custody order

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I have a custody order that my ex-wife has 3 visits per year with the kids.    The GAL actually recommended four, but only 3 ever got included in the final order.    There are 6 months between her visit this week and the next one.   She is really mad about it and wants another visit in the fall.

She of course is asking me to just agree to a fall visit.    I think the intentions was for this visit just somehow my lawyer missed it.

If I did agree to a fall visit could this make my court order unenforceable?    I was warned by the sheriff and the GAL to make sure I follow it.

She called CPS on me last week so it's not like I want to give into any of her needs.

[suffering_parent]

So I have a custody order that my ex-wife has 3 visits per year with the kids.    The GAL actually recommended four, but only 3 ever got included in the final order.    There are 6 months between her visit this week and the next one.   She is really mad about it and wants another visit in the fall.

She of course is asking me to just agree to a fall visit.    I think the intentions was for this visit just somehow my lawyer missed it.

If I did agree to a fall visit could this make my court order unenforceable?    I was warned by the sheriff and the GAL to make sure I follow it.

She called CPS on me last week so it's not like I want to give into any of her needs.

[ForeverDad]

She is really mad about it and wants another visit in the fall... .

She called CPS on me last week... .

And you're seriously considering her demand in light of what she's just did?  Sadly, the Good Guys and Nice Gals here can't afford to reward bad behaviors, as much as we want to be Nice we simply can't risk enabling more bad behaviors.

Every single time I complained to my lawyer about ex not complying with the terms of our traded time, holiday time or whatever, his reply was, "Stop deviating from the order!"

That's what I would remind you... . Don't deviate from the order, your sense of fairness or niceness wont be reciprocated and very likely will be used against you somehow.

Don't feel sorry for her, she obviously isn't feeling sorry for you.  Right?

Whether or not there are legal ramifications to relaxing an order firmly in your favor, it is so new you have to give it a chance to work.  Respect the court, follow the order.  Maybe in a year or two you can decide whether you can deviate from the order without consequences to the order, to you or to the children.

Remember, the order is not so much about limiting her as it is about protecting the best interests of the children.  It's not about her, it's all about the children.  Don't let her rewrite history and make it about herself.

I was warned by the sheriff and the GAL to make sure I follow it.

Think about this... . why would you listen to her and ignore the clear warnings from the experienced professionals?  They're the emotionally neutral ones, they are on the outside looking in and therefore able to see the situation more objectively, listen to them!

[DontPanic]

I was told this by a good friend when I had to get a DVPO order against my ex. You need to follow the order to the letter. the reason is that if you fold the court starts to question YOU and will wonder why you got the order in the first place. Now with time I've seen this type of thing go so far with other people that the children were taken from both parents because they could not follow the court order.

So, is it so important to be nice that you would risk losing all? I would hope not...

[suffering_parent]

I agree I need to follow the order.   I think my lawyer messed up the order though and she was representing herself.    The judge just signed it.

I really don't want to go back to court to add it.   I guess it is up to her to get it modified.   Until it is I can't allow it.

[livednlearned]

I agree I need to follow the order.   I think my lawyer messed up the order though and she was representing herself.    The judge just signed it.

I really don't want to go back to court to add it.   I guess it is up to her to get it modified.   Until it is I can't allow it.

Did you send anything in writing to your ex that suggests you are amenable to changes?

Even if your lawyer made a mistake, your ex had an opportunity to correct it, first when it was sent to her after your lawyer drafted it, and then a second time when the order was entered. In my state, that's a hearing where both parties are expected to attend.

If she wants to change it, let her go back to court. Unfortunately, it will cost you attorney fees, but it puts the burden on her to show that this is meaningful to her.

Don't feel guilty. Your ex is a grown up and if she's capable of calling CPS on you for no reason, she is capable of reading legal documents about the long-term custody arrangements of her child.

[ugghh]

Follow the order definitely.  My stbx followed the phony RO path early in our divorce.  By the time we got to the actual hearing 2 weeks later of whether it would stand or not I had handed my L literally 2 big folders of emails and text messaging printouts showing that contrary to her assertions in the RO, I was not the one making the contact, it was initiated by her by a ratio of 10 to 1.  

Her lawyer took one look at the size of the files and it took all the wind out of her sails.  It also helped the stbx L start to see just how much her client was exaggerating.  She would not have had a chance in front of the judge.

[mywifecrazy]

Interesting topic. In my case my uBPDxw left me and my boys (9&14) she only asked for her to have custody every other weekend. So I have Primary Custody and we share legal custody.

She barely ever asks for extra time with the kids but if she does like this weekend I gave her 2 extra nights. I leave it up to the kids.

Am I to understand that this could actually hurt me if she ever tries to take me to court to increase her custody time?  I was under the impression that the courts would look favorably on the fact that Im taking the kids best interests to heart. Am I wrong?

PS. I'm not really worried at this point about her wanting more custody. The only reason she asked for more time is because it was her birthday and her new r/s was away... .   I mean what kind of mother walks out on her kids anyway!

[suffering_parent]

Interesting topic. In my case my uBPDxw left me and my boys (9&14) she only asked for her to have custody every other weekend. So I have Primary Custody and we share legal custody.

She barely ever asks for extra time with the kids but if she does like this weekend I gave her 2 extra nights. I leave it up to the kids.

Am I to understand that this could actually hurt me if she ever tries to take me to court to increase her custody time?  I was under the impression that the courts would look favorably on the fact that Im taking the kids best interests to heart. Am I wrong?

PS. I'm not really worried at this point about her wanting more custody. The only reason she asked for more time is because it was her birthday and her new r/s was away... .   I mean what kind of mother walks out on her kids anyway!

Mine would just not follow any of the order.   She would miss her dates, want other dates, other locations etc.    Through all the chaos multiple people told me to follow the order exactly or it would become unenforceable.   My order is pretty strict though and she of course pushes all boundaries.   The biggest one is she can't take the kids out of the judge's jurisdiction.   It drives her nuts, but if I allowed it you could see where I would lose my legal standing.

[ForeverDad]

Interesting topic. In my case my uBPDxw left me and my boys (9&14) she only asked for her to have custody every other weekend. So I have Primary Custody and we share legal custody.

I mean what kind of mother walks out on her kids anyway!

- slight hijack -

Note the gender expectations contrast... . Society for decades assumed that it was the proper thing for a father to walk away, leaving kids with mother (outdated Tender Years Doctrine), leaving wallet behind and settle for alternate weekends.  And even though it is supposed to be gender-neutral these days in politically correct equality today, fathers today are still struggling with the unstated defaults of that sort still found in courts and with professionals.  So I guess my question is, primarily to show how society norms are so pervasive, Why would you question a mother for taking alternate weekends when fathers are often expected to accept the same schedule?  This goes back to deeply entrenched societal concepts.  Not saying it's wrong in itself but it reveals different expectations between the genders.  Something to ponder.

- end slight hijack -

[mywifecrazy]

Interesting topic. In my case my uBPDxw left me and my boys (9&14) she only asked for her to have custody every other weekend. So I have Primary Custody and we share legal custody.

I mean what kind of mother walks out on her kids anyway!

- slight hijack -

Note the gender expectations contrast... . Society for decades assumed that it was the proper thing for a father to walk away, leaving kids with mother (outdated Tender Years Doctrine), leaving wallet behind and settle for alternate weekends.  And even though it is supposed to be gender-neutral these days in politically correct equality today, fathers today are still struggling with the unstated defaults of that sort still found in courts and with professionals.  So I guess my question is, primarily to show how society norms are so pervasive, Why would you question a mother for taking alternate weekends when fathers are often expected to accept the same schedule?  This goes back to deeply entrenched societal concepts.  Not saying it's wrong in itself but it reveals different expectations between the genders.  Something to ponder.

- end slight hijack -

What I should have put is what kind of PARENT walks away from their kids. In my way of thinking it's unacceptable for either a Mom or a Dad to do that! It pisses me off just as much when I hear about Dads who abandon their kids. I had friends who did this and they are friends no more!

I as a loving father would fight to the death to be with my kids. I would NOT accept only seeing them every other weekend. My first thought when I caught my uBPDxw in an affair was "Oh my God, the Kids" "What's going to happen to them" "Am I going to lose them".  The Kids were last on the list for my X. She wanted to be able to run around fancy free without her sons getting in the way... . PATHETIC!  

For the record it's woman who condemn my X the most when they hear of how she gave up her kids. It's the women they get ANGRY when they hear my story. Their motherly instinct kicks in and they get very upset.  What you DONT hear about in society is the Fatherly Instinct! It is just as strong as a motherly instinct. A good man is NOT hard to find. It's just that society tries to sell us that a child needs their mother and fathers are expendable... . WRONG! A child needs a good mother and a good father. If that's not realistic due to divorce I think the child is better off with the parent that is more stable and the one that puts their kids well being in front of their own selfish needs! I'm off my soap box!

PS your name says it all foreverDAD!

[whirlpoollife]

Interesting topic.

Am I to understand that this could actually hurt me if she ever tries to take me to court to increase her custody time?  

Not to take away from s_p, but at my work they asked/please!  for me  to come in on a day/night on a weekend I have the kids.  I have been sticking to court order.  I work when kids aren't home. So if kids go to their dad one night could  it effect any future order?

[livednlearned]

Interesting topic.

Am I to understand that this could actually hurt me if she ever tries to take me to court to increase her custody time?  

Not to take away from s_p, but at my work they asked/please!  for me  to come in on a day/night on a weekend I have the kids.  I have been sticking to court order.  I work when kids aren't home. So if kids go to their dad one night could  it effect any future order?

One night, not likely is my guess.