rollercoaster24
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living apart six months
Posts: 362
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« on: June 30, 2014, 09:38:48 AM » |
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Hi all
I'm having a bad day today, have written and re-written several posts, (but not posted them) and generally feeling very down and depressed.
Trying to get to the bottom of my feelings, only tends to make me worse too.
Biting my nails more lately, not exercising today, not being productive at work today, and taking a sickie from my evening shift, (even though this means I will have to be up even earlier tomorrow morning to make up for that lack tonight).
I don't know why I self sabotage myself like this, smoking too many cigarettes as well today, (when I am already worried that I have emphysema or lung cancer), and generally feeling like I want to escape everything and just have no responsibilities for a time, no people wanting anything from me, even my cat is annoying the hell out of me more so.
Is this the anger stage I am moving into?
God, this morning I was crying (in private) briefly at work, thinking about my exBP again, and the love I had for him, despite how he treated me, (violent, aggressive, etc). I again feel that I will never meet someone that I feel that way about again, that my love life is over forever.
I worry that I am too old now, (46) that life is passing me by, that my life is empty, (except for my work, self employed), and that my life is all about work, and that annoys me. All I do in my leisure time, is watch movies, or read books, go to the gym, or go for walks, or hang out with my families pets, (birds). For a time there, I was hanging out regularly with a good male friend, (who pushed to go for friends with benefits in May) and I am regretting doing this, since I was already liking him 'too much' even as a friend.
What the hell is wrong with me? This friend is so NOT relationship material anyway, he has been single for ten years plus, only been with prostitutes during that time, (his admission) and has a seriously bad daily pot habit. Why the hell do I care that he is seemingly playing a mind game with me?, or grooming me for a future relationship, (but only on his terms and timetable, when HE is damn well ready, and he thinks he can trust me enough.?
What the hell is wrong with me? I aren't even ready for being involved with any male and wont be for some time I imagine, so why have I done this to myself again? Am I that much of a pathetic desperate loser, that I have to jump at any man that seems interested in me, that I find mutually attractive in small ways?
Oh sure, I thought it was all cool, that I would be boosted from the experience, and that it was giving me hope for a better future, but it hasn't. I picked a guy who WANTS to have fun, but can't anyway, because he has difficulties with sustaining/achieving an erection, and it has been a real bummer/mind *&^% being involved with him even on a 'friends with benefits basis'.
Why the hell did he push this issue, when he knew he was having trouble that way? Why is he so into pornography, yet says he cannot sustain or achieve the same erections as he used to? He is only 42, (I am 46).
I rang him today, and told him that the friendship is more important to me, and that I was annoyed with him for saying he would ring, and saying he would come down to see me, and then didn't, didn't even call to say why he wasn't going to catch up.
I said I didn't want promises from him, that I didn't want to be 'dangled' or have him 'dangle' things to me for later, I didn't want to feel jealous, I didn't want to feel insecure, and I really didn't want this to happen. He still said he was thinking of coming down this weekend anyway, and would phone to catch up, or would like to catch up, and I said, well, don't say you will, and don't say you will ring. I don't want to be sitting by the phone waiting for you, if you come down, then call when you arrive, and if it suits me it does, and if not it doesn't.
I said I didn't want to feel like I was pressuring him for anything, but I am also not going to be a doormat, there at his beck and call, waiting for any smidgen of attention he feels like giving me solely on his timetable. I have needs too, and it doesn't appear that it is a two way street.
I said it should just be friends, and nothing else, the friendship is more important to me, he thanked me for saying this, and for calling, but noted that he did not apologise in any way, for not calling last weekend like he promised.
He was the one that came onto me, not the other way around, I had already turned down the opportunity once before, saying I wasn't ready, even though at that time, the prospect of having sex with someone else was very tempting, (given how hurt I was from the BP relationship) I realised that I was still very hurt, and really not feeling good about myself, so I would be more vulnerable to hurt.
This time around, FWB must have got the impression from the way I was talking, that I was over the worst of it, and feeling stronger and harder perhaps? I don't know, but I wish I had said NO again, and stuck to my guns. I was feeling better and misjudged my own feelings perhaps, or maybe it was because he had given me quite a bit to drink, and I had a bit of false confidence or something.
I should have remembered that alcohol spells trouble for me when placed in that situation, guess I just thought that since we had drunk together before and I had resisted, that I would be able to do that again.
Nope, and now I really resent even going there, it has made me feel worse about myself, and I really wasn't in the right place to handle any more rejection at this point in time.
I even felt like telling him to stick his friendship up his *&^% too, and maybe part of that is because at one point that we were hanging out, he confessed something to me, that he had done to his past partner. Because she had allegedly cheated on him, he said that they stayed together and tried to work things out, but that he couldn't get past his distrust and anger towards her, and one time, raped her in anger.
I admitted something to him that I had done in the past, and even though he said he wouldn't be judgemental, and obviously expected that from me towards him, when I admitted what I had done, he was instantly VERY judgemental, and quite angry with what I had told him.
Yet if you compared our two 'mistakes in error', mine was nothing like his at all. Especially in terms of being illegal, and very damaging and dangerous to his partner.
What I had done hurt yes, but not in the same way, not on any level.
This was a huge red flag to me about this guy.
And funnily enough, he said he kind of cheated on her himself, way before she had cheated on him, how's that for double standards?
When he came down and surprised me at work last week, (and expected me to drop whatever I was doing because he had 'arrived down' and I didn't) he seemed miffed, and it was noted. Whilst we shared coffee together, before I set off for the gym, he made some negative comment about women always cheating on their boyfriends with their boyfriends best friends, like it was a fact set in stone. Yet if I express a negative comment about anything, he is always patronising me, and acting like the positive spiritual guru, (that he totally isn't in any shape or form).
I don't tend to make general comments about the sexes if I can help it, as I am trying to stay positive on this, don't want to fall prey to total disillusion.
So, it seems that I may have to reevaluate the whole friendship at some point in the future, because if it continues to be a one sided thing, I wont be able to tolerate that either.
Ho Hum folks, I do prattle on. Sorry.
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