Reawakening

[Strangerinthemirror]

After 5+ years of a relationship with my BPDgf, I've finally decided to reclaim my life and move on. It is a traumatic experience although taking control of my life is empowering. That said, I feel a profound sense of disorientation. I've read so many posts here where the situations described are similar mine although each story has it's own dynamic. I take comfort in knowing that what I've experienced isn't unique but still I wonder how I let things progress so long ... . But that's the past, now I'm focusing on myself and the future and I'm trying to learn the lessons worth learning and let go of the rest.

Tell me, am I eventually going to shake off the bad dream that has been my life? Are my psychic wounds going to heal, am I going to reclaim a sense of self-worth, am I going to ever be able to trust again and enjoy intimacy? I'm sure many of you will say "of course, give it time". But today and for the paste verbal weeks since I left, I've felt foggy, disoriented, alone, scared, anxious, worried about my xgf (who I am afraid is having a psychotic breakdown although I know I can't help her and need to stay strong with NC). Any tips for how others got over the initial phase? I've got a therapist I like and trust so I'm not alone. I've got supportive family and friends. But other than the therapist, I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been in a relationship with someone who has BPD can truly relate. So I'm turning to mr fellow sufferers and hoping to learn from any experiences you're willing to share.

Thank you.

[maternal]

Perhaps I've had it easier than some, because I moved across the country from my ex and am surrounded by amazingly supportive friends, family and love.

I'm still not completely out of the dark, but I can tell you that it does get easier.  I am wicked impatient and I would like nothing more than for all of this to just go away, so I can move on to a grown up, healthy relationship with someone who will actually reciprocate and love me through the thick and thin that life can bring.  But I know that I'm not ready for that just yet... . I will be eventually, though.

I had a great turn of tides for myself with the last bits of communication that I had with my ex before blocking him on all fronts.  I could finally see his words for the manipulative, consummate-victim, blaming, bullsh!t that they were.  And I knew right then and there that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with that in my life ever again.  I don't hate him, I just want nothing to do with him.  For me, that speech that Michael Corleone gave to his brother in The Godfather II went through my mind... . " You're dead to me Fredo... . " you know, that one.  And it's true.  Though I occasionally catch his presence on social media because we work in the same industry and have similar following and contacts, he is "dead" to me.  And he has to be.  Thoughts of him still bring up some emotion, but for the most part, that emotion is channeled into a huge sense of, pardon my french, F#@K THAT S&!T!.  I have absolutely no desire to ever go back.  None.  It destroyed me, but in that destruction, I am stronger, greater and more awesome than I have ever been.  Honestly, I am grateful to him now, for breaking me open and revealing me to myself.  I can only thank him for burning me to the ground and allowing me the chance to re-grow, healthier, stronger and better.  He is the cause for my transformation, and it is a good thing.

It took me a few months to get to this place, and I do have a ways to go, but I am grateful for the experience now.  It pushed me out of my cocoon so that I can fly.

[Strangerinthemirror]

Thank you, Maternal, four response. I know the feeling of not wanting the crap in my life anymore. I think I'm still too raw to be able to hold onto that as a way of managing the loss I feel. For instance, I still find myself asking whether my ex ever really loved me, is she really incapable of love, was I in love with an illusion, how did I let her fool me, etc. I know that someone with BPD is a supreme manipulator, an expert at gas lighting, at playing the victim. I'm not angry (maybe just a little) and don't want to be bitter so I really hope I can come out of this with the self-confidence and ability to not only to forgive, but to feel the gratitude you've expressed for a painful experience that ultimately enabled a new "you" to emerge. Right now, I have very little sense of self. I hope I'll find a new me somewhere down the line.

[topknot]

Strangerinthem, I do understand.  I dated him in my other house in the country.  Now I made a major relocation to more of city life, and I let him move into my new environment.  Now that he has booked, I feel almost out of body. Sometimes I wonder if this is all a bad nightmare,  and I will wake up five years ago when I was happy. My kids are gone, he took his dogs and left. I feel like one of those crazy bag ladies now. I have no grounding because he assured me I would never be alone again. I am untrusting, withdrawn, and raw. My guy friend from grade school came to mow my lawn. He said hey, I have always loved you. I would do anything for you.  I said you are my friend, but I am an empty vessel with nothing to give. Please don't touch me other than a hug hello and goodbye.  I hope in time I return. I pray for that... .

[24/7/30]

It gets better!  When I was right where you are now, feeling no sense of self, what I was before the relationship, who I had become, and I could go on and on and on... . I wanted to drink something or take something to make it all go away... . but the answer I have learned is time, milestones, opportunities to read, learn, listen, forgive yourself, talk it through, remember... . and give it time. 

I have been out 4 years after being in 15 years and I am so much better.  I compare today to a month ago or a year ago and I am amazed.  But it has taken a lot of hard work, zillions of tears, and small victories.  And I have read and re-read this board and the incredible information here. It has helped.  I have not been a big "poster" but a good faithful reader.  And I have been given the gift of time... . and you will be given it too.  I'm sorry you have had to go through this... . but it will be better.  I know. Cause I was you and now I am the person others were for me when they told me it will be better.  Hang in there!

[maternal]

Thank you, Maternal, four response. I know the feeling of not wanting the crap in my life anymore. I think I'm still too raw to be able to hold onto that as a way of managing the loss I feel. For instance, I still find myself asking whether my ex ever really loved me, is she really incapable of love, was I in love with an illusion, how did I let her fool me, etc. I know that someone with BPD is a supreme manipulator, an expert at gas lighting, at playing the victim. I'm not angry (maybe just a little) and don't want to be bitter so I really hope I can come out of this with the self-confidence and ability to not only to forgive, but to feel the gratitude you've expressed for a painful experience that ultimately enabled a new "you" to emerge. Right now, I have very little sense of self. I hope I'll find a new me somewhere down the line.

I was in the place that you are now for longer than I care to admit.  I lost myself long ago.  I pursued that relationship, and I was in it (off and on, of course... . you know that drill, I'm sure) for four years.  I lost myself a few years back, and though I recognized that loss of self, I had no idea that it could possibly be connected to him.  Having gotten away from him, from that horrible disorder, for just under two months, I am already re-emerging. 

You can come away with all the self-confidence that you need.  You can't beat yourself up, that's how you got where you are.  You have to tell yourself that you love you every day, more than once if necessary.  It sounds corny, but you have to say to yourself that you love you and that you are grateful for life right now.  Say it out loud.  You have to embrace the moment, and you have to love yourself.  It will do more for you than you know... .

[half-life]

I also wish to hear more others story about healing and about starting a healthy relationship! 95% percent of posts are stories of terrible suffering. Of course these are stories we all empathize. But I also want to hear stories of renewal of life. Well maybe I should spend some time on the healing board. The thing is I have lost certain faith in humanity. I was left with the impression that all relationships are torture like the one I'm in. Beneath the surface I was never good enough and my partner is going to resent me.

I am hoping to hear other story of loving, respectful and fulfilling relationships to get inspired.

[Strangerinthemirror]

To my friends who posted overnight, thank you so much for your thoughts, encouragement, understanding and strength. Reading your words as I wake up has given me a lift of spirit I'll try to sustain throughout the day.

[thelword]

I'm in the same boat as you...    It's important to not beat ourselves up over the time spent with them. 

Some days are better than others. Good luck to you   

[enlighten me]

Hi strangerinthemirror

Yes you can reclaim your life back. When my ex wife left me I was devastated. A total wreck. I missed her so much and was willing to forgive everything that she had ever done. After months of pain, anguish and self loathing I started to come out of the other side. I straightened out my finances, went on some holidays, spent lots of quality time with my sons and started doing all the things that I wanted to do and not someone else. I was lonely as I was living somewhere that I didn't know many people but I hadn't felt so good about myself in many years.

Unfortunately I then got into a relationship with the love of my life from when I was 18 who also happens to have BPD. Now Im coming out of the other end of that  relationship and the healing process is a lot quicker.

What Ive learnt about breaking up with a BPD is as follows:

1) It takes time to get over them and part of you never will.

2) Expect the worst. If you think that your ex has cheated on you she probably did. You don't need nasty surprises coming up and setting your recovery back. If you later find out that she did do something it will still hurt but not as much.

3) Anger is your friend (well at least in the beginning). Use your anger to stop you slipping back. Remind yourself of what they have done and how it made you feel. You can only progress to forgiveness then onto indifference once you are safely out of it.

4) No contact is good. It stops you getting pulled back in. Remember that you have put up with and accepted their stories even though you knew they were wrong so whats to stop you doing it now. If you have to have contact then limit it to written contact only. That way they cant back out of any agreements or if they do then you have it in black and white. If they are pestering you get a new phone number or block them.

5) Get a life. All those hobbies and friends that were put on hold during the relationship reconnect with.

6) Talk about it. I bent the ears off of everyone who would listen. You will know when your getting over it as you become bored of talking about it.

7) Have a change of scenery. Whether it is a total relocation (a bit extreme), a holiday or just heading off for the day somewhere new. You need these new experiences.

This isn't a hard and fast set of rules to follow only what has been very successful for me. Hope it helps.

[heartandwhole]

Hi strangerinthemirror,

This is a very difficult decision and my heart goes out to you.  I'm sorry you are hurting right now, though it's very understandable, and normal after what you've been through.    Grieving the loss of my relationship with pwBPD (and all the losses in my childhood that it triggered) was one of the hardest things I've been through, and I felt very disoriented and anxious, too.

The good news is that things really do get better.  It's not easy, and there will be ups and downs, but you absolutely can reclaim your life and come out the better for it.  Right now, acknowledging your feelings is a great first step.  Many of us want to gloss over or run away from the profound feelings of sadness and hurt (naturally), but allowing them some space is very important, so that they can move and eventually dissipate. 

From Stage 1 of Detachment (sidebar –––––––>:

Rather than pushing away the anxiety and fear of losing what you care about, let it come up and breathe into it the same way. And when you're experiencing the hopelessness of actual loss, allow it in.

You are doing all the right things, stranger – you have a T, a good support network, and you are posting here.  If you haven't already, I encourage you to read all the Leaving lessons, they really help.  For example, something that helped me tremendously was realizing that pwBPD wasn't experiencing our relationship in the same way that I was:

Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

You will get through this, stranger, I have faith in you.   

heartandwhole