Like clockwork... she's back

[Lion Fire]

I've detected a pattern.

I had very LC with my ex re a shared cell phone contract for a while ( ie. my responses were short, sometimes a few words) . After this was transferred and settled there was absolutely no reason for us to have any more contact and I gave her everything but the green light to reach out. In the last two weeks she has reached out 3 times, exactly a week apart. The first time was to ask me if we could meet in my hometown because she would be there on a certain date. The second was the same but intimated that we should talk through things to get some closure. I ignored them both.

She has been blocked on my iphone, whatsapp, fb, viber, skype. The last frontier was my email and I was certain that I had blocked her. I followed all the instructions and was sure she would be filtered out. Not so, I received a mail from her today that somehow got through.

" hi ... ., i hope you are well?

I note that you have ignored my request to meet up next week when i'm in ... ., but i was wondering if we will reach a place where we can be back in contact again "

I have had a great few days and have been feeling solid and positive. I started a new job abroad on a short contract and been feeling better than I have in months. When this hit my inbox, my mood immediately dipped. It was like a toxic cloud had rolled in and engulfed me. I was with a mate who kinda knows the story and he noticed my shift. He asked me why this mail had affected me so negatively. He told me to just blank her, delete the messages and move on. That simple. He made an excellent point and I said I wish it was that easy.

I am gutted with myself that I still allow her to bring such negativity into my life and that I am still triggered by her. I think of her less but she is like a dark shadow lurking over my shoulder and reminding me of the pain and humiliation. Somehow, despite time, distance and NC she is still in me. On paper, er email was not unkind or provocative. In fact, it appears to be a genuine white flag of peace. However, I now know that there are layers to this simple mail and to enter into dialog will put me at serious risk.

This mail derailed my day. Sometimes I wish the whole process would speed up and this nasty episode would shrink into a distant memory. I wish my feelings for her would also just vapourise. It still hurts me a lot despite all the inner work, grieving and processing I've done over the last couple of months.

I'm not sure whether to ignore her again or respond and tell her to leave me alone?

Damn! So frustrated tonight!

[Eric1]

Block the email that got sent through, or mark it as spam, and move on.

Unless you want to re-engage?

I personally am at the stage of wanting her to reach out. She's not, which is of benefit to me.

[patientandclear]

I find this dynamic to be pretty rough. I don't believe in blocking techniques -- just for myself, I don't want to have to speculate about what he might have done or said, I want to know, make a plan how to deal with it and do so. Despite that philosophy, when my ex recently asked to get together, I did find it sending me into a spiral of confusion about what I wanted and why. It was easier when he was furious at me and he'd decided not to communicate. That was on him and i had no regrets about what led up to that.

When they appear open to something warm and affirming, it feels very hard to kill it ourselves repeatedly by having to say no. We repeat the death we are grieving over and over, as I believe Sea of Wounds said on another thread.

[Lion Fire]

Patientandclear, yes, this whole blocking and NC thing goes completely against my nature in many ways. It is confusing when she reaches out my impulse is to respond. I want peace.

However, I've learnt several hard lessons with this r/s:

My exBPDgf is not a safe person for me to be in contact with.

Things can change for the worse in an instant

Don't try to fix and renew something that is broken way beyond repair

I've learnt to look after myself and say no to abuse or even the possible chance of abuse.

I can make decisions that are right for me.

At this point, just for today, I am not in a safe enough space to have any contact with her.

I am still vulnerable and bruised from the trauma of this failed relationship.

Blessin's

[patientandclear]

At this point, just for today, I am not in a safe enough space to have any contact with her.

I am still vulnerable and bruised from the trauma of this failed relationship.

Blessin's

I'll say that -- except on those days when I'm convinced I screwed everything up by maintaining boundaries and objecting to him taking our r/s for granted -- I'm convinced that the passage of time does not remotely make it safer.

There are several members here who've been devastated by reconnected with their BPDex more than 20 years after the original smash-up.  Devastated.

In my case, I only reconnected after 10 months of strict NC.  I thought I was clear on what I was doing.  I thought I had no expectations beyond a friendship -- what could go wrong?  But he is expert at playing on my desire to be special and my love for him.  He rapidly pulled me in, to a point where it was impossible not to think this was indeed super special and valuable and precious and ... .

... .and then I got clobbered by his need to assert control and make sure he rejected me first.

I absolutely thought I was prepared to avoid this.  I spent all that time in NC and didn't reconnect till I thought I was perfectly clear ("patientandclear" -- that's where that name comes from).

I was wrong.  Communication with him was all about him confirming that he was very important to me, and then establishing that he would never be vulnerable to me again.  The way he went about that was extremely confusing and led me to have unfounded hopes about what might come next.

If I could do it over again, having played that out, I wouldn't reconnect.  For what it's worth.

[Lion Fire]

Thank you patientandclear. Your experience has only made me more resolute in my decision to detach completely.

The thought of having contact with her is more frightening than totally cutting away.

[Lion Fire]

I got another email from her today and I am pleased to say I feel detached and dispassionate,

I woke up feeling solid and composed with my NC policy and reading posts in this forum confirmed what I will be letting myself in for if I succumb to her requests to link up.

She is getting desperate now, trying to get me to go a to a music festival with her next month.

She bought me tickets as a gift before our break up and them made me to pay for the tickets once we split when she was on her blackmailing mission and withholding my possessions.

Her tone is becoming more desperate and pleading now. This is unrecognizable from the disordered and vengeful woman who was threatening to ruin me 3 months ago.

She's gone from Super B••ch to scared little girl.

I actually feel pity for her now. Also, knowing her past form, I know that tomorrow could bring forth a completely different side of her. She shifts all over the place.

I take very little pleasure in her obvious pain but today more than ever I was unmoved and that feels empowering.

I was told to pray for her and I'll try that tonight.

No Contact policy still stands, same rules apply.

[Iwillthrive]

Ignore! No Contact is the only way that I can be emotionally detached.

New here but not to BPD or support groups. They are our addiction. Abstinence is key.

[AimingforMastery]

Ignore! No Contact is the only way that I can be emotionally detached.

New here but not to BPD or support groups. They are our addiction. Abstinence is key.

Great post.

NC or get messed up again... .

And if you were the one who got out last time, don't risk losing that sanity... .

One exception? - if they have done 12 months of hard core therapy?  Then maybe... .But even then its likely the first of 5 years hard work for them