Can't get rid of the hate for him

[Popcorn71]

It has been 10 months since my exBPDh left me for another woman and 6 months of no contact except a few texts regarding the divorce etc.  I think I should be getting over it by now.

My life is going from strength to strength.  I am happy most of the time.  I am successful in my job and I am achieving far more than I ever would have done if we were still together.

However, I often see him around and I know a lot of people I know are in contact with him and some have even started socialising with him and the replacement.  This really makes me mad.  Can't they see what he really is?

Every time I think of him I feel such hatred.  I don't want to.  I wish I could just never think of him again but still he keeps popping up in my mind.  I keep thinking that I wish he was dead so that there would be no chance of ever bumping into him again.

Has anyone else gone through this?  How can I stop the thoughts of him and stop the hate eating away at me.  I don't want to feel like this.

[Mutt]

I can't say that I hate my ex but I think I feel resentment towards her. I've been separated for 15 months and went through the anger phase a couple of times in the 5 stages of grieving. You may cycle through any of the stages more than once. I think that the resentment cones from her audacious nature. I feel invalidated that I was replaced and our time together was disassociated in her mind, our past rewritten and I remember it differently. Realistically it's the disorder but we're human with feelings and those feelings get hurt. It's also an invisible disorder and once that you are split black you are treated very differently and you can see the inappropriate behaviors once that you are out of the FOG.

The replacement doesn't see it and her new friends, she met through him. She cannot sustain a healthy inter-personal relationship and she is re-living her core abandonment wounds through another man. The cycle repeats and he will go through the same experiences that I did, but that's where my resentment comes from in the context that I feel invalidated and her friends and family have blinders on. They don't see what I had to go through for seven years because they aren't intimate with her. I'm sorry that you feel anger towards him Popcorn71. Do you think it could be associated with anger from grieving or its unhealthy anger?

[Changingman]

Hi Popcorn,

I remember you from last year, I have started posting again, probably Journaling my healing. Like you the relief from it all is amazing. I still have some anger issues but much less. I'm lucky that I have been able to detach completely from her new 'friends', lost one casual friend but the word friend these days is much overused.

Her 'Best Friend' (exBoyfriend obviously) an NPD/BPD I realise now, is still occasionally trying to charm me, they have NO friends. Social cover is what they want. I met her through him, everyone I met through him was poisonous. I just cut off from anyone who knew her, not really much of a loss I found.

I'd hate to see her around, but I'd guess she would be scared and would get triggered. My only connection to the casual friend is a best friend for 24 years, he's in another country and missed the whole thing. Wouldn't think of losing him, he has said on the 3 days he met her... .'I thought she was just a drunk'.

I think you should feel anger towards him, wouldn't this be a natural reaction. Keep it safe, you are still healing, forgive yourself for falling for such a ******. Go with feeling, not thinking. I think we have to feel our emotions to let them go.

They'll find out in time, but who cares, he's out of your life. Good for you.

'Mindfulness' is good.

Changingman

Isn't there a lot of time without them? I mean that in the best way.

[Blimblam]

  How can I stop the thoughts of him and stop the hate eating away at me.  I don't want to feel like this.

what do you let him make you feel about yourself that causes you to hate him? How do you identify with this feeling? 

[Popcorn71]

I'm definately angry. 

What bothers me most is that he replaced me with such a low grade woman.  I don't mean to sound conceited but on a scale of 1 - 10 I would say I am around 7 - 8.  She is definately no more than a 2.  This is not based on looks but on everything from personality, intelligence, looks and the ability to contribute to a partnership.

I know he didn't even choose her specifically.  She just happened to be 'in the right place at the right time'.  When I found out about her, he whined at me like a child 'I didn't want to be alone'.  I believe that he is with her now out of desperation because he knows I would never take him back.

I am angry that he made so many promises to me and didn't keep any of them.  I feel so let down.  I feel used and conned because he knew of my past experience and he knew how difficult it was for me to trust him totally and as soon as I did, he began the abuse.

I hate him because he took advantage of me and used me in order to have a comfortable life.  Now it seems that he has just got away with it all.

I can honestly say I was a good wife to him and was totally committed to our marriage.  Being unfaithful or leaving him would never have been an option for me.  I am angry that I put in all the effort and he S**t on me without a care in the world.

[AimingforMastery]

I hate him because he took advantage of me and used me in order to have a comfortable life.  Now it seems that he has just got away with it all.

I can honestly say I was a good wife to him and was totally committed to our marriage.  Being unfaithful or leaving him would never have been an option for me.  I am angry that I put in all the effort and he S**t on me without a care in the world.

That is what they do. It's not personal. It has nothing to do with you... .

They have no sense of self, are constantly desperate and will do anything to avoid those feelings; to fill the void... .

Until they get better, if something even half shiny comes along they will grab it. They have to - no choice - pure compulsion / desperation.

As they get better they start to stop the acting out; they feel the feelings but don't act on them.

But even then, under pressure many people revert to type... .

So 3 things:-

1.   It had nothing to do with you, it was not your fault. Period.

2.   they always keep doing this until they get better

3.   even if they get better, for how long? Do you want to live with that risk & threat?

Angry? Can you be relieved that you are free of all that? 

Personally, I'm out of my situation now and because I understand it I feel relief - Phew!

Can you be pleased about moving on... .?

[enlighten me]

Hi popcorn

I would like to add my back up to AFMs post.

It was nothing personal. The sooner you come to terms with this the better.

Anger is good up to a point. It stops us from getting back into the relationship.

My ex wife cheated on me with a guy with learning difficulties and a cleft pallet. It wasn't about the looks or his personality it was about her emotional addiction and the fact that he could feed it.

After anger you will pity them. Once you see that they are just a child in adult form and cant control themselves any better than a toddler in a sweet shop you will start to realise that nothing you could do would have changed them. You will not forgive them but you will start to forgive yourself.

Eventually you will become indifferent. Nothing they can say or do will bother you. That is because you know who they are really. And who they are isn't worth worrying about.

[AimingforMastery]

Eventually you will become indifferent. Nothing they can say or do will bother you. That is because you know who they are really. And who they are isn't worth worrying about.

That is exactly it... .

You realize when they want you its quite largely BS, and when they want someone else that's similarly BS too.

[Inside]

Hey Popcorn71, I appreciate your candor and am sure we’ve all experienced some hatred…  Though fighting a cold, I skipped an event with many friends last evening due to the likelihood my exuBPDgf of 3.5 years would be there …and seven recycles are too many to chance another.  I can’t drink beer and be around her…

They live an elution and attempt to con the world.  And though I was of course painted several layers of black, many in our network have known me far longer than her, and of those I informed of her BPD… let’s just say she’s being looked at with a far more critical eye.  This crap catches up with them.  And though it may not be as obvious or immediate as we’d like, S-it happens

Just think, yours lost an 8 for a 2 – a gut-punch!  And as mentioned, he will always be himself – limited by BPD, and with little doubt doomed to a deteriorating life.  I know feeling sorry for them may partially be what drew us in … but look forward to your anger some day morphing into pity.  But for now, he’s doomed - and you’re free!

We’ve likely a few scars, too…  but that’s all the better to remind us not to latch on to anyone remotely resembling them.  …wish this site had a Convention … that could be a blast!  No BP’s allowed!  Just us – their angry confused recovering abused former mates – and (good) beer

[Inside]

You will not forgive them but you will start to forgive yourself.

Eventually you will become indifferent.

Enlighten me, I’d posted before reading yours above, and appreciate your wisdom.  Let’s forgive ourselves for having become their victim and look forward to the day we no longer care.  …and the Convention

[enlighten me]

Hi Inside

Not often Ive been referred to as having wisdom 

I do have experience though.

As Ive said before in this and other posts this is my second relationship with a BPD. Still early days in the split with the exgf but my past experience is making it so much easier.

There is hope for everyone here.

Im no therapist so don't know the exact terms but there are a number of hurdles you must get over before you've recovered. In no particular order as you can jump between them several times there is despair, guilt, anger and pity. Ive probably missed out something from the text book but these are the ones that I feel I went through.

Without going through them all you have unresolved business. Once you purged each one then you can happily reach indifference.

As I said you jump between them but each time you do the intensity of that emotion gets less.

No doubt you started with despair then went to anger but fell back into despair before getting angry again. To me this is perfectly normal. But each time you jumped back to a previous emotion it was less intense and didn't last as long. Next you will start to feel guilty. Guilty that you were taken in, guilty of how you treated others this will then lead you back into anger. You may even dip back into despair. After guilt comes pity you feel sorry for them as they cant help it and you realise theyre life is pretty awful. Back to guilt for not helping them etc etc. eventually all the trips between the emotions calm down and indifference settles in.

The only thing about this pattern is that you can easily be kicked back into one of the emotions. You find out they cheated on you and into anger you go. Theyre a mess and lost their job and pity or maybe guilt re-appear. Once you've purged them all it is not that easy for you to be knocked back down.

This is how it went for me. Probably not been put across in the most eloquent way but hopefully it makes sense.

[Inside]

Hey, Enlighten me, maybe wisdom’s the culmination of having experienced all those emotions... ?  You described them fine, and it makes sense to slowly wear each one out until finally reaching indifference.  For the most part, I think I’m there.  But I’ve taken a beating in the process.  Unlike some (the strong & smart) I allowed myself to be pulled back at least 7 times…  But each time, our expectations were less.  And it was always ‘over’ a bit sooner.

Though I lived with my eyes open when apart from her, I still felt enough of a pull to have remained ‘loyal’ during the shove-offs…  I know her thoughts were not as pure, but if I’d found she’d jumped in the sack with someone else - that would have been the end …So I had multiple opportunities to run these emotions through in kind of a progressive fashion. 

Each ending hurt less.  And on the last break - it was actually a relief.  I’ve avoided her in all ways lately … and if/when if spot her with ‘my replacement,’ that may rekindle some pain.  But after all I’ve learned around here it seems I’ll have immunity!  I have to admit though …the feelings ebb and flow regarding her… but as long as I stay clear, and she’s not inserting herself into my life, I’m just focusing on moving on.  And that’s work enough

[Popcorn71]

Thanks for all your replies.  I have been thinking about this for a couple of days and my main gripe is the injustice of the way I have been treated.  If I really thought that I had done anything to deserve it, maybe it would be easier to accept.  But I know I did not deserve such cruel and heartless treatment.

However, today I spoke to two people who were long standing friends of my exBPDh but are no longer willing to have much to do with him.  It was purely coincidental that I saw them both within 10 minutes of each other and both said exactly the same things.  Both told me that I am looking really well and much better now.  Both said that they had been very surprised at what has happened and they can't believe how he has behaved.  Both said that they avoid him as much as possible and want nothing at all to do with his new partner. 

They also told me other things about his life now, which appears to be going exactly the way I warned him.  It turns out that he is being used for his money and slowly but surely his life is getting worse and worse.  I won't go into detail but everything is happening as I suspected it would and he is involved in things that previously he would not have gotten involved in.

I admit that when they told me, I laughed.  I feel better knowing that he isn't living 'happily ever after' with the replacement.  I feel better knowing that in a way, justice has been done!  But I also feel sad that he has caused all this trouble for no reason whatsoever.  We had a great life together and he destroyed it all for nothing.

But it looks like he has lost far more than I have - and that does go some way to making me hate him a little bit less.  He has got what he deserves.