NonBPD feeling cheated

[Ceruleanblue]

My uBPDh has recently been prescribed Abilify by his family doctor. We didn't see it making any difference, so the doctor upped his dose, so I'm hoping that helps. From what I read, this drug is helpful with BPD, so I'm hopeful it will help "some", and thinking his doctor may be thinking "Borderline" although he didn't diagnose him.

I'm working on acceptance, and not making my husband worse. I'm working what I can do from my angle. What I'm getting really upset about though, and of course I can't share this with my husband, is how CHEATED and deceived I feel. My husband knew he was hiding his true self from me. He knew I'd already been through hell in my past with past abusers(my ex), and he played the passive role perfectly. I looked for red flags, but my husband knew just what to hide, and just what he needed to portray.

I'm upset too that it's always HIS needs, and what HE wants that matters. Because he is so difficult, and angry, I feel like I can't have a melt down, or feel bad: WHEN DO I EVER GET TO HAVE A BAD DAY? I feel like I have to stuff down any and all feelings and emotions(he even told me he doesn't care about my feelings, and to keep my damn opinions to myself), because HIS feelings and mood swings, and intimidating attitude, and threats RULE our lives. It's always about HIM, HIM, HIM.

I feel lost in all this. I feel like he provides very well for us financially, but he feels like he has bought me. I feel like I'm his emotional caretaker, because most women would have run, and run fast. He liked that I wasn't a quitter. In lots of ways, he pushes me away, and I'm really lonely. He fills his time with DOING all the time. He is working super long hours, and when he isn't working, he hops on his computer, and ignores me. I feel a marriage is about connection, and we hardly connect at all. He can't seem to get close to me emotionally. Is that a BPD trait? Yet when he wants my company, he expects to whistle, and I should come running and drop everything. It's all about what he wants, when he wants it, but the rest of the time he just wants me to wait around until he needs me.

I'm sick of having to be so careful of everything I say, because he gets set off. I can't share anything with him, or count on him, like I could a nonBPD person. He's let his grown kids treat me horribly, and he is loyal only to them, and HIMSELF of course. It's like he doesn't have HIS OWN identity, his whole identity is being DAD. Being a spouse doesn't matter even half as much. I'm expected to take whatever they dish out, and paste a smile on my face.

I want to stay, but I don't want to stay and be miserable. How do you stay and not get bitter about such a one sided relationship? I miss having a give and take relationship, having someone I can talk to, having my opinion matter even a little, having someone who shows me respect... .

How do you stay and make peace with how things are?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[InSearchofMe]

Ceruleanblue I understand how you feel.  It is a lonely and painful place.

I'm working on acceptance, and not making my husband worse. I'm working what I can do from my angle. What I'm getting really upset about though, and of course I can't share this with my husband, is how CHEATED and deceived I feel. My husband knew he was hiding his true self from me. He knew I'd already been through hell in my past with past abusers(my ex), and he played the passive role perfectly. I looked for red flags, but my husband knew just what to hide, and just what he needed to portray.

In felt this same way.  Or at least I thought I did.  What I have come to realize is I was really angry with myself because I had allowed myself to once again be sucked into a relationship with an extremely dysfunctional person.  More important than him not being the person he presented himself as, I had given up the person I was.

I'm upset too that it's always HIS needs, and what HE wants that matters. Because he is so difficult, and angry, I feel like I can't have a melt down, or feel bad: WHEN DO I EVER GET TO HAVE A BAD DAY? I feel like I have to stuff down any and all feelings and emotions(he even told me he doesn't care about my feelings, and to keep my damn opinions to myself), because HIS feelings and mood swings, and intimidating attitude, and threats RULE our lives. It's always about HIM, HIM, HIM.

For me this was the most lonely place.  This is where I felt we didn't really have a marriage.  I realized that over time I had given up not only trying to talk with him when I was having a bad day or needed support, I had quit talking to anybody about it.  I had a lot of my own shame about staying in such a dysfunctional relationship.  I had to accept that he could not support me emotionally and seek to rebuild my emotional support system.  I wanted more support from him but I had to accept he was not able to give it to me.

So much of the rest of what you talk about is about setting and enforcing boundaries. 

when he wants my company, he expects to whistle, and I should come running and drop everything. It's all about what he wants, when he wants it, but the rest of the time he just wants me to wait around until he needs me.

This may be what he expects but you do not have to continue to fulfill this expectation.  Can you start taking care of yourself and set boundaries instead of always being at his beck and call?  Yes, he will (especially at first) be upset that you will not jump at his every request but it is necessary to find your own sense of self again. 

He's let his grown kids treat me horribly

Again this is about boundaries.  Are you able to start removing yourself from situations/conversations where you are being treated badly?  Continuing to 'sit there and take it' will further erode your sense of self worth.  He may let them treat you horribly but you do have to.

I miss having a give and take relationship, having someone I can talk to, having my opinion matter even a little, having someone who shows me respect... .

For me, I had to show myself some respect first.  By taking care of myself, setting boundaries, and removing myself from the position of being the emotional vomit receptacle.  I have had many days where I felt bitter, angry, hurt, and embarrassed that I have had to deal with any of this but working through these feelings and taking these scary steps has improved my emotional state so much.

Please keep coming around here too.  Knowing there are others who have felt the same, been through the same things and can offer suggestions has been a life saver for me. 

[Ceruleanblue]

It's sad, but it feels good to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I think I am in that lonely place right now. I can't talk to him, or expect any of my emotional needs to be met, heck, I feel as if I hardly see him. He's always working or he gets on his computer and shuts me out. I can't even compete(nor want to anymore) with a stupid computer animated program he likes to play on. I get that he needs "down time", but why does it have to be at the cost of our marriage? Oh, I know, because he has uBPD and he pushes me away, and doesn't want to interact unless it's on HIS terms. It's like he has no sense of moderation, and I'm always last priority.

I have tried setting boundaries with his kids, and it's caused HUGE issues in our marriage, because he gets his sold source of identity FROM his kids. He seems to lack his own core identity, and sees himself as just ":)AD". When I tried setting boundaries, I was told by him to "suck it up, and kiss my kids' ass"... . literally, he said that. One of them went crazy on me while we were having them over for dinner, and there was no reason for it, and it was totally out of the blue. Now, doesn't that sound very BPD? I'm convinced there is a genetic link, and this girl used to be a cutter too. I refuse to ever be screamed at in my house again, or have to leave my house to get away from it(which is what happened). Of course my husband now wants me to "attend a therapy session" with this daughter, so she can have another crack at me. It's the only way she'll be around me. She has twisted the entire incident, even my husband says that(I guess they can see the dysregulation in others... . ), and so I'm dealing with this on many levels. It's not even just HIM, it's his personality disordered kids too, and there are four of them(only one of whom is nice to me). And they all rate higher than me. Yet I'm the one taking this crap from my husband, they pile on, and they don't get treated this way from their Dad.

How do I set boundaries with his kids when that sets him off so badly? For now, they "won't allow" me around, so I have some peace, but my husband is not okay with that(as he shouldn't be), and he is trying to "fix" all this. He doesn't see that they have issues that HE can't fix. THEY need to work on themselves and stop punishing people they "think" have wronged them. It's all imaginary, but it works for them. It's the cycle: "I'm mad, chase me".

And I think I do need to build an outside network so I have someone other than just my Mom to talk to. She has witnessed some of my husband's behaviors, so she understands, but I need more than just her. Plus, I have started therapy which I'm thinking will really help me get some tools to deal with all this, and to shift my focus back onto ME a little.

I can only give and do so much.

[mace17]

I can only give and do so much.

I totally understand feeling this way!  And then when I do feel like this I feel guilty for it.  I had sort of a meltdown last night, it was a long day and evening and I was gone from home from 6:30 am til 8:30 pm, working and taking our S to activities, and all I wanted when I got home was a half hour or so to sit down and read a book and unwind.  But then I had to make supper, get S to take a shower, walk the dog, and my mom called and wouldn't stop talking.  Sometimes I feel like I do everything and take care of everything and I just get so frustrated! Then I found out I was overdrawn in my bank account again and I just wanted to scream.  I'm not good at boundaries and I need to learn how to set them better.

[Ceruleanblue]

Mace17: I guess I'm lucky in that I don't feel guilty for feeling this way. I mostly feel like any other woman would have left. I can honestly say that they only "good" part of my marriage is that my husband works hard, and I'm able to stay home. I honestly don't know if I even could work right now though, my emotions are so all over the place due to dealing with all this. I went through a phase where I was suicidal(I sought help), then I was depressed, now I'm not as depressed as I was, and I'm more working on acceptance. THIS is what my life is going to be like, unless my husband actually accepts that he needs real help, and he is so on the look out to feel victimized or CONTROLLED(which is hilarious because HE is the controlling one), that I can't really gently encourage him to get the major help I know he needs. I was lucky he did ask his doctor, and is now on medication. I know he could benefit from DBT, or at least it would be a chance of him being some better, but he'd rather blame me for all of his anger, rage and pretty much everything.

In a "normal" marriage, partners help each other, and think well of each other mostly, and are willing to give the benefit of the doubt. With a cluster B personality disordered spouse, you lose so much of that. I too am trying to set boundaries, but my husband resents any boundaries, and always thinks I'm doing it to "punish". It's like he doesn't want me having any of my own personhood left, he just wants me to be all about HIM, and what he wants all the time. It's so exhausting. I feel like I have to hide from him to get any peace, or when I feel I actually want to try to spend time with him, he makes me feel like I'm asking too much of him. It's all on his terms.

[maxsterling]

I can completely relate.  I feel cheated all the time.  She isn't the person she presented herself to me.  She said she was depressed sometimes.  I could relate to that, and thought I found someone who could relate to me.  I had no idea that "depression" to her meant complete despair for her entire adult life.  The worst part is she puts her troubles upon me - she has no job, probably incapable of holding one down, yet choses to complain about how *I* don't earn enough. 

I'm probably better at giving advice than following my own advice, but here is the way I see it:

First, accept the reality of what is.  He has a mental illness (probably BPD).  There is no miracle drug, and no miracle cure.  There will always be limitations.  Accept that however it happened, you are in a relationship with him, and it is what it is.  Try to not fret over whether you missed red flags or should have left by now.  That's all the past, and nothing you can do about it. 

Second, direct the focus back on you. You can't fix him.  Start working on the things that YOU can do for your own sanity or happiness.  Hobbies, time to yourself, exercise, etc.

Third, Try to not worry about the relationship or about not getting your needs met by him.  Find a way to meet your own needs.  I have friends and family to turn to for emotional support when I have a bad day. So much I don't share with her for fear she will either invalidate me or will somehow make it about her.  Is this a healthy relationship?  By almost all standards, no.  But it's not possible to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.  You have to do what you have to do.

My point is, that if you can figure out a way to take care of yourself and love yourself, his erratic and hurtful behavior won't bother you as much.  Once you get that space (both externally and internal head space) you can then more objectively decide whether to keep pushing or go a different way.  Getting that space means using the tools here, and I am glad to hear you are working on stopping the bleeding. 

[ColdEthyl]

Hello! Yes I too feel this same way... . most of the time I can handle it, I picked up my copy of Eggshells from time to time to re-read and remember parts that I need to tell myself. But there are times where I feel completely used up, that I am dumping everything I have into a black hole, and it's all for naught.

I also was hoodwinked at the beginning of our relationship. They are very very good at setting a stage and providing a positive light for themselves, the thing to remember is they don't do it out of any sort of malice.

I agree with maxsterling. To be in a relationship with someone with BPD, you have to be able to meet your own needs. You cannot count on them to provide it.

[Ceruleanblue]

I totally, totally get that I'm going to have to meet my own emotional needs in this relationship. I've resigned myself to that. I guess I just have moments of wondering if this is what I want to do forever. If I want to give up the chance of either being alone and being happy, or finding someone who can return some of the emotional stuff. My husband thinks because he buys me things, and provides a nice home, that that is enough. He throws that in my face, almost like he has bought me. I hate that. I hate being told I'm mean all the time, when really, it is HIM that is verbally abusive, controlling, and sometimes aggressive.

I'm in a much better place than I was before, but I'm not sure I want to sacrifice so much, to get so little back. I want my needs to be met IN the marriage, and I'm not sure I can ever get over feeling that need. I'm trying to not resent him, because I know this is likely a disorder, but it's hard to think he can't control it at all. I personally think he CAN control it better than he does. He just doesn't want to, he has no personal accountability. I work my issues, while he gets a free pass, it feels like.

It is like a bottomless pit, like the above poster mentioned. I can never fill his void, and any and all effort to meet his needs, be the bigger person with his mean kids, all go unnoticed. I feel like a bug being scorched by a mean kid with a magnifying glass in the sun!

As of yet, nothing I've really tried, other than total avoidance of his works. Even then, he usually seeks me out, acts fake nice, then blows up on me for some imagined slight. He NEEDS to unload on me, so HE feels better. It's sick, and I'm tired. So tired of it.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and one more thing. I do try to not spend too much time thinking back, but occasionally I do. I feel he did deceive me about who and what he was for the first year. I think he knew he was being fake. He hid things from me. I know why he did it, because I'd have run, but it was still deliberate. Lots of them are able to control it UNTIL they have you, then they unleash it on you. To me, that makes it deliberate. Intentional. It's like they know no one that is healthy would want to be around their awful behaviors, so they know enough to hide them. They don't want someone as unhealthy as themselves! You fall in love with this fake persona, that really is just a mask.

I never really get to see the "nice" version of my husband anymore. I probably never will, unless he gets help. Now, I'm just baffled that he managed to hold it together for so long when we were dating.

[maxsterling]

Cerulean - I see what you are saying about "controlling it".  I've seen my GF put on a happy face, be someone who she isn't, switch it on and off - but that's temporary.  I think there is only so long she can keep it going.  It's impossible to control it indefinitely.  It's like fixing a canoe with duct tape.  It may work for awhile, but sooner or later it will fail.  She's always worried about people finding out she has issues, PARANOID about people gossiping about her.  She has scars on her arms from being a cutter.  She's paranoid about people looking at them.  So, she's learned to be something she is not.  And when people find out who she really is, she is FURIOUS.  So in other words, she's paranoid about people seeing beyond her false wall, but when they are curious, it's their fault for being intrusive.  The trouble is, she has SOO much baggage and has had people in her past give up on her because of that baggage (and it was probably fair of those people to do so to protect themselves).  If she is to have any kind of social relationships in life she has to keep it all hidden because the real truth is most people would approach her with extreme caution if she was completely open. 

[ColdEthyl]

I'll be honest... it's not for everyone. God... . how I've been tired. Pissed off that the ONE person that's supposed to love and care for me, can't even HEAR me.

I'm running about a 20-10 right now... . meaning I'll get 20 good days a month, and about 10 not good days. That bar shifts with the time of the year it is (Winter is horrible) and dependent on if any 'issues' are going on in our lives, albeit false or true issues.

I think to deal with this, I've sort of made it a challenge for myself. Can I weather the storm without it hurting me? Can I validate his feelings? Can I defuse the bomb before it blows my hands off?

Of course, the question for you is this something you can live with forever? I think that's a valid question to ask yourself. The problem with BPD people is not being able to admit fault, because leads them to think if they have any fault at all, the people they love will leave, will find out they are a horrible monster they themselves think they are.

It IS hard to understand that he doesn't do it on purpose, especially since they can't even admit they do a thing wrong. Have you tried reading any of the books the website suggests? Before making any rash decisions, I always recommend research and therapy if you feel you need it.

I often times feel like he gets a free pass, also. He gets to rant and rave like a lunatic at the slightest of things, while I'm not allowed to talk about work at home (it makes him feel bad, he says. I'm important at work, and he's nothing. He's useless) the thing is... . they are THAT self centered. They are. It's a defense mechanism... . they are constantly "on the clock", paranoid. What I try to remind myself of is... how horrible it must be to be that paranoid all the time. It must really suck to be that scared of what people think of you, to be THAT terrified. All the time.

Everyone might not agree with me, but for me my husband (when not BPDing on me :P) is my best friend. He is funny, he is witty, he knows something about EVERYTHING (I love that) and when he's in that mood, the most romantic person in the world. Doing research has helped me to understand, and helped me with learning how to handle the situation. For me, he is worth it.

I totally, totally get that I'm going to have to meet my own emotional needs in this relationship. I've resigned myself to that. I guess I just have moments of wondering if this is what I want to do forever. If I want to give up the chance of either being alone and being happy, or finding someone who can return some of the emotional stuff. My husband thinks because he buys me things, and provides a nice home, that that is enough. He throws that in my face, almost like he has bought me. I hate that. I hate being told I'm mean all the time, when really, it is HIM that is verbally abusive, controlling, and sometimes aggressive.

I'm in a much better place than I was before, but I'm not sure I want to sacrifice so much, to get so little back. I want my needs to be met IN the marriage, and I'm not sure I can ever get over feeling that need. I'm trying to not resent him, because I know this is likely a disorder, but it's hard to think he can't control it at all. I personally think he CAN control it better than he does. He just doesn't want to, he has no personal accountability. I work my issues, while he gets a free pass, it feels like.

It is like a bottomless pit, like the above poster mentioned. I can never fill his void, and any and all effort to meet his needs, be the bigger person with his mean kids, all go unnoticed. I feel like a bug being scorched by a mean kid with a magnifying glass in the sun!

As of yet, nothing I've really tried, other than total avoidance of his works. Even then, he usually seeks me out, acts fake nice, then blows up on me for some imagined slight. He NEEDS to unload on me, so HE feels better. It's sick, and I'm tired. So tired of it.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I'm doing a ton of reading here and online, watching videos, and also reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I know there is probably a lot of it uBPDh can't control, I just think there is some he can, and just chooses not to. I think some with BPD actually want to work on things and to make their lives better, but I feel my husband just wants to wallow in denial, blame and trying to mold me to deal better with HIS outbursts. Which I'd been trying to do for nearly three years now. I'm willing to do a ton of work, and I'm learning to validate him, and learning to walk away when he is dysregulated.

I know he has to want to get better, or he won't. I can't want it enough for HIM. I want us to be healthy in our relationship, but I'm only half of this equation.

Part of living with someone who has BPD seems to be getting used to having unmet needs yourself, giving your all to someone who can't return the emotions, and being on constant guard because at any moment they might blow up. For me, the biggest issue it the daily blow ups from him. The verbal abuse, and the irrational thinking. I'm getting better at dealing with it all, but this is never something I'd have chosen to do if I'd known before we got married.

[Mrs. Hyde]

Wowwww... . can I relate to everything that has been posted on this thread.

First... . I feel totally bamboozled... . Promises were made and kept initially which made me feel like it was the real deal.  It is amazing when I went from being idealized to devalued how quickly he rejected me.  I would confront him about the promises he made and he would just say "things change" or he would use some perceived slight as the reason that I am getting punished.  He would be cold... . Frozen... . not even resembling the man that wooed me.

Like insearchofme said ... . I am more pissed at myself for once again getting swept up and lost in a dysfunctional relationship... . with a toxic person.  My current H is more toxic than the first.  The first was likely NPD.  I am getting sick of chanting the serenity prayer.

I have to admit that financial security played a part in me turning a blind eye to the red flags that did surface.  Ironically, now it seems that years of mismanagement in business mostly being reckless and careless about everything... . just plowing ahead in the pursuit of making money without considering consequences of bad decisions or blatant lying is coming crashing down on him and it seems he is in a pickle that he may not be able to find his way out of.  The financial security may very well be a thing of the past.  This current crisis is 1 and a half weeks before our son is due to be born and we are midway through building a house.  I feel scared

He is the father of a 21 yo and he definitely treats her differently then he treats me.  She is always in the idealization light and I am in the devalued light.  It is interesting because when she came in town I experienced a short period of being semi idealized again.  It was like he started treating me different again when she was here.  I actually was nervous for her to leave because I feared he would go back to devaluing me and he did.  Of course when she was here all they did was hang out together... . constantly... we had zero time together.  She can do no wrong... . EVER... . She has flunked out of every class in college that she took and was fired from every job for not showing up and he still says things like... . think of what you learned from those experiences... . I am soo proud of you.

He convinced me to try for another child despite being almost done raising the 2 that I have.  He painted the prettiest picture of us playing on the beach and me being able to enjoy the life of a stay at home mom with plenty of money to enjoy all of life's opportunities.  My 2 older children would be cared for and I could do whatever I wanted.  Well I did get pregnant and those beautiful, romanticized stories are nothing more than good fiction.  Bringing a new child into this dysfunctional relationship in light of what we are facing reads more like a horror story.  I will be jumping back onto the gerbil wheel for another round of "the grind" in my 40's.  Plus I have to try to manage parenting with a person that says he wants a divorce because I told him he couldn't take the baby to work with him everyday.

What is really sad is that like someone else pointed out... . when things are good they are amazing.  I do still love him and I do have empathy for him even though his circumstances are all because of reckless and mismanaged decisions he has made.  I am in the process of grieving the man I fell in love with and I don't want to give up just yet.  Am I being foolish... . I don't know.  It is interesting to note that he doesn't even look the same as when we were first together.  I look at pics and he is a completely different man.  You can see it in his eyes.  Will that original man ever come back or are we now at a place of no return?  He will never ever consider meds and is delusional about his mental health.  He believes he is an enlightened competent man... . I assure you he is not.

I am hoping to find ways to improve the state of my relationship so that I don't have to leave.  I want it to work but it seems like just when I think it can't get any worse... . it does.  I hope the resources on this board help me to control my part in the dance.  At the end of the day that is the ONLY thing I have control over.  I am grateful that this community exists and that at least I am not alone!

[Ceruleanblue]

Mrs. Hyde:

The things I could tell you! Like you, my husband treats his grown kids, much better then he treats me. Only his son has been decent, the three girls have been a nightmare, and he defends them, no matter how they treat me/us. They are almost certainly some form of personality disordered too. My husband has strong narcissistic traits along with being uBPD.

I'm blamed for things to do with his kids continually. I literally will do something nice for them, and get kicked in the teeth. I've learned to stop trying to do anything nice, because it just backfires. Now, they just make things up out of thin air. I guess they figure if I didn't do something real, they can't just "invent" some imagined hurt.

This man I'm married to now, is not the same man I dated. In fact, he is the polar opposite to the man I agreed to marry. Just like you, everything I thought we'd agreed to and discussed prior to marriage has now "changed", according to my husbands wants/desires. He basically agreed, I think knowing he didn't mean any of it. Of course he pleads that he "doesn't remember" discussing these things, but that is common for him use denial as an excuse. How convenient.

The total lack of empathy is so hard to take, as in the lack of being able to be logical at all with him. The daily blow ups are awful, but they no longer break my spirit the way they used to. Like you, I want my marriage to work, and I'm learning ways to better deal with BPD, ways to accommodate it better than I had been. A huge issue for me though is, how tangled up our lives are with his angry, dysfunctional kids. It's almost easier to set boundaries with my husband, than to set any with his kids, because that really sets him off. And lately I'm having to deal with my husband's family seemingly accepting his ex back into the family, even though she physically abused my husband, and cheated on him. It's a total slap in the face. My husband has a scar on his face from her, and if I have to see her at some family function, I swear I'm going to remind everyone there just how his scar got there. I've put up with enough from my uBPDh and his kids, to now have the rest of his family "forget" what his ex did to him.

My husband has issues with confronting his family or his kids, he saves all the ugliness and anger for ME. It feels like his family is toxic, and I really just don't want to have to even go there any more. I'm struggling here at home, I sure don't need more drama, and having to deal with his kids is always, always drama.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm sorry to hear this, ladies  Time and time again, I hear this from folks living with a BPD partner. If my husband was not self aware, and actively working on it... . I'd be gone. I got mine to come clean with time, and bringing it up when he was in an even mood. He admitted depression to me when we were dating, but after a year, he behavior got way more erratic, and I started to wonder if I was the one who was crazy. I started doing research, and when I was convinced he was BPD (It's amazing to me how so many characteristics are the same with BPD sufferers) I brought it up again, and he was honest and said he was. If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't be doing this.

I don't know the answer on how to get your men to be self-aware... . that why I suggested the books because they do have tips in there but... . you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make them drink  

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, I am reading the Walking on Eggshells book, and there is a list of ways NonBPD sometimes feel when living with a BPD partner, and I've had almost every symptom on the list. Including feeling suicidal(I'm better now). I do things I've never done before. Tonight, he was so mean and BLAMING, that I actually got out a knife and threatened to cut myself(and no, I've never been a cutter) so he could see me bleed, if that would make him realize that I AM SORRY. Nothing I say is ever enough to make him believe how hard I'm trying, and all he does is blame everything on me. Nothing is his fault, or his adult kids fault. It's all always what I've done wrong.

Tonight he even told me that Sunday I "didn't OBEY him". He'd told me he'd deal with the issue with his daughter, but when he did she disrespected him and talked over top of him, and I said one statement. He now says I should not have said anything. That I disobeyed him? Before we met his daughter for dinner, my husband blew up on me, so I'd asked him to leave me at the mall, because I knew sure as anything he'd find a reason to blame me and be mad at me for something. Three days later, he tells me I screwed up. Right after it happened he said he was not mad at me(see how I always have to be afraid?), but he was just upset at how his grown daughter acted and how she barged out of the restaurant. But now, of course, he is blaming ME. It's become MY fault, even though I was trying to back him up. I'm always blamed for everything.

I seriously wanted to hurt him when he said I didn't obey him. Who does he think he is? For weeks I was doing good walking away from his craziness, but tonight I had just had enough. We'd agreed not to talk about his kids. but HE brought them up. He never plays by any agreed to rules.

I would love it if my uBPDh would admit or see he has BPD. That would be like a dream come true. He expects ME to keep changing, keep trying harder, and it is KILLIIIIIING ME.

I don't know how to "try harder" or "do more". I don't know how to have no feelings or no opinions, like he says he wants. He says I nag and that I always complain. I really don't, but I think he sees it that way. He sees everything about me as negative. Sure, I've complained some about all this crap with his kids, or about his rage/anger issues, but who wouldn't? It's abuse. I also make sure though to always tell him his good traits, I build him up, but it has zero effect. I get no credit for any good I do, and I'm always trying to do noticeable good, so that he'll notice, or say something nice to me, but he never does. I go out of my way, even with his kids, in hopes that he'll notice, but he still just finds fault.

He threatens to leave me, but it is ME putting up with his BPD, and narcissistic traits. I'm dying trying, and he is blaming me and hating me. He uses my fear of him leaving to back me down further, and I'm ashamed to admit that I beg him to stay and work on us, and tell him I'll try yet harder. I think he enjoys humiliating me, and my Mom has witnessed some of this, and she says he is controlling and enjoys me begging him. She is nice to him, but I know she thinks he is awful. She thinks he is a Wuss for not standing up to his kids, while at the same time treating me so badly.

I'm scared, tired and once again, knocked sideways, by his latest threats of divorce and hatred.

[MaybeSo]

Tonight, he was so mean and BLAMING, that I actually got out a knife and threatened to cut myself(and no, I've never been a cutter) so he could see me bleed, if that would make him realize that I AM SORRY.

Blame sucks, especially if we hook into it.  It would be a really good idea for both of you to take a break from each other before things get to this level.  All intimate relationships can be really hard but these ones can be especially volatile... . that's why taking time outs and practicing our own-self care and learning to self-sooth is soo important.   If one or both of you are upset... . nothing... . NOTHING will come of continuing to talk or hash things through. Take a break, walk away, call your therapist... . don't continue with this kind of escalated discussion together.  It's bad for both of you.

From reading your posts... . it's clear that both of you are clearly very  upset with EACHOTHER... . for your own reasons.  

We of course see them as the nutty ones, out of control, horrible... . out of touch... . difficult, unreasonable... . but we can't just stay in the place and expect things to change for the better.  We do have our part... . no matter how much 'better' we think we are than them.

Guess what?  They perceive us the same way (as hurtful, difficult, punishing, abusive etc.)... . especially when we get so upset that we are throwing things, threatening to cut ourselves etc.   Whose wrong?  Whose right?   Both of you need to take a break!  Since he may not take the break... . you will need to be able to stay in wise mind and take a break.  This has to get ratcheted way, way way, down... . for your safety... . for both of you, right?

You are BOTH hurting and when it gets really bad, neither person is being very 'rational' or practicing self-care or de-escalation skills when it gets this bad, right?... . both of you are taking the position that the other is awful... . and arguing about it, or JADING, and getting super triggered... . and getting more and more escalated... . and neither one of you are able to help each other. You are both triggering each other worse and worse.   That's why stepping away is so important until things calm down.

There is always time to figure things out later... . step away.  Make your safety and your own self-care, including self-soothing, your number one priority.  

The dynamic you two have is classic pursuer - distancer.  These two styles can drive each other nuts. We can point a finger at him all day and 2x on Sunday because of his bad behavior... . but you don't have any control over him.  Only yourself.  You have to make your own self-care your #1 priority.  

Also... . you do not have to stay in an abusive relationship. It's not required.    This is not a prison sentence, there is total ownership of choice here.   You get to choose.  This is your life, you get to choose.  Some choices are excruciatingly hard to make, granted,  but they are choices nonetheless.  You get to choose.  Getting in touch with choice gets you in touch with your own personal power and self-efficacy. Please stay safe.  

[BadKitty]

The worst feeling for me is not being able to express ANYTHING. I am dealing with this tonight. Because I don't feel well "there is ALWAYS something wrong with me." We damn near got into an argument over it. Luckily, he left to go drink with his dad.

I don't think they have the ability to empathize. He has even admitted to not being empathetic.

[Samuel S.]

Maybe, that's the point. It's hard for them to be empathetic, because it is too hard to relate to others that are close. Perhaps, it's just too frightening for them to actually get close. Thus, they only feel that the world revolves around them and nobody else really matters. Whatever their reasoning may consist of, we nonBPDs have to deal with the brunt end of it, which is totally unfair to us.

[Ceruleanblue]

I had done so good lately being the one to distance or walk away when uBPDh dysregulates, but when he starts with the divorce threats, I get scared. I try to talk him out of it, and it escalates. He likes be to beg him, and he enjoys scaring me.

I guess I just have to come to terms that even with his uBPD, I am more willing to work on me and us, than he is. I want the marriage to work, more than he does. I care about his feelings more than he does mine. I say this based on actions. I continually put myself in bad situations, for the sake of our marriage, and his feelings. He should protect me, but he won't.

And now he thinks he wants a divorce because he doesn't think I can meet his needs. How sad is that? I've been trying, and he says I fail. He doesn't seem to care that my needs go unmet.

[ColdEthyl]

I had done so good lately being the one to distance or walk away when uBPDh dysregulates, but when he starts with the divorce threats, I get scared. I try to talk him out of it, and it escalates. He likes be to beg him, and he enjoys scaring me.

I guess I just have to come to terms that even with his uBPD, I am more willing to work on me and us, than he is. I want the marriage to work, more than he does. I care about his feelings more than he does mine. I say this based on actions. I continually put myself in bad situations, for the sake of our marriage, and his feelings. He should protect me, but he won't.

And now he thinks he wants a divorce because he doesn't think I can meet his needs. How sad is that? I've been trying, and he says I fail. He doesn't seem to care that my needs go unmet.

Yep... .all too familiar. I'm sorry, sweetie but I think the previous poster is right. It sounds like a good break may be in order, give you both some room to figure out what you want. It really super sucks when you try so hard... .only to get nowhere. I've had mine tell me I try too hard... .yet I still feel like a failure often... .like I can't do anything right.