My uBPDxbf is starting to appear where I go – input needed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

We broke up over a year ago and apart from some brief text messaging there has been no contact, or I should say, there has been no contact on his part. I have tried to communicate some but for the most part we have been NC since the breakup.

A couple of months ago I contacted him about some things but never heard back. I talked to a friend of his, and this made him angry. In short business as usual for him, avoiding me at all costs, and I have basically not seen him at all since the breakup. He has told me he won't even say hello if he sees me out.

But now I have started seeing him places. One place is a spot where we used to go on weekends. Yes, other people got there also but he is very well aware of how much I like going there and it'd be a pretty sure place to bump into me.

The other is a course. He doesn't know that I take this particular course but he knows I do that same thing and the people there are not his usual crowd. Although our respective circle of friends overlap some, we basically have separate social lives. So the time I saw him there I went home and instead sent him a text asking how he thought we should deal with these situations in the future, because it is sure to happen again. No response.

I feel I can't pretend to not know a person that I know. And plus it is more than not knowing, it is completely the opposite of acknowledging a person's existence. I see loads of possible scenarios where this would turn awkward and ridiculous, not just even mostly for us but for those around us. If we for instance talk with a mutual friend, we can't ignore the friend so should we ignore each other because you can't very well pretend you meet the other person for the first time, let's say in a situation where the mutual friend is about to introduce us. A lot of these people that we both know have never seen us out together. And if I see him at the course again... . it's a course where you have to interact with all other participants. And if he refuses to do so he will ruin it for everybody. I can't abide with this childish attitude anymore and now I am thinking I will write and tell him that I won't follow his “rules”.

I want to tell him that obviously he can choose to do what he wants but I will not pretend to not know him. I will say “hi” and he decides whether to respond or not. Nor will I lie about who he is if anybody asks. I am doing this for my own sake because I want to be prepared and know that I have given him the heads up. I also don't want to behave the way he does and I won't stop doing what I like.

[mitti]

We broke up over a year ago and apart from some brief text messaging there has been no contact, or I should say, there has been no contact on his part. I have tried to communicate some but for the most part we have been NC since the breakup.

A couple of months ago I contacted him about some things but never heard back. I talked to a friend of his, and this made him angry. In short business as usual for him, avoiding me at all costs, and I have basically not seen him at all since the breakup. He has told me he won't even say hello if he sees me out.

But now I have started seeing him places. One place is a spot where we used to go on weekends. Yes, other people got there also but he is very well aware of how much I like going there and it'd be a pretty sure place to bump into me.

The other is a course. He doesn't know that I take this particular course but he knows I do that same thing and the people there are not his usual crowd. Although our respective circle of friends overlap some, we basically have separate social lives. So the time I saw him there I went home and instead sent him a text asking how he thought we should deal with these situations in the future, because it is sure to happen again. No response.

I feel I can't pretend to not know a person that I know. And plus it is more than not knowing, it is completely the opposite of acknowledging a person's existence. I see loads of possible scenarios where this would turn awkward and ridiculous, not just even mostly for us but for those around us. If we for instance talk with a mutual friend, we can't ignore the friend so should we ignore each other because you can't very well pretend you meet the other person for the first time, let's say in a situation where the mutual friend is about to introduce us. A lot of these people that we both know have never seen us out together. And if I see him at the course again... . it's a course where you have to interact with all other participants. And if he refuses to do so he will ruin it for everybody. I can't abide with this childish attitude anymore and now I am thinking I will write and tell him that I won't follow his “rules”.

I want to tell him that obviously he can choose to do what he wants but I will not pretend to not know him. I will say “hi” and he decides whether to respond or not. Nor will I lie about who he is if anybody asks. I am doing this for my own sake because I want to be prepared and know that I have given him the heads up. I also don't want to behave the way he does and I won't stop doing what I like.

[mitti]

Anybody has any thoughts on this? If I should let him know, I need to do so before the next course which is this weekend and he only checks his email at work so it really would have to be today or tomorrow... .  

I am really stunned as to why he apparently no longer is trying to avoid places where we are likely to bump into each other, at the same time refusing any kind of interaction. He must realize he will be the one to come off as weird.

[OnceConfused]

THis could be a game of power. He tries to let you know how powerful he is over you , by not answering your messages and you are the one that keep up the contact.

I guess in this game you blink first by asking questions about his intentions. He is then showing his superiority by making you become invisible.

I suggest you just have to lead your life the way you want and not letting him dictate subconsciously where you should or should not be. Remember how after 9/11, president Bush asked us to lead our normal life so that the terrorists did not take away our ways of life with the attack. Same here.

WHen you see him in a bar or so, simply walk past and don't even say a thing. Make him feel INVISIBLE and insignificant .

Don't even text . Why argue with some one who cannot be argued?

[mitti]

Hi OnceConfused and thanks for your input.

THis could be a game of power. He tries to let you know how powerful he is over you , by not answering your messages and you are the one that keep up the contact.

Yes, it may very well be that this is a power thing for him even though he has clearly stated he doesn't want for me to contact him. He has given me the silent treatment before although never kept it up this long, and never so stubbornly not responded. He would tell me afterwards that he actually liked that I tried to stay in touch partly because he knew I was still there for him and still cared about him, but also because it gave him the chance to reject me which made him feel empowered.

I suggest you just have to lead your life the way you want and not letting him dictate subconsciously where you should or should not be.

But that's just it though. He has never tried to be a part of my life and although he knows some of the people who come to this course, it is held by people who are a part of my social circle and not his. So I am not staying away and I am not having him dictate to me how I should behave. I am not avoiding my friends or behaving odd because we are to pretend we don't know each other. The only way to win is to not play the game and I am not playing. He is counting on my participation in this because he expects I will feel awkward. I will but I am not going to let him know that 

He will be the one to come off as mean or unfair. I will say hi and he will not respond. How will that look to other people? And if they ask me who he is, I will tell them he is my ex and that I have no idea why he won't say hi or why he is angry.

But I am not arguing with him. I am simply wanting to tell him that I will not pretend I don't know him and hopefully he will stay away.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi mitti,

Sounds like an uncomfortable situation.  It is not the same, but my situation is similar since I share children with my uBPDexw.  Plus, the town we live in is fairly small.  I do my best to avoid personal interaction, and when I have to interact with her I avoid all personal and emotional interaction as much as possible.  I don't "give her a piece of my mind", for example, as that would be emotionally engaging her.  I simply realize that nothing I say is going to change how she is, so it is not worth emotionally trifling over.  If she goes on and on about her personal life, I glaze over, nod, and stare blankly.  I'm not rude, but I interject when she stops for a breath and change the subject or say that I'm sorry but I have to leave.  I make general remarks like, "Hmm... . that sounds tough.  Life can be that way." or "Oh, good for you.  That sounds nice."  It is about detaching and keeping it detached.  You cannot possibly stop them from being how they are, and in situations like ours we cannot micromanage our lives to completely avoid any contact, so the goal is simply emotional detachment.  Arguing with him, texting him to ask him why he is doing things, even sitting there ruminating about why he is doing something, is just keeping you tied to him emotionally -which is bad for you but good for him (its what he wants).  He is always going to continue to play his game, even "beat" you at times (whatever that means), but you don't have to play the game.  His game will always be the same... . provoking a reaction, getting a sense of control and power by seeing how emotioinally wrapped up in him you are (and that can be through a negative reaction just as much as it can be through a positive one).  Go about your life and emotionally detach.  If he gets mad and throws a fit, then stare blankly and don't respond, and go about your business.

[mitti]

Hi OutOfEgypt,

It can't be easy in a small town and I totally agree with you that better stay away from any type or arguments to not get sucked back in to all the drama. And it must be especially hard when you have kids together.

In our case, I am not even sure what he wants or doesn't want to engage me, or if he knows himself. All I know is that he has stayed away and avoided me for the past year, refused to interact with me (not that I have tried except for a few times) and now he seems to not be worried about running into me but all the same won't respond. I don't need to interact with him but I won't play these BPD games in public. It's was never really a problem when we were together because we hardly ever went out and he never wanted to meet my friends. So this is a first for me - dealing with his BPD in a social setting and if there's going to be drama I am not going to have it come from me. That's why I refuse to pretend I don't know him. Because, under normal circumstances, nobody would behave that way.

I don't think he wants a reaction from me. It might just be enough for him that I feel bad because he won't talk to me, idk. So I am doing this the way it will bother me as little as possible, because obviously I don't like this, and deliberately not doing what he has told me actually makes me feel better, especially since it also means just treating him like somebody I used to know. I will say "hi" and he can't respond if he wants to. The reason I want to let him is so that hopefully he stays away.

[mitti]

I will say "hi" and he can't respond if he wants to. The reason I want to let him is so that hopefully he stays away.

Correction: I will say "hi" and he can respond if he wants to. The reason I want to let him know is so that hopefully he stays away.

[mitti]

Update: I texted him simply saying that I have no idea why he is angry and then letting him know that I will not pretend to not know him. I will say "hi" and he can respond if he wants to and then clarifying that I will not leave again because he is there. I felt certain he wouldn't want to expose himself to that and it felt good to be able to just have a fun time and not worry about him.

So what happens... . he turns up with a couple of people, that didn't participate in the course themselves but were just spectators, and it was obvious they were there as his support or whatever because they kept looking over at me. He stayed with them to begin with but when it seemed he could be in a different group from me he joined in but then they switched groups and we had to interact with each other. I said "hi" and he blanked me. And when we had to interact one on one and this is a dance thing so you have to hold each other he was quite rough with me and jerked me around a little. I said nothing.

In fact I was fine and all in all it didn't bother me that much apart from one incident where we were waiting for instructions and we had ended up as partners and he just left to go and stand on the other side of the group. So I said to him, using his first name, and in a very friendly tone, that he was supposed to stand next to me. He replied that he changed partners and I asked why. He didn't respond. All this in front of the other people in our group.

I felt OK during the course although coming home in the evening I felt so so sad. I am not sure he will want to subject himself to that again, but if so, what should I do? It's not OK for him to disrupt this course. It is open to anybody but if there you obviously can't single people out and refuse to interact with them and more importantly you can't manhandle your dance partner.