broke no contact and watched old video

[Depression = 72% of members]

 I broke no contact to see if with my new armed knowledge I could see through it.

And I did.  Then I watched a video from the idolization phase and I remembered... . I really remembered... .  damn this!

Part of me wants to believe maybe I am wrong and I just over reacted maybe shes not borderline.  I mean she never raged. I remember thinking why am I going nuts whats wrong with me.  I searched the internet for ":)addy issues," and someone mentioned cluster B disorders so I looked those up. It was like a revalation.  I wasn't crazy!  I kept searching and reading I wound up here.  When I read it was permanent it wouldn't go away and there was no going back to the way things were. My heart broke again.  I hate this. She ruined me.  I never felt anything this strongly in my life. I just want her back.  I never stopped loving her not one bit.

Reading about how she never really loved me. I am just a replacable object.  These realizations crushed me. I hate this. I don't think I will ever be the same after this.  I reached my limit the edge and I came crashing down.  My mind snapped I had a nervous breakdown.  I lost a lot of business over this .  I came within a few hours of offing myself because the anxiety attacks were so frequent and so bad. I started buying lotto tickets to give me something to look foreward to.  

Whats the difference between borderline tendencies and the disorder?

Yeah maybe its wishfull thinking.  But I still cling to some shred of hope I suppose.  I just don't know how to let this go.

[Blimblam]

 I broke no contact to see if with my new armed knowledge I could see through it.

And I did.  Then I watched a video from the idolization phase and I remembered... . I really remembered... .  damn this!

Part of me wants to believe maybe I am wrong and I just over reacted maybe shes not borderline.  I mean she never raged. I remember thinking why am I going nuts whats wrong with me.  I searched the internet for ":)addy issues," and someone mentioned cluster B disorders so I looked those up. It was like a revalation.  I wasn't crazy!  I kept searching and reading I wound up here.  When I read it was permanent it wouldn't go away and there was no going back to the way things were. My heart broke again.  I hate this. She ruined me.  I never felt anything this strongly in my life. I just want her back.  I never stopped loving her not one bit.

Reading about how she never really loved me. I am just a replacable object.  These realizations crushed me. I hate this. I don't think I will ever be the same after this.  I reached my limit the edge and I came crashing down.  My mind snapped I had a nervous breakdown.  I lost a lot of business over this .  I came within a few hours of offing myself because the anxiety attacks were so frequent and so bad. I started buying lotto tickets to give me something to look foreward to.  

Whats the difference between borderline tendencies and the disorder?

Yeah maybe its wishfull thinking.  But I still cling to some shred of hope I suppose.  I just don't know how to let this go.

[antjs]

I broke no contact to see if with my new armed knowledge I could see through it.

And I did.  Then I watched a video from the idolization phase and I remembered... . I really remembered... .   damn this!

Part of me wants to believe maybe I am wrong and I just over reacted maybe shes not borderline.  I mean she never raged. I remember thinking why am I going nuts whats wrong with me.  I searched the internet for ":)addy issues," and someone mentioned cluster B disorders so I looked those up.  Then I started reading about the behaviors of Triangulation and gaslighting. It was like a revalation.  I wasn't crazy!  I kept searching and reading I wound up here.  When I read it was permanent it wouldn't go away and there was no going back to the way things were. My heart broke again.  I hate this. She ruined me.  I never felt anything this strongly in my life. I just want her back.  I never stopped loving her not one bit.

Reading about how she never really loved me. I am just a replacable object.  These realizations crushed me. I hate this. I don't think I will ever be the same after this.  I reached my limit the edge and I came crashing down.  My mind snapped I had a nervous breakdown.  I lost a lot of business over this .  I came within a few hours of offing myself because the anxiety attacks were so frequent and so bad. I started buying lotto tickets to give me something to look foreward to. 

Whats the difference between borderline tendencies and the disorder?

Yeah maybe its wishfull thinking.  But I still cling to some shred of hope I suppose.  I just don't know how to let this go.

blimbam my ex was diagnosed with BPD by my therapist. she only raged at me once. all her ways were subtle manipulation, devaluation and belittling. there was nothing very obvious or so rude that u can point your finger at but still i felt during the relationship that something is wrong. she triangulated with her ex. i discovered that the subtle emotional abuse was there during the idealization phase alternating between terrorizing me that all men are after her and making me desire her more by affection, sex, attention and that look in the eyes.

the only time she raged at me was followed by a lucid phase of crying and saying "i am a miserable woman with a miserable life. you do not want to be with me. you can do better." remember the other post where you were talking about them saying phrases with double,triple and quadruple meanings. she was basically lucid and knowing that there is a pattern of feelings everytime she is with someone knew and by that time she figured out that it will end up with me the same way it ended with her exs (because they have no sense of self and mirror you during the idealization phase so they get fed up and ashamed of acting) and she can see that i am a decent person and do not deserve the devaluation and abuse that is about to happen and escalate. at the same time, she was using reverse psychology with me and expecting me to say "no i will never leave you. i love you." and thats actually what i did.

sometimes the disorder takes a nap and they get these lucid moments. but still after what i am telling you i have been discarded in a second and being blamed for all of it. she saw it coming and on some level she was trying to warn me that she can't help it. she was the silent type too. only one rage during the whole relationships. she would wake up feeling down, i would feel something is wrong. try to comfort her but she keeps pushing with this fake smile and "nothing is wrong" statement. she is just dissociated. after a break up and before a recycle, i was trying to reason with her (i did not know about BPD at that time) and told her that i dont see any reason for this emotional roller coaster (i used the term before even knowing about BPD) and i told her what was going on. she was like some problems with family, job and so on. i asked her why would not you share or warn me about this? you have just used a switch and i could not understand. she told me that it is not my problem and she didnt want me to be worried. I WAS LIKE What the heck ARENT WE SUPPOSED TO BE SOUL MATES ? HOW ARE YOU NOT EXPECTING FROM ME TO CARE ABOUT THIS ? still blimbam during the recycle the manipulation, abuse and control escalated.

sometimes they are not raging but still the disorder is there. as Tausk always says "THE DISORDER ALWAYS WINS."

[BorisAcusio]

I broke no contact to see if with my new armed knowledge I could see through it.

And I did.  Then I watched a video from the idolization phase and I remembered... . I really remembered... .  damn this!

Part of me wants to believe maybe I am wrong and I just over reacted maybe shes not borderline.  I mean she never raged. I remember thinking why am I going nuts whats wrong with me.  I searched the internet for ":)addy issues," and someone mentioned cluster B disorders so I looked those up.  Then I started reading about the behaviors of Triangulation and gaslighting. It was like a revalation.  I wasn't crazy!  I kept searching and reading I wound up here.  When I read it was permanent it wouldn't go away and there was no going back to the way things were. My heart broke again.  I hate this. She ruined me.  I never felt anything this strongly in my life. I just want her back.  I never stopped loving her not one bit.

Reading about how she never really loved me. I am just a replacable object.  These realizations crushed me. I hate this. I don't think I will ever be the same after this.  I reached my limit the edge and I came crashing down.  My mind snapped I had a nervous breakdown.  I lost a lot of business over this .  I came within a few hours of offing myself because the anxiety attacks were so frequent and so bad. I started buying lotto tickets to give me something to look foreward to.  

Whats the difference between borderline tendencies and the disorder?

Yeah maybe its wishfull thinking.  But I still cling to some shred of hope I suppose.  I just don't know how to let this go.

blimbam my ex was diagnosed with BPD by my therapist. she only raged at me once. all her ways were subtle manipulation, devaluation and belittling. there was nothing very obvious or so rude that u can point your finger at but still i felt during the relationship that something is wrong. she triangulated with her ex. i discovered that the subtle emotional abuse was there during the idealization phase alternating between terrorizing me that all men are after her and making me desire her more by affection, sex, attention and that look in the eyes.

the only time she raged at me was followed by a lucid phase of crying and saying "i am a miserable woman with a miserable life. you do not want to be with me. you can do better." remember the other post where you were talking about them saying phrases with double,triple and quadruple meanings. she was basically lucid and knowing that there is a pattern of feelings everytime she is with someone knew and by that time she figured out that it will end up with me the same way it ended with her exs (because they have no sense of self and mirror you during the idealization phase so they get fed up and ashamed of acting) and she can see that i am a decent person and do not deserve the devaluation and abuse that is about to happen and escalate. at the same time, she was using reverse psychology with me and expecting me to say "no i will never leave you. i love you." and thats actually what i did.

sometimes the disorder takes a nap and they get these lucid moments. but still after what i am telling you i have been discarded in a second and being blamed for all of it. she saw it coming and on some level she was trying to warn me that she can't help it. she was the silent type too. only one rage during the whole relationships. she would wake up feeling down, i would feel something is wrong. try to comfort her but she keeps pushing with this fake smile and "nothing is wrong" statement. she is just dissociated. after a break up and before a recycle, i was trying to reason with her (i did not know about BPD at that time) and told her that i dont see any reason for this emotional roller coaster (i used the term before even knowing about BPD) and i told her what was going on. she was like some problems with family, job and so on. i asked her why would not you share or warn me about this? you have just used a switch and i could not understand. she told me that it is not my problem and she didnt want me to be worried. I WAS LIKE What the heck ARENT WE SUPPOSED TO BE SOUL MATES ? HOW ARE YOU NOT EXPECTING FROM ME TO CARE ABOUT THIS ? still blimbam during the recycle the manipulation, abuse and control escalated.

sometimes they are not raging but still the disorder is there. as Tausk always says "THE DISORDER ALWAYS WINS."

Your T may suggested that she is borderline but I'm sure that no professional will do distance diagnosis. My uBPDexgf never raged in the first year of our relationship, as it was a LDR with only spending half of the week together. Then she became unemployed, lost custody of her daughter and we started to spend more time together. Her general anxiety levels rised to a point where she started act out, rage frequently over things like a slice of pizza. I've never seen anything like that. It was truly horrendous.

It could be that your relationship was not long enough to expereince rages as she was mostly in a stable state.

[antjs]

btw my ex had also daddy issues. her ex-husband is 50 years (she is only 29 now !). you would say a mistake and she should learn and move on. but her other exs are 48,39, 52 respectively :D  i was the first one to be with her who is actually younger. i am only 26. and guess what ! she got 2 abortions   god how did i miss all those    

[antjs]

Boris what i witnessed was BPD. my therapist's diagnosis was just a confirmation. i discovered that she is BPD before going to this therapist.

[BorisAcusio]

Boris what i witnessed was BPD. my therapist's diagnosis was just a confirmation. i discovered that she is BPD before going to this therapist.

I absolutely do not doubt that but I'm sure that your T used conditional language.

[Waifed]

Blimblam

It doesn't really matter what her diagnosis is.  If she treated you with love and respect then the both of you are a good match.  If she used control, manipulation, lies, and cheating to get what she wanted then does it really matter?  It really is as simple as that.  Do you respect yourself enough to leave a toxic situation?  The answer gets much easier with time and NC.  You need to take care of yourself first, always.  Hang in there!  You will get through this.

[Changingman]

BlimBlam,

I was really close, lost all sense of who I was. I know she will have to live with what she does, does this register with her... . ? not really. 4 years and I was still in this crappy non relationship... WHY? That is the real question.

I found out my Mum has BPD, she is 68 and still destroying her 5 kids. This does not get better, if anything I believe as Sam Vaknin says the false self of BPD strangles the true self of the person, use it or lose it.

Find yourself again, I'm a year out and am still feeling some degree of hurt everyday. We have been dissected by them, now is the time the heal... it really can be seen as a gift.

Be kind to yourself

Changingman

[antjs]

actually her being BPD is better. at least, it serves as an excuse for her (though i still feel that they enjoy hurting close people). if what i have witnessed is done by a non diseased girl i would say that she is a selfish mean b*tch.

[LettingGo14]

She ruined me.  I never felt anything this strongly in my life. I just want her back.  I never stopped loving her not one bit.

I said those words, over and over, and I rolled around in my pain and agony and shame.   I felt ruined too.

But, at some point, after the needle was out of my arm long enough, I started to say, Enough.  It was like I was on the floor of a jail cell that had a door wide open.

I just don't know how to let this go.

We beat the ___ out of ourselves.  We circle our pain.  We identify with it.  Craving and aversion -- the source of suffering, per Buddha.   Yet we cling.

There are 7 billion people in the world, and many us -- including me -- linked our happiness and identity to single individuals who proved to be... . [insert your choice of adjective].   I'll just say, disordered.

Blimblam -- I rolled in here four months ago in agony.   Every single day since then my ex-girlfriend has shrunk in stature in my mind.    It's not because she changed.  

It's because I changed.

I don't want you to suffer anymore -- I don't want any of us to suffer anymore. It's not what happens to us that matters, it's how we relate to it.    

[jackhzrd]

She ruined me.  I never felt anything this strongly in my life. I just want her back.  I never stopped loving her not one bit.

I said those words, over and over, and I rolled around in my pain and agony and shame.   I felt ruined too.

But, at some point, after the needle was out of my arm long enough, I started to say, Enough.  It was like I was on the floor of a jail cell that had a door wide open.

I just don't know how to let this go.

We beat the ___ out of ourselves.  We circle our pain.  We identify with it.  Craving and aversion -- the source of suffering, per Buddha.   Yet we cling.

There are 7 billion people in the world, and many us -- including me -- linked our happiness and identity to single individuals who proved to be... . [insert your choice of adjective].   I'll just say, disordered.

Blimblam -- I rolled in here four months ago in agony.   Every single day since then my ex-girlfriend has shrunk in stature in my mind.    It's not because she changed.  

It's because I changed.

I don't want you to suffer anymore -- I don't want any of us to suffer anymore. It's not what happens to us that matters, it's how we relate to it.    

Thank you! One of the best posts on these boards!

[seeking balance]

Reading about how she never really loved me. I am just a replacable object.  These realizations crushed me. I hate this.

It helped me to understand that everyone has a different definition of love.  We were all loved to the best of the ability by someone with a serious mental illness.  By understanding it is the actual intimacy/love/attachment that actually TRIGGERS the disorder, you can indeed see you were loved.

I don't think I will ever be the same after this.  I reached my limit the edge and I came crashing down.  My mind snapped I had a nervous breakdown.  I lost a lot of business over this .  I came within a few hours of offing myself because the anxiety attacks were so frequent and so bad. I started buying lotto tickets to give me something to look foreward to. 

Thank God we are not the same-it means we used a traumatic event to grow, to learn and to forge new meaning in our lives.  Check out this TED talk ... . sums this up nicely.

www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are

Whats the difference between borderline tendencies and the disorder?

It is a spectrum disorder - anyone can show patterns especially during stressful life times.   The disorder is a pervasive pattern over time.

Yeah maybe its wishfull thinking.  But I still cling to some shred of hope I suppose.  I just don't know how to let this go.

We let go by letting go - it is not some major event... . it is a decision to change and then actions to support that decision... . if there were a magic pill, I would let you know.

Every single day since then my ex-girlfriend has shrunk in stature in my mind.    It's not because she changed. 

It's because I changed.

This is your answer... . golden

Peace,

SB

[Boss302]

Part of me wants to believe maybe I am wrong and I just over reacted maybe shes not borderline.  I mean she never raged. I remember thinking why am I going nuts whats wrong with me.  

My mom, who is a recovering alcoholic, has said this about alcoholism: it's not how much you drink, but how the drinking affects your life. I think this kind of logic has an application to BPDs as well. In that light: the question isn't whether her particular BPD behaviors included lots of raging, but how her BPD behaviors OVERALL are affecting you.

BPDs engage in plenty of other harmful behaviors besides raging, after all. My BPDx raged infrequently, but she did lots of idealization / painting black. There were days that I was the greatest husband on earth at noon, and the worst man in recorded human history by suppertime. There was also dishonesty, manipulation, unstable relationships, withholding love and affection, failure to take responsibility for her own issues, and a host of other things - all BPD behaviors, right down the line.

She didn't need to rage to hurt me - her other behaviors were damaging enough.

[Tausk]

Hey BB:  

Thanks for posting and thank you for your honesty.  It helps me and everyone on the board.  It hurts.  I didn't believe that I could survive.  But I did, and am stronger for it.  Your feelings are unique to you, but we understand.  And it helped me so much to have feelings validated on the Board.

When I was with my ex, I was never validated.  The FOG was too strong, and my friends and family didn't understand.  In fact, half my family has BPD, which I realized after coming on the board.   But here, people understood.  They thought like me.   Their actions were similar to mine.  Their feelings, experiences... . like finding my story written by the thousands who came before me.  

And that gave me the slightest bit of hope that I was not alone.   That I was not crazy.  And that there might be hope for me.  Just a tiny shred of hope as to how to move forward and survive the caustic pain of the abandonment and loneliness.  And that's what kept me coming back, venting, sharing, relating, supporting and living.

You will too.  The path of recovery has been paved by people who came before us.  And we are walking it.  Because of the pain, we may not see the path clearly or even recognize that it's recovery, but every step we take here is on the path of recovery.  

You're doing it. You've grown so much in the past three weeks.  It's hurts to grow.   It means changing and changing can be suffering.  They why it's called growing pains.  But we receive rewards for our pain today.  We grow from our pain.   In the Disorder the pain just means more pain, and nothing ever changes.  Just more pain.

Today, we are stronger, wiser, better, and larger due to our pain.  If we keep hope and faith alive in the tiniest corner of our hearts, we will recover.

[Blimblam]

I have to admit... .

I even texted her

"well hopefuly we can kick it sometime wit no drama in the future."

she replied, "of course."

I understand the circumtances I think.  Just for fun.  Or have I seen too much?  

last times I saw her I was struggling to make sense of it all and she persecuted me for that.  I know what she is now though.

please don't shun me.

[Blimblam]

I just want to thank all of you! I don't know where I would be without you all.  I probably wouldn't be.

[myself]

Blimblam,

If it works with her, accept it and be yourself.

If it doesn't work with her, accept it and be yourself.

If contact helps you, accept it and be yourself.

If NC helps you, accept it and be yourself.

Acceptance and being ourselves is what will get ANY OF US through this.

[Boss302]

Agree with "myself" 100% - I think you need to decide whether you really want to be out of the relationship or not.

[Blimblam]

Agree with "myself" 100% - I think you need to decide whether you really want to be out of the relationship or not.

I think I'm going to go nc for a while. And deal with all my core issues and resolve them.  Once I fully accept the situation I may hang out with her now and then maybe when I'm painted white and bail at any sign of drama. But with knowledge that the fantasy isn't real. 

[Boss302]

Agree with "myself" 100% - I think you need to decide whether you really want to be out of the relationship or not.

I think I'm going to go nc for a while. And deal with all my core issues and resolve them.  Once I fully accept the situation I may hang out with her now and then maybe when I'm painted white and bail at any sign of drama. But with knowledge that the fantasy isn't real. 

If that works for you... . but I have a feeling it won't, especially if you've "resolved your core issues." I think if you get to that point, you won't want someone like this in your life at all.

But keep coming around in any case... . let us know how this is coming along.

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry Blimblam, for the pain you're going through.  I, and many of us here, have felt exactly as you do.  Heartbroken.  Ruined.  I had extreme anxiety after my first break up and took medication to make it through the day.

Don't think that she never really loved you.  I believe my xBF loved me very much.  My T explained that strong feelings for someone are what triggers the disorder.  He said "You're the problem now."  

Every person with BPD is different.  Not all rage.  Mine isn't terrified of being alone.  (I think he realizes he's more peaceful when he's alone.   )  It's a spectrum.  The labels don't really matter.  And there are people on the Staying board who are successfully navigating their BPD relationships. But, as you know, it's a long hard road.

There is nothing wrong with you for loving her and wanting her back.  I've certainly been there as well.  Unfortunately in my case round two didn't go so well either.  

I hate this too.  All the pain you and I and so many others are going through.  It really, really sucks.  I can promise you it does get better.  Takes a while but it does get better.  The other day I realized that he wasn't the first thing I thought of that day... . big progress.  Starting to get some distance and realizing I don't really like him all that much anymore.  (Still love him - don't like him as a person.  I've lost a lot of respect for him.)  

What I'm beginning to realize is that for me it's not so much about him anymore.  It's about the pain of rejection.  Feeling abandoned.  (And all the understanding of BPD behaviors doesn't make that pain any less.)  Figuring out why I stayed in an abusive relationship.  Learning how to make myself feel safe.  I don't think I'll ever be the same after this relationship either.  But I hope in some ways I'll be better.  

Take very good care of yourself and try to take it one day at a time.  It's when I start obsessing about him and the future that I get myself in trouble.  I'm more peaceful when I can remember to just deal with today, and what I'm feeling today, and take care of tomorrow tomorrow.  Sending you  .

[Blimblam]

thank you Emelie,

When she was on acid and all the layers were peeled back...  I saw it... . I saw her realize emotions without the disorder twisting it.  Each realization was an epiphany for her and I would see her mind race making connections. She was bad tripping she was a little girl full of shame and terrified.  She would look into my eyes and I could see the fear and then I could see her mind racing  and in my gaze she found she could trust me and she would have an epiphany one after another.  

She told me I was the only person she ever trusted before.  And in that trust she found parts of herself she never felt before. I didn't understand what was going on only that it was one of the most intense experiences of my life.  She was looking into my eyes and and she said something like... . "wait I don't understand I never felt this before,"and her mind raced and her eyes widened and It hit her like a chorus of angels and sublime understanding, and she said, "This is real love." And she balled her eyes out in tears of joy. And she kept saying "thank you, thank you, thank you."

Then I saw a change in her and she looked at me in pure dread, and the thank yous turned to "Im sorry, Im so sorry... I don't want to but I have to... . please forgive me... Im sorry... . " that went on for ten minutes.  I eventually soothed her and she explained, "Im going to hurt you, I cant help it but I have to, but I love youuuuuu... . Im soo sorry," and she begged and pleaded for me to trust her she made me promise. she explained that if I didn't have faith and  and didn't trust that she loved me she would be lost forever. I promised her to never let go.  She had me promise on my life.  She told me she didn't know she had no Idea this was even possible to feel this way and if I let go of this she would die. I told her "You wont die, its going to be ok."  She said, "Not die die you don't understand."  Then she had me promise her again to just trust her and faith. And she gave me this look like her fate lay in my hands.

She doesn't remember any of this now! :'(

She bared her soul to me it was the most real honest connection I ever made in my life.  If it wasn't real I don't know what is.   Maybe that's what drove me insane.  I just don't know

[Dog biscuit]

She bared her soul to me it was the most real honest connection I ever made in my life.  If it wasn't real I don't know what is.   Maybe that's what drove me insane.  I just don't know

The confusion lies in the fact that you felt this real connection, and if you felt it, she must have felt it. She probably did.

But the worth or significance of that feeling is different for the both of you. It says something about who you are, about how significant it is for you to feel this connected! It is a wonderfull thing you are able to feel and value. And it is heartbreaking that she doenst share that value. It truly is.

It is such a lonely feeling that something of this importance isnt shared by the one you love. It is indeed chrushing.

A week after I met my exUBPDbf his exgirlfriend was found dead. She commited suicide on the day he and I had our first date. It was like an atombomb exploded in our lives and I held him, bathed him, fed him, trough the turmoil of her death. We connected deeply in this periode of grief and pain. He seems to have forgotten all of this, it means nothing to him anymore. It has no significance to him anymore.

It is mindblowing and so sad.

[Boss302]

She bared her soul to me it was the most real honest connection I ever made in my life.  If it wasn't real I don't know what is.   Maybe that's what drove me insane.  I just don't know

The confusion lies in the fact that you felt this real connection, and if you felt it, she must have felt it. She probably did.

But the worth or significance of that feeling is different for the both of you. It says something about who you are, about how significant it is for you to feel this connected! It is a wonderfull thing you are able to feel and value. And it is heartbreaking that she doenst share that value. It truly is.

It is such a lonely feeling that something of this importance isnt shared by the one you love. It is indeed chrushing.

A week after I met my exUBPDbf his exgirlfriend was found dead. She commited suicide on the day he and I had our first date. It was like an atombomb exploded in our lives and I held him, bathed him, fed him, trough the turmoil of her death. We connected deeply in this periode of grief and pain. He seems to have forgotten all of this, it means nothing to him anymore. It has no significance to him anymore.

It is mindblowing and so sad.

I think we've all gone "above and beyond" for our BPDx's, and I think we've all felt utterly discarded when they don't recognize how important it was for them. My BPDx got arrested for felony check fraud, and tossed in jail (hauled away by the cops in front of our D17, who was six at the time... . ). Now, I'm a pretty normal, law-abiding fellow, and my degree's in journalism, not "bailing nutty wife out of jail", so it took time for me to figure out how to get her out of there. I had to deal with getting my daughter to a friend's house so I could deal with the situation. She got arrested early in the afternoon, and it took a few hours to get everything together so I could bail her out.

I remember going to bail her out late in the day, thinking how hurt and scared she must be stuck in jail, so I was expecting her to want to "lean" on me emotionally. Did she? Nope. She whined the whole way home about how long it took to get her out. And she never once thanked me for standing by her through all the legal issues that ensued (they eventually dropped the charges). Nor did she ever thank my father for giving us the money to hire an attorney for her.

And this is how it goes with these folks sometimes.

[Blimblam]

She bared her soul to me it was the most real honest connection I ever made in my life.  If it wasn't real I don't know what is.   Maybe that's what drove me insane.  I just don't know

The confusion lies in the fact that you felt this real connection, and if you felt it, she must have felt it. She probably did.

But the worth or significance of that feeling is different for the both of you. It says something about who you are, about how significant it is for you to feel this connected! It is a wonderfull thing you are able to feel and value. And it is heartbreaking that she doenst share that value. It truly is.

It is such a lonely feeling that something of this importance isnt shared by the one you love. It is indeed chrushing.

A week after I met my exUBPDbf his exgirlfriend was found dead. She commited suicide on the day he and I had our first date. It was like an atombomb exploded in our lives and I held him, bathed him, fed him, trough the turmoil of her death. We connected deeply in this periode of grief and pain. He seems to have forgotten all of this, it means nothing to him anymore. It has no significance to him anymore.

It is mindblowing and so sad.

I think we've all gone "above and beyond" for our BPDx's, and I think we've all felt utterly discarded when they don't recognize how important it was for them. My BPDx got arrested for felony check fraud, and tossed in jail (hauled away by the cops in front of our D17, who was six at the time... . ). Now, I'm a pretty normal, law-abiding fellow, and my degree's in journalism, not "bailing nutty wife out of jail", so it took time for me to figure out how to get her out of there. I had to deal with getting my daughter to a friend's house so I could deal with the situation. She got arrested early in the afternoon, and it took a few hours to get everything together so I could bail her out.

I remember going to bail her out late in the day, thinking how hurt and scared she must be stuck in jail, so I was expecting her to want to "lean" on me emotionally. Did she? Nope. She whined the whole way home about how long it took to get her out. And she never once thanked me for standing by her through all the legal issues that ensued (they eventually dropped the charges). Nor did she ever thank my father for giving us the money to hire an attorney for her.

And this is how it goes with these folks sometimes.

Wow boss that sounds cold and heartless. I am sorry you experienced that.  I have to admit I feel a need to defend my ex after that post though.  I think for my ex it is something more along the lines of That experience was "too authentic" and the disorder buried it.  It is so confusing sometimes Because I have so much resentment built up inside for the situation, confusion as to what was what.  I want so badly to point the finger.  At the same time I want to defend her from comparisons or being put down by anyone with the thought in mind.  No one understands her like I do.  What happened that day Must have been real she must have meant it at least at that moment?  It was like I saw in realtime the part of herself capable of real feelings get twisted by the disorder triggered by love.

[Changingman]

BlimBlam,

I was really close, lost all sense of who I was. I know she will have to live with what she does, does this register with her... . ? not really. 4 years and I was still in this crappy non relationship... WHY? That is the real question.

I found out my Mum has BPD, she is 68 and still destroying her 5 kids. This does not get better, if anything I believe as Sam Vaknin says the false self of BPD strangles the true self of the person, use it or lose it.

Find yourself again, I'm a year out and am still feeling some degree of hurt everyday. We have been dissected by them, now is the time the heal... it really can be seen as a gift.

Be kind to yourself

Changingman

whoops, 86.

They get better with age. ha ha ha ha

[Changingman]

She bared her soul to me it was the most real honest connection I ever made in my life.  If it wasn't real I don't know what is.   Maybe that's what drove me insane.  I just don't know

The confusion lies in the fact that you felt this real connection, and if you felt it, she must have felt it. She probably did.

But the worth or significance of that feeling is different for the both of you. It says something about who you are, about how significant it is for you to feel this connected! It is a wonderfull thing you are able to feel and value. And it is heartbreaking that she doenst share that value. It truly is.

It is such a lonely feeling that something of this importance isnt shared by the one you love. It is indeed chrushing.

A week after I met my exUBPDbf his exgirlfriend was found dead. She commited suicide on the day he and I had our first date. It was like an atombomb exploded in our lives and I held him, bathed him, fed him, trough the turmoil of her death. We connected deeply in this periode of grief and pain. He seems to have forgotten all of this, it means nothing to him anymore. It has no significance to him anymore.

It is mindblowing and so sad.

I think we've all gone "above and beyond" for our BPDx's, and I think we've all felt utterly discarded when they don't recognize how important it was for them. My BPDx got arrested for felony check fraud, and tossed in jail (hauled away by the cops in front of our D17, who was six at the time... . ). Now, I'm a pretty normal, law-abiding fellow, and my degree's in journalism, not "bailing nutty wife out of jail", so it took time for me to figure out how to get her out of there. I had to deal with getting my daughter to a friend's house so I could deal with the situation. She got arrested early in the afternoon, and it took a few hours to get everything together so I could bail her out.

I remember going to bail her out late in the day, thinking how hurt and scared she must be stuck in jail, so I was expecting her to want to "lean" on me emotionally. Did she? Nope. She whined the whole way home about how long it took to get her out. And she never once thanked me for standing by her through all the legal issues that ensued (they eventually dropped the charges). Nor did she ever thank my father for giving us the money to hire an attorney for her.

And this is how it goes with these folks sometimes.

Wow boss that sounds cold and heartless. I am sorry you experienced that.  I have to admit I feel a need to defend my ex after that post though.  I think for my ex it is something more along the lines of That experience was "too authentic" and the disorder buried it.  It is so confusing sometimes Because I have so much resentment built up inside for the situation, confusion as to what was what.  I want so badly to point the finger.  At the same time I want to defend her from comparisons or being put down by anyone with the thought in mind.  No one understands her like I do.  What happened that day Must have been real she must have meant it at least at that moment?  It was like I saw in realtime the part of herself capable of real feelings get twisted by the disorder triggered by love.

I'm really interested in the theory of 'Trauma Bonding'.

These posts really lay it out, the crisis making, the arguing, the fights, the substance/alcohol abuse etc. This is a way to attach and make people attach.

Patty Hurst siding with her kidnappers etc.

I saw how my ex made my replacement go through the same crisis and trauma, arguing with the new neighbours about noise, 'accidental pregnancy', coworkers/friends/government hated her/had grudges against her... .etc it was a way to say 'save me', become close quickly through negative energy, become a couple with a secret walled world. This is a disgusting way to bond with others, dark, really dark. It seems beyond belief that someone would do this to someone else, an unwanted termination of an unwanted pregnancy of your unborn child... I considered it being someone else's, realising how they are so impulsive... .This was a disgusting thought... .later I realised... .if it was mine it was far worst.

I thought we shared honest closeness... .probably, mainly through the disgusting mess we had been through, that I had pulled us out of, that had kept me busy, distracted from looking at how the relationship and her emotions towards me were up and down constantly and always returning to an 'on the brink' state.

This is Trauma Bonding. Pure manipulation.

[Blimblam]

wow I just reread this thread

I feel like I wrote that in a different lifetime.

It has only been 2 weeks.

I have changed.

the somatic experience of all this has been tremendous.  When I broke through 2 days ago it was like I was reborn out of that overwhelming physical feeling of dread like falling endlessly in a black hold in my chest and stomache.  like I my entire existence collapsed into a singularity and exploded back out.

[antjs]

I'm really interested in the theory of 'Trauma Bonding'.



This is Trauma Bonding. Pure manipulation.[/quote]
if reading about trauma bonding did ring with you then i recommend all of you to read about emotional rape. and before anybody asking about the psychopath thing . remember that BPD is co-morbid with NPD and APD most of the time.

[Blimblam]

BPD and psychopathy are much different.

borderlines feel they feel very intensely they are romantics until they go hermit. psychopaths are not romantic they are very different.

I have grown up with both.

borderlines want to  love and be loved. borderlines are triggered then you are split black.

psychopaths aren't triggered its just their MO they don't want to love you.