Settlement starting very slowly

[whirlpoollife]

In an equitable state. Two years since filing, x2bh had another twenty days to decide what he wants. To be expected, he waited till the last day. He said yes to the the fact that the marriage is irrevocably broken and he will grant me permission to divorce but wants the economic issues to continue. I told my L , no way. I want divorced but he will drag the finance issues on forever. So no divorce till finances are done. His support to me is minimal however he has to pay it till divorce is final so I'm using that to my advantage now.  But then we heard nothing from h's L. So my L sent more info to his L and , from my asking, asked for a time limit on their response. So my L did , plus added that if we don't hear from them, we will again set a court date.   From that , my L told me they now want to settle . My L , he is good, but asks me the same questions over and over . Last call I told him I have everything in all the  interrogatories I had to hurry and complete a year and a half a go.

He said we need current info. The courts go on whichever is less from the time of filing vs the court hearing , or settlement.     But , not with the house which will go on the current market value that will get divided.  

I then asked my L about the house at the very beginning of this divorce, I wanted to leave it but the past L said that if I leave I abandon the property so don't do it. Plus the fact I put the down payment on it etc. five months later he got a court order to leave . ( to this day, as much as I despise x2bh I feel bad making someone leave their home)     My current L said that is not true, I could have left with the fact I had to for my own good and still get half at the final divorce.

If I knew then what I know now!

H continues to keep up his lengthy phone calls to kids despite court orders . I have to monitor it three times a day. I am now at the point that when kids are with him I enjoy the NC peace of the phone not ringing. (except from kids to me)

He chose next week as one of his vacation weeks but now says he does not have a replacement so he has to work so I can have kids whenever. Wow thanks for the notice... . I'm working paid and unpaid jobs.  I already planned my vacation weeks with kids around his his weeks.  :)ocument, if it matters, this happened last year too , plus in the marriage. He knows what he is doing but makes it like he does not have any control,  it is someone else's doing .

[Matt]

How old are the kids, and how are they doing?

What custody settlement have you proposed, and what does the other side propose for custody?

[ForeverDad]

H continues to keep up his lengthy phone calls to kids despite court orders . I have to monitor it three times a day. I am now at the point that when kids are with him I enjoy the NC peace of the phone not ringing. (except from kids to me)

Two teenagers, 3 times a day?   What is the order?  I can't imagine any order being more than once a day.  Most orders just state "reasonable telephone contact".  Are they sucked into it?

[whirlpoollife]

Yes the kids are sucked into just like I was. He is so relentless it becomes our norm.

This settlement , or hearing , is just economic. I had custody hearings three times since filing. One involved c/s. ( not much and I use it on kids as h doesn't feel he has to buy kids anything since he pays me etc)

The three x's a day with limits got narrowed down  from four x's a day with no limits. When I had showed the custody master the phone records , two hours plus a day , the master wasn't happy with it. But the kids have a GAL. H chummed up with him. So it got narrowed down to the three x's with limits.  When the kids were with him, at first he had the kids call me . It was sad cause it was so robotic. " this is the morning call". "  this is the afternoon call" , " this is the night call" and me being too quiet had a hard time to talk and the kids were too scared to say anything to me.

Without kids saying I could tell when h was not at home cause their voices were at ease.

Now... . When kids are with h, I talk to them one time , and short text once or twice a day.

I talked to the custody L today , he said I better take the phone out of kids hands when the time is up and email h to tell him to follow court orders  concerning phone use, otherwise all my documenting it won't mean anything because I let this continue, I do tell kids to get off the phone,  but he keeps them on anyhow. Now, per L orders, take the phone and hang up.  I know h though and he is very vindictive and he will plan to get even.  ( my own issues, shame on me to still be scared of him , not near as much though) and why make him more angry as final divorce is nearer.

Kids are s16 & d13.  I was a 24/7 mom and very close... . until I filed for divorce. In just a few months after he had the kids tell the GAL who told me in the court house that the kids do not want to live with me. I had my new L then and fortunately that did not happen.

The kids hated me at first. He brainwashed them quickly , they spied for their dad ,  lied to me for him etc, extremely difficult time.

Now ... . they don't hate me.  We have good times when they are with me. But they still stick up for their dad,  spy and lie. But not to the extent that it once was.

[Matt]

At those ages, it's the kids you need to deal with, not their dad.

Set firm limits on phone calls and hold to them.  If the kids don't cooperate, take away privileges.  Mine are 16 and 17, and constantly want me to do stuff for them - little stuff like letting them borrow my phone charger or taking them somewhere - and I'm glad to help them if they are acting right but if one of them is not acting right I can just withhold favors til that changes.

Also, talk openly with them about these issues, and consider family counseling - you and the kids - to resolve issues and help you all cope with the chaos and stress.

[whirlpoollife]

Good points , advice, help

Thanks Matt

The settlement process , to me , is adult issues that kids don't need to try to comprehend

But I feel h does not feel the same. H put the original divorce complaint on the fridge for kids to see it.  What is the best wording to tell the kids what is currently going on? 

(years from now, when no more courts , I can say it all)

[Matt]

"We're separated and going through the divorce process.  I don't know how long that will take - several months, a year, or even more.  But it won't affect you guys - I'll still be your mom and he'll still be your dad."