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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Please remind me that patterns repeat  (Read 6717 times)
apollotech
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« Reply #30 on: August 03, 2015, 10:46:36 PM »

Hi Lostone,

I don't know what your financial situation is or what medical services are offered in your area, but it might benefit you to seek the help of a therapist to work through some of your thoughts/feelings on this matter. Are you seening a T, or is that a possibility?
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #31 on: August 03, 2015, 10:58:47 PM »

Hi Lostone,

I don't know what your financial situation is or what medical services are offered in your area, but it might benefit you to seek the help of a therapist to work through some of your thoughts/feelings on this matter. Are you seening a T, or is that a possibility?

seeing a T but its not helping i still feel responsible for triggering the abuse for not being like my replacement
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apollotech
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« Reply #32 on: August 03, 2015, 11:51:18 PM »

Hi Lostone,

I don't know what your financial situation is or what medical services are offered in your area, but it might benefit you to seek the help of a therapist to work through some of your thoughts/feelings on this matter. Are you seening a T, or is that a possibility?

seeing a T but its not helping i still feel responsible for triggering the abuse for not being like my replacement

Again, I don't know your situation, but if you're not getting results with this T, have you considered moving to a different T? How long have you been with this T? Is he/she qualified to address your issues?
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #33 on: August 04, 2015, 12:16:12 AM »

Hi Lostone,

I don't know what your financial situation is or what medical services are offered in your area, but it might benefit you to seek the help of a therapist to work through some of your thoughts/feelings on this matter. Are you seening a T, or is that a possibility?

seeing a T but its not helping i still feel responsible for triggering the abuse for not being like my replacement

Again, I don't know your situation, but if you're not getting results with this T, have you considered moving to a different T? How long have you been with this T? Is he/she qualified to address your issues?

She is a freebie cause i can not afford a paid one i have no health cover... ive only been twice bout 3 hours all up and all she said was that by my description my ex is either a BPD/npd hybrid  or sociopath and that i have PTSD as a result of the abuse.

she has given me no tools to address the ruminating or self blame

ive read every article on PD during last 16 months since breakup and although my ex fits into alot of the descriptions and other NONS descriptions i still believe i was to clean and tidy,not entertaining enough,not wealthy enough,not dirty enough in bed,didnt drink enough basically not enough of what my replacement is... she wanted a drinking partner that tolerated her drunkeness,her and her childrens uncleanliness a man to idolize her without having anything to offer in return except for sex the only thing she excelled in but in the end she even took the sex away from me so i was left with nothing the relationship quickly disintergrated from their.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #34 on: August 04, 2015, 08:00:51 AM »

Lostone we have all had these feelings of selfworth.

what you need to understand is its not about physical or financial need. Its about getting their fix.  They need to feel that they are the most special person on the planet. They want to be worshipped. When a pwBPD meets someone all they see is the potential in that person. Once the cracks show they feel conned. It doesnt matter how chilled or controlling the replacement is eventually they will start to resent them. They may not leave them but they will not be truely happy as they are seeking someone that doesnt exist.
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #35 on: August 04, 2015, 06:04:53 PM »

Lostone we have all had these feelings of selfworth.

what you need to understand is its not about physical or financial need. Its about getting their fix.  They need to feel that they are the most special person on the planet. They want to be worshipped. When a pwBPD meets someone all they see is the potential in that person. Once the cracks show they feel conned. It doesnt matter how chilled or controlling the replacement is eventually they will start to resent them. They may not leave them but they will not be truely happy as they are seeking someone that doesnt exist.

If it were not physical nor financial why would she say

"your not worth the financial convienience"

"your going to grow to be a short fat old man'   now in r/s with a much taller fatter older man ? worse he was a man i knew and trusted around my girl...




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« Reply #36 on: August 04, 2015, 06:19:00 PM »

While I put strong boundaries, did not attempted to fix her and the RS in any professional ways and thereby ended my RS, I still think that my exBPD girlfriend will find this special person witch is able to fix everything and they live happily ever after. How much reality I shall put into my thinking model I am unsure. I can say with a high probability she will not understand that she got any imperfections, always looking for a RS she can escape into, if he makes an impact he got to be some super psychologist.
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rotiroti
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« Reply #37 on: August 04, 2015, 06:28:20 PM »

Lostone we have all had these feelings of selfworth.

what you need to understand is its not about physical or financial need. Its about getting their fix.  They need to feel that they are the most special person on the planet. They want to be worshipped. When a pwBPD meets someone all they see is the potential in that person. Once the cracks show they feel conned. It doesnt matter how chilled or controlling the replacement is eventually they will start to resent them. They may not leave them but they will not be truely happy as they are seeking someone that doesnt exist.

If it were not physical nor financial why would she say

"your not worth the financial convienience"

"your going to grow to be a short fat old man'   now in r/s with a much taller fatter older man ? worse he was a man i knew and trusted around my girl...


pwBPD can be very intuitive and know what to say to really push your buttons.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #38 on: August 05, 2015, 01:10:48 AM »

I agree with rotiroti that they know exactly what hurts us. Wgen did she say these things? Could it be towards the end when she had replacement lined up? If so there could be more to her words than just hurting you.
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« Reply #39 on: August 05, 2015, 01:22:50 AM »

I feel well equiped to get in on this topic. My BF likes to think his previous relationships were better and that its just me that's causing trouble in the relationship but I know better. His first long term gf is so clingy and can't leave him alone even after all these years and I can see he must have done a real number on her. In addition to that he cheated on me multiple times with both her and another ex gf. When I confronted her she gave me a very patronising unsympathetic response that "it was the way he's always been and I should accept it" I remember being dumbfounded and shocked not from the cheating but from the fact that both these women escaped the toxic relationship but still willingly and deviously went back there! Even before the relationships I can see the patterns in his childhood with behavioural issues at school. I don't think the pattern ever stops it just shows itself at different stages
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #40 on: August 05, 2015, 01:42:17 AM »

I agree with rotiroti that they know exactly what hurts us. Wgen did she say these things? Could it be towards the end when she had replacement lined up? If so there could be more to her words than just hurting you.

mostly while drunk during our final 2 years and more pronounced towards end when yes she had lined up the 4 ... particularly after id caught her sexting pics and bdrm secrets to an ex 3mnths before break... i went nuts but forgave her cause she was drunk again... tried to discuss why the sext but she shut me down sayin it was a drunk mistake and that she loved me and wouldnt do it again... what i didnt know was she was also physically cheating with another... so she was trying to recycle and find a new supply at same time.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #41 on: August 05, 2015, 06:55:24 AM »

"Please remind me patterns repeat"

I recall posting something very similar 4 years back.

In hindsight now that statement translates to "was it my fault?"

So the questions I pose:

In what way do you think the failing of this relationship was solely you're fault?

What could you have done differently?

What do you miss about this relationship? What don't you miss?

What are 3 things that occurred in this relationship that really rocked you?

Can you be held responsible for someone else's actions?
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apollotech
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« Reply #42 on: August 05, 2015, 01:41:09 PM »

I agree with rotiroti that they know exactly what hurts us. Wgen did she say these things? Could it be towards the end when she had replacement lined up? If so there could be more to her words than just hurting you.

mostly while drunk during our final 2 years and more pronounced towards end when yes she had lined up the 4 ... particularly after id caught her sexting pics and bdrm secrets to an ex 3mnths before break... i went nuts but forgave her cause she was drunk again... tried to discuss why the sext but she shut me down sayin it was a drunk mistake and that she loved me and wouldnt do it again... what i didnt know was she was also physically cheating with another... so she was trying to recycle and find a new supply at same time.

Lostone,

You seem to not be able to recognize your self-worth unless it is derived from another. I don't agree with your premise, but let's try to work with it. She is producing nothing but negative self-worth for you. So, let's get the focus off of her and onto someone else.

This is my suggestion to accomplish that: do volunteer work. Go to the local church, school, hospital, shelter, whatever, and volunteer. Go help someone that "needs" your help and will "appreciate" you for it. Don't think about it; don't make a big plan; go do it. Brother when you see that you have actually helped someone that was in need of help, that you, your actions, have made a difference in someone else's life, I think you'll begin to see your "own" worth as a person.

Very few of us ever get to see the "frits of our labor." Most of us only get to see the "monies of our labor" or the "material gains of our labor." Money and materiel items don't connect us to life. Go get involved in someone's life that needs you.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #43 on: August 05, 2015, 01:55:50 PM »

Ive done a lot in my life. Ive been all over the world, ive flown a plane, scuba dived, had decent paying jobs. Im apparently not bad looking yet I still seek othrrs approval and take to heart anything negative.

Recently I realised I no longer care what my exs think of me. I realise that I have done and achieved more on my own than they ever have or will. Im kind hearted and well liked by my friends and family. I am now a happy single dad who isnt interested in putting myself out there as i no longer believe i need someone to complete me as im already complete.

Have a look at who you are. Im sure theres a lot more to you than the negativity your ex threw at you. Lets face it is anything a pwBPD says worth taking to heart as it changes with the wind.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #44 on: August 05, 2015, 03:12:33 PM »

Tincup, I think another and more relevant question to ask yourself is whether or not she displayed these patterns when you first met her.  Chances are the answer to that question is YES, even if you were not aware of them.  The inference is that she did not develop BPD from dating you!  Therefore, she was BPD before you met her and BPD afterwards too. 

Part of my inventory process has been to go back in my memories and think of any  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) that I saw.  There were a few and I easily dismissed them.  But in the context of my new knowledge, I can see what they were saying now.

Hang in there.
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Remiman
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« Reply #45 on: August 05, 2015, 03:33:54 PM »

Ive done a lot in my life. Ive been all over the world, ive flown a plane, scuba dived, had decent paying jobs. Im apparently not bad looking yet I still seek othrrs approval and take to heart anything negative.

Recently I realised I no longer care what my exs think of me. I realise that I have done and achieved more on my own than they ever have or will. Im kind hearted and well liked by my friends and family. I am now a happy single dad who isnt interested in putting myself out there as i no longer believe i need someone to complete me as im already complete.

Have a look at who you are. Im sure theres a lot more to you than the negativity your ex threw at you. Lets face it is anything a pwBPD says worth taking to heart as it changes with the wind.

I know that's what I need to aim for - then I'm sure everything would fall into place by itself (I.e. New relationship). Hard to keep that in mind though
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #46 on: August 05, 2015, 05:14:47 PM »

Tincup, I think another and more relevant question to ask yourself is whether or not she displayed these patterns when you first met her.  Chances are the answer to that question is YES, even if you were not aware of them.  The inference is that she did not develop BPD from dating you!  Therefore, she was BPD before you met her and BPD afterwards too. 

Part of my inventory process has been to go back in my memories and think of any  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) that I saw.  There were a few and I easily dismissed them.  But in the context of my new knowledge, I can see what they were saying now.

Hang in there.

The drunkeness and verbal abuse wasn't there in beginning but there were signs of hyper sexuality,prosmiscuity... Many partners before me most short term,casual and one night...

Untidy home, her kid hated me on sight... .love bombing... I had no idea then about pd but the prosmiscuity shoulda been enough to send me running... truth is she made me believe I was the one with all the bombing
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #47 on: August 05, 2015, 05:23:40 PM »

"Please remind me patterns repeat"

I recall posting something very similar 4 years back.

In hindsight now that statement translates to "was it my fault?"

So the questions I pose:

In what way do you think the failing of this relationship was solely you're fault?

SHE GOT BORED BOTH IN AND OUT OF BEDROOM,SHOULDA BEEN MORE ENTERTAINING,NOT STOP DRINKING,LESS CLEAN & TIDY,SPENT $$ ON HER & NOT MY HOBBY,TOLERATED HER KIDS HATRED FOR ME,

What could you have done differently?

NOT GONE OUT WITH HER IN FIRST PLACE

What do you miss about this relationship? What don't you miss?

MISS THE GIRL SHE PRETENED TO BE,DONT MISS THE ABUSE

What are 3 things that occurred in this relationship that really rocked you?

CHEATING,LYING,SEXTING,VERBAL ABUSE,DRUNKENESS

Can you be held responsible for someone else's actions?

NO BUT ARE WE RESPONSIBLE FOR DRIVING SOMEONE TO THOSE ACTIONS ?

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Clearmind
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« Reply #48 on: August 06, 2015, 01:32:15 AM »

Lost.

Thank you!

Borderlines fear intimacy. Sex is an act and does not involve any intimacy. Often in the beginning we mistaken the intensity of sex as being intimacy - being in tune and in sync with the other person. This is not your fault.

Missing someone for who you thought they were often stems from us (me) listening to the words and not the actions. A massive lesson for me has to be look at what someone does not what they say. We can buildup lots of fantasy thoughts rather than see the reality of a situation.

We're not responsible for others peoples actions. We can take responsibility for our own.  So part of the solution to our healing is digging deep and asking ourselves

1) why did we stay despite all the red flags?

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Lostone1314
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« Reply #49 on: August 06, 2015, 02:11:45 AM »

Most welcome Clearmind


1) why did we stay despite all the red flags?

easy i loved the woman i believed she was and could be and i was nearing 50 and she always said at times when i discussed breaking up that i would never find another to love me  ... so i feared living my life alone till death and still do... .its not that i cannot live alone i can but i dont want to and @50 im running out of time i watch as all my friends/family have paired off and im the last with only 2 broken LT r/s ending in infidelity and one s/t ending due to imcompatiability ive lost hope in fulfilling my dream
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enlighten me
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« Reply #50 on: August 06, 2015, 03:27:30 AM »

Lost

I to feared being on my own. This is what led me to ignore the red flags with my ex wife and then my exgf. After being with my exgf i have come to terms with the fact i dont need anyone else to make me happy. That comes from within. I like going to bed and getting up when i want to. I like watching what i want to watch and listening to my music. I like eating when and whati want. All the stress of not having to please anyone but myself has gone. Yes it may sound selfish but trying to please others has taken its toll on me so now im having some me time.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #51 on: August 06, 2015, 05:05:57 AM »

Most welcome Clearmind


1) why did we stay despite all the red flags?

easy i loved the woman i believed she was and could be and i was nearing 50 and she always said at times when i discussed breaking up that i would never find another to love me  ... so i feared living my life alone till death and still do... .its not that i cannot live alone i can but i dont want to and @50 im running out of time i watch as all my friends/family have paired off and im the last with only 2 broken LT r/s ending in infidelity and one s/t ending due to imcompatiability ive lost hope in fulfilling my dream

Lost! I hear you. When I look back much of my fear was related to be alone. I feared I had little without my ex. The drama filled a void that I had for a long time. Oddly enough he couldn't make me happy. It took this jolt of electricity, that is BPD to awaken me to the fact that if happiness came from within then it would attract like minded people and I'm now repelled by dysfunction.

Dysfunction lulls us into a false sense of security. It's drama filled and addictive. It's also short lived because any relationship that is built on shakey foundations is destined to head south.

You my friend dodged a bullet. 50 is young and you have much to look forward to. Heal from this relationship and the things that brought to where you are, heal from those things that helped you to attach to a Borserline. Only then will you truly find a compatible mate who treats you with the respect you deserve.
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« Reply #52 on: August 06, 2015, 07:13:00 AM »

this i what i need to believe but most likely wont till my replacement fails... he is the perfect fit...

^^'perfect fit' ... .for a dysfunctional person?  is this something you strive for?  to complement her and her disorder?  to enable her?  to tolerate her?

... .or is it something you want b/c you want to rescue her disorder?

right after the breakup, we get the idea cemented in our heads that we failed... .I did too... .

but what are we failing at?  as I asked before, is it that we failed at tolerating their recklessness and manipulation, or is it that we failed at rescuing them from it?  either way, how is this a healthy goal for you?



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« Reply #53 on: August 06, 2015, 07:13:28 AM »

this i what i need to believe but most likely wont till my replacement fails... he is the perfect fit...

^^'perfect fit' ... .for a dysfunctional person?  is this something you strive for?  to complement her and her disorder?  to enable her?  to tolerate her?

... .or is it something you want b/c you want to rescue her from her disorder?

right after the breakup, we get the idea cemented in our heads that we failed... .I did too... .

but what are we failing at?  as I asked before, is it that we failed at tolerating their recklessness and manipulation, or is it that we failed at rescuing them from it?  either way, how is this a healthy goal for you?


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« Reply #54 on: August 06, 2015, 07:14:28 AM »

this i what i need to believe but most likely wont till my replacement fails... he is the perfect fit...

^^'perfect fit' ... .for a dysfunctional person?  is this something you strive for?  to complement her and her disorder?  to enable her?  to tolerate her?

... .or is it something you want b/c you want to rescue her from her disorder?

right after the breakup, we get the idea cemented in our heads that we failed... .I did too... .

but what are we failing at?  as I asked before, is it that we failed at tolerating their recklessness and manipulation, or is it that we failed at rescuing them from it?  either way, how is this a healthy goal for you?



^^sorry double post
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« Reply #55 on: August 06, 2015, 07:20:40 AM »

Staff only


This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .
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