Why are my logic and emotions just not meeting

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I went and face booked her new boyfriend(he actually does a job I want to do, I was looking to see if he had a program on that he took to see if how he got his business established), and now I feel like wow he just stole my life(has pic up of her house which I lived at one point and visited a lot)... . she really did just like with the snap of her fingers replace me. 4year of my life just washed down the drain, with out any goodbyes. "Poof" well aren't I a freaking idiot.  Just wow... it's so weird. God I was to nice and aware of her feelings!  Why was I so nice to her again?

Or right because my logic realized that she's can't actually help how she is, she has tried, and I can't help but feel for her, and at the end of the day I understand she has a mental illness, and splitting is and always was a part of it. All I wish is that she could empthise and understand the depth of how she's totally betrayed me and my trust. The total lack of regard for my feelings. How she had put me in a really dangerous situation. Erg how I just wish she could empthise... . last time she split me she got a dog, and sent me a pic called "your replacement" at least that time I could forgive her easy enough, she was clearly sad and really child like... . even now she is... . She can't stand to be alone and moved back with her mom and him... . sigh, that poor kid... .

[qwaszx]

I went and face booked her new boyfriend(he actually does a job I want to do, I was looking to see if he had a program on that he took to see if how he got his business established), and now I feel like wow he just stole my life(has pic up of her house which I lived at one point and visited a lot)... . she really did just like with the snap of her fingers replace me. 4year of my life just washed down the drain, with out any goodbyes. "Poof" well aren't I a freaking idiot.  Just wow... it's so weird. God I was to nice and aware of her feelings!  Why was I so nice to her again?

Or right because my logic realized that she's can't actually help how she is, she has tried, and I can't help but feel for her, and at the end of the day I understand she has a mental illness, and splitting is and always was a part of it. All I wish is that she could empthise and understand the depth of how she's totally betrayed me and my trust. The total lack of regard for my feelings. How she had put me in a really dangerous situation. Erg how I just wish she could empthise... . last time she split me she got a dog, and sent me a pic called "your replacement" at least that time I could forgive her easy enough, she was clearly sad and really child like... . even now she is... . She can't stand to be alone and moved back with her mom and him... . sigh, that poor kid... .

[zenwexler]

It's scary because I feel the exact same way. I was replaced by this other guy and it's like woah you stole my life! But what life is that? A life of misery? A life of chaos, babysitting, sadness, depression, anger, a never ending hurricane? Because that's what was stolen from me

Not to mention you know this new guy will be replaced soon enough. Either that or he will come to his senses and run for the moon. I always get this quick jolt of anxiety that my ex changed and is happy djs healthy with her new bf and will live happily ever after... . Come on, really? Like that's even remotely a possibility! 

[qwaszx]

Hehe I know right! I'm like all the fun thing we used to do! Haha what fun things am I taking about? If we did anything really fun I wanted to do it was more like "I'm doing this for u, you must appreciate it" and that could be as simple as getting her out of the house when she's jumped off the edge(it actually does help, but then if she doesn't want to, or last min changes her mind about plans we made weeks ago... I'm a to controlling, and fine maybe I can be, how dare I want to just hang out with her, or do things friends do with each other... or I just don't really like watching her try and slowly kill herself, I know shameful right, how could I want her to want to live) we just can't do anything right... . instead of us just going and having a good time, It was almost always manipulation... . god this poor sucker doesn't even know what he's gotten him self into... . you know part of why we aren't talking? Because I mentioned to her that she should give him this sight, so he can at least decide for himself if he really wants to be there, then she told him how evil I am... . and well she can't have me around now because she damn well knows if we were to all become friends he would find out the truth... Arg. The stupid part is I can sit here and see all of it and still feel for her and him... . why can't I just paint them black also? There problem solved.  All I want is some friends to go camping, fishing and hiking with... and since I've moved so many times my circle of friends is so damn small all I wanta do is text her and see what's she up to this weekend and hang out with them... because that wouldn't set me off at all and not to mention she hates me at right now  it's so funny because him and I are actually a lot alike, I think she's just to worried that we would get along so I can't be around.

The other problem is I've been hanging around with her almost a year and a half now feeling like we are kinda normal friends... . I was surprised that I felt like he stole my life... . because I don't even want to be that involved now, I don't want to have that life, and I don't want to get in between them... honestly I hope it works out for them... . but I can't already see where it won't. I just pray he doesn't knock her up in the mean time, since she just wants a baby. And he's her puppet on a string now... (she called us puppets) all I want is to have normal friends who are fun and have my back.

[Octoberfest]

Haha, this post makes me laugh because of how much I identify with it.  I tell people that before I met my BPDex and fell in love for the first time, I only ever thought with my logical mind.  Things were very black and white.  After having fallen in love and being with my BPDex, my logical mind showed up and has been wrecking everything.  It's a weird thing to know logically that my BPDex is a awful person who cheats and lies and bounces from dude to dude, having been married once and engaged several other times by the age of 23, and yet miss her like I tragically lost my soul mate in an accident, our love pure and wonderful aside from the fact that she was stolen from me. Closing the gap between my logical and my emotional mind has been very, very hard to do, and I still haven't done it 13 months later.

[qwaszx]

Haha, me too. I almost always thought with my emotions. I didn't need logic... now I have to look at everything 3times before I think something to make sure it's a good choice, or if that person is "normal"... but I was pretty young when we met, have so far spent almost all of my adult life with a BPD who is like the wind... what does normal look like? Do I hold back to much from life? Am I moving to slow? Is it wrong to try and ground somewhere that doesn't feel right at the moment, for the money, the security? Is that because I lived with so much crazy my minds like blaha now, everything just feels so slow, and boring... and one day I will enjoy with I do again? Or have I just grown out of what I do for work now... What are my interest that get my pumped up? Well I'd love to work with PTSD and BPDs... is that a really bad idea? Should I not go after that dream because maybe it's still a codependent issue? I really have no other passions other then behavioural issue in animals but people with behaviour problems pay more and I really feel like where I am if we had a program for BPDs we could help soo many people, if we helped one pwBPD imagine all the other people we could help in the process?... and then I can get my house and go back for the animal behavioural problems and start a business from home. I've always found behavioural problems fun... and if I never lived with her, and everything didn't effect my personal life, I most likely enjoyed simply working with her... . with strict boundaries... you know those people who get attacked by a wild animal and spend the rest of there life working with and trying to understand the thing that scares them the most... well that's me only how I feel about BPD... . normally it's fear or hurt or lack of understanding that causes us to hate something... so if I were not to fear her, or worry about what she does now because it really doesn't matter, or effect my life. It hold no substance in my life and how I live... I should be able to carry out my life as normal(ps this is a long term dream. For once I have completely healed and don't hold anything against a her or BPD In General)

I felt like a revolving door to someone who actually doesn't give a crap about me unless it fits her need... to be honest I have starting causing problems once she meets someone now because at least if I've done something wrong the splitting and replacing me would make more sense...

[zenwexler]

My therapist made a chart for me one day. He wrote down intellectual denial and emotional denial. He told me I intellectually understand that my ex isn't a good person who is extremely sick and is incapable of having happy and healthy relationship. He said intellectually I understand that. And if I didn't then I would be considered a legit psychopath. He then went on to say that I've been living in emotional denial. That if I want to get out of it and move on then I have to CHOOSE to do it. He made me meek the choice right then and there. You either ACTIVELY chose to live in the reality of our dysfunctional relationships with a disordered ex and accept that they are incapable of having a healthy relationship or you passively accept to stay in emotional denial and suffer the consequences living in a false reality that our exes have changed or can change. That that can be happy and committed selfless. Aka LIES! textbook emotional denial. 

[Tausk]

All I wish is that she could empthise and understand the depth of how she's totally betrayed me and my trust. The total lack of regard for my feelings. How she had put me in a really dangerous situation. Erg how I just wish she could empthise... . last time she split me she got a dog, and sent me a pic called "your replacement" at least that time I could forgive her easy enough, she was clearly sad and really child like... . even now she is... . She can't stand to be alone and moved back with her mom and him... . sigh, that poor kid... .

This where I was stuck for a long time, and sometimes still regress.  It takes time to get out of this fantasy.  I live in the fantasy that she might change, because I used fantasy as a child to survive, and lived in denial fantasy the entire time I was with my ex.  I lied to myself and projected onto both of us that we were in a adult relationship.  It was a lie and and a fantasy.  So why should I quit the fantasy just because my ex isn't around any more.  

She was not directly part of the fantasy in the first place.  I never really accepted and was honest about who she was and who I was.  So just because I don't see her, doesn't really change any of the parameters of the fantasy and what is necessary to maintain the delusion.

My therapist made a chart for me one day. He wrote down intellectual denial and emotional denial. He told me I intellectually understand that my ex isn't a good person who is extremely sick and is incapable of having happy and healthy relationship. He said intellectually I understand that. And if I didn't then I would be considered a legit psychopath. He then went on to say that I've been living in emotional denial. That if I want to get out of it and move on then I have to CHOOSE to do it. He made me meek the choice right then and there. You either ACTIVELY chose to live in the reality of our dysfunctional relationships with a disordered ex and accept that they are incapable of having a healthy relationship or you passively accept to stay in emotional denial and suffer the consequences living in a false reality that our exes have changed or can change. That that can be happy and committed selfless. Aka LIES! textbook emotional denial.  

But this is where I need to be.  Radical acceptance of the Disorder.  

I get stuck in the hope/uncertainty that she will change.  She will empathize or apologize.  But if she were able to even apologize for a moment with genuine self awareness and real long lasting change, then she could change into the adult that I need.  But it's not possible.

And if I stay stuck in the hope/uncertainty that things could different with her, I'm am just living in Denial of the Disorder.  Hope/uncertainty = fantasy = delusion = Denial = Being enmeshed in the Disorder.  I used these coping mechanisms to survive my childhood.  I used these coping mechanism to survive the interaction with my ex.

But they are no longer appropriate coping skills to grow up and become an adult.  

I have to accept that the Disorder is real, and give up any hope that she will change.  I have to grow up.  I have to be an adult and stop living in the fantasy.   I still regress at times, but it's getting better thanks to the board and therapy and learning to be self aware.  

In support

T  

[zenwexler]

"

This where I was stuck for a long time, and sometimes still regress.  It takes time to get out of this fantasy.  I live in the fantasy that she might change, because I used fantasy as a child to survive, and lived in denial fantasy the entire time I was with my ex.  I lied to myself and projected onto both of us that we were in a adult relationship.  It was a lie and and a fantasy.  So why should I quit the fantasy just because my ex isn't around any more.  

She was not directly part of the fantasy in the first place.  I never really accepted and was honest about who she was and who I was.  So just because I don't see her, doesn't really change any of the parameters of the fantasy and what is necessary to maintain the delusion.


But this is where I need to be.  Radical acceptance of the Disorder.  

I get stuck in the hope/uncertainty that she will change.  She will empathize or apologize.  But if she were able to even apologize for a moment with genuine self awareness and real long lasting change, then she could change into the adult that I need.  But it's not possible.

And if I stay stuck in the hope/uncertainty that things could different with her, I'm am just living in Denial of the Disorder.  Hope/uncertainty = fantasy = delusion = Denial = Being enmeshed in the Disorder.  I used these coping mechanisms to survive my childhood.  I used these coping mechanism to survive the interaction with my ex.

But they are no longer appropriate coping skills to grow up and become an adult.  

I have to accept that the Disorder is real, and give up any hope that she will change.  I have to grow up.  I have to be an adult and stop living in the fantasy.   I still regress at times, but it's getting better thanks to the board and therapy and learning to be self aware.  "


Very well put, it's funny, the only time I ever got anything close to an apology is when I would either tell her we can't be friends and I'm leaving or when I would ignore her, and even that was far from an apology. Her latest "apology" was her saying that she know's she's mean to me but it's my fault because she thinks I like her. When she said that to me that was the final straw. I blocked her on my phone and am trying to move forward, and most importantly grow up. Because these games are all too familiar of the game I played when I was 14 years old.

[qwaszx]

Right, now I'm not in contact with her, I understand that she will most likely never change. I don't wish to be  a part of her dysfunctional world... what I wish to do is be able to completely understand both emotionally and intellectual that this is who she it, and accept that as a whole, and if I fully accepted it there would be no reason for me to get upset, or feel hurt because it's not personal, but it does effect me when I'm to close.

What I don't understand that there is potential for change anywhere, and even if it's not with her, it can be with me. Maybe my emotional maturity is not developed enough to fully realize that she has never been my friend... but I just don't see it... the fragments were real, even if that was her reflecting me(I've asked her why she's a good friend when she is one, and her response is "because your a good friend"   I guess I question why, even when she split me the first time, why that even though her emotional state was that of real hate, she flat out told me it wasn't my fault, that this is what she does, that it wasn't personal.  How can someone who isn't able to empathize be able to empathize with me at that moment. How was she able to own her side, even though she acted as though she hated me, she knew that she hated herself not me... . is she all bad because she is fragmented, and has very limited emotion control? Why did when she left me the first time, did she leave her most important item behind for me to have? Why did she leave softly, and come back to spend time with me so that I could say good bye? No we never talked about it. We simply just watch movie and talk for old times sake, because she couldn't handle saying good bye, and I understood that, just a mutual understanding that we wanted different things... and that I couldn't keep doing this because it was taking over and wreaking my life... And even then she hated me, she even went to pick up something to throw at me, but she caught herself... . was it simply because she felt she needed me still? Or maybe that she really wants to be a good person but can't doesn't have the maturity to actually do that because she so impulsive. Are special need people bad people because they aren't developed? Are 4 year olds bad because they don't grasp how what they do effects other people? Emotionally she's a child trapped in an adult word, which both side have limited understanding and patients... . I don't know about your pwBPD, but I can tell you for a fact she doesn't want this as her life, that she has tried, but it is her life. It's just unfortunate people like us end up feeling like garbage because of a internal battle she faces because this is her only way of survival.  Why can't we nurture her child self into becoming a full fledge adult? (In theory)

Is she distorted? Yes. Does she make really bad choices? Yes. Do other people get hurt because of her actions? God yes. Would I wish anyone to be in a romantic relationship/any emotional relationship with her? No. She does not and most likely will never have the maturity to fulfill her partners emotional needs, and who every they are will end up crushed, confused, lost, and devastated, because she cheats, lies, manipulates as a way of  survival.(more so in a romantic relationship then any other)  

We have just started looking at mental health issue, I jut think there is so much more we could learn about all of this... before writing these people under the bus... . and no one ever talks about BPD. I hadn't heard about this until I met her. Why wasn't I educated about about BPD?

[qwaszx]

Ps. I thought rational accepts was accepting things as they are right now? For example, "right now I live in an apartment, right now I can save for the future house I want, but in the future when I have enough money saved I can get my own house."

Or "my dad's an addict, has been most my life, he is who is is, I don't try and change him, I don't even bring it up, if he wants to sort out his life and get help he will, i don't feel responsible for him or his actions... right now he's slowly killing himself and there is nothing I can't say of do to stop him or change his mind, it's his life, and he gets to chose how to live it... . one day he might decide he wants more. He might clean up his life, I hope he does so he can live long enough to walk me down the that red carpet on my wedding day, or to met his future grand children, and be a part of there life, but right now I accept he is who he is and that might never be a possibility"   

[Tausk]

She does not and most likely will never have the maturity to fulfill her partners emotional needs, and who every they are will end up crushed, confused, lost, and devastated, because she cheats, lies, manipulates as a way of  survival.(more so in a romantic relationship then any other)  

We have just started looking at mental health issue, I jut think there is so much more we could learn about all of this... before writing these people under the bus... . and no one ever talks about BPD. I hadn't heard about this until I met her. Why wasn't I educated about about BPD?

PwBPD are human and deserve compassion.  They live a life where the terror is so great, I could not survive a second without going mad.  

Yet, the fact remain that there are so very very very very few pwBPD who seem to have recovered to the point of real self awareness, self responsibility, empathy... .  For now mostly it's functional behaviors to minimize the destruction.  

And more importantly, between me and my ex, we became triggers for each other.  And even if I could change, I was still going to be a trigger for her.  I didn't want to be but I am.  The fear of abandonment/enmeshment in her would trigger the Disorder.

So for me radical acceptance takes on many forms.  Yes, to accept the way things are right now, that there's a reason things are this way, and that life is still worth living.  

But for me radical acceptance also had to occur with respect to the Disorder.  

I have to radically accept that the Disorder is bigger than me.  The Disorder does not want happiness.  The Disorder always wins.  There is no cure for the Disorder.  I did not cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't even control  the Disorder.

Or another way, I had to radically accept that if my ex and I were together, the Disorder would force her to cheat on me.  Radically accept the cheating was a given.  So I had to decide if I could stay in the interaction with that knowledge.

[qwaszx]

And more importantly, between me and my ex, we became triggers for each other.  And even if I could change, I was still going to be a trigger for her.  I didn't want to be but I am.  The fear of abandonment/enmeshment in her would trigger the Disorder.

So for me radical acceptance takes on many forms.  Yes, to accept the way things are right now, that there's a reason things are this way, and that life is still worth living. 

But for me radical acceptance also had to occur with respect to the Disorder. 

I have to radically accept that the Disorder is bigger than me.  The Disorder does not want happiness.  The Disorder always wins.  There is no cure for the Disorder.  I did not cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't even control  the Disorder.

Or another way, I had to radically accept that if my ex and I were together, the Disorder would force her to cheat on me.  Radically accept the cheating was a given.  So I had to decide if I could stay in the interaction with that knowledge.

Same with me and her, she became a trigger for me. Not all of her parts but especially her npd parts... . I'm still so very frustrated and angry with her, this disorder, and myself.  I know it's bigger then me, it always has been. I know as long as her and her mom live together in there codependent relationship there is zero hope for improvement. I really worry about if something happened to her mom because I think it would really put her over the edge. How can I be so royally frustrated with this situation but still care enough about her to have her back if need be... How can I want to just get mad at her for something she doesn't have control of? Because she can't empathizes with me... . I'm just so mad /sad at this situation and the lack of understanding from her... . what do I need to do to let go of all the hurt and anger, what am I not validating within my self?  It's pointless to place blame on her when it's not her fault she is sick. It's not her fault that this situation got to this point. It's not my fault it is what it is either. This is what BPD is/does...

I'm worried about when she does contact me I'm just going to be really spiteful... right now I'm sitting on a ledge(mentally) between loyalty and understanding of the disorder, and spiteful anger, and just nailing her ass to the wall... . how can someone who's just so smart be so stupid when it comes to emotions... . but she really doesn't get it. I don't want to make her hate herself more but I'm not going to let her emotions trump mine anymore either. 

[qwaszx]

And why can't I just understand that she doesn't care? I don't get it. How can someone who's been apart of ur life for so long just one day stop caring? Just wow...

[Split black]

And why can't I just understand that she doesn't care? I don't get it. How can someone who's been apart of ur life for so long just one day stop caring? Just wow...

They can do this because they had to learn how to do it at the ages 1-5.  They do not love people in the way that love is... . selfless. Putting the other person before yourself... . like you would do with your own children hopefully.

They just can not. Love to a borderline equals NEED. If they NEED you enough you will achieve some longevity. BUT... . they can find others to fill your place, usually several at one time but not always.

I recognize why mine thinks she needs me... .    I recognize why I have such a hard time resisting her.  I am a heartbeat away from being recycled again.

[Blimblam]

And why can't I just understand that she doesn't care? I don't get it. How can someone who's been apart of ur life for so long just one day stop caring? Just wow...

They can do this because they had to learn how to do it at the ages 1-5.  They do not love people in the way that love is... . selfless. Putting the other person before yourself... . like you would do with your own children hopefully.

They just can not. Love to a borderline equals NEED. If they NEED you enough you will achieve some longevity. BUT... . they can find others to fill your place, usually several at one time but not always.

I recognize why mine thinks she needs me... .   I recognize why I have such a hard time resisting her.  I am a heartbeat away from being recycled again.

also it is my understanding that they don't stop caring but you have been split black and devalued to justify finding a new source of validation.  They want to keep you in touch perhaps as a back burner.  To be used to fill one of their "needs" as they see fit.

It is all part of the disorder and nothing personal.

[qwaszx]

Ya. I understand... I think in just royally depressed.

[Blimblam]

Ya. I understand... I think in just royally depressed.

That is a good thing.  It is normal to grieve and healthy.  Coping mechanisms to bury the pain and numb it are unhealthy.  Despite the shallow, "positive" thinking cult that is so pervasive in our culture.  Be cautious of people that espouse such logic it can be extremely invalidating and toxic. 

I highly recommend reading through all of the member 2010s posts if you have not done so already.  It has been extremely helpful to me.  Also using the board to vent and ask questions is a powerfull tool. 

It is ok if you don't understand.  Working through these emotions is an individual process.  Where ever you are at in yourself right now is ok.  You may be in hell right now and that is ok you will get through it.

[qwaszx]

Thank you, I do understand, deep down I know it's not personal. I know that's how this disorder works. Mentally I was trying to prepare and make sense before it all happen, I knew going back the last hundred times that this end was inevitable, I stopped feeling her highs and lows a long while ago and just coast, I knew that things will change between us, that I'm tired of the games, and that I wasn't going to do it anymore, and that my life will go on, that maybe someday we can be friends, but that's not any time soon, though I really wish I could talk to her about everything, and just have a heart to heart... . my main mission Is to get to a point where this no longer effects me because I have all of my life together, instead of using each other as a crush, I know I have some stuff I have to sort out also. I guess my main thing is that in my life I don't feel like I've accomplished enough, I'm not proud of where I am in my life, my life is just so simple, i have a very small group of people I'm close to, I don't enjoy what I do, and my jobs have always been a huge part of my life since my first job when I was 13. I just wonder what I wanta do with the rest of my life, where do I go from here? But right now I just don't enjoy anything, and it's hard to know what you need to do when u don't feel passionate about anything else, don't feel the need to connect with other people, or do the things I once enjoyed... but I have the odd moments of fleeting happiness when I feel good, normally I'm just coasting.

I seriously work like to work with people who have BPD or other mental health problems, I just want to heal and make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons, not trying to fill a void or heal by healing, I need to be solid in my life first... I have hopes and dreams. I have a general direction I want to go. I just don't have the drive right now...

[Blimblam]

Thank you, I do understand, deep down I know it's not personal. I know that's how this disorder works. Mentally I was trying to prepare and make sense before it all happen, I knew going back the last hundred times that this end was inevitable, I stopped feeling her highs and lows a long while ago and just coast, I knew that things will change between us, that I'm tired of the games, and that I wasn't going to do it anymore, and that my life will go on, that maybe someday we can be friends, but that's not any time soon, though I really wish I could talk to her about everything, and just have a heart to heart... . my main mission Is to get to a point where this no longer effects me because I have all of my life together, instead of using each other as a crush, I know I have some stuff I have to sort out also. I guess my main thing is that in my life I don't feel like I've accomplished enough, I'm not proud of where I am in my life, my life is just so simple, i have a very small group of people I'm close to, I don't enjoy what I do, and my jobs have always been a huge part of my life since my first job when I was 13. I just wonder what I wanta do with the rest of my life, where do I go from here? But right now I just don't enjoy anything, and it's hard to know what you need to do when u don't feel passionate about anything else, don't feel the need to connect with other people, or do the things I once enjoyed... but I have the odd moments of fleeting happiness when I feel good, normally I'm just coasting.

I seriously work like to work with people who have BPD or other mental health problems, I just want to heal and make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons, not trying to fill a void or heal by healing, I need to be solid in my life first... I have hopes and dreams. I have a general direction I want to go. I just don't have the drive right now...

man I feel you... . but I realized the heart to heart will never happen... . not like how I want... . because that's not how it ever really was.   I was an interchangeable reward object... . now that I do realize that... . I may want to recycle as the reward object again briefly... . but like somewhat detached and playing the part knowing its just a fantasy... . and leave before it ends... . that would be my ideal heart to heart... . like playing the game but aware and not getting sucked in and accepting it for what it is.

[qwaszx]

I guess I still think the heart to heart will happen... . in time, when she's ready... . maybe... .sometimes we have really nice heart to hearts... when we aren't guarded... and can just be... but it's all timing... . wording... . not judgement, no blame... . just talks... when she wants to try...

Then again I've never left it this long without trying to fix the situation... so by this point she might not be able to, and just think I'm evil being...

[Tausk]

I guess I still think the heart to heart will happen... . in time, when she's ready... . maybe... .sometimes we have really nice heart to hearts... when we aren't guarded... and can just be... but it's all timing... . wording... . not judgement, no blame... . just talks... when she wants to try...

Then again I've never left it this long without trying to fix the situation... so by this point she might not be able to, and just think I'm evil being...

I understand this thought.  I still have fantasy conversations with my ex.  Looking for some minor validation or some shred of acknowledgment of my efforts.   Anything to prove that some tiny iota of what I thought we had was real.  

AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

Yes, the emotional acceptance that I thought I actually found my soulmate in someone who is Bat Sh-t Crazy is difficult to accept and embarrassing. 

But, being stuck in malignant hope/uncertainty is denial of the truth and produces deep seeded toxic shame in the core of my very soul.  

The only way out for me is to accept the interaction for what it was.  It was never a relationship.  She was never my friend. We were never on the same wavelength on principles that really mattered.  I was just something she needed for a while.  I was just the next guy at the kissing booth.

I have to accept the Disorder for what it is.  And I have to move on and look at my FOO issues.

Then I find meaning and recovery in my life.

In support

T

[qwaszx]

:/ even if she was never my friend... never someone who I could count on, and it was a one sided relationship... . I still think we can have that convo, when she comes around, maybe it's as simple as her mirroring me, because I was always her friend... . and I'm not talking about anytime soon. I most likely haven't crossed her mind, and won't until she starts to see him as a human who has flaws... this might be years down the road, when he eventually leaves.or she leaves but.it's not some thing I need to have in order to move on, just something I would like to have...

Her feelings were real, just as mine were real, the moments were real, those moments she was my friend but as a whole the bad out ways the good, and she can't mentally/emotionally always be my friend and I can't live like that... I need an equal, not a queen, or a child. I know this... I don't feel ashamed for loving her, and I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do, I felt so much empathy for her, what she went through and goes through... what I felt and what I did, I did because I cared/care, because I trusted her(like I should have been able to do with a lover/friend), this is not my shame, but hers, I never lied to her, I never cheated or manipulated her. I was young, and I didn't know a any better. The biggest mistake I made was not taking care of me, and putting myself first, this is how I was brought up, I feel some shame for living a lie for so long and betraying myself, getting lost in her world, by going back after I figured out what this was... and some guilt for not being there now, not being "good enough", not "accepting enough", for becoming someone I didn't like, for blaming her... but i think in time all this will fade also...

My fantasy convos involve her and I fighting... . ... I just here hear screaming "well I am a BPD" as I tell her to just stop being a BPD for like 5 sec... . but that fight has never happened in real life...

Ps, what your saying makes perfect sense.