the cold shoulder

[Bee Girl]

Hello,

I suppose this is a common complaint, but my partner is currently being cold and palpably hostile to me but denying it. I've been in this situation so many times that I've learned not to go past asking if there is anything wrong more than once, because that just gives him a "legitimate" reason to blow up at me, which is what he really wants to do.

It takes all of my energy to ignore his cold fury and pretend right along with him that nothing's wrong, but it's like a game of chicken. He'll find a "reason" to get angry and the episode will devolve from there. If I'm lucky it will pass.

This time it was because he found a silly and innocent 20 year old photo booth photo of me and an ex. Last time it was because I didn't feel well. The time before that was because I came home late because of a meeting I'd told him about. Each time he "wasn't angry". But was.

Just venting, I suppose. It's either post to people who understand or give in to the urge to poke the bear and get it over with.

thank you.

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[losinghope97]

Bee Girl,

I know just where you are.    You get that sinking feeling in your stomach that something is a miss and then the dance begins where each every word uttered, or gesture could be the one that sets them off.

You are absolutely right, most times just to get the anxiety over with, you just want to prick the balloon, deal with the rage and get back to 'normal', what ever that is.

I wish there was some magic to stop it all, but I sure haven't found it.

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in knowing these feelings, even though it can feel that way when your in the storm.

LH97

[maxsterling]

When you say "cold" and "hostile" - how so?  Just in being quiet, keeping to himself, or is he saying things, making passive aggressive statements, etc?

I'm gonna agree with you that asking "what's wrong?" more than once is futile.  But I would also suggest phrasing it different - "you seem upset to me, is there anything you would like to talk about?"  Saying "what's wrong" is apparently invalidating, because you have already assumed something is wrong - you have assumed to already know his emotions.

In any regard, I know exactly how you feel, because this is how I feel at least once per week.  And you are right, more often than not what they are upset about is something well beyond your control.  One time I was 10 minutes late because of a traffic accident.  I was met with a hostile mood.   Another time I could not answer the phone because my phone had to be rebooted.  Again, a hostile response.  The only thing that helps me is to tell myself over and over that it has nothing to do with me.

[Bee Girl]

By the cold shoulder, I mean he was being withholding and short with me and clearly angry with me. Not greeting me when I came home. Not talking to me unless I talked to him. I made the one inquiry and then tried to converse normally.

The situation has progressed (he'd left for work without saying goodbye) and now he has been texting me paranoid accusations about the photo he found, but when I simply said "I'm sorry the photo seems to have upset you" he goes into the gaslighting and projection. It's actually scary, because he is so adept at turning things around. Now according to him I am the one that's upset and being weird about the photo. It's an incredible manipulation. There's no winning, and believe me I'm not even trying to play the game.

I dread his return from work. He is insanely jealous. I've posted on the leaving board because I feel I need advice about leaving.