Can I expect any emphathy?

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

So we're talking about this weekend and going kayaking... . my uBPDw (blended family, married 3 years) then talks to her S15 and he says he doesn't want to go, him and his girlfriend would rather go out on the boat.  She immediately tells him we don't have to go kayaking and we'll change our plans.

This is after years of discussions on how her kids rule the house.  This is days after we calmly discussed it, saying at some point the blended family has to become our family regardless of "what they're used to" (i.e. they're never told "no".

I calmly told her I felt disregarded, and that family decisions are mine and hers, taking into account what the kids would like. 

3 hours later we finally go to sleep, only because I quit talking and telling her my feelings aren't up for argument about whether they're "right" or "wrong".

But really?  Can I expect so little empathy/support?  After spending all this effort to validate her emotions can I really expect nothing in return?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[momtara]

Not everyone is exactly alike, so hard to know exactly what to expect, but that is very frustrating and doesn't sound promising after you just discussed this 2-3 days ago.  However, sometimes people with BPD really need things stated factually until they kind of get it.  Maybe if you can restate the facts ("We just had a discussion 3 days ago and my feelings are that I was looking forward to  this trip" without anger or embellishment and remind her, maybe she can put her foot down.  Sounds like she has a long pattern of giving into her kids and needs to practice putting her foot down, which takes time... . BPD folks also don't always have the judgment to realize which situations apply and which don't -- their perceptions seem off -- so she may not realize this was the type of situation you were talking about?  Also, they "forget" conversations they can't emotionally deal with.  Frustrating and not fair for you to deal with.  Over time, I found in my own case, things could improve somewhat, but only with repeated work and counseling and focus on an issue like this.  There are so many issues, it gets tiring to have to deal with them over and over, but that may be what you have to do.

[enlighten me]

My exgf is the same with her kids. They do what they like and get away with murder.

When the exgf does reprimand them she gets guilty and buys them things.

My opinion is that it is all to do with her abandonment issues. Her children will never leave her and she is scared that she will do something to make them want to go.

I am completely ignored by them and when they asked if they could do something and got an answer they didn't like they would go to their mum who would over rule me.

Im afraid to say that I could never see this changing. I was an outsider to there little group.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My opinion is that it is all to do with her abandonment issues. Her children will never leave her and she is scared that she will do something to make them want to go.

In her rare moments of self reflectiveness she'll acknowledge that she doesn't want her kids to "hate her" although that's only in the big discussions... . me wanting to move from the house they grew up in.

It's the double standard that's toughest to deal with... . Her getting 90% things her way and arguing that I want everything my way.  The black/white thing won't let her acknowledge anything that was discussed more than 2 minutes ago.

[enlighten me]

I hate to say it but I don't think you will ever be allowed into that inner circle.

When my exgf blew up at her D9 and had a full on screaming match her D would invariably say she wanted to live with her dad. This would turn the exgf into a quivering wreck.

The kids always played us off of one another and there was never any support from the exgf. She felt she had the right to tell my sons what to do as it was her house (my house but the boys live with their mum) but I didn't have the right to tell her kids off as I was not their dad.

Im sorry to say but if she is like my ex then the kids will always be an issue.