The ability to apologize properly/reconnect? Can't? Or won't?

[Arminius]

If you want to heal, and hold no pointless hopes that she'll change, the report abuse to law enforcement. They can an will action it.

Do not reply to abuse, that makes it a conversation rather than a harassment. Let them hang themselves in their own behavior.

[Infared]

... . on topic... . about why a pwBPD doesn't/can't apologize:

I think that they live in a childlike, self-absorbed world where if anything happens, it is someone's fault... . but not theirs. Ever.

At the end of my 5-year live-in relationship when the mirroring ended, mine ran off with the guy she was cheating on me with a week before Christmas. She lied to me, lied to her new hero, lied to her parents (who loved me), lied to her step parents, lied to her best friend, lied to her therapist, and invited me to a therapy session where she sat and lied to me and the therapist  (and HER therapist sided with her  manipulated by her lies and the two of them sat there slicing and dicing me based on those lies).

After that when we had contact there was never any accountability for her behavior and lies. So there was absolutely no apology. Why would there be.   In her world every thing was controlled and manipulated JUST the way she wanted. She had duped everyone, got her new guy, got rid of me, fooled her friends and family.  Where was there a problem?... . oh that would be me... I knew the truth... . so hey... . just paint me black... . problem solved. No remorse, no guilt, no reason to apologize... . for what?... . she got what she wanted (for the moment).

I REALLY cared about this person and loved her families. The amount of pain that I experienced from this abrupt loss cannot be put into words. Truly.

Then she started acting out in public with her new guy to try and hurt me emotionally whenever she could.  (Me always alone and TOTALLY minding my own business).

Now, if she is alone and sees me somewhere she will go out of her way to "accidentally" run into me to "chat it up" as if NONE of the above ever happened... . and she is expecting the same caring guy that I always was while she tells me about the life she is having with my replacement... . or the problems? There are NEVER any apologies. How can I have any self-dignity and reconnect with this person without her having any accountability for what I went through? In her world she "won" so she did nothing wrong, I guess?  I believe she has no awareness at all of the deep pain I suffered and still carry with me, today (yes, that's totally my problem). She has no awareness at all. NONE.

That, to me is a totally self-absorbed, immature person... (or just a mentally ill sociopath). Whenever I see her NOW,  I don't make a scene, I just quietly find the exit... I can't take it. She of course, plays victim. She is attractive and manipulative... . so I MUST be a monster for moving away from her, right?  She gets drama and is the center of attention... . everything is perfect for her.   LOL!  It's soo sick.

That would be my experience with a BPD. In a word: gruesome.

No apologies!

[Arminius]

 At fault for all of it? That's me!

No sense of the hurt and harm she caused? That's her!

Living in a child state explains it, but doesn't excuse it especially when they have identified there is SOmE issue but refuse to explore it.

[willbegood]

If they somehow realize that they made a mess of things - but have no idea how to "fix" it.

Your thoughts?   

I speak to my ex from time to time still. I make it a point to tell her not to screw, whatever relationship she's in at the time, this one up. She has at least acknowledged she screws them up. Though when she has acknowledged it I believe she was in the devaluation phase and just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.

I mentioned it to her the other day but she's with a new guy. Her response was that she's been with him for 16 yrs so she doubts she'll screw anything up. That wasn't a typing error. She said she's been with him for 16 yrs instead of knowing him for 16 yrs. 

[Turkish]

My experience with my uBPDx is similar to many here.

There's a difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt means "I did a bad thing, therefore, here is what I can do to rectify it... . or not." Shame is "I do bad things because I'm a bad person." We may get something approximating an apology for some things, and it many cases it might be sincere... . in the moment. Living by their unstable emotions, this changes. Mine apologized for cheating (after much pressuring from me, because I couldn't fathom that someone who was so hurt by her dad's cheating on her mom would do the same thing), but then kept doing it, and lying about it. She obviously felt shame, or she wouldn't have kept lying that it happened once, and that he was just a friend.

[Take2]

Are they less likely to bother if its set to private? Or perhaps setting it to private might make them try harder? I don't know which one it is.[/quote]
Being shut out can cause abusive behavior to escalate.   Especially if you give in to the attention at any point.   Filing a restraining order can potentially help protect you.  But it is also well known that with some people it can antagonize them and cause more harm than good.

I have considered it multiple times but have come to believe that the best way to keep things quiet is do nothing.   No contact.   No reaction to their attempts at contact.

It takes huge strength which I haven't always displayed.   I too work with my ex and it's gut wrenching.   But even small conversation turns into massive trouble.

[Tolou]

Take 2... .

I am doing the samething now, nothing.  I work with her, see her, but I just ignore, and keep away. N.C. Dont fall for anything to get into any communication because it always was just another disaster!

It is the hardest thing to do, taking the higher road in a sense, but sometimes when you know there just nothing you can do, when I am the trigger, I just learned to leave it alone!

[Narellan]

Yes the FB posting used to make me sad too. He would post photos, he has several hundred FB friends and many followers( he's a professional photographer ). He sometimes only got one like, mostly he got 3 likes always the same 3 people who liked everything. With that amount of " friends" I'd be embarrassed to get so few likes but he doesn't care less.

It made me feel bad for him.

After we split I reckon he posted 6 photos a day with comments on how great his life is, never been happier blah blah... . Only ever the same 3 likes... . But I couldn't believe he was happy when I was so miserable. And the photos he posted of himself he looked different, odd. And stoned... . Definitely not happy.

I deactivated my FB after a few weeks of this BS. He went quiet then. I was the main audience he was posting to. Trying to convince me and himself how wonderful his life is.

I don't miss FB at all. I'm happy he can't see a thing about me. He has no idea what I'm doing now and that's the way it should be.

[enlighten me]

Yes the FB posting used to make me sad too. He would post photos, he has several hundred FB friends and many followers( he's a professional photographer ). He sometimes only got one like, mostly he got 3 likes always the same 3 people who liked everything. With that amount of " friends" I'd be embarrassed to get so few likes but he doesn't care less.

It made me feel bad for him.

After we split I reckon he posted 6 photos a day with comments on how great his life is, never been happier blah blah... . Only ever the same 3 likes... . But I couldn't believe he was happy when I was so miserable. And the photos he posted of himself he looked different, odd. And stoned... . Definitely not happy.

I deactivated my FB after a few weeks of this BS. He went quiet then. I was the main audience he was posting to. Trying to convince me and himself how wonderful his life is.

I don't miss FB at all. I'm happy he can't see a thing about me. He has no idea what I'm doing now and that's the way it should be.

I have to admit I enjoy the FB stuff my ex does. Knowing what I know now I can understand more of whats she's going through at any given time.

She did the "my lifes wonderful" posts. Got loads of likes. Added more posts. Got a few likes added more posts. Got no likes. I knew that this would trigger her abandonment fears and predicted to the day when she would break N/C.

In the last day she has made 20 new connections. These are nearly all from where she used to live. My analysis of this is she is feeling lonely. The pool of admirers where she lives now isn't giving her any relief so she has gone back to a happier time in her life for an instant fix. This of course will only be a short term boost. There will be a few days of chit chat. The what have you been up to chats and then that will dwindle. She will once again be rejected in her eyes but it might just be a long enough distraction for her to meet someone more local.

If this fails then I will be ready for her and any attempts to recycle me.

I know to some it may appear that I am stalking her. Im not. All this information I have gleamed from the posts that appear on my page. After going through hell with my ex wife I learnt many lessons. Things that didn't appear odd at the time in retrospect showed a pattern. I am now using this knowledge to ready myself and avoid being blindsided.

As to why I haven't un friended her. Well we have a son together and as I work away facebook is the most convenient method to keep in touch about him.

[bungenstein]

Are they less likely to bother if its set to private? Or perhaps setting it to private might make them try harder? I don't know which one it is.

Being shut out can cause abusive behavior to escalate.   Especially if you give in to the attention at any point.   Filing a restraining order can potentially help protect you.  But it is also well known that with some people it can antagonize them and cause more harm than good.

I have considered it multiple times but have come to believe that the best way to keep things quiet is do nothing.   No contact.   No reaction to their attempts at contact.

It takes huge strength which I haven't always displayed.   I too work with my ex and it's gut wrenching.   But even small conversation turns into massive trouble. [/quote]
So you reckon keeping my profiles public is the best way to keep her calm and quiet?

[cbcrna1]

They are mirroring what they can see you want, to supply their need to reconnect.  It is not that they can feel your need. It is definitely not empathy or real sorrow for your pain. If they see you have become grounded, found your self, they will disassociate from you.  They cannot be swallowed into you, because you have found yourself.  You need their need until you don't, and they will sense that.

[Infared]

They are mirroring what they can see you want, to supply their need to reconnect.  It is not that they can feel your need. It is definitely not empathy or real sorrow for your pain. If they see you have become grounded, found your self, they will disassociate from you.  They cannot be swallowed into you, because you have found yourself.  You need their need until you don't, and they will sense that.

If I see my ex it upsets me. Always. If she tries to connect with me my trained reaction is to do whatever I have to do in that moment to protect myself from harm. (Her). I just get away as fast as I can.perhaps I do have PTSD.

Not sure... . but my feelings are always intense because of how I was treated.

This is years later.

Do anyone else feel this way?

[Arminius]

I did feel that way.

Now, though, she's not supposed to contact me or she'll face arrest.

I have a plan. When I was still yearning, I took a lot of crap, a lot of insults and destruction from her.

I never retaliated, even though I know all of her insecurities. I could destroy her with words. If I do see her again, and she's tries any crap, she'll learn that I too can be a crude and cruel user of language. Yes, it'll destroy her. And it's no more than she deserves, frankly.

In the end stages, when she was being uncontrolled and cruel, she described herself and 'powerful now' . Well, I held back on being 'powerful' out of fear, obligation and guilt but also out of compassion and love. All of those elements she eventually destroyed in me, so now I am powerful, I need not spare her pathetic underdeveloped sense of self.

[Alex86]

The Waif is extremely sensitive to rejection and to criticism and expects to be punished. This is due to the negative effects of punitive, shaming and authoritative parenting on a child who wasn't able to express themselves freely. Therefore, Waifs have no idea how to speak about their inner turmoil and fall into despair. Looking for a rescuer, the Waif seeks to replace their parent in the romantic realm and finally be heard. Then the Waif projects the very same punitive, punishing behavior onto the romantic partner for failure to allow the Waif to express herself. Meanwhile the romantic partner wishes to rescue and puts their own feelings on hold. The Waif has obliterated the rescuers needs and feelings for her own. This is the lack of empathy of Borderlines. Waifs are unable to comprehend anyone elses pain but their own. It is a disorder of learned helplessness.

Unfortunately, No one can save a person that doesn't want to be saved. the only thing left to do is save yourself. A life with a Borderline is one filled with false beliefs, fabrication, distortion and deceit. Never forget that you are a stand-in for her parent. And that's not a fair concept to trade on.

[Turkish]

The Waif is extremely sensitive to rejection and to criticism and expects to be punished. This is due to the negative effects of punitive, shaming and authoritative parenting on a child who wasn't able to express themselves freely. Therefore, Waifs have no idea how to speak about their inner turmoil and fall into despair. Looking for a rescuer, the Waif seeks to replace their parent in the romantic realm and finally be heard. Then the Waif projects the very same punitive, punishing behavior onto the romantic partner for failure to allow the Waif to express herself. Meanwhile the romantic partner wishes to rescue and puts their own feelings on hold. The Waif has obliterated the rescuers needs and feelings for her own. This is the lack of empathy of Borderlines. Waifs are unable to comprehend anyone elses pain but their own. It is a disorder of learned helplessness.

Unfortunately, No one can save a person that doesn't want to be saved. the only thing left to do is save yourself. A life with a Borderline is one filled with false beliefs, fabrication, distortion and deceit. Never forget that you are a stand-in for her parent. And that's not a fair concept to trade on.

This describes my r/s pretty well, and my role as well. She was/is mostly Waif, though Queen, Witch and Hermit made their appearances.

When I asked her if she felt any remorse for what she did to me (cheating), she said, "I don't know, I'm still processing it."

What she felt wasn't guilt (which implies an action and hurt of another, and thus something rectifiable), but shame (which is all about her: "I'm a bad person, see what I did?". The core shame of a pwBPD drive so much of their disordered behaviors.

At the end, she did, of course, tell me flat out that my emotional abandonment "felt just like my father!" It was then that I knew it was probably permanently over, and a few weeks later, I finally called us done.

[Arminius]

Great waif quote.

'I don't know, Arminius' was a favorite response to quartos about why she did/felt/thought something... . All the time looking helpless and tormented even though she was the aggressor

[Alex86]

Waifs are unable to comprehend anyone elses pain but their own. It is a disorder of learned helplessness.

During our second chance for reconciliation, my ex was lecturing/accusing me how much pain had caused her our breakup. She never asked me how I had felt. I eventually came to the point of arguing and asked her: ":)o you know how I felt after you left me?"

No answer of course and always her pain was much stronger than mine.

[Arminius]

Mine explained that her hurting had happened long before, that I had destroyed her and made her not know who she was... .

She also said she was surprised I was hurt as she'd thought I was so narcissistic that I'd just forget her. I wonder where she heard the word narcissist?