family, his friends, his boss-- anyone I can, and tell them that he won't stop harassing me.

In some way, he's obviously isn't as Zen about the whole thing as he said he is. I mean, why is he contacting me out of the blue, at 2am, after FIVE months NC, when he has a gf he's in love with and when I've repeatedly told him I don't want contact?  It's just so selfish.

It also makes me feel hurt that he's moved on faster than I have.

And the worst part is, I gave him the satisfaction of seeing that once again, he still has such a huge impact on me. In some way, I think so long as he gets a reaction, he can have the satisfaction of knowing he still  has this connection to me.

I'm emotionally exhausted by this. It's really messed with my head. I am so so angry. I literally feel violated. I feel like he walked up and punched me in the stomach. I don't want him to have that kind of power, but I cannot fully control my emotions in the face of contact with him. I KNOW this about myself. And that's why I don't want to have anything to do with him. I hate that there is someone out there who at any time can just barge into my life-- even if it is through cyber stalking means and not in person in real life, and set me back in the progress I've made.

[LettingGo14]

Hello tango1492 --

You have every right to feel angry, and to feel that your boundaries were violated.

You also have the right to give yourself a break.  And to be kind to yourself  And to know that every moment, you are afforded the chance to begin again -- there's no failure here.   You are on the path to reclaiming yourself.

I tend to ruminate too much, to assume that she's miraculously "fixed" now that she's with a replacement.  And, I get frustrated with myself for being triggered sometimes by her voice in my head.

But --- and this is my ephiphany -- everything about my ex-girlfriend is now in my head and my heart.   Which -- and this is the good news -- makes everything workable.   It means I can actively re-frame, re-consider, detoxify, dissipate FOG, etc.   Every single day I am diminishing the power I gave her.  She is less and less radioactive as I reclaim myself.   I am de-sensitizing my memories of her.

And I think you are on that path too.  

Please be kind to yourself.   You are doing the work.  

[GuiltHaunted]

I don't know if this will help you or not, I don't know if you are far enough. But still with 5 months NC I'll say it for your consideration anyway... .

I just feel like, how dare he insert himself into my life and my head anytime he chooses against my wishes.

"How dare YOU, to let him have this influence on your life?"

He is a free person, he is allowed to go against your wishes. YOU are the one choosing, how you react to him breaking your wishes. He is only responsible for getting into your computer/linkedin/phone etc. YOU are the one letting him into your head.

Maybe 5 months isn't quite enough to see it that way. But at some point, he won't have that influence, because your own respect for yourself won't allow him to influence you in this way.

Basically, all this suffering (for all of us) boils down to lack of self-respect. If having respect for yourself, would you allow yourself to waste precious time of your life, thinking over this? Would allow yourself to suffer, when it's only a decision in your head to stop it? Remember there is nothing physically wrong with you, everything can be stopped, just by changing your thoughts and perceptions!

[LettingGo14]

... . by changing your thoughts and perceptions!

I know it's easier said than done.  But, I concur with this.  I don't know if Buddha actually said this or not, but it's very true as we re-frame and re-consider everything, to detach and to be free.

"Since everything is a reflection of mind, everything can be changed by mind."  (Buddha)

[tango1492]

I do know this. And of course part of my anger is self-directed. I'm angry that I am still this affected by him, angry that I reacted, angry that I responded at all, angry that I care, and angry at the ways I'm not fully healed and not fully in control of my thoughts and emotions. Yet, the whole reason I don't want contact is because I'm working on that stuff and don't want to be re-triggered.

Yet, I don't really agree it's his right to disrespect me and violate my boundaries. Obviously it's his capability, but that doesn't mean that people have an innate right to intentionally and repeatedly violate someone's boundaries.

Believe me, my immediate thought I'd that clearly I need to make an appointment with my therapist. It's not healthy for ME to carry around this anger and resentment. It's not hurting him. He's moving on & lives 1000 miles away from me in New England.

I can see that I have a long ways to go. I suppose a good test for anyone regarding how much they've grown, how healthy they've become, how much acceptance they've found... .would be contact with their ex. I mean, one day, it's like to imagine that I'll have healed enough NOT to be triggered at all if he contacted me. But for now, I just want to be left in peace. I feel it's my right to never have him in my life again if I so choose. Does that make sense?

[Trent]

But for now, I just want to be left in peace. I feel it's my right to never have him in my life again if I so choose. Does that make sense?

As someone who is just under 3 months NC, I can completely relate to what you're saying.  Each time they contact us, it sets us back.  Mentally, we know we need to stay away so we can detach and don't get triggered, but emotionally, it's still very difficult.  On the other hand, we need to consider that pwBPDs don't respect boundaries very well, and it's up to us to strictly enforce them.  In this case, it may mean that you might want to consider blocking your ex on ALL avenues of communication, including LinkedIn and Google video chat.  Furthermore, if he does contact you again, you need to stay strong and NOT RESPOND, which is a lesson I'm guessing you just learned.  If he needs help for any reason, he'll have to find someone else to take care of him, because he is not your responsibility any more (as if it ever was!). 

I'm sorry you have to go through this.  Try to not to be so angry at yourself for being a loving, caring person.  Just recognize what you need to do to take care of yourself now.  Good luck! 

[LettingGo14]

But for now, I just want to be left in peace. I feel it's my right to never have him in my life again if I so choose. Does that make sense?

Yes -- it makes complete sense.  I'm not saying this is only on you.   He did violate your space and break your boundaries.

I just want to affirm that you did not set yourself back by being triggered.  This is a process of detachment, not a switch, and you are doing a good job.   

[myself]

I just want to affirm that you did not set yourself back by being triggered.

True. Being triggered shows us what we still need to work on.

Some times steps 'backwards' lead us to a better path.

Or remind us we're already on one.

[willy45]

Hey Tango,

I agree with you. Sure. It is easy to blame ourselves for taking the call, reading the email, blah blah blah. And yes. We are responsible for doing that/not doing that. But I think it is also completely justified to be angry that someone repeatedly tries to break our boundaries. It sucks. It isn't fair. It is hurtful. And it is not OK. It is a violation.

So yes. Be pissed. That will help. But don't be pissed at yourself. Take it as a learning opportunity because this will certainly happen again. I've been at it for almost 2 years! I'm finally at the point where I just ignore emails or phone calls. The ___ty part is, they still trigger me. I still go nuts. I still fall into PTSD mode where my heart races and I can't control my feelings. It completely sucks. But, I think the more you just ignore, the more they fall away. I wish I had done this earlier.

It's hard. Give yourself a break and use that anger to further distance yourself from this horribly unhealthy situation.

[tango1492]

That's exactly right Willy45.

We can choose to ignore the contact in the sense of not responding/replying/reengaging. BUT that heart racing, PTSD-ish response... . well, that's something that's not under our control. And that feeling is pretty awful.

My therapist literally told me recently that it almost seems like I have PTSD and that clearly the relationship and that couple year period in my life was traumatic. Reading the exact definition of PTSD, I wouldn't go so far as to say I have that. But it's some lesser but similar version for sure.

My ex will never comprehend how I experienced the relationship, the pain and hurt it's caused me, and the grief I've felt through the nearly year of disengaging post-break up. One thing he kept repeating a few days ago when we had contact was, "I forget how differently we think." 

Clearly he and I have processed things very differently. I've been in therapy for the last year, single, and just focusing on myself. It's been really difficult, but at least I'm facing my pain and issues and I didn't just rebound with someone new. I had enough integrity not to involved someone in my life before being over this last relationship.

The bottom line is, he triggers a deep pain and anger inside me. I am actually a stable person with a good head on my shoulders. I'm well respected as a good mother, good employee, good friend, etc. I am beginning to truly believe that there are just certain people who are toxic for us and bring out the worst in us.

I hope this does not happen again- but I know you say you think it will. I'm actually hopeful that this time was the last. I felt so pushed to the limit that I resorted to threatening that if he ever contacts me again I will contact his friends, family, boss, gf, etc. I just feel he should have consequences the way I do --something that negatively impacts him when he crosses my boundaries. I just keep thinking that if he had some negative ramifications- like the embarrassment of me telling the people in his life that he won't stop crossing my boundaries and won't leave me alone- that will be enough for him to stop.

I am pretty hopeful it will be. I don't think he wants that drama. It just sucks that it's only when he has consequences that I think he'll stop. He doesn't care what the consequences have been for me. Not to mention, in a way, I probably gave him some satisfaction of a pretty big reaction. So long as I react like this, he knows in some way that I'm still out here, caring about him, feeling a connection, and getting emotionally hooked by him-- knows in some way he still has me. So I also feel kind of regretful for giving him that satisfaction.