Overcoming your own issues.

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Hi All,

After separating from my BPDgf I found myself here and have done a lot of research on other sites as well.

I came to realise that I was attracted to her in some way because of my own issues stemming from childhood.

Reading about co-dependancy has shed a lot of light on my own behaviours and this seems to be common to those of us that have become involved with a pwBPD.

The trouble I'm finding is that I have no idea about how to start resolving the issues I have.

I have started seeing a T in the hopes of working it out but we seem to be on a different page. The advice I get is the general type stuff like eat well, exercise, get back into hobbies etc.

I expected her to be digging a bit deeper and I'm not sure whether to start seeing another T or if I just need to get on with it and things will fall into place now that I at least have a better understanding of myself.

I'm wondering if anyone here has gone through this process to better themselves and if so what worked best for you?

Was seeing a T beneficial or is it something you just have to take on yourself the best you can?

Thanks in advance.

     

[Sgt Biggs]

Hi All,

After separating from my BPDgf I found myself here and have done a lot of research on other sites as well.

I came to realise that I was attracted to her in some way because of my own issues stemming from childhood.

Reading about co-dependancy has shed a lot of light on my own behaviours and this seems to be common to those of us that have become involved with a pwBPD.

The trouble I'm finding is that I have no idea about how to start resolving the issues I have.

I have started seeing a T in the hopes of working it out but we seem to be on a different page. The advice I get is the general type stuff like eat well, exercise, get back into hobbies etc.

I expected her to be digging a bit deeper and I'm not sure whether to start seeing another T or if I just need to get on with it and things will fall into place now that I at least have a better understanding of myself.

I'm wondering if anyone here has gone through this process to better themselves and if so what worked best for you?

Was seeing a T beneficial or is it something you just have to take on yourself the best you can?

Thanks in advance.

     

[LettingGo14]

Hello Sgt Biggs -- thanks for posting the question.  I think it's a great discussion and many members here can give you excellent perspectives.

The single biggest factor in my "recovery" -- and I equate it to "recovery" -- was learning about mindfulness, and returning attention to how I thought and felt.  I never really learned how to "hold" and work through difficult emotions.  But mindfulness, through meditation, helped me immensely.

There's a good discussion of what is called "wise mind" here:  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

[Mutt]

Hi Sgt Biggs,

It's perfectly fine that you don't feel like your on the same page as your T. If you feel like your not having your needs met and your not a good fit, shop around for one that syncs with you and meets your needs. It is your money after all, spend it wisely.

From my experience with T's and this is only my personal observation and may not reflect entirely on other members but I find that they work with you as your are now and give you strategies to cope and move forward.

Have you broached the subject with your T about enmeshment and codependency?

[Sgt Biggs]

Thanks LG,

That was a good link and I'm definitely going to start practising more mindfulness to try and cut out the self depreciating inner dialogue and repetitive thought patterns that have plagued me a lot lately.

Mutt,

I've spoken with her about co dependency as this is what I specifically wanted to work on, I told her about my FOO which I've recently come to believe has had a bigger impact on my life than what I previously thought.

I thought this might be a good starting point but it was basically dismissed and I was told everyone displays codependent traits to a degree.

Perhaps she suspects I am over thinking this subject and I admit I am but at the same time I know myself enough to know I've been this way most of my life. I think I'll try another T and see how that goes.

I guess I know that the work is mine to do but I am after strategies to help and that's really what I was hoping for more so than the usual advice on eating well, sleep, exercise blah blah blah.

I'm just starting to wonder if I'm expecting too much from seeing a T. 

SB

[55suns]

Hey Sgt Biggs:

Just wanted to commiserate and let you know you are not alone.  I have just learned about codependency and like you am starting to understand that my FOO which I previously thought to be benign had a huge effect on my present.  I have found reading about codependency has helped me immensely.   I have read codependency for dimmies, codependent no more as well as facing codependency.   My T has also been helpful in identifying codependent traits as well as their origin.   Good luck, we are in the same boat my friend.

[Sgt Biggs]

Thanks 55suns,

It's been a hell of a ride the past couple of months but I'm pleased to be getting some answers out of this whole mess.

It's just a matter of plotting the path forward, but I'm confident I'm on track. I'm about half way through "Facing codependency" and it's making a lot of sense.

Today I rang another T and he seemed to know where I was coming from,   I think a male T might be able to relate to me a bit better as well.

Good luck too, I hope things are falling into place for you!   

[Mutt]

I've spoken with her about co dependency as this is what I specifically wanted to work on, I told her about my FOO which I've recently come to believe has had a bigger impact on my life than what I previously thought.

I thought this might be a good starting point but it was basically dismissed and I was told everyone displays codependent traits to a degree.

We all display borderline traits as well, I'm glad you decided to switch T's.

[iluminati]

With therapy itself, it's just like any other working relationship.  It takes a bit to really gel and get moving.  Also, the therapist needs to get a feel for you and figure out what's going on and how to present his or her insights.  Give it some time, keep at it, and eventually you'll get going.

In terms of the other stuff, I would just try to take it one activity at a time one week at a time.  Don't expect your life to just click back to normal.  A lot of damage has likely been done, and it will take months, maybe years, to get back to normal.  Just pick one activity, do it right, get comfortable, then try to expand your life.  Eventually, things will get back to where things were.

[OutOfEgypt]

I've been seeing a T who does ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy) for a few years, and it has helped me tremendously.  Invaluable.  Found myself.  Women actually see me as "cocky", which cracks me up because historically I was always so shy and easy to push-over.

[antjs]

my relationship lasted for 6 weeks. three weeks of idealization, 1 week of devaluation, break up, 1 week recycle, 1 week break up again. i started to get the picture during the devaluation week, i gave it a try in the recycle and thats it


my therapist (supposed to be one of the best in the country) ended my sessions two weeks ago. he said that i am normal. just suffering from ptsd. he diagnosed my ex with BPD. i brought up childhood issues and co-dependency but he can not see any of them in me. i questioned him about my behavior during the relationship and the break up. i chased her for two weeks after the break up though i started to know about BPD. i told him that if i was healthy i would have walked away during the first crazy making incident in the devaluation phase. he said it is normal to be patient for some limit. you didnt lose your intuition that much and you were smart enough to walk away early. he also added that it is ok to chase her two weeks after the break up as you still have emotions.

i dont see it like this. i am feeling good now. but i remember that was not the case after the break up. i needed her after the break up. healthy people do not do this. healthy people are confident that they are moving to a better thing. I do not know what to do or where to start on my own with myself.

[OutOfEgypt]

I think your therapist is trying to point out that we tend to put a LOT of blame onto ourselves.  Granted, in my case I know I have issues, but I also see that a lot of my issues involve a) trauma (like you said, PTSD), and b) that we are used to being blamed.  I mean really... . my wife, when we were married, told me all the time how codependent and insecure I was.  Now, I realize that I certainly had issues, and still am working through some of them, but that was a lot of projective identification.  She wanted to instill all of her insecurities into me and treated me in such a way as to cause me to believe that I was the one with those problems.  Pretty insidious.

We learn to judge and condemn ourselves for not being "normal".  Part of our problem is that we constantly think we have a problem, stemming from self-aggression.  

i needed her after the break up. healthy people do not do this. healthy people are confident that they are moving to a better thing. I do not know what to do or where to start on my own with myself.

I'm not saying I 100% agree with your therapist.  I'm just saying that I also pick up on how we punish ourselves with this "idealized" standard we have in our minds.  We have this thought in our heads that we are to blame and that a "normal" person would never have done X, Y, or Z.  We must be "wimps" or pushovers.  I used to think that therapy would make me "bullet-proof", like I could stride through breakups and losses with grace and ease, like those self-help books tell you "normal" people do.  A "normal" person would have been able to get on with things much easier, etc.  Well, not necessarily.  And that kind of self-punishment/self-judgment isn't helpful.  It actually keeps us stuck.

Whether you are codependent or not, who doesn't want to be loved?  Who doesn't want things to work out?  Who doesn't struggle with breakups?  Who doesn't have insecurities?  Who doesn't feel a sense of "need" (or better explained... . deeply painful loss that we don't want to face) after the ending of a relationship?  Now, add in the fact that BPD's are so adept at drawing and manipulating and demanding adoration and total preoccupation.  They put is on pedestals for a moment so that we will permanently return the favor.  Maybe we were ripe to get sucked into it, but if it wasn't you it would be somebody else.

[BorisAcusio]

my relationship lasted for 6 weeks. three weeks of idealization, 1 week of devaluation, break up, 1 week recycle, 1 week break up again. i started to get the picture during the devaluation week, i gave it a try in the recycle and thats it

Abusive relationships are devastating, no matter how long they lasted but your therapist may dismissed the FOO issues prematurely as you appereantly fell deep considering the length of actual association. It may be just a sign that you were invested too early, in this case, lesson learned.

[antjs]

my relationship lasted for 6 weeks. three weeks of idealization, 1 week of devaluation, break up, 1 week recycle, 1 week break up again. i started to get the picture during the devaluation week, i gave it a try in the recycle and thats it

Abusive relationships are devastating, no matter how long they lasted but your therapist may dismissed the FOO issues prematurely as you appereantly fell deep considering the length of actual association. It may be just a sign that you were invested too early, in this case, lesson learned.

Yes i invested too early and learned my lesson. Before this relationship i use to believe that u should take it slow and u dont be needy and to take it with a good pace with ur partner. I did not know that fast pace was used by abusive people. During the idealization phase she was acting vulnerable and open actually needy to. She invited me to do the same and i thought it was ok as long as it is mutual. I didnt know what she was cooking for me later on. But i didnt eat a lot. Only 2 or 3 crazy making incidents and i was done. Her devaluating phase only lasted with me 6 days and i was done. I left her

[rougeetnoir]

Just my two cents:

1.  As a general rule, I'd suggest that one trust the advice of therapeutic professionals over that of random strangers on the internet without professional qualification.  Remember that people here can throw around therapeutic terms without understanding your situation and how it differs from their situation (the old saw: to a man with a hammer everything is a nail). We can stick around in our relationships for a variety of reasons... .  

2.  Many times therapy works by uncovering patterns that we didn't know existed-- if you come in with a predetermined pattern (be it FOO or whatever), the therapist may back off.  Remember that for certain therapists, the goal is to help you first discover your "difficulties" in a non-judgemental environment and then proceed to work through them. If you come in with a preconceived "problem" there is already a sense of judgement about yourself in that declaration.  (i.e. I'm messed up that I ended up with this messed up person).

Moreover, in the case of a recent break-up the therapist may prefer that you start encountering the emotions related to the break-up rather than immediately finding a solution (issues with co-dependence or whatever).  Many times we can use things that are therapeutic sounding to avoid dealing with immediate issues, which can be more important to work through first, because they can also lead to long term problems and patterns (I think of this scene from Frasier where he uses therapeutic terms to cover over his emotions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGsvWc75Bo8).  It is also a bit like going to see a doctor because your leg is bleeding and then demanding they treat your underlying hemophilia before stanching the bleeding.

3.  Finally, if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist, you don't feel comfortable with your therapist.  Find one you trust and then work with them and their expertise-- not your expertise based on some internet diagnoses.  That's why you (or hopefully your insurance company) are paying them the money-- they have years of training and experience; I don't, for instance.

Good luck!

[D82]

I'm gonna echo the last reply a bit.

I just started therapy a couple months ago after a similarly brief whirlwind with someone my therapist is convinced was undiagnosed BPD. And I, too, have asked to dig deeper and draw connections to my unresolved issues regarding my mentally ill father. My therapist has so far been resistant to this. He told me not to worry, that we'll delve into this much larger issue eventually, but for now he wants me to work on accepting what just happened. In his words: "You were in way over your head... . There is nothing abnormal or wrong about your obsession and depression over this girl. This is unfortunately what happens when you get burned by someone with BPD."

My initial instinct was that the only way to stop obsessing was to force myself to stop talking about it, even in therapy. To use rougeetnoir's metaphor, I thought my therapist's job was to help me apply pressure to stop the bleeding. What I'm realizing now is that my therapist is insisting I take the gauze off the wound and actually go ahead and bleed out. Yes, that sounds dangerous in regards to a physical wound, but maybe that's the difference between physiological and psychological damage. We need to allow the death of this experience in order to move forward with life.

[antjs]

In his words: "You were in way over your head... . There is nothing abnormal or wrong about your obsession and depression over this girl. This is unfortunately what happens when you get burned by someone with BPD."

my therapist's similar words : "do not underestimate the amount of trauma you have been subjected to. you are too hard on yourself. you are pushing hard forward and this might actually backfire. you have been subjected to toxicity, projections and introjections. in simple words, though the period you stayed with her was short but it was intense. you spent most of the time with her, you spent it with a disordered person and that keeps you off the balance for some time but you will be ok later. i am quite impressed with your progress but please do not push it."

[OutOfEgypt]

do not underestimate the amount of trauma you have been subjected to. you are too hard on yourself. you are pushing hard forward and this might actually backfire. you have been subjected to toxicity, projections and introjections

It is true.  I've been doing therapy for a few years, some of those years during affairs, then my divorce, then a recycle.  Finally I'm free and finishing up therapy, but its like... . I'm still deeply traumatized.  You cannot go back to how you were before.  It is impossible.  You can just find a way to heal and move forward and hopefully become stronger and wiser and find better ways to deal with the massive scars you carry.