Get out or Work it out?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

First off, I want to thank everybody here.  I've been reading these boards for awhile (watched the videos too) and have learned so much about my BPD mom's "crazy" behavior.  What an incredible resource this site is!

I've gotten myself into a tricky situation with uBPDM and I could really use your advice and opinions.  I've been leery of writing about my experience here because I couldn't help but think "what happens when she learns that I think she has this disorder?  What if she does some online research, finds this site, and recognizes herself in something I have written and figures out that it's me and that I am writing about her?  There will be major hell to pay, I better not risk it. "   Typical right? Anyway, I need the advice more than I need to worry about her finding out so... . here goes.

I grew up in a toxic, dysfunctional, abusive (rarely physical) home.  Dad is an alcoholic and major bully, lots of mental and verbal abuse there.  At the time Mom seemed the better of the two but was always irrational and unpredictable with emotional meltdowns and rages.  You know the drill.  Anyway, I got out early and went LC without even knowing I was going "LC" didn't know there was a name for it I just knew I had to get out, get away, get some distance. 

That's basically how it's been for 20 years.  I haven't lived in the same town, or seen them more than once or twice a year.  I always tried to keep visits short, 3 days would be ok, 5-7 days was way too long and would trigger fights and misery.  I've been in touch, we've had a relationship, but I wouldn't say we are really close.

I've done a lot of work on myself, dealt with a lot of issues that were handed to me by them, am a recovering alcoholic myself (5 years in September) and have been doing and feeling very good for many years now. 

Mom is what I guess you would call high-functioning.  She has her own small business (Business A) and has had it for years.  A few years back she acquired Business B and has been trying to run both by herself.  She's been telling me for years how hard it is and what a toll it's taking on her, and how she really needs some help, which is of course true.  But she also has always been a workaholic, something that I've always seen as a way of avoiding her life. 

Business B is very attractive to me and it was in real danger of being shut down.  So I decided to quit my job to come here and make it work.  It has real potential to be very successful and I didn't want it to just die.  I had been working in a field for the past 10 years that was fun and that I was passionate about, but it was low-paying and that likely wasn't going to change.  I was fine with it, but had also been thinking on my own that I should look into something with more stability for the future.  So I made the decision to head back to the hometown and see what we could do with this business.

Sure, I knew what I was getting into, but I thought I was strong enough now to handle it.  I thought I could deal with the dysfunction and toxicity and not let it affect me.  I may have made a huge miscalculation.  Ha! 

As the months went on things got worse and then even worse. Mom started being complete irrational with me, yelling at me in front of the employees, having tearful rages and meltdowns... . it was just getting way out of hand.  I was at a loss what to do.  I knew it wasn't me.  Although as a kid I thought I caused it... . but I digress. 

I contacted a therapist because I was starting to get down and I knew I couldn't deal with this on my own.  She thinks that the issue is uBPD.  I had never even heard of the disorder but now it all makes sense.  All the things from the past that never made sense now make sense!

The plan is to get mom in to see the therapist.  Unfortunately I don't have high hopes.  She is the type that can never be wrong about anything and knows everything too.  I don't see her accepting that she has a disorder at all.  She is very clear that I am causing all the problems.  Me and my dad, out to get her.  She does have the victim mentality.

The therapist mentioned in my last solo session (supposed to try to get mom in for the next one) that it is going to be very difficult to work on two issues.  Primarily our wrecked relationship, but secondarily trying to establish a working relationship.  I hadn't thought of it like that before, but I see how true it is. 

All I want is to be able to grow this business without the daily chaos and tension.  I gave up a lot to be here.  But it's looking like that may be an impossibility and I don't know what to do.  There is no other reason for me to be here.  When I came here I guess I underestimated how bad it was going to be, and now knowing that she more than likely has this condition, although it is good to finally know what is going on and that the crazy has a name, it gives me less hope that this is a workable situation for us.

Of course I'm willing to wait and see how it goes trying to get her into therapy, but I am not willing to sacrifice any more of my hard-earned peace of mind if this is just a doomed situation.  I just don't know. 

So, what do you think?  Big mistake-get out now, or workable situation?  I'm feeling 50/50. 

Thanks,

CL

[CL]

Hello all,

First off, I want to thank everybody here.  I've been reading these boards for awhile (watched the videos too) and have learned so much about my BPD mom's "crazy" behavior.  What an incredible resource this site is!

I've gotten myself into a tricky situation with uBPDM and I could really use your advice and opinions.  I've been leery of writing about my experience here because I couldn't help but think "what happens when she learns that I think she has this disorder?  What if she does some online research, finds this site, and recognizes herself in something I have written and figures out that it's me and that I am writing about her?  There will be major hell to pay, I better not risk it. "   Typical right? Anyway, I need the advice more than I need to worry about her finding out so... . here goes.

I grew up in a toxic, dysfunctional, abusive (rarely physical) home.  Dad is an alcoholic and major bully, lots of mental and verbal abuse there.  At the time Mom seemed the better of the two but was always irrational and unpredictable with emotional meltdowns and rages.  You know the drill.  Anyway, I got out early and went LC without even knowing I was going "LC" didn't know there was a name for it I just knew I had to get out, get away, get some distance. 

That's basically how it's been for 20 years.  I haven't lived in the same town, or seen them more than once or twice a year.  I always tried to keep visits short, 3 days would be ok, 5-7 days was way too long and would trigger fights and misery.  I've been in touch, we've had a relationship, but I wouldn't say we are really close.

I've done a lot of work on myself, dealt with a lot of issues that were handed to me by them, am a recovering alcoholic myself (5 years in September) and have been doing and feeling very good for many years now. 

Mom is what I guess you would call high-functioning.  She has her own small business (Business A) and has had it for years.  A few years back she acquired Business B and has been trying to run both by herself.  She's been telling me for years how hard it is and what a toll it's taking on her, and how she really needs some help, which is of course true.  But she also has always been a workaholic, something that I've always seen as a way of avoiding her life. 

Business B is very attractive to me and it was in real danger of being shut down.  So I decided to quit my job to come here and make it work.  It has real potential to be very successful and I didn't want it to just die.  I had been working in a field for the past 10 years that was fun and that I was passionate about, but it was low-paying and that likely wasn't going to change.  I was fine with it, but had also been thinking on my own that I should look into something with more stability for the future.  So I made the decision to head back to the hometown and see what we could do with this business.

Sure, I knew what I was getting into, but I thought I was strong enough now to handle it.  I thought I could deal with the dysfunction and toxicity and not let it affect me.  I may have made a huge miscalculation.  Ha! 

As the months went on things got worse and then even worse. Mom started being complete irrational with me, yelling at me in front of the employees, having tearful rages and meltdowns... . it was just getting way out of hand.  I was at a loss what to do.  I knew it wasn't me.  Although as a kid I thought I caused it... . but I digress. 

I contacted a therapist because I was starting to get down and I knew I couldn't deal with this on my own.  She thinks that the issue is uBPD.  I had never even heard of the disorder but now it all makes sense.  All the things from the past that never made sense now make sense!

The plan is to get mom in to see the therapist.  Unfortunately I don't have high hopes.  She is the type that can never be wrong about anything and knows everything too.  I don't see her accepting that she has a disorder at all.  She is very clear that I am causing all the problems.  Me and my dad, out to get her.  She does have the victim mentality.

The therapist mentioned in my last solo session (supposed to try to get mom in for the next one) that it is going to be very difficult to work on two issues.  Primarily our wrecked relationship, but secondarily trying to establish a working relationship.  I hadn't thought of it like that before, but I see how true it is. 

All I want is to be able to grow this business without the daily chaos and tension.  I gave up a lot to be here.  But it's looking like that may be an impossibility and I don't know what to do.  There is no other reason for me to be here.  When I came here I guess I underestimated how bad it was going to be, and now knowing that she more than likely has this condition, although it is good to finally know what is going on and that the crazy has a name, it gives me less hope that this is a workable situation for us.

Of course I'm willing to wait and see how it goes trying to get her into therapy, but I am not willing to sacrifice any more of my hard-earned peace of mind if this is just a doomed situation.  I just don't know. 

So, what do you think?  Big mistake-get out now, or workable situation?  I'm feeling 50/50. 

Thanks,

CL

[PleaseValidate]

Hi CL, this seems like an extremely frustrating and complicated situation. It seems like something you are motivated to have work so I would suggest you do all you can before throwing in the towel. But try and do it quickly. My first question would to be if your mom actually went to your therapy session?  A very good sign if she did. Have you thought of asking her to participate w you in family or couples therapy? Even if you have to use the guise "because I seem to be causing you so much frustration? "

Sending you positive energy to a tough situation. +++++

[funfunctional]

Oh Boy,

Sounds like you are pretty deep into this business so I think drawing some boundaries may be needed.   Not time to quit.  I think mom should be in the back room after hours going over stuff with you like a real manager would do.   But the emotion has to leave the work floor.

Either she can listen to you and also she has to be able to constuctively give you feedback about the job and things she thinks you could do differently or change or this may not work.    If money is tight it will get more stressful.       

Your mom has to give you the chance to do this and believe in you.   

OK - so all is this going to happen?   

I would Go for the counseling together!  But if you want to make it work talk her into owning half of the problems/issues.   I understand you feel it is more her and it probably is - but if you own half of the issue you have a better chance of working on this.    If she won't see a counselor than meeting in a neutral place and telling her you need to work on things between the two of you.     

Otherwise look for another job.       

So sorry for what you've been thru.     Try to stay positive admidst all the insanity.     Get quiet time to yourself to keep yourself balanced & healthy.   

[CL]

Thanks for the responses, I do have a few new developments. 

First, my therapist mentioned a session back that mom also sounded possibly NPD.  I didn't know much about that either but I've recently been reading up on it and bingo.  Wow.  She has a ton of NPD traits.  She is more than likely some kind of cross-over case which I'm guessing makes things even worse?

The good news is that I talked to her today and she agreed to go see the therapist with me next week!  I presented as - I am having issues and I would like you to come help me figure them out.  She was on to me though.  Immediately said, issues with me right?


She didn't put up a fight and bring the fireworks like I thought she might do, she went the other route.  Started crying and making me feel 10 kinds of guilty for hurting her so much.  She agreed to go right off the bat (I haven't told her but I was pretty sure she figured out I was already going on my own) but then the tearing up started. 

She asked if we could talk about why I've been shutting her out.  Said she didn't understand at all.  I just told her I didn't think it was a good time to talk about it, let's just go to the session. 

It wasn't until I was driving home feeling like I just kicked a kitten that it hit me.  Sure enough, she made it all about her didn't she? 

She also asked if the therapist wanted my dad to go.  She is having a very hard time, I think, with the fact that I have forgiven him for being a total monster to me when I was growing up and can have a somewhat decent relationship with him now.  I think that is another major complication that we have, she thought I was going to come here and be on "her side" in their 24/7 war.  It's sick. 

I am very interested in how it's gonna go down when we go.  I don't have a clue what to expect, and although this therapist is obviously awesome and on top of it, she's the one who has taught me what's going on here after all, I still have this fear that mom is gonna fool her when we get in there.   I've just seen it so many times.