Leaving BPD daughter for 10 days alone

[ibwalrus]

I was planning on going on a trip for 10 days. And leaving my adult BPD daughter alone. But, I can't imagine how she will manage.  She doesn't drive and relays on me to get to and from her job 7 miles away. And, I'm afraid she will loose her job, if she is late.

I  always wake her and make sure she is on time. I am very frustrated, because I tried to go out last night and got texts and calls (angry) asking, who was giving her a ride? ( Even though I told her to ask a workmate for one. )

She's so mean to everyone she has worn out her welcome with relatives helping out.

She gets frantic we are supposed to get her immediately, but gets tired of waiting and wanders off by the time we arrive.

she wants to be independent , but it is beyond her! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ibwalrus]

I'm also afraid of what she will destroy in our home while we are gone. Today i found  sons yearbook pages burnt in her bedroom.

She wants to go on the trip with us, but I said no, it's for our younger child .  I fear I will end up choosing to stay  home to babysit our adult child. 

[theplotthickens]

She sounds immature for her age, just like my 17 yo.  Is it safe to leave her home?  Do you have any relatives, neighbors, or friends who can check in and make sure she takes her meds?  If nothing else, perhaps you could have phone check-ins.  My dd does surprise me with her responsibility with her job, because she does not want to lose it.  How motivated is your dd to keep her job?   

We got my dd a nice bike to get to and from work - is bike transportation a possibility? 7 miles is too far to walk, but would be a nice bike ride.

[madmom]

I am sorry that you have so much on your plate with your child.  Sometimes it is so hard to have fun when you have so much to worry about, but I do hope you can go and enjoy yourself.  Would it be possible to arrange transportation with a cab company to take her back and forth to work?   You could prepay for the rides and she would be responsible for getting up and ready in time?   I think if you could have someone check on her, that would be great also so you have peace of mind.  The only other idea I had was to hire someone, such as a college student, retired person, a teacher who is off for the summer and wants a little extra money to stay and take her back and forth to work, and that person could be sure things around the house don't get torn up etc.  Of course, it has to be someone who can work with and understand your child, but maybe there is someone out there who could do the job and let you get away and get a break.  Good luck, I am thinking about you and hoping for the best!

[jellibeans]

Dear ibwalrus

I find it surprising that when my dd has to be up and out the door for something important she manages to do it. I spend a lot of time waking her for school but when I am tired I tell her she is to get up the next morning on her own and some how she does it. If your dd job is important to her she will.

As for your vacation... .I do think you should try and find someone to check in with her and I love the idea of a bike. I really feel it is important to try to encourage independents and I feel that will give her confidence that she is lacking right now.

[MammaMia]

ibwalrus

Oh boy... .this is a hard one.  How old is your dd?  Are you married?  If so, do you and your spouse both plan to go on this trip?  

She has no friends or family to stay with her because she is so rude, right?  And she has no one who will allow her to stay with them?  She is unreliable where work is concerned.  Could you hire an in-home health aide to supervise her?  This may be an option.

In view of the fact she is going to blame you for anything that happens during your absence and she may be retaliatory, if it was me, I would be reluctant to leave her alone. If she is untrustworthy and you fear for her safety, I believe the only viable option is to take her with you.  Cancelling your trip would be punishing your younger child for his sister's illness.  

This is probably not the answer you were looking for, and the final decision is yours.  Good luck.

[HealingSpirit]

Dear ibwalrus,

Oh dear!  I have been in your shoes, except my DD was 16 when we went to Europe for 2 weeks last spring without her.  (She didn't want to go.)  Our DD wasn't driving yet either, but she had to arrange transportation to/from school.  I did arrange to have a responsible adult come stay with her.  Then at the last minute, our DD asked if the sick mother (whom my DD likes) and her son (of one of DD's male friends) could stay with her.  The mom had just had surgery & couldn't the manage stairs to their apartment.  DH & I said no, because we felt it was too much responsibility for someone who just had surgery and was still on heavy duty pain meds.  But since DD wanted them to stay, that's what happened, despite our wanting it to be different. -sigh-   We realized once we were gone, there was nothing we could do to prevent them coming to stay, so we didn't fight it.

HOWEVER, as a precaution, we still asked my responsible adult friend to come over every day to feed pets, collect mail, and water plants, etc.  She was the one with whom we left the emergency information and some cash.  We KNEW our DD wouldn't take care of things and we KNEW the sick friend wouldn't either.  It was terribly awkward for the responsible one, but I offered to pay her well, and she needed the money.  Our trip was not without drama from DD, but when we got home, even though it was a disaster area, the house was still standing, nothing was broken, and the animals and plants were still alive.  So we counted our blessings.

You know your DD the best.  Do the best you can to plan for success, but prepare for the worst.  It sounds like your DD won't tolerate being home alone very well, so could she have a friend stay with her?  (Perhaps your DD can think of someone whom she hasn't already alienated.)  I would make sure she knows you are concerned about her being too lonely while you're gone.  I wouldn't send the message that she is too irresponsible to manage the household while you're gone.

Also, I agree with the others to arrange for her transportation ahead of time or make sure she has a bicycle or scooter to ride to work.  It seems to me, that's all you can control.  Getting herself up and to/from work has to be her own choice.  If she loses her job for not showing up, it seems to me, that is out of your control. (Though, you can set some boundaries about conditions she must meet for living at home with you.  Having a job and going to work can be one of them.)

I hope you have a drama-free trip, but try to plan ahead for whatever issues you think may occur.  Let us know how it goes and have a wonderful time!

[ibwalrus]

We got my dd a nice bike to get to and from work - is bike transportation a possibility? 7 miles is too far to walk, but would be a nice bike ride.

Thanks, this is a good option. I'm glad you wrote.

[ibwalrus]

I am sorry that you have so much on your plate with your child.  Sometimes it is so hard to have fun when you have so much to worry about,

   I think if you could have someone check on her, that would be great also so you have peace of mind.  The only other idea I had was to hire someone, such as a college student, retired person, a teacher who is off for the summer and wants a little extra money to stay and take her back and forth to work, and that person could be sure things around the house don't get torn up etc. 

thanks, I'm so encouraged just to share.

[ibwalrus]

Dear ibwalrus

I really feel it is important to try to encourage independents and I feel that will give her confidence that she is lacking right now.

Thank you! I think she's been pushing my co dependence buttons. And, I am going to let consequences happen. I work so hard to avoid conflict.

[ibwalrus]

ibwalrus

Oh boy... .this is a hard one.  How old is your dd?  Are you married?  If so, do you and your spouse both plan to go on this trip?  

She has no friends or family to stay with her because she is so rude, right?  And she has no one who will allow her to stay with them?  She is unreliable where work is concerned.  Could you hire an in-home health aide to supervise her?  This may be an option.

In view of the fact she is going to blame you for anything that happens during your absence and she may be retaliatory, if it was me, I would be reluctant to leave her alone. If she is untrustworthy and you fear for her safety, I believe the only viable option is to take her with you.  Cancelling your trip would be punishing your younger child for his sister's illness.  

This is probably not the answer you were looking for, and the final decision is yours.  Good luck.

She is 22. Yes I'm married to an undiagnosed anger/ bipolar husband. They take turns coming to me to complain about how the other. We both planned on going for,the sake of our younger child. Husband has been very angry at the whole family lately. Especially at  BPD daughter and I.

Yes, she is rude, and alienating. Blames everyone for everything. And is a proficient insult- slinger.

Thanks for your response . It is good to share during this CRAZY time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ibwalrus]

Dear ibwalrus,

Oh dear!  I have been in your shoes, except my DD was 16 when we went to Europe for 2 weeks last spring without her.  (She didn't want to go.)  Our DD wasn't driving yet either, but she had to arrange transportation to/from school.  I did arrange to have a responsible adult come stay with her. 

I hope you have a drama-free trip, but try to plan ahead for whatever issues you think may occur.  Let us know how it goes and have a wonderful time!

thanks! Wow it's nice to know others have gone through same things! I would like to see her pass her drivers test a scooter would be cool.(in our state you need a a license to drive on)... Her drivers  Tests have not gone well in the past. Of corse , that's all my fault !

[chooselove]

I wish you well.  I didn't have the courage to go anywhere when my BPD daughter was living with us.  I'm too protective of my home and of what could happen in my absence.  It's a sad fact of life.  I also think that she may find a creative way to punish you for not taking her with you.  Ten days is a long time.  I could barely be gone for one.

[ibwalrus]

I wish you well.  I didn't have the courage to go anywhere when my BPD daughter was living with us.  I'm too protective of my home and of what could happen in my absence.  It's a sad fact of life.  I also think that she may find a creative way to punish you for not taking her with you.  Ten days is a long time.  I could barely be gone for one.

thanks , I guess I'm in good company here.  Tonight she lost her job. I'm sad for her. Since she really loved it.

[madmom]

I am so sorry about the job loss.  May daughter has lost a number of jobs and it is so disappointing to all of us.  So now what?  Does daughter go with you on trip for ten days?  I wish you well!   Keep your chin up!

[MammaMia]

ibwalrus

Oh dear.  How is your dd dealing with the job loss?  This really complicates matters and I am sorry.

I dreaded leaving my BPDs when I had to go away.  Even tho his sister was here with him (she is a non), he would totally decompensate and get into trouble with the law. It is hell to live in fear, especially during an unavoidable absence like a death in the family (my mother) where the option to not go is just not there. Because he was on probation, he could not leave the state, so there was no possibility of accompanying me.  More stress added to an already stressful situation.

Then again, my BPDs is not your BPDd.  I really hope everything works out for you. 

[ibwalrus]

ibwalrus

Oh dear.  How is your dd dealing with the job loss?  This really complicates matters and I am sorry.

I dreaded leaving my BPDs when I had to go away.  Even tho his sister was here with him (she is a non), he would totally decompensate and get into trouble with the law. It is hell to live in fear, especially during an unavoidable absence like a death in the family (my mother) where the option to not go is just not there. Because he was on probation, he could not leave the state, so there was no possibility of accompanying me.  More stress added to an already stressful situation.

Then again, my BPDs is not your BPDd.  I really hope everything works out for you. 

thanks, this weekend I will give it a trial run.  Going an hour away.two days ago,  She lost her cell phone. Maybe that is a blessing, since she can't call or  text now-- how everything bad in her life is my fault . I am hoping for the best... I'll update.

[Being Mindful]

ibwalrus

Oh dear.  How is your dd dealing with the job loss?  This really complicates matters and I am sorry.

I dreaded leaving my BPDs when I had to go away.  Even tho his sister was here with him (she is a non), he would totally decompensate and get into trouble with the law. It is hell to live in fear, especially during an unavoidable absence like a death in the family (my mother) where the option to not go is just not there. Because he was on probation, he could not leave the state, so there was no possibility of accompanying me.  More stress added to an already stressful situation.

Then again, my BPDs is not your BPDd.  I really hope everything works out for you. 

thanks, this weekend I will give it a trial run.  Going an hour away.two days ago,  She lost her cell phone. Maybe that is a blessing, since she can't call or  text now-- how everything bad in her life is my fault . I am hoping for the best... I'll update.

Hello ibwalrus, I'm thinking that boundaries would be a good thing for you, that is your value based boundaries. Sometimes it is a hard concept to understand how they work but between your husband and daughter I think this could be very beneficial. Take a look at the tools section about boundaries and see if they might help. It sounds like you are undergoing a lot of being held hostage by her. That's a draining place to be.

Being Mindful

[muffetbuffet]

My husband and I found ourselves in the same position of needing to be out of town for a funeral. Of course dd did not want to attend and we were ok with that but did not want to leave her home alone for 3 days.  At the time dd was babysitting neighbor's children one evening per week.  Worked it out that dd had a "slumber party" with the kids she babysat.  Win win for everyone.  Dd was not home alone and unsupervised and the kids got to have her stay overnight... .with adult supervision.  Hope you are able to find an agreeable solution.  Have been in the situation way too many times that we chose to stay home rather than leave dd unsupervised.