Good questions Fannie,
Are NON's too weak ?
My personal view is that the folks on this board are not weak. It takes a lot of strength to maintain a relationship with a pwBPD.
Now if one would ask me how it comes that a lot of us feel so weak if they are so strong I would point to a lack of skills. People are not using their strength in the most effective manner. And yes a lot of us here are exhausted and acting weak. But we have been strong and can become again so.
Shouldn't we learn how to be "leaders" of the whole family ?
Yes and no. We first and foremost have to start leading ourselves. Simply making the scope smaller makes the goal so much more achievable. It is worth remembering that leading does not mean dragging everyone along with us - leaders are followed and the energy for following comes from the followers budget.
are not too many things in the relationship "open ended" (grey areas)
Sure a lot of things are grey. But it is also true that we have to take at times positions which are concrete and not grey. And then wait, nudge and sometimes push the others around us fall in place if order is to emerge. We may be flexible but that does not absolve us from making decisions. Our decisions may impact others but not making decision if we are in the best position has a negative impact on everyone. Not making decisions may be forcing or enabling decision making by someone less qualified or with a lower ownership stake.
The way I see it is that society has evolved and basic rules have been established like "Treat people the way you want to be treated" which is based on Reciprocity - a basic psychological principle at work in the fabric of our society. Now when dealing with a at times disordered individual we can not rely on some of these basic rules. A subset of the rules still works but it may not be so obvious and some other rules work at times. The LESSONS can help to give some guidance on what works and what not.
Remember the saying. Treat people the way you want to be treated. I threw that out the door. My motto is "I will treat you how you treat me".
Tit for tat is of course in some way validating - aggression is met with aggression. With one party prone to unlimited escalation however it may not be a stable set-up. Certainly it is not healthy. Still it may be leading to less escalation than being a doormat as being passive in the face of aggression can be invalidating.
The challenge for us here is to find a third way. Not being doormat and not getting into a retaliation frame of mind. Blunting aggression with boundaries and validating depressed and aggressive behavior is an important part of it.
I [... . ] go with the flow,
If the flow is going round circles this strategy may lead down the drain. But knowing where we want to go, setting out and fighting for it may well be another important learning. A lot of us are co-dependent and are really good in aligning ourselves. We have to learn to do more and we have to learn it in very difficult circumstances.
We may be exhausted but we are not weak. A big part is how to use our energy effectively (skills) and to know which conflicts are worth fighting and being able to avoid the ones which are not. Avoiding conflicts is not leading us anywhere good, just reacting to conflicts brought to our shores is not leading anywhere either.
I wanted peace
I snapped,
We are dealing with a conflict prone partner and embracing the partner is to a degree embracing conflict. We have however a choice in how well we master conflict.
A good starting point to get better are workshops on boundaries. Boundaries are under our control and properly thought through focus our mind on the things we can decide and what consequences these decisions may bring with them. Mastering boundaries goes a long way mastering ourselves and managing conflicts.
This is not at all advocating more conflicts
. We all know conflict is costly. But then conflict can also bring about some positive change. A lot of our attitude towards conflicts may well have been shaped in earlier times of our life. Some of us had negative experiences, some of us lack experiences and some of us adopted believes from other without much awareness.
It is worth reflecting what we have learned and where we may be lacking.
