One minute at a time

[purplicious]

I want to crawl in a hole and cry till I cant cry anymore. I want to show her everything that has happened in the last two years, ___ I would even settle for just showing her what happened Friday. The one I love hates me the one I love has never loved me like I love her.

So I am taking one minute at a time, hoping this pain will subside. Breathing and trying not to drown in this sorrow that has taken over. I miss her every second I just want to know she isn't hurting herself. I just want to tell her I love her and I am so sorry I got out of hand, but than I stop and think that if I wouldn't have been pushed so far into a hole that I wouldn't have gotten out of hand. So why do I want a hole now? When I just got out of one... .

I am rambling, I just need all this out of my head. I'm so sick of everyone putting their two sense in now that things are over. I wish they would realize that things are over and that them talking about it just makes it harder on me.   

I want her to hold me, I want to cry in her arms and have her make everything better... .Its just a dream... .cuz she might say and do what I need today but tomorrow it'll be hell again...

[LettingGo14]

I am rambling, I just need all this out of my head.

You have an eloquent way with words purplicious, which resonates with the deep pain and simultaneous disgust so many of us feel.   It's a paradox -- the craving & aversion.   I don't claim to understand what it touched so deeply in so many of us, but I do know that the only way out is through the emotion.   

Our thoughts and feelings seem radioactive for a while.  The wounds are raw. 

But we are in this together, and getting it all out here is good for you and helpful for so many.  Keep posting.

[Emelie Emelie]

Ah - Purplicious I am sorry.  I'm with you.  Sometimes one minute at a time is the best we can do.  And that's okay.  At this point I'm most often taking it one day at a time.  And trying to make the best of every day, find the blessings in every day, despite the pain and loss.  Trying because I don't want to give any more of my life to him than I already have.  So I try to accept the pain, the loss, the confusion... .accept it - not deny it, and have the best day I can in spite of it.  Somedays I do better than others.   

I also just wanted to run to him and somehow have him make it all better.  (Crazy, isn't it?  To look to the source of the pain to stop the pain?)  Cry in his arms and have him hold me and tell me it was all going to be okay.  Well you know what?  I got my wish.  We got back together months later.  He got down on his knees in front of me and said I am so terribly, terribly sorry for hurting you.  I promise you I will never hurt you like that again.  I did start to cry and he held me in his arms and said I love you, I am so sorry, over and over.  Then of course, as you know it would be, it was hell again. 

I was very touched by the way you expressed your pain and frustration and sense of helplessness.  Your wish to understand what happened.  Have her understand what happened.  I think most of us are with you on that.  You have a wisdom that will carry you through.  You know enough to let yourself feel it, and deal with it, one minute at a time.  Thank you for sharing.

[Caramel]

Im so sorry you are going through so much pain purplicious. I feel your pain. I am exactly where you are.

I crawl into my hole too. Cry all day. I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Every morning I wake up and convince myself to live another day. Seems like I will never be able to love anyone as much as I loved him.

I hate it when people tell me that it's over and I need to move on.

I still love him. I still think that if he gives me a chance I can prove to him that he is wrong. That I was not a bad person and I truly loved him.

I keep replaying in my head the last time we had a fight. I just want to tell him that what I said to him was only a reaction to all the unfair accusations and blames. That whatever I said was out of helplessness and frustration.

But then I think to myself I would have never left him over such a minor issue. I would have stayed and tried to fix the problems. I would have fought for my love. But he had the power to walk away, just like that, not to love and miss me anymore. Just as if I never existed.

This tells me something. Although very painful. That we were not on the same page. That he did not love me as much as I loved him. That nothing I said or did could ever change a thing. It never did in the past. It never will in the future.

Please tell us how you feel. We are all here for you. We are all in this together. We are gonna be fine. Hang in there.

[babyducks]

Hang in there.  Do whatever you have to do to get thru the day one tiny tiny tiny bit better than you were yesterday.  We've got your back.

[purplicious]

Thanks everyone for your understanding.

This is day 4. I still find myself second guessing what I am doing. Not the leaving part but I feel guilty being with my family and friends. This was a big no no before. I find myself still thinking of what she would say with any action I do. I also find myself still thinking about her every second. I know this will subside.

Raw wound is the right terminology for the feelings right now. Like the band-aid was ripped off real slowwww.

It is super crazy how the one who caused the most of this pain is the one I want to stop it. Yet I know that would never happen.

I still feel like I'm in a nightmare. I guess it hasn't truly sunken in yet that we are over. I still find myself wanting to text her. Tho I wont. It helps when she goes off on me. Just reminds me of what it was really like and not how I wanted it to be. It amazes me that we can live in the few and far between happy moments and basically lie to ourselves about all the bad ones. I am trying to focus on how I really felt and how it really was. Still I wish I had a magic wand to wave over her and make her all better. She will always be the one I love completely.