The delusion never ends

[Strangerinthemirror]

OK, I just received an email from my BPDw from whom I'm seeking a divorce. I've been trying to stay NC and haven't seen her in weeks. But I make the mistake of giving one word answers to the occasional email, which is foolish since all it does is tell her I'm reading what she writes. But sometimes the messages are so delusional, so self-unaware that it's hard not to respond. To prevent. Myself from doing that, I'm sharing (most of) a recent email because it is a perfect  illustration of so many things people talk about on this board:

"Please stop this.  I can't bear the thought of any of this.  Please don't make me re-home the dogs. ... . We can try.  What do you lose by trying? ... .   I just wanted us to have peace and I thought you would find peace with therapy.  Have you found some?  Please,  I will do anything to save this family.  You know I would.  Please  This all started over some small thing I said that enraged you.  Please don't wreck my life and their lives.  I'm sure someone has your ear and is telling you this is right but listen to your heart... . you said you loved me, you said you loved the dogs, you married me.  Please can we just try?"

Anyone notice that she is blaming me, and some unnamed person who has my ear, and absolves herself? Note that I'm the one who needs therapy, I'm the one who needs to find peace, and that she is the one who wants to try again. After five years of this relationship, I'm pretty clear I didn't make my decision over "some small thing that enraged" me! I'm equally clear that I have tried -- and there is nothing I could have done differently that have made a difference. Five years of mental, verbal and physical abuse, of failed suicide attempts, of watching her arrested because she got drunk and thrown out of a hotel, of literally thousands of cruel texts and emails, hours of raging, countless demands, manipulations and outright lies -- and it all boils down "to some small thing [she] said that enraged [me]".

As the title of my post says, the delusion never ends.

Thanks for reading. Now I've got this off my chest, I'm no longer tempted to say the same thing to her.

[losinghope97]

Stranger,

In reading your post it occurred to me, that as I read the text of the e-mail that at first blush I didn’t strike me as harsh.  But then as you walked through what you saw, her angles became very clear.

In thinking through this, it occurred to me that so much of our partners do/did to us was specifically designed to press our buttons uniquely.  And in using this technique over an extended period of time, they can take seemingly innocuous statements (especially to those that don’t know BPD) and load them up to be as hurtful and damaging as the raging anger insults we get at other times.

These laced statements often can come across as kind or even genuine, which makes them a powerful tool because they are harder to recognize as destructive.  For me, it was often the kind concerned statements about my need for help from a T, or need to control my temper, that she would use against my conscience to bring me even further down into the fog and paint me as the sick, out of control one.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  Helped me to clarify some struggles on my side.

Stay strong.

LH97

[Karmachameleon]

It's infuriating how they refuse to acknowledge reality and anything they did wrong.  Drives me crazy.  My ex says similar things.  That we broke up because I wouldn't apologize for making a joke that he found offensive.  We actually broke up because he came to my house in a drunken rage and threw my phone through my TV and screamed at me til someone called the cops.  But yeah, I see how he could get those two things mixed up.  Not.  It's enough to make a sane person lose it.

[enlighten me]

These laced statements often can come across as kind or even genuine, which makes them a powerful tool because they are harder to recognize as destructive.  For me, it was often the kind concerned statements about my need for help from a T, or need to control my temper, that she would use against my conscience to bring me even further down into the fog and paint me as the sick, out of control one.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  Helped me to clarify some struggles on my side.

This is where the problem of trying to convince other people of their problem lies. They have not lived through the rage, the put downs, the snide remarks and the constant belittling. When you show them a message that you can see the real meaning off they see it as harmless. They cannot grasp the undercurrent that flows through it. They see what the BPD wants us to see. That we are the ones at fault and the BPD is doing everything to make things right.

[Strangerinthemirror]

Reading your responses caused me to look back at some of texts she sent me in the two or three days before I told her I want a divorce. It's night and day -- before, just plain nasty, words meant to cut and hurt; after, all kind and nice sounding. So before I say we're done, I am an awful, terrible person she loathes and hates, who is a ___ing assh@le, who is incapable of doing anything right, who will inevitably screw things up, who has no friends because he cares only about himself -- all her words with plenty of the invective left out -- but immediately after I am someone she so desperately needs in her life? It's staggering to see the splitting. From black to white, devil to angel, loathsome to the object of incredible love -- I kid you not when I say the only thing separating these two versions of reality is that I hired a lawyer and started a divorce. For me, it's all right there on the page. It makes me feel queasy to go back and look at her texts to remind myself what I'm dealing with, but if that's the price I have to pay to keep strong, I'll do it. After all, I've put up with a whole lot worse in the past five years. But the more I can contrast the before and after, the more clarity I have, the more I can really read between the lines and get a glimpse of her illness. It can't be fun to be in her head. I just need to keep working so she's not in mine.

[woodsposse]

Hi.

The issue here is that we... . collectively... . are focusing on their behavior rather than our wellness. Yes... . their words are twisted and backward somewhat delusional and frustrating.

But why continue to allow what we know is a roller coaster of words and emotions to drive our conversation toward healing?

Id rather focus on you.

Did the breakup happen because of something small?  Said it happen because someone is in your ear (much like all the members here are in your ear)? 

Maybe the straw which broke the comes back was something small.  Maybe you do have a support network trying to illustrate to you how your focus and happiness can be on you... . and we are her for you.

Maybe if you dont see that... . is that being delusional or in denial?  Could it be construed as such by an outsider?

BPD or not... . there are two sides to a story. What is your story?  Where is hour happiness. Where is your stability?

The more we continue to focus on that which we know is chaos... . chaos still circles.

[Lion Fire]

This strikes a chord with me too,

Her official version was that I was a pathological liar, mentally unstable, traumatized by my past and I was running away in fear from the woman who had given me her whole heart and soul. She even told me I was BPD  She also gave me a number of a therapist who would help me work through my issues so that I could return to her "healed and ready to love the woman who loves me with all her heart". This was from someone who was BPDd, had multiple suicide attempts, was sectioned at least once by the state, was on maximum disability benefits and had a trail of disastrous relationships in her wake.

My version is slightly different  ... . control, verbal and emotional abuse, blackmailed me for money by threatening to trash my name in public with accusations of abuse, text terror, insane jealousy, unstable emotions, rage, dishonesty, double standards, manipulation, disrespect and general crushing my spirit progressively. She once said with a cheeky smile " I'll bust your balls every day, but know I love you"...

She buckled me to the point I had to chuck her out of my family's home while we were on holiday and had to involve the police at one point.

Aye, Delusional

[strong9]

Hi.

The issue here is that we... . collectively... . are focusing on their behavior rather than our wellness. Yes... . their words are twisted and backward somewhat delusional and frustrating.

But why continue to allow what we know is a roller coaster of words and emotions to drive our conversation toward healing?

Id rather focus on you.

Did the breakup happen because of something small?  Said it happen because someone is in your ear (much like all the members here are in your ear)? 

Maybe the straw which broke the comes back was something small.  Maybe you do have a support network trying to illustrate to you how your focus and happiness can be on you... . and we are her for you.

Maybe if you dont see that... . is that being delusional or in denial?  Could it be construed as such by an outsider?

BPD or not... . there are two sides to a story. What is your story?  Where is hour happiness. Where is your stability?

The more we continue to focus on that which we know is chaos... . chaos still circles.

Woodsposse, intellectually I know you are right. But for many of us that is easier said than done.  I have been doing well but all it takes is one trigger and my thoughts are based on the impact on her. How have you dealt with this? Seems to me like some underlying lack of worth and Co dependency, that do I get things for myself matter less than the impact things have on her.

[Strangerinthemirror]

Lion Fire -- our stories are remarkably similar, but so are other's stories in so many respects. Reading these stories tells me I'm not alone in what I've gone through. But Worsposse is right, we have to focus on ourselves, our futures, and stop looking backwards. Easier said than done, but ultimately right.

[woodsposse]

Awesome question. Yes it is much easier said than done. And to get triggered down that oath is totally normal.

Not that every day is a bed of roses in my world but when I finally got to a point of detachment and move toward radical acceptance... . it really hit me that the energies I spent on her and the past (and or my perception of the present) are better spent on me and my wellness.

Not to away that I dont still get triggered... . I do... . but I try to recenter myself and remember I control mt path... . not her... . not an illness or disorder.