Inconsiderate and Selfish Behavior

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I just personally needed to vent today. This topic isn't especially taxing on me, as I've gotten used to much of my uBPD wife's self-involved attitude but something really rubbed me the wrong way yesterday. With that said, I'm not even sure why () I'm writing this but I am. Anytime my wife and I are driving somewhere and go through a drive through restaurant, my wife always grabs her food and goes to town eating without asking if I need help or if she can hand my food to me while I'm driving. Keep in mind that if her and I are in a car together then I am ALWAYS the one in the driver seat. Putting a straw in my drink or putting my fries between my legs so I can reach them without being distracted while driving would be nice. But this never happens. I always have to ask or gently remind her to do so and when I do it is always an argument about how I shouldn't be even eating and driving, how unsafe it is, etc and so forth. I just end up fumbling around for my food while keeping my eye on the road until she makes a large frustrated sigh and shoves my food into my lap.

Same thing when it comes to dinner at the house. If I cook and serve our plates then I always serve everyone's plate and hand it to them. That's the nice thing to do. Or at least I serve my own plate and make sure everyone else has silverware and a drink. However, if my wife is making herself a plate then that's all it is; making HERSELF a plate. If I ask her to serve me then I'm being lazy, selfish, rude, sexist, or whatever she thinks that day. And 9/10 days I prepare, cook and serve dinner. There are plenty more "small annoyances" that are prime examples of her selfishness/inconsiderate attitude but I'd rather not keep pontificating at this point.

I know these things are small and really petty at face value but they add up over time when it happens everyday or at least with unwavering consistency. A little consideration goes such a long way in any relationship. It just wears me down some days always having to be the one to put that extra energy and forethought into our marriage. I know this marriage isn't forever but at least it would be nice for her to be more selfless in the mean time. Anyways, thanks for letting me share.

[ATLandon]

I just personally needed to vent today. This topic isn't especially taxing on me, as I've gotten used to much of my uBPD wife's self-involved attitude but something really rubbed me the wrong way yesterday. With that said, I'm not even sure why () I'm writing this but I am. Anytime my wife and I are driving somewhere and go through a drive through restaurant, my wife always grabs her food and goes to town eating without asking if I need help or if she can hand my food to me while I'm driving. Keep in mind that if her and I are in a car together then I am ALWAYS the one in the driver seat. Putting a straw in my drink or putting my fries between my legs so I can reach them without being distracted while driving would be nice. But this never happens. I always have to ask or gently remind her to do so and when I do it is always an argument about how I shouldn't be even eating and driving, how unsafe it is, etc and so forth. I just end up fumbling around for my food while keeping my eye on the road until she makes a large frustrated sigh and shoves my food into my lap.

Same thing when it comes to dinner at the house. If I cook and serve our plates then I always serve everyone's plate and hand it to them. That's the nice thing to do. Or at least I serve my own plate and make sure everyone else has silverware and a drink. However, if my wife is making herself a plate then that's all it is; making HERSELF a plate. If I ask her to serve me then I'm being lazy, selfish, rude, sexist, or whatever she thinks that day. And 9/10 days I prepare, cook and serve dinner. There are plenty more "small annoyances" that are prime examples of her selfishness/inconsiderate attitude but I'd rather not keep pontificating at this point.

I know these things are small and really petty at face value but they add up over time when it happens everyday or at least with unwavering consistency. A little consideration goes such a long way in any relationship. It just wears me down some days always having to be the one to put that extra energy and forethought into our marriage. I know this marriage isn't forever but at least it would be nice for her to be more selfless in the mean time. Anyways, thanks for letting me share.

[waverider]

It is frustrating, and we know that is the way it is and we have to learn not to be bothered about it, as that is the bit we can control... But that is still a hard thing to do.

Even if you could get her to change some of her ways, there will still be other instances, as the behavioral characteristic is on your radar.

Massive fines in Aus for eating behind the wheel. Though I am sure most of us still snack away.

[3 children]

Wow.  Sounds exactly like my household.  My wife does the exact same thing and calls me the exact same things as well.  I've always done my part cleaning, laundry, dinner, dishes, breakfast, making lunches, giving baths, scrubbing showers and toilets, kids to bed, taking kids to school so she can sleep in.  And some how still find the time to work my 10 hour days.  I told her the other day it feels like she does little to help ease the burden on me.  She asked for an example so I told her months ago that I had asked on a few occasions if she would help me make my lunch for the next day... . She replied yes and then immediately yelled up to our 12 year old to come down and make dad's lunch.   After a few times played out like this I stopped asking.  When I reminded her of this she replied by saying I was "sexist" for "expecting" her to do it.   What the hell?   Doesn't even make sense.  I do a hell of a lot more laundry than her and I actually fold it and put it away!   Instead of leaving it on the floor for someone else to clean up.   And the driving wow!  Same thing as you.   Your to close... . To fast... . Did you look behind you?  Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.   I feel your pain.  I don't know my head from my $& half the time with all that kind if unnecessary stuff.  Like you said you do the little things like dishing up others plates to show love.  But that doesn't even make sense to someone with Bpd.   And I keep hoping it will but deep down I know she will never change.   I don't believe it will for almost all of us dealing with this.   Those little things get really old and wearing after a while.    I completely understand where you coming from.

[JohnLove]

Ouch... . talk about hitting home. Those little gestures of Love do seem to pass completely unnoticed. The simple things we recognize straight away goes unrecognized to the pwBPD. Like those behaviours have no meaning or are foreign?. Baffling!.

[mace17]

I get frustrated by this same thing.  If my uBPDh makes some food for himself, he will get very angry if me of our son tries to eat any of it.  Once my mom was in the emergency room and then hospital after an accident, and I had gone there straight from work and been with her all evening.  H finally showed up about 9pm with a bag from a fast food place.  I thought aww how sweet I'm starving and he brought me food. I almost lost a finger touching the bag, he said that it was only for him and he couldn't share because he hadn't eaten all evening and was starving.  Just little stuff like that is frustrating, I always make sure to think of him and make or buy enough food to share with him.