uBPD Mother, extended family, and a funeral...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Again, thank you all for your help.  Even though it is unfortunate, it feels better to know that I am not alone and I have some people who understand exactly what I am going through.

This past week, my grandfather (mother's father) passed away after about three years of being very sick.  I am doing alright with it because we weren't very close, and he had been sick and almost has passed multiple times, so I was prepared for it.  My dad, boyfriend, and I were going on vacation this weekend, but that got pushed back to after my grandfather's funeral on Monday.  I offered to come home and have dinner with my mom and grandmother, but my mother said that she does not want to have dinner with my boyfriend (he would have to come with us because we are leaving from my parent's house for vacation).  At first she was totally fine with everything, but now she is playing the victim again.  She just called yesterday to inform me that the family is having a dinner tonight that I could come home for.  I really did not want to go because I am so stressed as it is.  Plus, that would involve an overnight stay at my parent's house, which is just an unhealthy situation for me to be in, and I do not want to deal with that right now.  (Earlier this week I sort of broke down because of  a combination of my grandfather dying and my cousin started attacking me because I was not originally going to make it to the funeral because of our vacation, and my mother sided with all the horrible things she said.)  Anyway, I told her I would come for the funeral, but I would not be able to make it home for the dinner.  She started saying that my priorities are messed up, that my boyfriend can't behave, that I am not making mature adult decisions, that this decision will have consequences, that I am the reason why my extended family thinks down on me, I am so nice to everyone else and so mean to her, there are no words for the amount of disappointment she has, etc.  I told her I am making this decision because of me and that I will see her on Monday.  Then she just kept saying, I can't believe you think this is ok and cried and hung up.

I believe I did the right thing and stood my ground, but I am still stressed and nervous for how the funeral will go tomorrow.  I know that she is telling my family sh** about me as always.  I know that I will never do anything right.  Even if I did go to this dinner, there would be something else that I did wrong.  I am tired of trying to please her, because I know there is no pleasing her... .  How do I handle this tomorrow?  Any suggestions, tips, etc?  Also, how do I relax about this?

Thanks!

[kookaburra13]

Again, thank you all for your help.  Even though it is unfortunate, it feels better to know that I am not alone and I have some people who understand exactly what I am going through.

This past week, my grandfather (mother's father) passed away after about three years of being very sick.  I am doing alright with it because we weren't very close, and he had been sick and almost has passed multiple times, so I was prepared for it.  My dad, boyfriend, and I were going on vacation this weekend, but that got pushed back to after my grandfather's funeral on Monday.  I offered to come home and have dinner with my mom and grandmother, but my mother said that she does not want to have dinner with my boyfriend (he would have to come with us because we are leaving from my parent's house for vacation).  At first she was totally fine with everything, but now she is playing the victim again.  She just called yesterday to inform me that the family is having a dinner tonight that I could come home for.  I really did not want to go because I am so stressed as it is.  Plus, that would involve an overnight stay at my parent's house, which is just an unhealthy situation for me to be in, and I do not want to deal with that right now.  (Earlier this week I sort of broke down because of  a combination of my grandfather dying and my cousin started attacking me because I was not originally going to make it to the funeral because of our vacation, and my mother sided with all the horrible things she said.)  Anyway, I told her I would come for the funeral, but I would not be able to make it home for the dinner.  She started saying that my priorities are messed up, that my boyfriend can't behave, that I am not making mature adult decisions, that this decision will have consequences, that I am the reason why my extended family thinks down on me, I am so nice to everyone else and so mean to her, there are no words for the amount of disappointment she has, etc.  I told her I am making this decision because of me and that I will see her on Monday.  Then she just kept saying, I can't believe you think this is ok and cried and hung up.

I believe I did the right thing and stood my ground, but I am still stressed and nervous for how the funeral will go tomorrow.  I know that she is telling my family sh** about me as always.  I know that I will never do anything right.  Even if I did go to this dinner, there would be something else that I did wrong.  I am tired of trying to please her, because I know there is no pleasing her... .  How do I handle this tomorrow?  Any suggestions, tips, etc?  Also, how do I relax about this?

Thanks!

[HappyChappy]

I know that I will never do anything right.  Even if I did go to this dinner, there would be something else that I did wrong.  I am tired of trying to please her, because I know there is no pleasing her... .  How do I handle this tomorrow?  Any suggestions, tips, etc?  Also, how do I relax about this?

Thanks!

Sorry to hear about the stress you're under and the unfair treatment from your mom. But sounds like you've started to do the right thing by opting out of the stressfull meal. You need to step off the roller coaster your mom wants to put you on. Easier said than done. But a turning point for me was realising there's absolutly nothing I can do about what my BPD says or does. I can't stop her propoganda and to try would wear me out. If you're tied of trying to please her, don't try. Just be yourself. A BPD will critise you regadless of your behaviour, regadless of who you are. If you are your true self, then people will see her propoganda doesn't ring true. If she doesn't get a reaction, she may lose intrest and try and wind someone else up. Maybe a thick vail at the funeral, - so your BPD can't make eye contact.

[HappyChappy]

Woops. I tried to edit and his happened.

[CrazyNoMore]

Hey Kookaburra,

Hope you can see this before the funeral.  I'm sending you all the strength I can. 

Here's something to keep in mind.  This funeral IS NOT ABOUT HER.  At least, not for you it isn't.  You are going to honor your grandfather and whatever other emotional/spiritual benefit you may derive for yourself and for no other reason.  You're not going in order to make her happy, you're not going in order to prove anything to the extended family.  You are going for your reasons, and your reasons alone. 

From a practical standpoint, may offer a bit of advice based on personal experience:

Make sure you always have a physical way out.  Make sure you have your own transportation.  DO NOT be dependent on someone else for a ride under any circumstances.  Make sure you can be close to an exit if at all possible.  Know another way out of the building if you're going to a funeral home or house of worship.  If your mother attacks at any point in the proceedings, leave. 

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts today.    

[nomom4me]

Two questions?  Are you staying with her?  Is your boyfriend attending the funeral?

If you answered yes to either of those I highly suggest you asses the risks and benefits of staying somewhere else and not having your boyfriend attend the service.


I'm going to share what happened when my grandmother died.  She was in her 90's and had been sick, we had not been close and it was sad, but not earth shattering for me.  I made the mistake of letting my mom decide where I stayed, guess what she suggested?  The bed of the deceased.  I refused and she showed me how "unreasonable" I was being by sleeping there herself - with her boyfriend, and my grandmother has insisted they sleep in different beds as they are not married.  I also missed an important appointment because my mother could not be bothered to move the memorial by the day, I should have gone over her head and spoke with her brothers - they grew up with her and had somehow managed to plan the service without my mom overcomplicating things.

I travelled out of state with my niece who is close with my mother at the time, so that complicated the situation.  In an ideal situation I would have flown in for one or two nights, stayed in a hotel and made very brief appearances at other family functions.

Your boyfriend sounds like a trigger for your mother, you deserve support and you both deserve a vacation - don't let her ruin either.  Hoping this goes well for you and you are able to relax on vacation.

[kookaburra13]

Good evening all!  I am back from vacation and doing well.  It was definitely a much needed vacation, aside from the drama with my mother of course... .

When I got to the funeral, I went to hug my mother and she refused to hug me, talk to me, or even look at me.  After the funeral there was a luncheon, and my mother and sister refused to sit with me, and still did not even acknowledge my presence.  After the luncheon, there was a military service at the national cemetary, which was very moving and a great experience.  When we were leaving and saying our goodbyes, I hugged my mother goodbye.  She told me "I feel like I lost a daughter this weekend too", to which I replied, "No you didn't I am right here, I love you mom", and she just said "No you don't" and walked away.  During the week I was on vacation, she didn't talk to me at all.  I was so hurt even though I should be used to this by now, and I should be expecting her to treat me that way.  My mother basically told me I was dead to her.  My mother has decided not to love me over something so stupid.  I know that I will never do anything right in her eyes, that I will always be "not good enough" no matter what I do.  I know that she will always try to play the victim and constantly try to make me feel guilty.  It still hurts though.  I know I have a lot that I need to face and grieve over so that I can get past this, it is just really hard to deal with, which I am sure you all know.

At some point during vacation, she texted my dad asking him if he talked to me about "all the crap" I pulled... .  I talked to him, and he seems to be understanding about it, which is very good.  When we got back from vacation, my mother didn't even come out of the house until we were about to leave.  I hugged her and said hi mom, and she hardly hugged back and just said hi.  Then we said goodbye, and she said "do you have anything to say to me?" and I just said "no" and got in the car.  She stopped me in the car when I got halfway down the driveway and said "are you sure you don't have anything to say to me?" and I said "no" and drove away.  since then we have not talked at all. 

It has been about 2 weeks since the funeral, and she had just texted me and said "are you ok? can you possibly tell me what you are thinking and feeling?"   I do not know what to say, nor do I know if I should even reply?  I am wary about opening the lines of communication again... .and I do not want to get into a fight with her.  Anyone have similar experiences?  Thoughts?

[littlebirdcline]

Wow.  First I am impressed with how you handled yourself.  I wanted to yell at her, and I don't even know her.  Except that I sorta do, because she sounds just like my mother.  My first thought about her text is that you could tell her what you're thinking and feeling, but she's just gonna hear what she wants to hear.  Anything you say will be filtered through her distorted prism, so it probably won't have the effect you would want anyway.  I recently sent my mother a very kind, but serious, email about what I was thinking and feeling, and she completely ignored it.  Just went back to the same old crap.

I am constantly amazed at their ability to make everything about them.  As a result, we never make anything about us.  Even when it should be.  At least that's the way it is for me.  You seem to be doing a good job of not letting her dominate.  Do you think you can do that if you start communication with her again?  To me, that's the key.  Do you feel able to talk to her and remain calm?  Maintain boundaries?  I recently responded to a horrid email from my mother that I wasn't ready to talk to her at the moment.  I  wish I could be as calm as you seem to have been (at least when interacting with her), but at the moment, I think I would just end up yelling.  Giving her what she wants.  So, to me, you have to follow your gut- are you ready to talk with her without playing her games?

Good luck.  I hope things get better!

[CrazyNoMore]

Hey Kookaburra,

Well, for as awful as it was, it sounds like you managed to get through it all with your dignity intact.

Then we said goodbye, and she said "do you have anything to say to me?" and I just said "no" and got in the car.  She stopped me in the car when I got halfway down the driveway and said "are you sure you don't have anything to say to me?" and I said "no" and drove away.  since then we have not talked at all. 

 

Dang, girl, good for you!    

My guess is she's stunned, stunned, I tell you, that you refused to play her game and that you made your exit 100% on your terms.  She's probably scratching her head at that, wondering what went "wrong".  You were supposed to cry and grovel and beg forgiveness, don'tcha know.  That's the reason for that (rather pathetic) attempt to engage you just now.  I mean, you can't play the game if you've dropped the rope.

No, you do NOT have to respond to her.  IF you decide to do so, it should be 100% on your terms and nothing else.  It's 100% your decision.  But based on my personal experience, I'd become a black hole, at least for a while.  Kookaburra needs to take care of Kookaburra right now.

[kookaburra13]

Seriously, thank you so much.  When dealing with a situation like this, as I am sure you know, sometimes (actually most of the time) it is hard to determine what the right way to handle it is, and I am glad to hear that I did something right! (It is also a nice change from what my mother constantly tells me -- that I do nothing right) I did reply to her with short answers, trying to avoid conflict, and she started attacking me again, and went back to the "do you have anything else to say?" Now today she is trying to be nice to me... .total black and white from yesterday and today... .but you know what?  It is a game and I know it, and I do not feel like playing. At all.  So I haven't answered her-even the nice messages from today.  Not doing it.